Chapter 19 - Rules

The Wasteland Outside Apati

Nyx

Schlick, shlick, shlick.

“Oh gods... it feels so good...” I groaned.

Shlick, shlick, shlick.

“Hey babies, come look! See how it gets really tall and quivers?”

Shlick, shlick, shlick.

“Please stop. It is weird when you do this,” Fang hissed.

“Why? What's wrong with—" I began, turning.

Woah. Why are you all looking at me like that?

It's the spines! Like the ones on my new battle onesie? They flick out when I shake my arms and since the fabric is fused with my skin and the spines vibrate… yup, that’s right. My onesie has a massage setting. You can also use it on your legs. It feels great. Really helps work out the knots from dragging several tons of your bromantic partner’s useless crap.

Huh, you still look uncomfortable.

Seriously, I promise I wasn’t doing anything weird…

Or, well… not any weirder than normal? Just pulling the wagon. My babies and I have to remember? Because PK left us? It’s just me and the babies now – their perfect, misshapen furry bodies glowing a bright red as they channeled their spirits.

Besides, I have no idea what you were thinking.

But I do know it says a lot more about you than it does about me.

“No… it was weird,” Fang gasped as he pedaled his little, shriveled, dead heart out to keep pace with us.

I was skeptical. Or maybe it was hard to take him seriously when he was riding his tricycle.

“I hate to say this, but he’s right,” Lili added. “Besides, it feels like you were intentionally trying to bait your “audience” and we were the ones who had to pay for it.”

That’s, uh, not true. Obviously.

“Really? So, you weren’t practicing lines? For an hour? To impress… well, yourselves, I guess?”

“Hey, I thought you were supposed to be on my team?”

“Except your team is crazy,” Fang muttered.

Wow. I was feeling attacked right now.

Anyway, you should take everything they say with a grain of salt. They were just upset. Lili because we were driving through a veritable nimbus wasteland. After the screaming bamboo forest, it was just a big muddy field full of precious little food. Like none. Plus, that shadowy wall in the distance turned out to be a lot farther away than we expected.

And Fang had a fresh case of the grumpies because, well… he was Fang.

He even got to ride up front now! He should be happy.

Although, that was partly because he had to make a misty every so often. You know, to help conceal the Death Wagon 2.0 as it barreled across the muddy wasteland.

Not that this made a lot of sense since it was already super misty.

I couldn’t even make out the shadowy walls in the distance anymore.

Almost like that was Fang’s goal. To keep my blind folded. Lead me through the fog and then surprise me with the most epic party ever! Maybe there would be, uh, like an army of creatures to fight? Or we’d make a nice dinner together? Hold hands and sing?

Honestly, I wasn’t sure.

I mean, I’d, um… never been to a party.

Despite all of their rules and mantras and being generally uptight, the villagers back in Anchon had thrown them occasionally. It’s just that I was never invited. Actually, they locked me in one of the smoke houses. To make sure I couldn’t sneak in…

Which is why this was going to be the best party ever!

Also, technically, my worst. You know, because it was my first—

“That is not it! A million times I tell you this.” Fang huffed and hissed, yellow eyes glaring at me. Hmm. Things seemed to keep slipping out more easily lately.

“This place—”

“My surprise Apati, I interjected.

He sighed. “Apati. Just Apati. It is a place. A city. Also, dangerous,” Fang snapped. “You must take this seriously. No jokes. No strange plans. It is important that you don’t reveal who you are… what you are.”

You could be reading stolen content. Head to Royal Road for the genuine story.

“You mean sapian?” I shot back, hand to my chest. “That’s racist… or, uh, speciest?”

“No, that you are crazy. So crazy.”

His words cut deep, but it was the look in his eyes that got me…

Did they have to look so dead inside?

“We’ve been over this. I don’t like that word,” I replied evenly.

And now he was kneading at his temple with a claw and growling under his breath. “Fine. We will make this easy. I know you like rules—

“Well, like might not be the right word—”

“We will make them simple. Very simple. So simple even you can remember,” Fang snapped. “Rule #1: You need a new name. Anything except Nyx or the Hollow.”

That made sense. You know, since we were being chased? Probably?

Also, the rule was super open-ended and—

Oh, shit. Wait. Was Fang suggesting… roleplay?

I mean, I kept telling him our bromantic relationship had started to stagnate. Was this—no, it had to be! This must be how he planned to spice things up—

Ahh, he was glaring again.

“Okay, sure, obviously,” I replied, totally nonchalant. “What else?”

Fang stared another moment longer, but I didn’t crack – just put on my most innocent and attentive expression. See? Roleplay!

Then he sighed and continued, “Rule #2: You will not use your spirits. Any of them.”

I just stared back, stumbling slightly over a rock before I caught back up to the babies – who were all now paying rapt attention. Even Maribel gave an angry little hand tingle.

“Ahh, but then how will we do couple’s therapy?”

“Or eat?” Lili insisted, the skin on my arm itching.

“You won’t,” Fang answered, smiling a little too much – almost like he was happy to skip couple’s therapy. Which was just impossible. Maybe he was already getting into character? Yeah, that had to be it—

Maribel stabbed a finger at the ratpack, her question implied.

“Maribel’s right! What about the babies?” I demanded, waving at them, each one giving Fang their saddest murder-demon-eyes. They were so big. Like crimson moons. “They’re so excited about the surprise party! Would you really deny them this—"

“No! No one must see the babies!”

Maribel didn’t love that. She kept trying to flick Fang off with my left hand. Also, throttle him. I mean, I could see where she was coming from. I always knew Fang was secretly ashamed of our children. But this… this was just proof, wasn’t it?

“Wait, was he saying no to the couple’s therapy or the eating?” Lili demanded, corrupted black text scrawling up my arm even as she raised it and waved it in Fang’s face.

Fang glared at the offending limb. “Both. You are on a diet. For your own safety… and for everyone else’s. Also, because your vessel is getting large. Too large. It is important to make a good impression. And fit through doors.”

Wow. I mean, just… wow.

Okay, sure, fine… maybe I’d made a few more demon monkey burgers than we really needed. Also, the barbeque kabobs. And the blood heart smoothies.

Anyway, my point was that my babies were still developing little murder demons… possibly. And nutrition was incredibly important for growing teenagers, right? That’s how they were able to pull the wagon so easily now, wasn’t it? Besides, this was a vacation! Wasn’t I supposed to cut loose? You know, devour everything in sight?

“Exactly!” Lili crowed. “This is just more body shaming. No matter how large and scarred and ugly you become, I’m still beautiful on your inside. Why can’t he see that?”

Yeah, exactly—

I hesitated, frowning. Wait, that didn’t sound quite right…

“And most important is Rule #3,” Fang continued, ignoring my confused expression and the increasingly angry images I could only imagine Lili was drawing on me.

“You must act normal.”

Lili and I both froze. Even Maribel hesitated.

“Uh, what does that mean?” I asked.

“Normal,” he repeated, raising a claw. “Not weird. No crazy games. No therapy. No killing anyone—not even maiming. No battle onesies – that is why you have to wear the cloak. No strange, made-up parties…”

He was just ticking off a list of my favorite things on his scaly claws.

Now, I know what you’re thinking – that I was probably upset at these arbitrary and controlling rules that were sure to ruin my first party ever.

Except that’s where you would be wrong.

You see, I’d had my suspicions for a while now. Of Fang, I mean. Because he was clearly hiding something. I had a sixth sense for these things.

“He straight up admitted it,” Lili interjected sourly. “Also, Asshole-You told us as much.”

Sure, yeah, that too.

But I’d also had a feeling.

Fang had been weird about this place for a while now – always trying to get to us to “leave” or “turn around” or “go another way, anywhere else, please for the love of the Flow.” Also, the closer we got, the more controlling he became. Almost like he was returning home and he was embarrassed of us – his bromantic partner and his three adopted murder babies. Can you imagine that?

Clearly, that was impossible, though. Fang obviously lived in a cave or under a rock or something. I’ll admit that wasn’t super clear.

Plus, his family was dead. Super dead.

Yet it was all obvious now. There was only one explanation.

Fang really was throwing us a surprise party.

You know, for saving his scaly ass, rescuing him from a gate he couldn’t possibly have defeated on his own, and then planning the best family road trip ever.

“Uh, are you sure?” Lili sounded skeptical.

Of course, I was. It was even in the name of the city! That was the hint, obviously.

“But what about how we tortured him by withholding the gems? Or made him juggle all his loot? Or how you humiliated him by forcing him to drive his little lizard tricycle?” Lili demanded. “Oh, or what about that time he tried to backstab us with his upgraded poison ring? Doesn’t he seem… angry and resentful?”

Maribel just pointed at my right hand. It seemed she agreed.

I can see you all look skeptical too.

But wait, hear me out…

That was all part of the ruse. More roleplay.

I mean, this is Fang we’re talking about, right? We all know he has to be lying about something. Probably even multiple somethings. So why not this?

Which is why it was easy for me to agree to his terms.

“That’s fine. I’ll behave,” I replied.

Fang just glared back suspiciously, huffing and puffing.

Maybe because I was smiling. I’d been practicing. It only hurt a lot now.

And just to summarize. Here were our new rules:

* Rule #1: Change my name. It could be anything I wanted. Anything at all.

* Rule #2: Don’t show anyone Lili or Maribel. Also, the babies. Disguises were okay as long as they were tasteful. We could also nibble on Fang as needed to maintain our blood-nimbus levels, because “spiritual diabetes” was a concerning and very real health condition. One we totally had. We just had to nibble in private.

* Rule #3: Be cool. The coolest guy at my surprise party.

* Bonus Rule #4: Act surprised when the party started.

“That isn’t what he said at all—” Lili began sharply, only to pause and reconsider. “Actually, on second thought, I love it.”

Maribel tickled her approval as well.

All three of us were in perfect agreement, two thumbs up and a smiling nod. Which only caused Fang’s eyes to squeeze into two, thin suspicious lines.

Fortunately, he couldn’t ask any follow up questions. Because we were here!

And boy did we make an entrance…