I was embarrassed enough as it was without having to talk about my feelings, but I made a deal, so I figured I might as well go through with it, hesitant as I was. “Yeah… So… I guess it’s a bit complicated, and you know I’m not usually that good with words when I’m not trying to win an argument… And especially stuff like this, so if I can’t look you in the eyes the whole time… Or if I—”
“Sometimes it doesn’t matter how you say it, as much as it is that you say. Just take your time.”
‘Not good with serious stuff? Yeah right, she might as well be the reincarnation of some Greek philosopher… This dumb, it shouldn’t be hard to say anyway…’ “I just started thinking about everything that’s been happening to me recently, and how wrong I was about Keigan, the poison, the ice, and the wolves… It was a lot, so much that I even ran away at one point, but somehow even through that, you ended up by my side. You’ve been so… like you really… What I’m…’ My eyes darted to the side. I didn’t even know what I was trying to say, so how could I expect her to understand?
“Yeah, I get it. So then you started thinking back to even before all this started right? You Started asking yourself questions like “What if it’s all just a trick to get me to try harder in training,” or “What if she’s always been this way,” Sound about right?
I nodded. Those were all questions I had asked myself in the past, but I never thought I’d get any real answers out of her.
“I don’t want you to get the wrong idea… I didn’t always love you the way I should have, and like I told you before I don’t know when that started to change… And if anything it was your fault I finally did… So don’t go feeling sorry for how you acted back then. It’s not like you were ever a bad kid anyway.”
‘Even when she doesn’t hear my apology she tells me not to say that I’m sorry… So what am I supposed to do?’ “Well, then I guess you aren’t allowed to feel sorry for how you acted either, at least outside of the whole trying to kill me part, you should feel bad about that.”
She let out a soft snort. “I promise I will never try to hurt you again in any way, no matter what.”
It was just a few simple words said casually, but they gave me chills. ‘Even now… when I turn into a mess you're here again, comforting me…’ “Thanks mom…” Her wide grin returned, and a long silence followed as the distance between us slowly started to grow again. “It’s… Your turn now. What’s up with the seven braids?”
She chuckled nervously, “Well after all that it’s a bit embarrassing to say, so…”
“Are you serious right now Mara…”
“What happened to mom?”
“I’ll call you mom again when you hold up your end of the deal.”
She sighed, looking utterly defeated. “It’s not like I wasn’t going to say it… It’s just a bit… Harder than I thought it would be to say… After so long…”
‘What? What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Together… The seven braids… They symbolize a mother's love… For her daughter…”
‘Something she felt like she couldn’t say…’ She had struggled to say it… No, refused to say it. Just like before. She had never once called herself my mother but it wasn’t until that moment, that I realized I was wrong about why.
It wasn’t because she didn’t want me as her daughter… It was because she didn’t think I acknowledged her as my mother. It was because she didn’t think she deserved that title, the one my father had told her she had no right to have all those years ago…
Before I knew it tears started to roll down my face again. “I-I Don’t know what’s happening… I’m sorry, I just…” I kept trying to wipe my tears, but I couldn’t even feel them coming out, how was I supposed to stop them? I lowered my head and leaned forward until her body was forced to support me. We were right back where we started.
“It’s alright Siya… I mean, even if the house ends up with a bit of flooding damage we’ll live.”
“You’re horrible… I’m crying into your arms and you're teasing me…”
“Well, I’d tell you I love you, and that you are the greatest, and the best eldest daughter I could ask for, but–”
“You’re making it worse! Just shut up will you! You… You don’t have to say anything you know… Just… Being here is enough I think… At least for now…” She let out a sharp small breath and walked forward wrapping her arms around me without a word, refusing to let go even after the tears finally stopped.
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When I finally calmed down the second time my eyes stung so bad that I couldn’t see without squinting. ‘It’s not that this wasn’t nice but… How am I supposed to look her in the eyes after this…’ She grabbed onto my arms, kneeling down so that I didn’t have to look up at her.
“Did it stop yet?” I asked, hesitating to touch the dried skin.
She gently rubbed my cheek. “Yes, it looks like you’re all dried out.”
I cracked a smile “That’s not usually a good thing.”
She stood back up. “When you see Catherine She will be able to give you some medicine for your eyes. If I had to guess, this happened when you came back all frozen that time.”
I gently dabbed them with my fingers, careful not to rub them anymore because of the pain. “You mean when I turned into a popsicle?”
She sighed. “All the moisture in you’re body froze, including the blood coming out from your wound. Your tears probably froze too, rupturing your tear ducts.” Her eyes looked sad again, but only for a moment before she stood up. “Let’s go have a chat with Cathy, She’ll help you out now that she’s back, and you're not busy training. She needs to check your arm again too before you do anything dangerous.”
My fingers felt cold against my cheeks as I traced the trails my tears took down my face. “I guess it’s good to know I’m not just losing it…” I mumbled. Regardless of why I started to cry so much though, I had a feeling it wasn’t something anyone that saw would be forgetting anytime soon.
As we headed outside I used Mara’s size to strategically block the biting wind as it picked up, turning her into a valuable meet shield as I tried not to think about things too hard, if not only to avoid feeling even more embarrassed.
I was always going to end up seeing Catherine before I left… But instead of it being a check up, it started to feel more like I was going to see her just because I cried too much. Knowing her she might even go as far as making me cry to test Mara’s theory… ‘Well, who knows, I’ve been wrong about a lot of things apparently…’
Mara kicked her boots off on the step, and the moment she walked in the rowdy noise from the baracks went dead quiet. By the time I followed in behind her to get a good look, everyone there was standing straight up, giving a solute.
She looked back at me, scratching her head as if she was a little embarrassed for some reason. “Guys, come on… Isn’t that a bit much?”
They relaxed immediately, one of them throwing a mug at her. I raised my arm, afraid it would splash as the ale poured out of it in the air, but somehow she managed to catch it without loosening a drop, before taking a drink and raising it. “Cheers.” After downing the whole mug she wiped her mouth and gave another embarrassed glance. I was starting to feel like I knew even less about her than I thought.
Gaius kicked his feet back up on the table. “So why has the honorable Sword Dancer decided to grace us with her presence tonight?”
She laughed. “That’s a throwback. Better than the Butcher of Black Gate. I’m looking for Cathy, she in her room?”
He gestured with his head toward the back door. “She’s out there. Just won another drinking game, went outside to burn it off.”
I couldn’t help but sigh. “I’m not sure if you guys are a bad influence on her… Or it’s the other way around…”
He raised his mug. “Cheers to that.”
I just rolled my eyes. “That's not a good thing!”
I ran over to the backdoor to try and check on her. She made this crazy bet that if she ever lost a drinking game then whoever beat her could be captain… Let's just say it led to some pretty intense moments. ‘Geez… You’d think a doctor would know better…’
It wasn’t always bad. She could hold her liquor well enough never to lose after all. Still, I wouldn’t have been surprised if she was half dead, or painting the garden with some lively new splashes of color.
I walked outside to find her standing on one hand, completely motionless as steam radiated off her body and into the frigid air.
Her balance was pretty impressive, especially since she could maintain it even while she was drunk. How did I know she was drunk? Well… She had this bad habit of working out half-naked, only wearing the skimpy undershirt and shorts she wore when she greeted me the last time I came to her room.
“Cathy!” I yelled out.
Her neck flinched but maintained perfect balance as she let out a groan. “Ugh… Siya, not so loud!”
I chuckled, throwing her shirt at her as she came back down onto her feet. “Serves you right for not taking better care of yourself!” I screamed louder
She almost fell over from the noise, pulling the shirt over her head. “Whatever, let's just get inside and make you some medicine.”
I had barely seen her eyes glance at me, and somehow it was almost like she already knew why I was there. See, alcohol had this other weird effect on her. It was almost like it sharpened her senses, instead of dulling them. Either that or it just made her talk in a way that made everyone else more aware of how sharp they were.
Of course, it had some more normal effects too. For instance… She may have put her shirt back on, but she pulled it too hard, and the laces were pulled loose, so it was hanging off one shoulder and not even covering the left side of her chest.
“Come here first…” I groaned, straightening it out for her.
When I was done She walked past me, tapping Mara’s shoulder on her way to her room. “I’d offer to celebrate with a few drinks… But I think we should probably wait a few days for that…” Just like before, I felt like I was somehow missing something. Every time they talked it was like they were speaking in code, perfectly understanding each other, but leaving me in the dark. ‘Celebrate what?’ She continued walking, not so much as turning around. “Nice Hair by the way! It suits you!”
Suddenly everyone was staring at me, their attention squarely focused on my new hairstyle. ‘You jerk…’ I felt my face start to turn red as I suddenly wanted to disappear.
Gaius just laughed. Hearing it, I felt a bit of relief, knowing the kinds of things that came out of his mouth, I felt like he would probably just make a joke and everything would go back to normal. “You look cute kid.”
I turned away immediately. ‘OF ALL THE…’
“Our little warrior princess looks all grown up now.” Rummond said softly. I didn’t understand what they meant… But it was too embarrassing either way, so I quickly ran after Catherine, heading up to her room.