Chapter 12 - Cruise Control
We were finally ready!
Sure, it had taken a few days. But you couldn’t rush pure genius.
Well, I mean, you could, technically. And Fang had certainly tried – something about Horus and Eris and our gruesome deaths or whatever.
For some reason, I wasn’t that worried, though.
Another feeling. Lili agreed too.
Besides, there was important work to do. Crucial really.
Like it took a while to prepare for our road trip. And then there were the completely necessary upgrades to our Death Wagon. It was important to learn to iterate – to strive for constant and relentless self-improvement that bordered on masochism. And if, in the process, you created a rolling, armored death-fortress and utterly annihilated the local flora and fauna… well, that was just collateral damage.
Or creativity fuel, as I liked to call it.
Anyway, first we coated the whole wagon in a super thick layer of poo-crete. I mean, Fang had eaten quite a bit of the original wooden frame. Seriously, he had a problem. Past tense, of course. Because he was clean now. Mostly.
It was just awesome. I loved it. Really.
It didn’t bother me at all that I couldn’t blackmail him into divulging his precious secrets. Not. At. All. That just gave me more time to work on my wagon.
Speaking of which, I also built a canopy out of more poo-crete and a protective ledge over the tracks. The bamboo tubes really helped with the framing. Except… the walls let out a muted moan when you touched them now. It was weird, but you got used to it after a while. Plus, it could double as an alarm system if someone tried to steal my wagon! Which was a concern for obvious reasons.
I mean, I still planned to steal Emporos’ ride.
Oh, and I also made a sort of, well… plow? It was attached to the front and mounted just below the skeletal, mostly-rotten kraell head. That was to help with the debris and obstacles. Stuff like the screaming bamboo. Also, it dipped a few inches into the soil to help rip it out by the root system. You know, since the stalks regrew really fast, shoots spearing up from the ground all around our camp.
Now, I know what you’re probably thinking.
“But Nyx, with all that poo-crete, the wagon must be really heavy – maybe too heavy for even you and your impressive and indomitable strength.”
Which was fair. But you’re forgetting, I already solved that problem. Wee have a new hitchhiker! And there are universal rules of hitchhiking. You know, to pay for the ride, of course. Everyone knows that—
Why are you looking at me that way? Have you really never heard of this?
Oh c’mon, it even rhymes! Grass, gas, or kick-ass?
Huh, well maybe it’s just me. Anyway, we chose gas. Also, kick-ass. I mean, we already had plenty of bamboo. That’s sort of like thick grass, right? And there was nothing that said we could only choose one. I don’t make up the rules here.
“Are you sure about that?” Lili asked.
Yup. 100%. I just enforce them with militant precision.
But since the Poison Kitty was out of gas and our wagon didn’t really have a steering system or brakes or any suspension or even an engine, we had to improvise.
Specifically, I reconfigured the harness.
Now the Poison Kitty was just lashed to the wagon by twin shadow chains. And just in case you forgot somehow – which happens to the best of us – that means it doubled its pulling strength. I was hoping it was going to be enough. I mean, he looked pretty skinny.
What? What was that? Why was Poison Kitty okay pulling the wagon?
Funny you should ask! You see, during out staring contest, well…
I felt like we connected.
Over those hours and days staring into each other’s eyes, we became more than simple competitors brought together by fate and family. Poison Kitty acknowledged me. Disgust and curiosity and amusement slowly turned to respect. Personally, I think he saw something in me he recognized – and me in him. In those lovely, glowing, green eyes, I saw a pain and frustration and barely suppressed rage oh-so-similar to my own. A kindred spirit.
I guess what I’m saying is that the eyes are the window to the soul.
“And by that you mean you got bored sitting there,” Lili added wearily. “Then you made a bunch of shit up in your head like you always do.”
Uh, no! We connected. It happened.
Okay, fine… I might have gotten a little bored. It was just the two of us sitting there for a really long time, day and night, surrounded by monkey corpses. Which got me thinking. Why was the Poison Kitty here? I mean, it didn’t attack us – just the monkeys, right? Which implied what? That it was hunting them maybe?
Then I noticed in my peripheral vision that Poison Kitty’s other two sets of eyes were sometimes glaring at the monkeys – watching them as they twitched on the ground. If the poison wore off, the kitty would launch another spike. Like it was trying to keep them incapacitated? I mean, if it wanted to kill them, it could have, right? It just needed to aim the spines at the head or neck or heart or poo-crete sack.
Instead, the kitty was keeping them alive. But why?
Now, I know what you’re probably thinking.
“Maybe the Poison Kitty is a vegetarian.”
I thought the same thing. But then I made him the demon monkey burgers!
And he ate them! Yeah, that whole thing with the handholding – that was an experiment. The handholding was, uh… totally part of it.
Why are you looking at me like that? Like you don’t trust me? Tell them Lili!
“He… he actually did plan that. Sort of,” she offered in a stunned voice.
And then. “How did I not notice this?” she muttered to herself.
Like I said before, genius over here.
Anyway, we could rule out vegetarian now.
Which left only one other plausible explanation.
It must be about revenge.
“Gods damn it, not this again,” Lili groaned.
Hey, it makes sense, though! Like the kitty was clearly hunting the monkeys. And then it incapacitated them – but kept them alive. Also, it never eats the live, uncooked ones – only my sliders. Possibly because my cooking was just that amazing. And wasn’t Poison Kitty the one that stacked all the monkeys in a big moaning, twitchy pile?
Why else except to take them back to his lair and torture the shit out them?
Possibly literally. The poo-crete was super useful.
“That is so stupid,” Lili muttered. “What sort of threat could these monkeys possibly pose to that monster?”
Huh, I guess she was right about that.
We had means and opportunity, but the motive was still muddy.
Maybe the demon monkeys had coated Poison Kitty’s mate in poo-crete in her sleep and entombed her in a mausoleum of cured monkey shit? Or him? Who was I to judge the relationship between feral, poisonous kittys covered in metallic, poison-etched spines? Or maybe the monkeys had killed its babies?
Either way, it didn’t matter. Mostly because I was totally right. I mean, the kitty had been pretty enthusiastic after I explained the plan.
“You just stuck the harness on its back while yelling at it to hold still,” Lili observed. “It stabbed you so many times. That doesn’t count as explaining.”
Those were, uh, love stabs. I should know. Fang gave me lots—
“I also think it is revenge,” Fang hissed.
See! Also, I must have been talking out loud…
“Yeah, right. He’s just trying to suck up to you,” Lili snapped. “To distract you so we can’t uncover his deep, dark secrets. You shouldn’t fall for it—”
She was probably right, but a guy could dream…
“You do?” I asked Fang. Wow, my face hurt.
Oh, I was smiling again. By accident this time.
I also felt my forehead itch and Fang glared at it. I really hoped it wasn’t a penis. Then those glowing yellow eyes refocused on my face.
"Yes, it is definitely revenge. Possibly also your sash. It is quite… fetching.”
Hmm. Okay, I could hear it now. That sounded suspicious as rainbow wreckage.
“Perhaps you could even reconsider our seating arrangements—”
“Nope, not happening. Not unless you want to tell me your secrets.”
“Ha! Serves you right!” Lili snapped. My right hand might have made an obscene gesture, Maribel clamping down on those traitorous fingers.
“Fine, then there is no point pretending,” Fang hissed, his eyes squashing flat in an instant. “Your idea is stupid. Also, your sash is ugly. The wagon is too heavy – totally impractical. I am glad I don’t have a seat. I will be safer walking.”
Uh, what was that? What was he talking about?
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Well, uh, I might have also reconfigured the interior of the Death Wagon. Gone was Fang’s throne of slightly damp and still-bloody ratskin bags – those were now stored behind a poo-crete partition. I’d built a separate containment cell for the demon monkeys made out of more thick bars of poo-crete covered bamboo. It was then lined with Poison Kitty’s spines – all facing inward. Then I made a driver’s seat right up front with a decent view. In short, we’d solved the primary problem that had caused us to crash.
Specifically, the backseat driving.
My fix was to remove the backseat. I know, brilliant right?
Which meant Fang had to walk! But who cares? He was fast, right?
“And you would do this to the babies too? Make them walk?” Fang demanded. “Is this how a good [Battle Daddy] would treat them?”
“Squeak, squeak, squeak.”
Woah, they were soooo cute. My babies were all crouched around Fang, pawing at his scaly arms, their saucer-like eyes super wide and a beautiful blood-red. They squeaked plaintively as they stared up at me.
“See? Maybe they will stop loving you for this. Maybe they will finally come to accept me as the new [Battle Daddy]—”
“You deserve so many treats!” I interrupted, throwing them some demon monkey sliders. They quickly snatched them from the air and devoured them ravenously all while Fang looked on with wide eyes. “You remember the rules, right? If you follow daddy’s orders and help him steer, he’ll give you more treats.”
“No, do not listen. This is just more blackmail,” Fang hissed at the babies.
They all looked at him – alone, cold, glaring from the mists.
Then they looked at me – sitting atop my armored death fortress next to a pile of still-steaming demon monkey sliders, a domesticated poison kitty tethered to the wagon nearby and scratching in irritation at his harness. I slowly patted the seat beside me…
The babies all abruptly fled Fang, scurrying up the side of the wagon.
The impotent trash goblin could only glare. “Little traitors. I shall not forget.”
“Anything else?” I asked him sweetly. “Maybe you want to divulge all of your dark secrets? Hand over that strange bag on your back full of corpses… skeletons… or, uh, flowers?” He wasn’t reacting at all. Shit. “Anyway, it looks pretty heavy and you’re going to be doing a lot of walking. Like a lot of walking. Are you sure you want to carry it?”
His glowing eyes met mine – just two bromates in a stare off.
He must have forgotten about the sash, though.
My point is that he lost.
“No! The answer is still no!” Fang snapped a few minutes later, his expression sullen. “This plan will kill us all. You should end it now. Just eat me.”
Wow. He was so dramatic. I would never eat my co-parent!
No idea where he even got such a ridiculous idea…
“I mean, if he’s offering, though,” Lili murmured. “Girl’s gotta eat.”
My [Shadow Aura] might have nibbled on him slightly before I stopped her.
“Sorry, I couldn’t possibly do that to my bromate,” I told him.
Fang just snorted. “That is not true, you nibble on me so often—
“Ahh, ahh, ahh. Do you remember the rules?” I asked.
His jaw snapped shut. Then a reluctant “yes.”
“Want to say them back to me just to make sure?” I asked sweetly.
“Every time I complain or scream—”
“Like a little, sapian girl,” I interjected.
He winced, but continued. “Every time I scream or complain, I lose a gem. If I keep working, you will give me gems.”
Fang shook his head. “This makes no sense, though. What if you get distracted or lose count? Or do you simply plan to trust me…” he trailed off menacingly, mist coiling around him and obscuring everything but his glowing snake eyes and toothy-grin.
I was unimpressed.
“Maribel is the judge. She’ll keep an eye on you. Literally, actually,” I offered, pointing at my left hand – which was waving – and also at my left eye, threads of corruption running through it. We were testing something. Specifically, whether my eyes could operate independently. If they could that would be so awesome, right?
I could win two staring contests at the same time.
Poison Kitty had given me the idea.
Besides, Maribel was really sweet when you got to know her. At least, as long as you weren’t an inferior rodent-like species that needed to be purged with impunity and fire. I guess what I’m saying is that she was fully on board with my plan.
Which meant I could totally trust her. Maybe.
Plus, we still had the mutually assured destruction thing.
Here, you can think of this one as a downpayment,” I said as Maribel tossed him a gem. Fang’s pupils bloomed outward in an instant. The crystal vanished in a puff of mist, followed shortly by the sound of crushing glass and a loud snort.
“Ahh, fine. Are we ready then?” Fang demanded, his eyes brighter now.
That was more like it! I was loving the enthusiasm.
“Actually… yes. I think we are!” I announced.
Oh, uh, by the way, I may have installed a surround-sound system in our new ride – what I was now referring to as the Death Wagon 2.0. The bass wasn’t anything to write home about, but who needed that anyway? Besides, it could hit one hell of a spine-tingling high note. One I was pretty sure could shatter glass.
WAIL, SHRIEK, SQUEAK!
Uh, what was that? Did I install the screaming bamboo pipes near the driver seat – ones that were embedded in the poo-crete. I mean, technically, [Engineering] said this was a type of pipe organ. It had little strings attached to pipes of different lengths – I just picked the widest tubes. You know, to make them louder.
When I pulled it, the effect was like an air-horn – except one that screamed bloody murder in different pitches. The babies loved it. So did Poison Kitty.
I could tell since he just took off running.
Alright, this might also be another situation where my expectations didn’t quite intersect with reality. Although, in my defense, it was because the wagon was a little wider, a little longer, several times heavier, we were trying to travel through a nearly impenetrable forest full of flesh eating bamboo, and Poison Kitty was pulling the wagon all by himself.
I’ll admit, I made some assumptions about my new second-placed friend. Anyone who was that good at staring contests was probably in horrible shape, right? You know, from not moving for days or even weeks at a time? I mean, I should know! I was getting extra thick. Also, didn’t the homing spikes mean Poison Kitty didn’t need to chase down his prey? In my defense, he’d spent most of our relationship sitting or napping, hadn’t he?
So, I was expecting a gradual build-up of speed.
Maybe some light heckling from Fang.
You know, the usual.
Instead, Poison kitty crouched down, tensed his legs – this strange emerald energy winding through the metal spines as they began to vibrate rapidly.
Then we shot off like damn like a damn Ventu.
“Hoooooooooly shiiiiiiiiiit!” I screamed.
Lili was just roaring in my head.
And it was clear why. The plow was causing dirt to plume into the air high overhead as it tore out massive hunks of the bamboo roots system and sent the tubes flying. Meanwhile, Lili’s [Shadow Aura] was draining all that precious nimbus as it swept up in front of us, the energy surging through my body. Oh, wow. That felt great.
It was almost enough to make me forget about Fang’s secrets.
Eating your problems is really the best. I highly recommend it.
And as those tubes flew up into the air, my scaly bromate took care of—
Wait, uh, actually… where was Fang?
I turned to see him racing after the wagon, screaming something I couldn’t hear. Probably because I kept pulling on the cords to my new sound system.
WAIL, SHRIEK, SQUEAK!
My babies really liked the new sound system, apparently. Although, communicating with Fang was going to be a challenge. Luckily, I’d planned ahead.
I grabbed a spare tube and puckered up.
“MAKE A MISTY!” I screamed back at him.
“I will not do it if you use that word—” he shouted backed.
WAIL, SHRIEK, SQUEAK!
Ahh, sorry. My hand slipped.
“I will not do it even if you—”
WAIL, SHRIEK, SQUEAK!
It didn’t really count as complaining if I couldn’t hear him, did it? I mean, he could be saying anything. Like, “Wow, Nyx. This contraption you’ve built is even more amazing than I expected. I’m so proud of you. Also, your sound system rocks and you were right to stop and pick up a hitchhiker. Which means I was wrong. So, very, very wrong. And stupid. And literally green with envy.”
“I can still hear you!” Fang roared.
Ahh. Haha. I guess I was still using the tube. Woops.
Then he just started making obscene gestures. Huh, did that count as complaining?
Maribel sort of tilted my left hand back and forth. I took that as a maybe?
So, another deep breath and then, “DO IT OR NO GEMS!”
Fang seemed to resign himself to his fate after that. He just exploded into a cloud of mist now located behind the wagon – not overtop of it. That’s where we messed up last time. Correction, where he messed up. Anyway, flying blades of mist sliced through the air and carved up the bamboo, which landed in neat stacks atop the wagon canopy. Meanwhile, Maribel routinely grabbed a nimbus gem and hurled it back at Fang every time he started stumbling and lagging behind.
Sure, this might seem cruel and heartless. Possibly even petty.
However, you could also frame this in a positive light.
I mean, Fang was getting fresh air. Exercise. Plus, we had him on a strict diet of nimbus gems. For his own good, of course. To ensure he stayed clean-ish.
Plus, I’d told him so many times that if he didn’t stop complaining, he’d have to walk.
And well… I’m a man of my word. Yeah, this is about integrity.
Anyway, it was smooth plowing from there, our Death Wagon rumbling through a forest of screaming bamboo. Sure, there was no road – no highway. But we built our own. As a family. Okay, fine. It was mostly my babies.
Haven’t you noticed the little chutes on either side of the Death Wagon?
Huh, no? You didn’t? Wow, okay, this was so cool…
So, you know how I noticed that the bamboo didn’t regrow where the poo-crete had cured? You know, back at the gas station?
Oh, yeah. You see it now, right?
We were really building a highway!
Yanking up the bamboo by the roots, chopping up the tubes and storing them neatly on top of the poo-crete canopy – Fang’s clones lashing the bundles down with ropes made of rat sinew – all while my babies squeezed out some poo-crete that ran down those chutes and lined either side of a fresh new path through the Screaming Bamboo Forest. And as the crap cured and expanded, it created a paved roadway.
I called it the Highway to Hell!
Woo! That deserved a yank!
WAIL, SHRIEK, SQUEAK!
Ahh, the babies were just so excited.
Okay, a couple dozen more pulls…
WAIL, SHRIEK, SQUEAK!
WAIL, SHRIEK, SQUEAK!
The more astute among you have probably caught on by now. The highway and the armored death fortress and my perfectly-crafted strategy to wear Fang down until he broke and confessed all of his many dark secrets were just the beginning. Just the opening act. The warm-up to our family road trip. One that was making so much noise…
Oh yeah. That’s right.
I can tell from the horrified looks on your faces that you finally see it—
“Wait, I want to tell them this time!” Lili interjected.
“Alright, fine. You did help come up with it,” I acknowledged.
“Okay, Nyx was right. We needed a travel game! And it was really hard to come up with something where everyone could participate – I mean, some of us don’t even have our own vessel! Also, it needed to be something that Nyx couldn’t ruin by turning it into some sort of existential metaphor for his life. That part was critical. So, I had a thought. The monkeys were attracted to the screaming, right?”
They really were. Even now, the monkeys were scurrying across the tops of the bamboo forest – hundreds of them – all lured by the sound of a modern blended family making memories that would last a lifetime.
Or, at least, I would never forget this moment, dashing through the screaming bamboo forest at a breakneck pace, plumes of dirt, roots, and bamboo rocketing into the sky, all while hundreds of demon monkeys circled round in writhing, leaping, twisting waves.
They weren’t even throwing their poo! They were just staring – probably in awe. Whisked away by the beautiful melody we were making. And I mean that literally. The force of the sound system was enough to stun them as they neared, several losing their footing as they covered their huge ears with their paws. They were probably just overwhelmed by my musical genius.
Honestly, it was almost flattering. Maybe we should take this a step further. We could even start a family band—
Oh shit! The monkeys were starting to recover, poo igniting in a rippling red wave.
Never mind, I might have read that one wrong.
“But we have a solution for all of that shit!” Lili announced in glee.
We did indeed. “Babies!” I called out.
They stopped squeezing out the poo-crete, threw their used up demon monkeys back in the cage – one staying behind to slam the door closed. As for the other two? They leaped off the front of the wagon and dove straight into the tracks even as I whistled for the Poison Kitty to stop – through a tube, of course.
The wagon skidded to a halt and the kitty turned to glare at me—that is, until he noticed the legion of monkeys waiting for him. Then a different expression shone in those emerald depths. One that sang a song of pure vengeance.
“Poison kitty, it’s your turn!” I shouted.
My new best friend and the second-best staring contestant in the screaming bamboo forest took that opportunity to unleash the second phase of our plan. Its spines all stood up on end, glowing green venom leaking from each tip. Then it launched them. All of them. The air was soon filled with the whirring buzz of a few hundred poison needles.
The monkeys tried to run then, but the needles just followed them. They struck the demon monkeys with pinpoint precision. The creatures went rigid and began to fall from the bamboo. Flaming shit and furry bodies and staring eyes tumbling down around us.
Oh, and a lot of mist.
It was… honestly it was—
“Beautiful,” Lili murmured in awe.
She was right. I’d never forget this either.
Oh, why was there so much mist?
Well, each time Fang used [Evasion], he summoned the mist blades to chop up the bamboo, but he also summoned two clones! His doppelgangers then snatched the bodies from the air as they dropped, tossing them into the wagon where my perfect babies respawned – grabbed their slider treats, of course – and then helped stuff the monkeys into the cage.
And as his clones flitted past, I could see it. Fang would never admit it; would deny it to his grave, but I could see that feral gleam in his eyes. He was getting into the game. Sure, I’d had to bribe him with the gems, but loot was still loot.
Even if, this time, it was a few hundred paralyzed demon monkeys.
Also, several tons of bamboo lumber.
Either way, this was best road trip game ever!
Lili calls it Monkey Massacre. What do you think?
Hey, uh, you’re being super quiet. I mean, more quiet than normal anyway. And why are you all looking at me like that? Are you… are some of you laughing?
Oh, I know. You’re probably just in shock.
It’s not every day you see a family come together like this to create pure, unholy magic. Sure, sometimes I shoot for the stars and my aim is off… but this time?
Well, this time, I’m pretty sure we nailed it.