What I’d forgotten was that the universe hates me.

Also, maybe I’d gotten lazy about asking questions. It was hard to maintain that same childlike inquisitiveness day after day. I also partially blame spending five cycles inside a cesspit of rat shit. But you’re right. I’m supposed to be a recovering hypocrite. So, I should probably get back to basics. Start asking the big questions.

Like if the weird demon monkeys had adapted to hunt in this screaming bamboo forest, how did they attack their prey? Also, what did they eat? Oh, and what kind of spirit was nestled within their core – tucked away behind those glowing red eyes?

Turns out, it was a shit spirit.

I mean, I don’t know that for sure. Maybe a digestion spirit? Or stomach enzyme spirit? Food spirit? Technically, those would all work. What I didn’t quite understand was why it was on fire. Or how… well, how sticky it was.

Uh, what was that? What the hell is going on?

Also, great questions. I love that you’re getting into the spirit of things!

Best I could tell, the demon monkeys were throwing their flaming shit at us. Again, to be clear, it was really sticky, flaming shit. They squeezed it out into their paws when their torso spun around. Ahh, there’s a fresh wave incoming right now actually—

A flaming deluge splashed against Maribel’s shield, much of it dripping off and sizzling along the ground. More of it was mounding up against the other side of the Death Wagon. You know, because Fang and I had taken cover behind it. It was safer and safety was super important on a family road trip. Huge clouds of steam wafted through the air as the mist touched the smoldering crap mountains.

Okay, like I said, I didn’t know it was shit.

It’s just that the demon monkeys were expelling it from one of the holes in their body. It was hard to tell which one since their torso rotated really fast. Plus, it stunk bad, but that could be some sort of chemical accelerant. Or, at least, that’s what [Engineering] said. Also, wow those demon monkeys were nimble. They could jump and leap between the reeds with perfect precision, perched on just the tips and usually with a single hand.

The leaping also seemed to help them line up their shots better.

I hated it. Hated it a lot actually.

“Maybe if you focused we could deal with that problem?” Lili offered in a weary voice. “Perhaps kill them off and drain their sweet nimbus?”

“I’m trying! There are just so many,” I muttered, peeking over the top of the wagon. “And it’s hard to catch them—”

A shadow portal snapped open, and my chain lashed out, the demon monkey dodging in a fluid, impossible movement before snatching another reed. Then my babies pulled me back down as more flaming shit slapped against the wagon. Sure, it wasn’t setting the vehicle on fire with all of the mist and moisture.

But still! I’d just built it. It was brand spanking new!

Or, I guess it was before I’d crashed into the bamboo forest. Shit, I really hoped it was okay… Wait, what was I even saying!?

Even if it was fine before, it was covered in flaming shit now!

I could feel my road trip dreams slipping away…

And it was only one person’s fault!

“You could help, you know?” I demanded, whirling toward my useless co-parent.

He could have murdered all the monkeys super-fast if he wanted.

“Sure… for a price,” Fang answered, crossing his arms.

His eyes looked clearer than they had in ages – too clear. Huh, even his skin looked better actually. A ruddier green. And his scales weren’t flaking anymore. Maybe the road trip and my blackmail had been good for him. Probably all the screaming and adrenaline had been cathartic too. Oh, shit – he was still watching me, that toothy grin widening.

“Uh, what price?” I asked sweetly to the pitter patter of flaming shit striking my wagon. I winced at each impact. And he knew it – he knew he had me. All that shit piling up against my Death Wagon would bury it eventually. I still wasn’t sure what the monkeys ate, but they’d definitely filled up ahead of time.

“You know what price,” he answered.

Yeah. I guess I did. The bag of nimbus gems was still strapped to my chest.

“But you just got clean… ish,” I retorted. “You’ve been much more present on this trip. More attentive to me and the babies. You even participated in our songs!”

His eye twitched that time. Heh.

“That was not participating. That was you blackmailing me with the gems and then charging recklessly through the swamp. It is why you crashed into the screaming forest.”

“Uh, I think you mean you crashed,” I retorted.

“How? How did I crash? You were pulling the wagon!”

“I wasn’t even touching the wagon when you crashed it,” I retorted. “And weren’t you in the slave driver’s seat?” That’s what he called his ratsack throne. “You know, while you were throwing those old, rusty daggers at me? Incentive to run faster you said!”

He was looking cagey now. “That is not what happened, you are misremembering—”

Oh, that son of a probably-perfectly-nice-broodmother.

“Because I was so slow?” I interjected. “So slow that I run at the speed of smell, you said. But it’s okay, “I may be slow, but at least I build shitty wagons?” “One with only three gears: slow, slower, and stopped?” Fang just laughed. Laughed!

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“But it was… it was sooo slow,” he chuckled.

In my defense, I had just started and it took a while to build up momentum.

Also, we found a hill eventually. That really helped.

Although, Fang stopped laughing when he saw my expression.

That was an admission. Or good enough, anyway.

Ha. Not crazy! See?

“That isn’t quite the victory you seem to think it is,” Lili drawled.

“Anyway, so you’re responsible for this,” I said, pointing at the shit.

Wow, the piles were really getting large… and deep. I’d sort of been hoping that maybe they’d run out of flaming poo. That was looking like that was a soft, flaming no.

“And I told you not to go this way. The north is dangerous. This – all of this – is why no one travels this way,” Fang snapped. “I told you this many times, but you and Lili just ignored me. You only talk about your feelings.”

“You know I don’t like it when you say it like that.”

“Ahh, how your feelings always get us ankle deep in shit? And why is it always on fire? How do you even manage this?”

“He… he might actually have a point,” Lili murmured. “I mean, looking at your memories, you did come up with the plan to jump in the gate. And that whole pitch blade idea to burn the rats…”

“Whose team are you on?” I shot back.

“See? Even Lili knows the truth.”

Fang didn’t look upset anymore, just… resigned. Rubbing a claw at his temple while the thud, thud, thud of flaming shit beat out a frantic rhythm against the wagon at our backs. Also, the shields the babies were holding up to create a circular wall around us.

“Besides, I am too weak now,” Fang murmured, laying a hand across his forehead. “All that nimbus I spent making clones and killing monsters and collecting their corpses…”

I just squinted at him. “You seem fine.”

“But I cannot drain the nimbus like you. Create that [Shadow Aura] while you run.”

He let out a sigh. “I have no fuel left in the tank, as you say.”

The crafty trash goblin peered at me between his scaled fingers. “Is that not important on a “road trip” – as you call it? Is this not the “gas station” you speak of. It certainly reeks.”

Okay, it was my turn to stare. That was… that was…

“You’re totally right,” I muttered in astonishment.

Wow. Did that mean Fang really did listen? This was awesome!

“I guess I should give you at least—”

“Fifty gems,” he interjected, his act vanishing, his face now far too close, and his eyes going round. Woah, his pupils were super dilated.

“Uh, that seems like a lot—”

I cut off as something much heavier than flaming shit struck my babies’ shield roof. I waved at them and they shifted to form a small viewing hole. Huh, it was the corpse of one of those demon monkeys. That was weird, right? Had the others killed him by accident? Maybe a heart attack or something from all that leaping? Or is this what happened when the monkeys finally ran out of shit? I knew they couldn’t keep it up forever!

“Or it could be the big needle sticking out of its neck,” Lili countered.

You know what? She could be right. I plucked the barb free and held it up to the nearby flames. It was as long as my hand, an inch across, and flat. But it was rigid and incredibly strong. Also, there was some glowing green stuff on the top.

Which looked delicious! I hadn’t seen that vibrant color of poison since the shroom garden back in the lair. None of the food here in the Five Rivers had the spice level I’d grown accustomed to. I mean, I’d brought some of the shrooms with us, but they wouldn’t last forever. Maybe this was a good replacement. Only one way to find out—

Yeah. Wow. What a kick!

I even felt my lips go numb. Paralytic most likely.

“Did you just… lick the glowing green death needle?” Lili asked.

Of course. How else was I supposed to taste it?

Anyway, did this mean the monkey wasn’t dead? I peeled back one eyelid. Woah, yup, still alive. Weird. You know what was even stranger, though?

The thump, thump, thumping had vanished.

“They stopped firing,” I observed.

“No… we do not know that,” Fang countered, sounding a little frantic. “This could just be a trick – an attempt to lure us out. You must give me the gems, top off my nimbus just to be safe. Wait—what are you doing?”

I was sightseeing! And I couldn’t see shit behind my babies’ shield roof. Well, I mean, I could – but you understand what I’m trying to say, right?

Anyway, with a wave, the shields peeled back, the flaming shit sloughing away—

Only to reveal a hellscape. Fiery shit coated the whole wagon, much of the bamboo around us, and sat in big smoldering piles. The smell was also pretty special.

The monkeys had all dropped to the ground. Hundreds of them. They just lay there twitching. Each one had those barbs stuck in their furry bodies.

Which really begged a more interesting question…

Like what the hell had taken down the monkeys?

“I’m guessing that thing,” Lili offered, my right hand rising, black veins riddling the skin. She pointed at the edge of the clearing my Death Wagon had created.

Three sets of glowing, green eyes peered through the vapor, followed by a body at least thirty feet long, one that moved with a lithe grace through the thick steam. It looked like a tiger – but if its fur had been replaced with scale spikes with the tensile strength of metal. Those spines rippled as it moved, flattening against its body and reflecting the light cast by the heaping mountains of flaming shit.

“Oh,” I murmured.

“We need to run,” Fang hissed softly. His limbs were frozen in place and he wasn’t even reaching for his dagger. Weird.

He was also doing that sweating thing again.

“So, you know what that thing is?”

“Toxifovos. Apex predator. So dangerous. Too dangerous,” Fang said, not making a single move. Wait, were his hands trembling? And what was that expression in his eyes?

Was that… respect? Maybe even something fear-adjacent? Wow.

“What are you doing?” Fang hissed.

Ahh, well, um… if I sort of cut in front of Fang, it was almost like he was looking at me like that. With respect and fear, I mean. It felt pretty good.

Okay, now he was just glaring again.

“Uh, nothing. Just trying to get a better look,” I replied.

Hmm, so I just had to beat this oversized poison kitty then? No problem.

I turned around slowly, maintaining eye contact with that monster – which was awkward. The poison kitty had six eyes, after all. So, I just picked two. The spines along its back had all risen up, quivering a little as they stood on end. Each time, a droplet of glowing green poison eeked from the tip. I’ll be honest, it looked pretty cool.

Also, we were apparently in some sort of staring contest?

“Is the staring normal?” I asked over my shoulder.

“If you break its gaze or try to flee, it will fire. The needles track you.” Fang was slowly pulling his daggers free without breaking eye contact.

“So, is there any way to kill it?”

“Kill it?” Fang echoed incredulously. “No. No one would be stupid enough to hunt this creature. Few hunters have even gotten this close to it.”

“Huh,” I grunted, cocking my head.

“Wait, what are you thinking?” Lili demanded. “I can see the edges of it, but—”

Oh, don’t mind her. She’s been a real killjoy lately.

And why are you all looking at me like that!? Don’t you trust me?

Wow. Okay. You don’t all have to look away and mutter under your breath…

Seriously, you’re worried for nothing! I was just thinking that I didn’t love how my babies were staring raptly at the poison kitty – blood-red eyes wide and shining in fascinated awe. It was similar to the expression that was on Fang’s face. He never looked at me like that! Okay, technically, he did… but it was just for a second, so that didn’t really count.

But maybe I could change that. Besides, I had a reputation to uphold, after all. I was supposed to be the [Battle Daddy], right? We couldn’t have a repeat of that situation with the rat ogre. I needed to nip this in the poison-tipped-bud right now.

“Except how? How are you going to defeat this creature?” Lili demanded. “I can sense its nimbus and it could kill us in a heartbeat – faster maybe.”

Huh. Did she really not see it? it seemed obvious.

Hadn’t Fang just told us the answer.

I mean, it was almost like someone had set this up just for me.

You know, stubborn shithead and all.

Wait… do you see it? No?

Wow. Alright. Maybe I’m only the genius here.

I guess I’ll just have to show you then.