The Flow

Demi

I had an A+ idea this time!

One that would definitely kill the Cheater and Fang.

Or, more realistically, it would at least slow them down.

I mean, it hadn’t happened all at once. Sure, I might have gone to a sort of dark place after messaging myself – tried to drink away my problems. Drown myself in the fruity delight of an endless ocean of spirits and nimbus. But then, when everything seemed bleak and there was no hope in sight… inspiration struck!

Horus and Eris were certainly taking their sweet time and there wasn’t much I could do solve that problem. My miracles could create sea serpents and over-sized spiders and some sort of flaming demon creature and alter the fabric of reality across both time and space, but strangely there was nothing that could “friendzone” a moose warrior using the power of [Bullshit] or remove that flaming rod from Eris’—

Sluuuuurp. Ahh, sorry. I was dry again.

A quick wave solved that problem as my mug refilled.

Anyway, like I was saying, the miracles had limitations. Or maybe it was because I hadn’t finished the Tutorial yet? I mean, sure, I tried. But it was taking forever. See?

New Test Results Have Arrived!

Score Received: A-

Tutorial Completion: 1.14%

Estimated Time to Finish: 2.13 trillion eons.

“The time just keeps getting longer! How is that even possible!?” I muttered.

Even more strange, that notification couldn’t be dismissed. It just hovered there. A constant, nagging reminder of my failure – my inadequacy.

Of that fucking minus.

I shook my head. No, no distractions. I told me we needed to focus.

Maybe my miracles couldn’t kill the Cheater or destroy the fledgling relationship between Eris and Horus… but maybe they didn’t need to! Maybe I just needed to stall their prey long enough for them to catch up and then let the heat of their sexual frustration incinerate those two crazy, co-dependent idiots.

So, I’d come up with this! This A+ plan.

One that involved tripling the number of those demon monkeys in the screaming bamboo forest. Also evolving their spirits to add a fire element to their sticky poo attack. Sure, I had to mess with the Flow’s narrative – make just a few small tweaks spanning back a few thousand cycles or so and altering an entire ecosystem.

There had been a lot of math. So very much math.

And that had seemed like a great idea… at first. But then I realized some sticky flaming poo would never be enough to stop Fang and the Cheater. I mean, I’d seen them inside the gate. Fire and shit was sort of their thing.

That was the plan of a minus.

Close, but still nowhere near good enough for some unknown and likely arbitrary reason. Certainly not perfect. Certainly not the plan of someone at the tippy-fucking-top of their class. The youngest administrator in the history of the Flow. Probably.

Here’s where the plus comes in.

This forest was the home of a divine beast. A creature of overwhelming strength and power. Essentially a murder machine with four paws and six eyes and a body covered in venomous, metal scales. Despite how the Cheater kept calling it a “poison kitty,” even the other Guides were terrified of it. The Orders hadn’t managed to kill it – only drive it away from Asphodel and send it fleeing into the Outer Reaches.

Now, normally, the Toxifovos was reclusive and hibernated in its den for cycles, only coming out to feed every so often. There was only one thing that could disturb its slumber.

It’s mortal enemy. Demon monkeys.

Demon monkeys that I’d helped evolve.

And now that plan was finally coming to fruition.

One that relied on the Cheater and Fang’s “road trip” and fresh relationship issues; one that assumed they would eventually crash straight into the screaming bamboo forest; one that predicted the resulting screams would draw a horde of demon monkeys hellbent on defending their territory; one that would inevitably draw the attention of the poison kitty—

Shit, now I was using the Cheater’s name for it…

It didn’t even make sense! That was venom on its scales! Venom! Poison referred to a toxic substance inside a creature’s body. A monster could be poisonous. Its attacks were always venomous. Obviously. Nyx would know that if he’d taken the damn Tutorial…

I took a deep breath. In. Out. Slurp.

Ahh, that was better. The breathing exercises helped.

But mostly it was the drinking.

Anyway, this was it! The culmination of all my hard work.

The Cheater and Fang were facing off against the toxifovos, standing there trembling in fear. Even the murder babies were backing away slowly and Fang had sheathed his blades – sweet despair rippling across his face. I was about to watch the Cheater and his impotent lizard sidekick finally get torn apart in a flurry of rainbows!

This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report.

See? I always suspected math could be fun!

“Wait… what’s happening?” I muttered a moment later, leaning forward.

“What are you doing?” Fang hissed on the viewing portal.

“Isn’t it obvious?” the Cheater asked over his shoulder as his shield broke apart and the corrupted energy swept back into his left hand. Then he did something insane; something that I hadn’t predicted; that the Flow itself hadn’t predicted. And I should know. I’d run the calculations at least a thousand times. He-he just walked straight toward the Toxifovos, the beast watching him with uncanny focus, scales quivering.

“No, it is not,” Fang snapped back.

“I mean, you just said it yourself. We found the Screaming Bamboo Forest’s staring contest champion!” the Cheater replied casually.

“The what? You will die—”

“I know, I know. He may be undefeated. But that just makes it more of a challenge,” the Cheater replied with a grin, never breaking eye contact with the creature. “Besides, he’s never met me. I’m a stubborn shithead, remember?”

The creature seemed equally surprised. Instead of attacking, the Toxifovos just stood there, its quills shrinking back and lying flat as the Cheater approached. Then the asshole just sat down in front of the divine beast – never breaking eye contact for a moment.

That was it. That was the extent of his “plan.”

The two of them just sat there. Staring at each other.

Ahh, my bad. Sat there surrounded by piles of flaming shit and the still-twitching bodies of at least a few hundred demon monkeys. It really set a strange scene.

One I could only stare at wide-eyed, my drink forgotten, my mouth hanging open and a continuous, high-pitched sound escaping my throat… like a muted scream.

Again? Again!? What even was this? Why wasn’t the poison kitty—

Damn it… no, the Toxifovos. Why wasn’t it attacking him?

Why did this keep happening to me?

“Hey Fang, what’s the record?” the Cheater asked.

“The what?” the useless lizard demanded. “What record?”

“What’s the longest someone’s matched the kitty’s stare?” the Cheater asked over his shoulder. “Oh, and what happens if I beat the poison kitty? Are there prizes?”

“Prizes?” Fang echoed from behind me. “Are you—”

The lizard cutoff, his yellow eyes sliding to the bag of nimbus gems still strapped to the Cheater’s chest. If I’d had a heart, it would have stopped in my chest. In that singular moment, Fang and I shared the same thought – a connection forged by our mutual desire for revenge. Although, in his case, it might have just been withdrawal.

“Yes, do it, Fang!” I hissed by mask growing dark.

Maybe I could still salvage this.

“Ahh, actually, you’re right. There is a prize.” Fang shifted slowly over to the wagon, the Toxifovos following his movements with its other two sets of eyes but making no move to attack. Then he began rummaging through the ratskin bags, doing his best to avoid the thick layer of still-smoldering shit…

Moments later, a rusty knife sliced through the air and lodged in the Cheater’s thigh. He let out a grunt of pain. A few more sailed after the first, glancing off Maribel’s shield as it rippled out of his hand, blocking the attacks.

“Ow, what the fuck?” the Cheater shouted back.

“Don’t worry. This is part of the competition,” Fang called back. “A… err, challenge round. It is to increase the difficulty.”

“That sounds made up. Are you sure you aren’t just trying to steal the gems?”

“No… no, of course not,” Fang muttered before letting out a frustrated hiss.

Then he glanced at the three babies as they stared raptly at Cheater. He offered them some of the rusty knives and they wavered – at least, for a second. But apparently, they hadn’t forgotten about the Cheater’s “brake system” for his new death wagon.

Or being used as bait.

Or as furry, child-labor.

Because they soon joined in on the fun.

“Oh gods!” the Cheater shouted. “Ow, shit… wait…”

“See!” Fang called out. “Even the babies can participate – a group activity that will bring us all closer together. Or are we not on a family road trip?”

The Cheater looked pretty conflicted at that one.

I take back everything I said before, I always knew Fang had it in him!

“Ahh… in that case, let’s go! I can do this all day!” the Cheater roared, ripping a blade from his arm. And he still hadn’t broken eye contact.

Could… could he really withstand the barrage of all four of them throwing rusty knives while engaged in some sort of strange staring contest with a divine beast?

I know, I know. I should be happy. I mean, even if Fang and the babies failed and the Cheater managed to survive, this was still wasting precious time. And that had been my goal, right? To stall them until Eris and Horus showed up and crushed them under the weight of their mutual misunderstanding?

Yet I still had this horrible feeling…

This hollow, dull ache in my chest where my heart should be.

The same exact feeling I’d had when I’d first met these two – when those first crimson error messages had cascaded through the Flow.

Maybe because there were still all these unanswered questions – questions I just knew the Cheater would ask in my place. Like, why wasn’t the Toxifovos attacking him? Why had it just sat down on its haunches? Why had its scales slicked down and the venom disappeared? Like it was relaxing? Why was it just calmly watching the others with its other eyes? And was that… was that amusement I detected in its expression?

My fingers tapped at my tablet. I’d seen a bestiary somewhere…

Bestiary Entry: Toxifovos

* Strength: Divine

* Spirit: Venom

* Mortal Enemy: Demon Monkeys

* Primary Attack: Homing metallic spines tipped in a high-concentration paralytic.

* Behavior: This creature will not attack unless provoked, but once combat has been initiated, its highly-armored body makes it impervious to nearly all attacks and its homing spikes making it impossible for its prey to flee. There is currently only one known way to defeat… (tap for more)

It just stopped. Right there. Just fucking trailed off.

I tapped where it said. Obviously. But then this happened.

Error. Permission Denied.

You lack the required training to access this information.

Please complete the Bestiary Tutorial to continue.

What? Why? Who the hell designed this piece of shit—

No, no. I just needed to calm down. Remember the exercises.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Sluuuuuuurp.

I had this. I had plenty of time. The Cheater wasn’t going anywhere – just sitting there forming shadow portals around himself to block the daggers, his chains draining the monkey corpses to heal his wounds. See? Plenty of time.

Besides, how hard could the bestiary tutorial be? I mean, it didn’t sound like that would involve any math, right? It was probably just a lot of memorization—

Bestiary Tutorial

Part 1 of 456,238,324,987

Question 1: Please calculate all possible genetic variants of a void-spirit-type divine beast starting from two infant time and space spirits, a Cheloniidae family vessel, and a low atmosphere biome across a period of six standard eons. Please show all of your work.

I could only stare at the prompt.

What? What!? There wasn’t even a lesson!

And that required tons of math! Like, so much math.

Besides, wasn’t it asking me how to breed a divine space turtle? Or many different types of space turtle? I’m like 61% sure that’s what that question was really asking. Why would I ever need to know that? This was total and unmitigated kraell shit—

Breathe in. Breathe out. Sluuuuuuurp.

Shit. It wasn’t working. I was still upset.

Sluuuuuuurp. Sluuuuuuuuuuuuurp.

Ahh, okay. I was good now. Calmer. More focused. Maybe this was impossibly difficult… and just the first question… and a ridiculous waste of time…

But I had this, right? I’d dealt with worse. Maybe.

Besides, what were a few eons anyway?

No… seriously. How long was an eon? That still wasn’t clear.

And then and uncomfortable realization.

Shit. Maybe—maybe I really am I minus.