Chapter 16 - Parting Presents

I knew it couldn’t last forever – good things never did.

And PK was probably one of the best things to ever happen to us.

Or, at least, to me. He didn’t really like Fang and only tolerated the babies.

“What is your monster doing?” Fang hissed, backing away in a puff of mist. He was suddenly standing near the wagon and the babies, glaring suspiciously.

That was, uh, also a good question.

PK appeared to be shivering rapidly. It was pretty strange to watch. His spines almost blurred from the vibration and the ground was trembling slightly. Maybe too much of my cooking? Indigestion maybe? I mean, PK was looking a little thicker around the middle.

Not that I was fat-shaming him, of course!

I would never. Not after all of Fang’s mean comments.

Huh, was PK’s skin peeling off? It was as though the kitty was releasing a second layer – like a snake or something—

Molting! That’s the word. Except, the kitty’s skin was mostly a hard layer of armor and spikes with a tensile strength far greater than steel. That could explain the sparks, though. Also, the impressive amount of heat coming off of him.

Moments later, a hollow replica of PK fell to the ground, including his head and the spines along his back. The surface glowed softly like it had been heated in a furnace and it sizzled where it touched the mixture of mud and moisture.

Which left poison kitty looking—

Woah. Iridescent. He was just glowing. Like, literally. His scales were now different colors, vivid and bright and no longer worn down and tarnished by mist and poison.

He was radiant.

And he knew it.

PK preened, rising to his full height.

“I agree, you’re beautiful.”

“And terrifying. I like it,” Lili added.

Maribel was less enthused. Just an itching sensation along my left hand. Although, she was clearly biased. If it wasn’t a rat, then she wasn’t interested.

Speaking of which, my babies were all still watching from the safety of the wagon. Trembling, and shivering, and staring. That included Fang, of course.

“Well, thank you for the… err, present?” I offered, waving at PK’s glowing metal skin. “I had a lot of fun with you too—”

Shlick.

I felt something sting the back of my neck…

Huh, my hand wasn’t responding. Or my feet? Weird.

“Probably the spines sticking out of us,” Lili sighed.

Ahh, she was right! All five dozen of them.

It was almost flattering really. I mean, PK thought it took this much poison to paralyze me? I knew soaking in the poison springs was worth it…

“That’s what you’re focused on? I told you that monster was going to end up eating us.” She heaved out a sigh. “I feel so conflicted. On the one hand, I fucking told you so. On the other, we’re probably going to die here.”

Oh, corrupted spirit of little faith. I could still wiggle my fingers—

Shlick, shlick, shlick.

Okay, uh, not anymore.

I was starting to get concerned, but surely Fang and the babies would—

Ahh, no. They were still hiding in the Death Wagon. Fang actually locked the door. He even made full eye contact as he did it. Wow.

Meanwhile, PK stalked toward me, his tail lashing around his former skin, still glowing a bright, vibrant red, steam coiling away from it in thick clouds. It looked hot. Like really hot. What was he going to do with the skin? Maybe mold it into something cool? But did I really need to be incapacitated for that—

Unless… oh, oh shit. I saw it now—

Right before PK gripped his still pliable and very much molten skin between his teeth and slung it over my shoulders. Just a brief delay as my clothes ignited and burned away. Then came the pain. It was intense. Excruciating really. A scream was already tearing its way out of my throat—

“Ahhhhhh…”

Or, at least, that’s what I expected.

“Ahhha… ahha…hahaha. Stop… stop it…”

My skin melting actually didn’t feel that bad – at least, not after the poison springs. See? I told you! It was all about getting the toxins as deep as possible.

Except it tickled so bad.

Uh, what was that? Why?

Because PK kept licking the metal! He was slowly molding it to my body, each long tongue stroke cooling the surface rapidly. The parts under my arms and along my feet were the worst. Yup, only those spots. And a surprisingly short time later, he was done, steam wafting away from my awesome new…

Well, it was a onesie.

I didn’t really have a better word to describe it.

Uncomfortably form fitting, hard as metal yet surprisingly flexible, with gloves that made my fingers look like paws – there was even a little latch thing for my arm chain!

I turned to look at my back and felt something shift along my neck. Oh, oh, oh, it had a hood too? And it made me look like PK – it even had six little eyes! And it sort of stuck to my head and face when I put it on. Mostly by vibrating up to temperature and fusing with my skin. Just a minor burning sensation and then bam! Full hood.

This was so cool. And if I sort of whipped my arms real fast—

If you find this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the infringement.

Shlick. The metal spines stood up along my arms.

No poison, though. Boo.

Shlick. Off.

Shlick. Back on.

Still very cool, though.

Okay, I was wrong before.

This wasn’t just a onesie. It was clearly a battle onesie.

Ahh, and PK was just sitting there, waiting for a reaction. No doubt, this was his way of repaying me for remodeling his house. I didn’t need payment – certainly hadn’t asked for any. I gave out my grass, gas, and kick-ass freely. He knew that.

And this was just too much.

Words weren’t going to be sufficient – not for this.

So, I did the next best thing. I just leapt at that cuddly ball of poisonous death spikes… which I was now immune to! I could finally reach the gooey, soft, adorable center I always knew rested inside all of those super sharp spikes. We tumbled and cuddled and I got that spot right behind his ears I always knew he was just dying for me to scratch, but I could never quite reach. Mostly because I passed out before I got that far…

And then, of course, Fang ruined everything.

“What is this?” Fang demanded.

PK and I froze. We turned, pulling away from each other.

Only to find the others were staring at us from the Death Wagon. Four sets of eyes. Three blood-red and full of jealous, murderous rage that made me feel pretty good. One yellow and squashed into twin, judgmental lines…

“It’s a battle onesie, obviously,” I answered.

Silence and then, “How will you bathe? Or go to the bathroom?”

“Well, uh, that’s—” I began.

Shit. Those were really good questions.

PK had fused this to my skin, right? That didn’t sound—

“No, it’s not a problem! Look at the hood? It comes off, right?” I retorted, ripping it free with no small amount of effort and trying my best not to flinch.

“By vibrating. Turning bright red and melting. Does that not hurt?” Fang asked, stepping out of the wagon.

“I mean… a little – especially over the sensitive areas. Like my eyelids. What’s your point,” I asked, crossing my arms. Not defensively, of course.

“Hmm, interesting. Sapians must not be sensitive… down there then.”

It wasn’t a question. Definitely a statement.

“Yeah, that’s right, I can always just—”

Oh shit. Shit. Shit, shit, shit.

“Wait, PK, you wouldn’t have designed this without—”

I cut off as I turned. There was no point in finishing my question. The answer was already staring right back at me.

Which was ironic. Because PK couldn’t fucking meet my eyes.

And while I contemplated how many barbeque kabobs I’d eaten recently (a lot) and how much heart juice I’d drank (way too much), PK decided to move on.

He stalked toward the wagon. The babies all vanished back into the bed in an instant. Fang looked around to find himself alone – the sole object of the cat’s attention.

“Shit,” the terrified trash goblin muttered. He considered running for a moment, before realizing just how futile that would be. So, he tried to talk his way out of it. “Uh, good toxifovos—”

An angry hiss-growl erupted from the iridescent death monster.

“Ahh, I forgot. It is poison kitty, yes? PK?” the nervous trash goblin amended quickly. That one sounded like it had hurt him to say.

The cat just glared, growling under his breath, and revealing those rows of razor sharp teeth. I’d seen them cut through poo-crete. It was crazy.

Seriously, nothing else seemed to damage it.

Fang suddenly swallowed hard and squared his thin, scaly shoulders.

“If my vessel will die anyway, it will not end like this. I will at least tell you the truth before you kill me,” Fang hissed, stabbing a claw at PK. “I think you are a silly cat. You have all this power yet you do nothing with it – chase monkeys and build stupid houses. I would level cities and steal all their sweet loot.”

Fang was making his hoarding face again – his eyes huge and glowing, teeth bared, shoulders hunched forward while he made these little swiping motions with his hands.

He used to do that all the time back in the hell sewer.

“Or eat a few species to extinction,” Lili added thoughtfully. “You know, he sort of has a point when you think about it.”

The babies popped their heads over the ledge of the wagon and offered a few squeaks. I was guessing they also agreed. Geez. My family was super judgmental.

“Also, I think Nyx could do better, which is saying a lot,” Fang snapped.

That seemed to be the last straw for PK.

His eyes turned a bright green and his growl deepened, his spines lifting – all of them. Despite his impressive speed, Fang didn’t have time to react. PK’s spines began to vibrate, he crouched, and then launched forward in a blur of movement, his teeth bared.

In that fraction of a second, Fang glanced toward me—

There was nothing I could do; no way I could move fast enough to help him – even if I’d wanted to, even if he’d deserved it… which he didn’t.

Those fangs loomed close, only inches away—

Then they snapped shut with a click and a crunch, dust billowing in a huge cloud.

And as the dust spiraled away…

Fang was still standing there, trembling uncontrollably. PK had bitten Fang’s ring – the one he’d received back in the gate. Just enough force to puncture the metal with several teeth without snagging Fang’s scales. The puzzled trash goblin looked at his hand, blinked… then tried to form words.

“What are you—”

Poison kitty pulled off Fang’s ring in a lightning-fast movement.

One that left the savran muttering, “Hey, no! Bad kitty! That’s my treasure—”

He cut off as PK turned and glared, a low growl rumbling in the back of its throat and a thousand spines standing on end. Fang froze.

The cat’s eyes flared green and energy swelled where it held the ring in its mouth, a poisonous mist flaring out around it. That glow suffused the ring and seemed to seep into the metal until it shone with a blinding emerald light. Moments later, it dropped the ring at Fang’s feet, looked him in the eye – then at me – then took off for the forest without another word, vanishing in mere moments.

Silence hovered across the muddy wasteland.

For my part, I was still trying to figure out how to access, err, “little me” without causing excruciating burns. I was a little jealous of Fang. It looked like he hadn’t had any trouble going to bathroom. Or maybe he was just extra misty at the moment.

“What was that all about?” I muttered with a frustrated sigh – giving up. The intense “groinal burning sensation” would have to be a future-me problem. I could probably hold it for a long time anyway. “What did it do with the ring?”

Huh, I felt something sharp prick the back of my neck. I reached back and felt along the length of something familiar – one of the cat’s spines. Just a quick jerk and I pulled it out. Woah, little dizzy. PK always had the best toxins.

Except, my new best friend was already gone…

Also, he’d never do that to me.

Well… except if he was giving me another onesie.

Anyway, that’s not the point. We all know it was Fang.

I turned, slowly. “What was that, Fang?”

He was wearing that ring, green energy flaring, more of those spines materializing beside him. “Testing my new equipment,” he countered, his eyes flashing and his lips peeled back in a feral grin. “Didn’t you say shopping was important on a road trip?”

Oh, that bastard. He always knew just what to say…

Also, I was sort of into it. I mean, I needed to test my new battle onesie, right?

And as the hood and gloves settled into a place with a tingling burn, I realized something wonderful. Those spines he was shooting at me couldn’t do shit.

In fact… it almost felt like maybe—maybe Fang was the one stalling now.

I know it sounds crazy, but hear me out…

The Trash Goblin was clearly nervous about whatever was north of us. This party place or whatever, right? And why had he been so slow in the forest? Was it really a lack of stamina – or did he just want me to think that was it? Plus, he had no chance of beating me because PK had just given me fresh refill of kick-ass, so what was this?

Although, counterpoint, Fang looked pretty damn confident.

Was I missing something?

“Where are our nimbus gems?” Lili snapped.

Fang’s smile widened as I met his eyes, his claws wrapped around a familiar and yet much, much smaller bag of nimbus gems. It seemed it had been a trick all along.

The slow finish. The huffing and puffing. The constant complaining and wailing across days and possibly even weeks. The shivering and trembling and hiding in the wagon while I was being burned alive.

This was my fault. I’d gotten complacent. Started to think he wasn’t a threat.

Yet he’d been faking it the whole time – had just let me think I was getting to him.

All so he could steal the family jewels for himself.

Or, wait… could he still be stalling? Even now?

Two things could be true at the same time, right?

“Who cares? Get our gems back!” Lili insisted.

Ahh, whatever. She was right. Besides, I was just stalling too—

Long enough for my babies to fire a fruit cannon right up his scaly ass – one that exploded into a thick cloud of glowing emerald and sent Fang reeling and coughing.

A quick respawn and my babies were suddenly standing beside me and handing me my own bamboomer – this one of my own, special design. Eight rotating barrels. Stationary turret mount. My babies trained to reload in sequence and an ample supply of poison fruit waiting at the ready.

I called this one the Fruit Cocktail.

Which was pointed at Fang as he emerged from the cloud, unharmed but hacking and coughing. Also, twitching slightly. That would be the poison.

Then he saw me and the look in his eyes was glorious.

They were like twin, yellow moons.

And all I saw staring back was [Friendship].

You know what? Who cares what his motive was?

This was the perfect way to end our road trip.