Chapter 41 - Hostile Takeover
There we were.
Just two bromantic partners facing off in a brand new battlefield.
One without blood or pitch or bamboo or monkey shit or even traditional weapons. Because our audience – our future customers – had made us leave them all at the door – everything except my arm chain. Mostly because it was welded to my arm.
One with only spinny chairs and an ornate conference table and steaming refreshments and stacks of parchment piled high with cold, hard facts. Except I didn’t have any paperwork. Only Fang did. And there was so much. Like multiple stacks, neatly organized and labeled with meticulous sticky notes.
The ones made out of sheets of bamboo. When had he had time to do that?
Also, wasn’t that both awesome and horribly dangerous?
No, no that wasn’t what was important. I needed to focus.
This time, our negotiation had an audience. Specifically, a judgmental and extremely dangerous gold-ranked nepotism hire and my brother-in-thickness. A panel of judges – one evaluating each of our pitches – our alternative visions for Apati. We would need to keep things constrained. Mature. Professional.
“Each employee only gets one vote,” I told Fang calmly – my opening salvo. “Even with your shares, you can’t just push through anything you want.”
I should know. I’d made the rules air-fucking-tight—
“Then it is good that I have the votes,” Fang replied easily, waving a dismissive claw. “The same employees that decided to sign up with the company through me – that gave me all of these many, many shares.” He set down another stack of papers. “I am authorized to vote on their behalf. A proxy vote.” He was smiling now with way too many teeth.
Wait? What? What the hell, that was… that was brilliant.
Yet there were other questions, like—
“Who would even agree to that—”
I cut off as the realization hit me.
“The engineers? Really?” I demanded.
“They are employees,” Fang snapped back.
He didn’t even have the grace to look ashamed after how he’d locked them all in the tunnels under Apati and pretended they didn’t exist – had even told people that they were all tragically dead. He just kept smiling.
Yeah, this so who I was dealing with. A cold-blooded sadist. A corporate killer.
“They also see me as a hero,” Fang continued, pulling out a pair of glasses and wiping them clean before settling them on the bridge of his snout. He looked fucking great – all a part of his strategy, no doubt. “A legend. They show me respect.”
“And their makeup tutorials?” I offered, earning a wince from the suddenly fashionable trash goblin. No wonder he’d started dressing better lately – his brothers and uncles had probably been helping him! Although, I did think his suit looked good on him – I’d even complimented him! “You think I’ll let this stand—”
“What are you going to do? Threaten me? Blackmail me? Use our babies against me? It won’t work. Not this time. Not with this esteemed gentle-elf here.”
Oh, that son of a steaming hot broodmother…
I wasn’t even sure whether to be angry or impressed right now.
Although, this is exactly why you shouldn’t help your bromate get clean. He’d likely use that newfound mental clarity to secretly step up his hygiene game, study the company bylaws in depth, and learn complex business and accounting rules in order to cheat you out of the business that your estranged conman father left to you – his second favorite.
“What… what is going on right now?” Peri demanded, his rigid brow crinkled in confusion. Lipos was just watching with keen interest, already on his fourth helping of burgers. My babies were under instructions to keep them topped off.
“A hostile takeover,” I answered, my focus still on Fang – on the bromantic partner that was stabbing me in the back right now. “The question is why. Why, Fang? After everything I’ve done for you. After I’ve saved your life countless lives. Given you children.”
Peri’s eyes went wide at that one and he looked at Lipos who just shook his head.
None of that was lost on Fang, who looked extremely uncomfortable.
“Why?” he echoed, losing his cool slightly, glaring and hiss-sputtering. “You really ask me this? I never wanted to come here! I told you we needed to avoid this place so many times. That it was dangerous. That we would die gruesomely. I tried to reason with you. Begged and pleaded. But do you listen? No! Never! You insist on coming here. Make me drive that—that tricycle. Then you embarrass me in front of my family with this crazy bromance—
“You mean our relationship?” I insisted. “And I’m sorry for caring about you! About wanting to meet the people in your life. To meet your family.”
“Just like this! You say this crazy nonsense. Giving away all the shares in the company was the last straw – all of that nimbus just there for the snorting. And you give it all away! For what? To get revenge against a dead man?”
“We both know Tom’s still alive! Maybe…”
“And how does trying to mate with my mother factor into that plan?”
Lipos snorted, partially inhaling a burger. “Woah… he did what?”
Oh, that was a low blow. He knew we shared something special.
“Yes, he makes all these comments about my mother. About how she is a steam show. How he wishes to lick the sweat off her scales. How he’d love to let her pry open his onesie—”
“That’s completely out of context!” I shot back. “He’s not telling the whole story. We’ve already slept together! Or, well, I did. She’s also the sexiest lizard woman alive. That’s not just me – not just subjective. It’s a fact. Ask him how many siblings he has. Her body count is enormous. That’s just math.”
“Is your mother really that attractive?” Lipos asked.
Fang hedged, cocking his head. “How am I supposed to answer that—"
“What difference does any of this make—” Peri tried to intervene.
“Plus, he told me she was dead – that his whole family was dead. Dead!” I continued, stabbing a finger at Fang. “But they aren’t. They’re all very much alive and living here. He introduced me to them as his pet, can you believe that? After we shared five cycles inside of a corrupted gate – after we built a home. A life. A family together.”
“Well…” Lipos hedged, cocking his head. “As for the pet thing? I kind of get it. Sapiens are very weak. Although, I may be biased. I’m actually in a unique position to appreciate Fang’s family issues and reading between the lines, it sounds like his parents don’t believe in his lifestyle. Mine don’t either. It’s created a lot tension with the pod. Maybe Fang was feeling insecure and embarrassed. Maybe he wasn’t ready to reveal that side of himself to his family yet. Have you considered that maybe you forced the issue in a very public and embarrassing way without considering his feelings?”
Wow. Damn. Alright.
I didn’t know how to answer that question. I mean, I was pretty sure Fang didn’t have feelings, but I could be wrong there. However, I did know one thing for certain. Lipos really was my brother-in-thickness…
Because that shit was deep.
“Sure, but then I only agreed to do this whole remodeling project to save his family – completely at my own expense by the way! And this is how he thanks me? By ruining my first business conference ever? By trying to take over my company?”
“It is not your company! That is the problem,” Fang hissed.
“Enough!” Peri snapped, water cascading through the room and his eyes aglow. Those globes condensed down into blades that hovered at our necks, vibrating like a watersaw. He did it so fast, none of us could react. Apparently, royal vessels were no joke.
We both froze, neither of us moving an inch – just glaring at each other.
Like I said, we’d managed to keep it completely professional.
“If you are indeed the majority shareholder, what is your plan for settling the debt?” Peri insisted, looking at Fang. I tried to speak up, but the blades pressed closer. My babies shifted in the background, bamboomers peaking out from under their robes – but I just shook my head slowly, Fang’s smile widening in delight.
“We wish to sell it for parts. Dismantle the buildings. Take the vessels – the other shareholders,” Fang said simply. “There should be enough to settle the debt.”
“You can’t know that—” I began.
Only for Fang to smack down another stack of papers and slide them toward Peri. “The financials. The company balance sheet. As you can see, tearing down the buildings would provide plenty of raw metal, which will catch a fair price back in Asphodel. The machinery can also be repurposed. And the vessels will make exceptional slaves – you can use them in your canning operations in the north.”
Where had he learned out how to—
Cole was slinking back into his seat, looking everywhere but at me.
“Cole, you taught him this?” I hissed.
“I didn’t have any choice. He threatened to murder me,” the elf whispered back.
Wow. Just… wow. First Lili had bailed on me and now this. Seriously, Fang had put so much effort into this – way more than he ever had before. It was pretty incredible.
Wait… no I wasn’t impressed! I was pissed. Uh, right?
“You would sell your sisters into slavery?” I demanded.
“Better that than your crazy plan,” Fang shot back.
“Hmm, he’s right. It’s enough to recoup the debt,” Peri offered, skimming the papers. “We could deconstruct everything and use the personnel here to transport it back through a gate. It’s not a terrible plan. One I was already considering…”
That traitorous trash goblin’s eyes were practically glowing.
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“But it doesn’t cover the loss of the ship. Or the death of all of those many, many vessels. It would take ages to replace them, wouldn’t it?” I spoke up, drawing Peri’s attention. “I’m sure your contract with Lipos here entitles him to some compensation.”
“Indeed, it does,” my brother-in-thickness replied, saluting me with his mug.
“Or you could kill them all,” Fang offered. “No witnesses, no problem.”
Peri actually seemed to be considering that proposal and Fang’s smile only widened as the water blades pressed closer to my brother-in-thickness.
Yet Lupis just looked bored. “Sure, but the pod will still notice one of our ships has gone missing and our pod also has an ongoing contract with your Order unless you’ve forgotten. Without us, who is going to produce sea-dragon meat for your canning operation? Especially since there’s no silverfin. In fact, a new food source would be a boon given the scarcity in Asphodel right now…”
Fang’s confidence faltered, his claws making this murder scratch thing he always does when he gets nervous or angry or wants to kill me.
Yeah, that’s right. I could still win this – I had to.
“But why, though?” Lili spoke up. “We could just… you know, leave.”
Well, Fang’s family? But also maybe my pride? Okay, fine… that was a lie.
It was simpler than that. More basic. I could tell Fang was still hiding something. I just knew there was another surprise waiting for me here – that the party wasn’t over. It was going to be something juicy and terrible and probably emotionally devastating. I mean, you see how much effort Fang has put into this. There has to be a reason.
And it’s going to be amazing – I just know it.
Peri sighed, his waters retreating from Lipos as he took another bite and washed it down with a mouthful of friendship. Then those cold, calculating elf eyes shifted to me. “So, we heard from this scaly one. Now, what are you suggesting?”
“Something different,” I offered with my best smile.
Ahh, he was frowning. Never mind, too much smile.
“We have figured out a way to mass produce the blood fruit.”
Oh, yes. I had him now. He was going to love this—
“That’s impossible,” the elf answered around another bite of burger.
“Uh, which part?”
“All of it?” the elf replied… like I was stupid. “The blood fruit only grows in high concentration nimbus regions. And that’s ignoring the transportation problem. We’re a long, long way from Asphodel. Gates are too expensive or I wouldn’t have made this insufferable voyage by boat, Cocytus is clearly infested with sea serpents, and the bamboo is a menace. Perhaps you wouldn’t know this out here in the reaches, but that bamboo is typically eradicated as soon as it’s discovered, otherwise it will destroy whole towns. The fact that this place isn’t buried already is a testament to the perseverance of the vessels living here.”
The elf pointed at Fang. “Which means, they’d make great slaves.”
My bromantic partner’s grin just widened a bit further.
Seriously, he was just showing off.
Also, wow. Okay. That was all news to me.
The blood fruit only grew in the north? AND there was no other bamboo?
Then I froze as a sudden realization struck me. Like a broken bone snapping back into position – a brief flash of pain and then my mind was off, sprinting across the bleak, vacant, fractured landscape of my consciousness. Pursuing the perfect plan.
When the universe gives you shit – specifically, flaming monkey crap that builds beautiful highways and blood grove fields – you know what you should do?
That’s right, monopolize it. Claw and scrape and harvest your way straight to the asshole and set up camp, until only you control the Flow.
And lucky me… I was the asshole. A budding genius.
“Do you even hear yourself right now?” Lili demanded.
I ignored her. She was a traitor. She’d picked her team – the losing one.
Even Fang knew it – realization suddenly dawning in his glowing snake eyes.
“Except, what if it isn’t? Impossible, I mean,” I answered, my smile widening. “In fact, you’re drinking fresh grown blood fruit – cultivated right here in the Outer Reaches.”
The elf froze, staring at his mug, his brow furrowed. “No, it can’t—”
“You’re a Guide, right? You can sense nimbus?” I demanded. “Test it.”
His brow furrowed. Then water enveloped the drink, the contents lifting from the mug until they hung in the air, the moisture compressing and condensing and filtering the other materials until there was only a glowing red sphere.
“Wow,” Peri murmured, registering as much surprise as his kind could muster. “You weren’t lying. And this is so pure. Only the fields outside Asphodel have this much nimbus and the Order of Dionysus controls them with an iron fist. This… this is incredible.”
Then his eyes narrowed. “Some trick? Bringing in fruit from the north?”
“How?” I demanded. “You saw the bay – the sea serpents. And we haven’t built the highway to the north yet. So how would I accomplish that?”
“A gate?” Fang snapped, growing desperate. “You could have used a gate!”
I glared at him. “Me? The rationally-challenged sapien? Your pet? Which is it, Fang? Am I an incompetent, weak, idiot? Or an all-powerful, genius, mastermind capable of opening gates by myself, hmm?”
He just crossed his arms and gave me a one-word answer. “Yes.”
Wait, was that a compliment? Sort of? I mean, indirectly, right?
“If you’re telling the truth, this could be worth a fortune. Several even,” Peri murmured, ignoring us both while Lipos just looked back and forth between me and Fang with keen interest. “If we only had a way to ship it north…”
My smile widened further. Seriously, it hurt so bad.
“Ahh, funny you should mention that. What if I told you we had a way to harvest, repurpose, and prevent the bamboo from spreading?” I asked.
“Then I’d say you were a liar,” the elf answered easily.
“But I can prove it!” I insisted. “See?” I demanded, pivoting in my spinny chair – the one I’d built for just this situation – and pointed out the windows to the south.
With a gesture, my babies hauled at the ropes along the nearby wall, peeling back the protective metal paneling that kept the glare off the southern side of my tower. Seriously, the sun above the steam could get pretty intense. And in the distance was our new retaining wall – our blood grove fields a writhing, bloody mound of fresh, throbbing, future produce.
Peri and Lipos were staring in shock.
And Fang was sweating buckets.
“He has only produced one small crop – not proof he can bring it up to scale. And creating a highway to the north would take many cycles,” Fang insisted quickly. “Imagine the cost. And it would not stop even if he manages to escape the forest. There are still other towns. Other creatures. Other dangers to those vulnerable caravans.”
All great arguments. Unfortunately, they weren’t landing very hard.
Probably because I’d used the opportunity with Fang’s sisters to perfect my proprietary blend of special herbs and spices, which, of course, I’d applied liberally to our guests’ meal. It didn’t affect me much – barely at all really.
However, Peri was rubbing at his eyes, the tension draining from his shoulders. He looked so much more relaxed than when we started, his brow furrowed in concentration as he leaned back in his chair and mulled on my perfect plan – the ghost of a grin on his face.
Fang had noticed too, more mist coating his scales. Which was just perfect.
“He does make fair points,” the elf acknowledged, nodding at Fang. “The Order could use additional funds and materials now – not cycles from now…”
“Yet the future profits would be overwhelming – would more than compensate for the cost,” I urged. “Just imagine having your own monopoly on the blood fruit.”
I could tell Peri was imagining it, his eyes gleaming.
Silence reigned momentarily as he weighed the options.
“There’s also the graven grounds,” Lipos suggested into that vacuum.
“Ahh, yes, you’re right,” Peri murmured, shaking his head slightly, as though surprised he’d forgotten such an obvious detail.
Which wasn’t obvious to me at all. Graven grounds? Where? What?
“Uh, what are you—” I began.
“It is too dangerous,” Fang interjected quickly, rising from his chair. “Are you mad? Hundreds of Guides have died attempting to master the forge.”
“Luckily, we brought plenty – even with our losses,” Peri offered with a shrug. “The forge was always our target. It was safe to assume that that asshole Tom wouldn’t be able to make the debt payment. So, we have to recover our investment and the cost of this expedition somehow. Why not claim the Hellforge for ourselves?”
Hmm, is it just me, or does a Hellforge sound a lot like an ancient forge? Like the one that Tom was talking about – the one he’d told Leandra specifically not to mention to me? The one that none of Fang’s family seemed to know about? The one he’d insisted didn’t exist? The one that even now had him sweating buckets of mist as he stood there avoiding my gaze? I was being literal this time. The babies set the buckets beside him.
We’d just redone the floor to my tower, after all.
Was that what all of this was about? This attempt to take over my company?
I told you Fang was trying to hide something! Like this incredibly dangerous corrupted gate just waiting for the murder-pillage…
“Oh. My. Gods. That traitorous, cold-blooded son of a steam show was trying to cheat me out of a veritable mountain of nimbus,” Lili muttered. “Nevermind, I’m switching teams again. Team Nyx, all the way!”
I always knew she’d come around.
“Uh, what forge?” I asked innocently, raising my hand.
“The one under Apati?” Lipos offered, looking between me and Fang in confusion. “The one that’s been there for decades? It’s called the Hellforge. Rumor has it that any Guide that conquers the gate can control the forge itself – can create technological marvels. With such a weapon at our disposal, we could recover our losses many times over.”
Wait, it could do what now?
Suddenly, I was glaring at my bromantic partner.
“If you can conquer it,” Fang insisted, growing frantic and side-eyeing me nervously – maybe because my [Shadow Aura] was eating part of the floor. “No one has managed it.”
Peri scoffed. “Young vessels forget so easily. Others have succeeded. It was the gate that originally formed this town, at least if the stories are to be believed. We also came prepared – were given the advice from the Oracles themselves. They were the ones that told us to make this trip – that told us how to open and conquer the gate. We even brought a specialized group of Guides accustomed to dealing with a domain-type gate.”
This. Sounded. Amazing.
I wanted to go so bad. I mean, you heard him!
They even brought tour-guides. This was perfect.
That meant I probably didn’t even need to do anything. Just follow them around and take in the sights and devour an ocean of free nimbus.
I mean, I’d been thinking lately that our family vacation had turned into a lot of work – mostly for me. I hadn’t gotten to do any [Therapy] in ages and Lili was right… it had been a long, long time since we’d murder-pillaged together. I owed her that. This was supposed to be her vacation too. Plus, you know, Fang really didn’t want me to go.
Which meant it was probably awesome.
“And when all those Guides die?” Fang demanded, getting desperate. “What then? You will only have more losses to add to the pile.” He topped that off by waving at the mothership still smoldering in the bay.
Peri just arched a brow. “Good thing we contracted that out too. As I said, this was a low-budget undertaking. We outsourced much of the risk.”
“And with our help, you could outsource even more,” I offered, snaking an arm around my traitorous, scaly bromate. He flinched but couldn’t run. Not here. Not now. “We would be more than happy to help. Consider it a show of good faith. You will have the full support of our company and its employees.”
“You mean, my company,” Fang snapped. “I still control 50%.”
Peri was about to speak up, his eyes glowing and those water orbs forming again, but I cut him off. “Don’t worry, I have this,” I said. Plus, again, we just re-did the floors.
“Ahh, right… about your newfound share ownership,” I said, turning back to Fang. “You know, I just realized with all this debt talk, don’t you still owe me?”
A debt. One written in his little journal. One counted in ventu. One I’d more than paid off back in the hell sewer by selling him all my incredibly valuable equipment. In fact, he now owed me. 17,000 ventu corpses. More than enough to cover the share ownership of a company saddled with a ton of debt and no income.
“That’s not—” Fang began, patting at his suit.
His scaly eyes went wide as I pulled out that journal, waving it in front of him. “Are you looking for this?” I demanded. He’d had to remove his old clothes and that suspicious bag – placing them in the hallway… where my babies could get to it.
They were already eating their snacks as they watched with glowing red eyes beneath those dark cowls. My perfect, sweet angels.
And, in that moment, Fang knew he’d lost.
“As I said, you will have the full support of our company and its employees,” I repeated. “Isn’t that right, Fang?”
“We are all going to die,” he muttered.
“What was that, Fang?”
“Yes… yes, you have our support.”
Peri just stared at us skeptically. “That’s nice and all, but that isn’t necessary—”
“Yes. See? They plan to open the gate and deal with it themselves!” Fang hissed, perking up, sudden hope returning to his eyes.
Then the elf seemed to consider something, locking eyes with Lipos, the two sharing some unspoken communication. “Ahh, but on second thought, we suffered many losses – more than expected. Perhaps your people could help.”
“Perfect,” I replied with a broad grin as Fang’s smiled melted away once again – his hope crushed anew. “Where do we sign up?”
“Um, well… that is we should only take those strong enough to protect themselves,” the elf amended, eyeing me up and down skeptically. “Those who plan to accompany the guides will need to be tested. You have a guidepost here in Apati, no? A way to connect to the Flow and check your status? Anyone above bronze rank should be suitable.”
I froze, my heart hammering. We had a what now?
“Do we… do we have something like that, Fang?” I said, holding my bromate so super tight – enough that I felt the bones in his shoulder crunch. I could feel him trembling.
He saw the others watching, could feel his impending defeat pressing in on him, and there was no escape. No way to claw his way out of the hole he’d dug for himself. It was in the way Peri stared at his beverage, savoring the sweet, fruity, and slightly coppery tang of friendship. In the way Lupis was devouring his fifth plate of demon monkey sliders even as my babies watched, blood-red eyes peering from beneath their hoods.
Then he finally accepted it, the tension draining from his scaly body.
“Yes… yes we do,” Fang admitted.
And with that, I felt the familiar swell of pure victory.
This day couldn’t possibly get any better.
Not only had my plan come together perfectly, not only had I made a bargain with our new friends and business partners – who seemed completely trustworthy – but I got to go on a tour of the Hellforge and finally check my status! To see what those skill gems I’d swallowed and Lili had eaten had done to my poor, broken vessel. To check on the likely insane stats of my new battle onesie. But those were just perks.
Because, I also had a feeling I was going to learn more about my bromantic partner – pry his precious, tantalizing secrets from his cold, dead claws.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that my first business meeting went great.
I’d even say it was an overwhelming success.