Chapter 15 - Too Soon

I tried to drag it out. I really did. The road trip, I mean.

Honestly, I just didn’t want it to end. And maybe I was nervous about the future – what lay beyond the screaming bamboo forest, and shit-flinging monkeys, and also PK’s quaint villa overlooking the glowing, green hot springs.

Which was even more perfect after I built the hotel and the deck around the springs. Also, the retaining wall surrounding the property to keep out the bamboo – after we removed the existing vegetation and root system, of course. We even rehabilitated his fruit trees with a fresh batch of fertilizer. Yes, it was the mulched corpses of the many, many demon monkeys who had sacrificed themselves for the sake of my new friend’s home reno.

As a bonus, I even built a raised deck for PK overtop his cave – one that gave him a perfect view of the lake and the surrounding forest.

He could kill the monkeys from miles away now.

I wish you could have seen the final product!

We spent hours soaking in the springs. I even suggested that PK consider opening up the property – using it as a vacation destination when he was traveling or visiting friends. I mean, I bet tourists would jump at the opportunity to visit what was essentially a high-end spa. He’d looked a little skeptical, but I was quick to reassure him.

People were always talking about toxins nowadays.

At least, so I’d heard back in the gate.

Okay, fine, it was just me and Fang.

But those toxins were critical for maintaining your health. Specifically, it was important to infuse as many poisons and acids and venoms as possible into your vessel. To build up your tolerance, of course.

Ingesting them was an easy first step – we’d certainly done a lot of that. But that just couldn’t match the efficiency of soaking in hot, bubbling, poisonous sludge. It really infused those toxins deep, deep into the tissue where they’d never, ever leave you…

“There’s just so much wrong with that,” Lili sighed. “Like I don’t even know where to start... And what was that last line? Your own abandonment issues on full display? Do you really think anyone would want to soak in a poison bath?”

“Fang liked it,” I shot back.

“You had to paralyze him first.”

“He still enjoyed it after he calmed down.”

At least, I think so. He couldn’t really talk… because of, uh, the paralytic.

In my defense, I was trying to see if I could turn him back into that pink, super cute Fang! You know, in order to tease out his deep, dark secrets. Unfortunately, it didn’t work. Maybe it was the poison. It was a little concentrated. Which was fantastic for exfoliating your skin and getting it buttery soft. But it also sort of started to melt after a few minutes – the skin, that is. The babies’ fur came off in clumps. It was gross.

Which was why it was important to take breaks from the poison springs. Also, not to put your head below the water. The chemicals were designed to keep the springs clean of any bacteria and algae and, well… organic matter generally.

But it was fantastic for safely dissolving the monkey corpses.

Besides, my babies were fine. I could re-summon them and they were just having so much fun. And once the paralytic wore off, they chased their Trash Daddy around, using the bamboo like a water cannon – that was my idea. All you had to do was fill it up, aim it at your bromantic partner, and then tickle the tube. I can still hear Fang’s excited, happy screams and their manic chitter ringing through the forest. Ahh, good times.

Anyway, after we helped our friend renovate his property and used up most of our bamboo and stash of demon monkeys, we hit the open road again!

PK was so happy with our remodeling work that he actually offered to pull the wagon. I didn’t even have to make him wear the harness – he did it willingly. He also showed us some of his favorite local killing grounds. My favorite was the safari tour of the demon monkey village.

“We killed thousands and devoured their sweet nimbus!” Lili crowed.

We sure did. Just a quick family drive-by.

Then we went shopping at a local farmer’s market!

“It was just PK fruit’s trees,” she replied, less enthused that time.

Except, the fruit was delicious. I told you that already, right? That’s not exactly new, but you know what is? A question occurred to me during the safari tour: didn’t the monkeys seem to love the fruit? Also, it was super juicy and the skin was pretty thin – almost like a water balloon, right? The next question came naturally. It felt organic.

What if we injected some of the poison from the springs into the fruit?

Now, I know what you’re probably thinking.

That it would make for fantastic bait, right? Like if the monkeys ate the fruit, then they’d get poisoned and die faster? I’ll admit, that was part of it.

But not all of it. You’re really not thinking big enough. Weapons were all about the delivery system. I even gave you a hint already. Remember the tube fight—

Ahh, yeah. You see it now. I can tell.

It’s the murderous glint in your eyes. Fang had the same expression.

It almost made me forget that he was a dirty, dirty secret keeper.

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Anyway, yes, we built a handheld cannon out of bamboo tubes – one that fired heart-shaped fruit that glowed a sickly emerald-crimson. And something about the air pressure or poison or whatever dissolved the skin. Which meant once you fired the fruit…

Yep. It soon exploded, creating a sickly sweet cloud of pure monkey death.

It was amazing. Here, I’ll show you. You just grab a fruit – like so.

Then you just ram it in – sometimes you might need to use a little lubrication if yours is particularly large. But be gentle. The skin is tender. Then you give the tube a little rub and tickle until it erupts with a scream of bloody delight!

“Uh…” Lili muttered. “Do you want to rethink that description?”

Nope. It was perfect the first time.

“Sometimes I wonder if Fang is the lucky one.”

“Uh, really? Why? Because of the sweet new ride I built for him?”

“No—because he doesn’t have to hear any of this.”

Uh, okay. Harsh.

Also, take what she says with a grain of salt. She’s just a little hangry.

You see, the bamboomers – that’s what we were calling my new poison-death-cannon – they made short work of the monkeys. PK didn’t even have to help anymore! Plus, I was able to improve on the design, lengthening the barrel to get some extra range and then mounting the cannons to the raised platforms I’d installed on either side of the Death Wagon.

Now, I know what you’re probably thinking. “Who would man those cannons? Maybe Fang? But I thought you said he was a terrible backseat driver?”

Well, you’re right. That was too much responsibility for him. Too soon, you know?

Plus, we still hadn’t broken him yet. We would rip those secrets from his cold dead heart one way or another, but most likely with copious emotional and physical abuse.

Anyway, my babies were more than happy to main the cannons! They chittered in murderous delight, their blood-red saucers sparkling as they committed monkey genocide. And, since there were only two turrets, that left one to operate the poo-crete chutes and help with the braking. Plus, it taught my babies how to share.

And possibly gave their [Battle Daddy] more leverage.

They were getting older, remember? And this was an important step in that development. Parents had to know when to set boundaries – to encourage independence. Sure, the babies might have pitched each other over the side of the wagon more than a few times, leaving a long bloody trail of former baby in the wagon’s wake…

But they could respawn!

This was also the best time and place for them to experiment. Resources are scarce – that’s just a universal truth. And this gave them the opportunity to learn how to blackmail and assassinate their competition in a safe environment. Someday, they might eventually leave the nest and run off to conquer cities and pillage nations on their own…

Which is why I savored every moment. Soaked in every precious second as they fired off the bamboomers in a frantic hail of poisoned fruit, puffs of green floating over huge swathes of the bamboo forest and their shrieks of joy ringing through the air. It was perfect.

What? What was that? What was I doing during all of this?

Ahh, well… nothing. And it was amazing.

All I had to do was sit back, relax, and have a few barbeque monkey kababs while I soaked in the sights – and a veritable ocean of nimbus, my aura stretched to its limit. I’d noticed it really helped loosen up the roots and bamboo that came fountaining over the top of the plow. Plus, it tamped down on Lili’s complaining.

I’d even built a little awning and a lounge chair – one with plenty of cup holders.

But like all good things, it eventually had to come to an end.

Mostly because we ran out of monkeys. And then out of forest—

Our Death Wagon broke free of the bamboo with a shower of debris, the screams of the dying plants, and a barrage of gunfire, thick green clouds of poison blooming in the sky and following us in a huge emerald river. Although, this time there was no need for the emergency brakes. We just ground to a halt as we slammed into a handy trench, mud and dirt fountaining up into the air and nearly knocking me out of my seat.

Luckily, I’d had the foresight to install a seatbelt.

It was a fitting finish. Even if it was sad to see it end.

“Are you crying?” Lili muttered. “Really?”

“Uh, no! It’s just the mist,” I shot back, wiping at my eyes.

“Yeah, sure it is,” she drawled.

To my credit, there was a lot of mist.

The vapor seemed to cling to the bamboo forest behind us, the vegetation forming a long line that stretched off in either direction. The forest just… ended. It was super weird. Maybe because of the huge muddy trench that had been dug up along the edge of the bamboo – the one that stretched nearly 10 yards.

In the distance, I could barely make out the shadowy silhouette of what might be a wall? It was hard to tell through the fog. Seriously, it was ridiculous – and this is coming from someone that grew up in Anchon where damp was just a state of being.

Honestly, it was a little hard to breath here…

“Oh, thank… *huff*… the gods. We’re finally… *huff*… here,” a familiar, wheezing shout came from behind us, followed by a rhythmic squeaking sound – like claws on stone.

The reason for that soon became obvious.

Fang’s new “ride” slowly emerged from the fog at our backs. I’d built it to help him keep up. After that whole thing with the loot and running, it was clear Fang was still suffering from… performance issues. He still lacked staying power. But I don’t have to tell you, right? I mean, you know how he has a tendency to pop off with no follow through, right?

Also, I knew he could be sensitive about his lack of endurance.

So, I pressed on that weakness hard.

Specifically, I built him something special. One big wheel out front, two little ones behind. Little peddles, his legs a scaly, green blur of movement. Although, the screeching grind was my fault. Friction between the front wheel and the frame. I could have fixed it, but it drowned out Fang’s complaining. I even made him a little trailer to help carry his backup loot. I called it his Big Wheel.

It was… it was just adorable.

“Stop it,” Fang scowled at us as we stood there watching him.

All six of us – me, PK, Lili, the three babies…

Oh, shit. Make that seven. Maribel was laughing too.

“You just… look so cool,” I managed to squeak out. “The coolest.”

“This is not a joke,” he huffed, sliding to a halt and trying to lift himself out of his Big Wheel. That proved difficult with that strange and still-unexplained pack on his back. It looked heavy. “This is a dangerous… *huff* Damn it…”

“Would you like help?” I asked sweetly.

Oh, yeah. That was a feature too.

I’d almost broken him. I could tell. It was the glare.

“No,” he hissed. Then he made a misty and two of his clones helped lift him out of his Big Wheel and back onto his two scaly feet.

“As I said, this place is dangerous,” Fang snapped at us. I swear, we weren’t laughing. Okay, maybe the babies were… “That place in the distance is Apati—”

“A party?” I interjected, suddenly intrigued. “That sounds fun—”

“Apati. Not a party,” Fang snapped, stabbing a finger at me. “You know this.”

“Okay. Sure. So, what’s so dangerous about this place—”

I was interrupted as PK nudged against me, jerking my arm. Then he gave me a long lick across the face. His tongue was like a cheese grater. It hurt so bad, even with my [Pain Tolerance]. But it was also really sweet, you know?

“Ahh, thank you, PK!” I murmured, giving him pets. Carefully. I’d paralyzed myself so many times already trying to hug him. Which was dangerous.

Too much and I might wake up in the back of Fang’s Big Wheel and halfway across the bamboo forest… for, uh the second time. Or third? Sorry, hard to keep track.

Behind PK, three sets of glowing, red eyes peered over the edge of the wagon, fruit cannons now pointed in my direction. Hmm, it seemed someone was jealous.

Again, it’s important to set boundaries with your children. To make space for yourself – for your needs. Like having adult friends. Sure, they might be a horrible murder monster that lived beside a toxic swamp that you only just met, but—

The kitty suddenly pushed away my hand, looking me dead in the eye.

Huh, well that was a serious look – almost sad. One that stopped that babbling buzz in my head cold. Because, somehow, I knew what he was trying to say.

This was it. The end of the line.

Yet another thing I’d been putting off.

It was time for our hitchhiker to finally, well… take a hike.