Chapter 44

Apati – Fin-Fan Factory Cafeteria

Nyx

“Welcome to the weekly meeting of the LaWDs and Ladies Official fanclub,” Sssusie announced to horde a horde of savran, all of them crammed into the Fin-Fan cafeteria. “I’m excited to announce that instead of our regular chapter reading and analysis, tonight we have something different planned. A special guest.”

Excited hisses filled the air in a rumbling, rolling, and terrifying crescendo – the acoustics really giving it a sinister vibe. One that wasn’t helped by the fact that they were all staring with those big yellow snake eyes that never blinked. Or that they were all armed, each carrying their sacred tome. A limited edition copy of Love and World Domination.

“Please give a steamy welcome to Nicolas.”

A long pause and then she hissed off stage. “Nicolas?”

I blinked. Blinked again.

Oh! Oh, shit… that was me.

Sorry, I was just distracted for a moment.

I mean, wasn’t I just somewhere else? Like watching a meteor outside that doomhole? Or, uh, maybe destroying the meteor with the force of my sexual tension? You remember that too, right? It can’t just be me. Maybe Lili knows—

“Uh, no. Not really,” she replied quickly. Maybe too quickly.

“You sure?” I asked suspiciously. “I mean, it seemed so real—"

“Almost as real as a horde of savran glaring at you? The same group that’s obsessed with that stupid romance novel? The same group that tried to gut you the last time you mentioned Horus in front of them? The same group we had to lock up? Maybe you should pay attention instead of asking stupid questions.”

Okay, that was fair. But I had to do it! Lock them up, I mean. They kept trying to hunt me and Fang. Seriously, they tried to kidnap me at least five times.

Although, I understood why now. How they had hunted the males to near extinction and forced the rest to turn into simpering and adorable nerds. How they no longer had any viable sexual or romantic partners within reach, which had sent them searching for that connection in the pages of a book. With fictional characters that made them forget they had no partner of their own. A story full of adventure for a group of working class women who didn’t have time for such things. A perfect fantasy that could help distract them from their problems; from their mundane, miserable, spinster lives.

The downside of such fantasies is that they often lead to irrational behavior.

Like trying to kidnap a poor, innocent sapian to get details on Horus’ next book.

That’s why I prefer realism – why I personally try to stay grounded.

Lili sighed in the back of my mind.

Almost like she objected for some unknown reason.

Anyway, I’d only released them now because my bromantic partner’s family was super busy building new vehicles and remodeling the city and harvesting bamboo and building the blood grove fields. And Fang and I were about to go on an underground tour of the Hellforge. Which meant we were going to need more claws on the ground. A group that could... a group that could… uh… shit… what were we doing again?

“Convincing them to help distract Eris and Horus?” Lili offered.

Ahh, right. Thanks, Lili! She always had my back.

Not like Fang or Cole. Of course, they were nowhere to be seen.

“So, how are you all doing this evening?” I asked, giving the crowd a big smile.

All I got back was silence and more staring. A few exasperated hisses.

Wow. Public speaking was a lot harder without a fresh mug of FJ. Or maybe they were still upset about me locking them up? Could be both. In the meantime, I guess I would just have to go with my standard move – power through and hope for the best!

“Great, great, it’s a pleasure to be here too!” I said into that oppressive and overwhelming and super judgmental silence. “As Sssusie said, I have something special planned for you all. A chance to finally meet your hero himself.”

Oh, they were hiss-whispering to each other now.

Curiosity was winning over skepticism and disgust.

“That’s right! Horus Bloodmane is coming to Apati! Maybe tomorrow… or the next day… or really anytime in the next week or so. But he’s definitely coming. Maybe.”

Ha. Some of them even blinked that time. More than a few had even begun leaking steam, the vapor wafting up and collecting along the rafters. Their hisses had also grown in volume and their lips had peeled back into terrifying shark-like smiles.

I had them in the palm of my hand now.

“Are you serious?” Sssusie asked from off stage – the new one I’d had the engineers build here in the cafeteria for shows and events and impromptu speeches.

“Oh, you know I am. Horus is coming. This is not a drill.”

They were excited now – rising from their seats and their cheers filling the air.

“And as if that wasn’t amazing enough, you know who’s coming with him? Oh, yeah, that’s right. The inspiration behind his love interest Erica – Eris herself.”

They suddenly went super, super quiet again – just glaring at me.

“What? What’s wrong with that?” I demanded. “I thought you’d be excited—”

“Excited? She is so oblivious!”

“How doesn’t she see that Harold loves her?”

“Her dark backstory doesn’t make her any less of a princess…”

Wow. Okay. Some mixed feelings on Eris’ character then.

“Alright, I see that there’s some resentment—” I tried again.

However, they were barely listening anymore.

“And the secret keeping! Ugh!”

“All because of some sort of paranoid delusion that her CEO brother installed Harold as a plant? Seriously? What’s the point of that?”

“I know! Why not just kill her brother and be done with it?”

“I think Horus could do better.”

“No, he deserves better. A real woman that would kill for him.”

“And who’s honest – both with him and herself.”

Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.

In their defense, they were making some fair points. I mean, the secret keeping was horrible – and I wasn’t just saying that because I’d personally been on the receiving end of more than a few surprises from my bromantic partner. Okay… maybe a little.

There shouldn’t be any secrets between friends.

“Or maybe she has a good reason to keep some things to herself,” Lili grumbled. “Maybe she’s just afraid of what would happen if she were to tell the truth.”

“Uh, you mean like how they’d finally realize they both had feelings for each other?” I offered, dryly. “That they’d have a chance to finally be happy? To know that they’d found someone they could trust – a true partner.”

“You say it like it’s so easy. Like there’s no possible downside! What if she’s right and Harold is a plant? What if he used that information against her?”

My brow furrowed. Uh, why was Lili so upset about this? It was just a book—

“Maybe everyone in her life has betrayed her – including her own family – and she has crippling trust issues. Maybe that doesn’t just go away with a few backrubs.”

“Well, how else do you think the relationship is going to progress then?” I demanded.

“Oh, I don’t know… maybe Harold could admit what he’s thinking? How he’s feeling? Tackle his own insecurities head-on instead of manufacturing this strange game – this hypothetical “battle” for her love? Or, you know, he could reveal how he’s been drugging her food for weeks! Or are we only focused on her secrets? That’s some hypocritical kraell shit.”

I grimaced. Okay, that was fair-ish. The drugs were controversial, except—

“You mean the drugs that are helping her relax?” I demanded. “Helping her remove that stick from her ass – the one you’re saying her family put there? Maybe those drugs are giving her the emotional and physical space to deal with her own issues. Maybe Horus is doing her a favor by not pushing the issue.”

“You mean avoiding the issue? Yet again?”

For some reason, that hit harder than it should have.

Which is probably why I said this, “Right, because she’s always such a victim? Of her family, of her brother, and now Horus? Like she doesn’t have any agency over her own life – any power to change things? We both know she’s been letting it happen – that she has to at least suspect the drugs. Also, his feelings. I mean, could he be any more obvious? She’s supposed to be a scientist. That isn’t much of a deduction.”

Lili just laughed angrily. “Oh, so it’s her responsibility to come forward? I guess, it’s always the woman’s job to do the emotional heavy lifting. That’s the most sexist shit—”

“Sexist?” I insisted. “What are you talking about? I love women. I celebrate them. Look at Fang’s mom! And, obviously, one of them has to crack eventually. I mean, the conflict is that they aren’t communicating. There’s no other way to fix that problem, not unless one of them is finally honest – one of them takes the risk.”

“So why not the delusional one? Why does it have to be Eris?”

Okay, that was too far! I’m not delusional—

Ahh, but we weren’t talking about me, were we?

We were talking about Horus and Eris – or their characters Harold and Erica.

Right? I think? It was getting confusing…

Probably why those pesky questions were buzzing through my brain, circling and growing even as Lili got really quiet. Too quiet. Was she trying to tell me something? Did she have a secret? Did I? Maybe the reason I was so upset about this incredible book? Was I trying to hide something from myself again. I wish I wasn’t so good at it—

“Uh, do you two need a moment?” Sssusie asked gingerly.

I blinked. Blinked again.

Ahh, right. We were still on stage. Me yelling at my arm, dark text scrawling up my forearm, and my hand making an obscene gesture. The others in the audience were all crowded around the stage – for a better view of my arm, of course.

“She does raise some fair points, though.”

“I mean, I never looked at it like that. Maybe Horus does need to—

“No, it’s both of their responsibility to communicate.”

“They just need someone to force them tell each other how they feel. Maybe that side character Denise will finally speak up—”

“Ahh, yes, right!” I jumped in, shaking my head to try to clear those questions that still lingered at the edges of my mind. “That leads me to my point, I think.”

“You have a point?” Sssusie asked, incredulous.

“Yes, of course.” I just needed to remember what it was. “That was, uh… all part of my presentation. My point is that, err—”

“You need their help to force Horus and Eris to communicate,” Lili offered sullenly.

Ahh, right. Thank you, Lili.

She just grumbled, cutting off contact with my core.

Which was worrying… but she was probably just hungry. Maybe.

Plus, I had a few dozen murderous sociopaths staring at me.

I swallowed hard. “My, uh, my point is that Horus did what every good writer does – he wrote what he knows and then inserted himself directly into his own story.”

Okay, they just looked confused.

“Harold is Horus.” A gasp.

“And Erica? Erica is Eris.” Another gasp.

“Horus loves her – has always loved her – he just can’t bring himself to admit that. And neither can she. Just like in the book, they’re at an impasse. They need something to force them to tell each other how they feel; to smoosh their faces together really hard.”

“How?” Sssusie demanded. “In the book, even when their crazy client Nico forces them to travel for work – to spend weeks alone in a cute B&B – that still wasn’t enough.”

The others were nodding in agreement.

Huh, that name also sounded weirdly familiar.

Also, Sssusie raised a fair point. If that trope didn’t work, then what would we—

Oh, I remembered now! My amazing plan.

“That’s why we’re going to try something different,” I explained, my smile stretching wide. “You’re right, traditional tropes don’t work on these two. Relentless hardship, a common enemy, and a super cute bed and breakfast isn’t enough. Which is why, this time, we’re going to crush them with the power of pure romance.”

There was a collective intake of breath, their eyes round.

“We’re going to plan the most perfect first date ever. One that will break their body and mind and leave them with no other choice but to reveal their feelings for each other!”

They were hissing again and there was lots of steam, skepticism giving way to excitement. They had been training for this for ages. Preparing for this day.

“Yes, that’s right, I’m asking you – you students of love, you professors of poontang, you educators of the erotic arts – to finally put that knowledge into practice. What do you think this has all been for? The studying. The chapter readings. The intensive arguments about every aspect of these two fictional but also totally real people? Memorizing and criticizing every aspect of their characters in excruciating detail?

“It was for this! No one knows them better than you! Only you have any hope of forcing these two idiots to tell each other how they feel no matter what it takes or what it costs or who has to die!”

The answering roar was deafening.

Only broken up by the whirring grind of chain weapons spinning up to speed—

Wait, what? When did they get all of those weapons? I thought we searched them all carefully when we let them out of their cage…

Crimson eyes peeked at me through the crowd, my babies slinking along the aisles and handing out a bunch of those chain weapons. As they noticed me glaring, they froze, dropping the weapons with a clatter and acting all innocent. I guess Lili wasn’t the only one trying to send passive aggressive messages.

I hadn’t given them much attention lately. Or, at least, I didn’t think I had. It was really hard to remember, but I’d been busy with the remodeling project. Probably.

Maybe this is what happens when you ignore your precious murder babies…

They go out and arm an angry crowd of sociopaths.

“However, there are still rules!” I shouted over the hissing and roar of chain weapons. The crowd paused, slowing, growing quiet, those big yellow snake eyes glaring.

“What rules?” Sssusie demanded, arms crossed.

“Um, well, first… no killing anyone—”

A collective, exasperated sigh escaped a hundred scaly lips.

“And no maiming either!” That one wasn’t popular either.

“And I know this is a lot, but it would also be great if you could avoid causing unnecessary property damage. We just remodeled the town.”

“What if, hypothetically, Eris were to trip and fall and impale herself on a pile of scrapmetal, the wound gets infected and she dies an agonizing death?” Sssusie asked.

“Good question.”

“Yeah, what if she dies horribly?”

My brow furrowed. “Hmm, well in that case, I guess you wouldn’t have violated any rules… hypothetically, of course. And Horus would probably be devastated after watching the love of his life fade away before his eyes. That might even leave him devastated, emotionally vulnerable, and probably looking for something to fill that hole in his heart—

I trailed off as I realized it was suddenly very quiet.

Looking up, I saw that the others were just staring.

And they looked super pumped. That was pure murder shining in their eyes. I should know. Fang used to look at me like that all the time.

“But you can’t kill her—” I began.

“You heard him!” Sssusie roared into a bamboo tube, her voice overpowering mine. “If she dies by natural causes, Horus will be on the rebound!”

An answering roar met her words, one far louder than any other.

“Now, let’s go make love happen!” Sssusie screamed.

With that, the LaWD fans piled of the cafeteria, running out into the night with their chain weapons whirring. Shouting and screaming and planning the most epic first date ever.

Leaving me standing there and feeling conflicted.

Had… had they possibly taken away the wrong message from that?

Nah! It was going to be fine – better than fine!

Tomorrow was going to be a great day.

A perfect day. One filled with fun and family and light fraud. With the possibility of uncovering the answers to uncomfortable and slightly distressing new questions. Like why didn’t Fang want to go? Or why Lili was so moody? Or what was wrong with my babies? Why had they stopped looking at me like that? Like their [Battle Daddy]?

Also, why was Lipos trying to sneak out of the cafeteria—

I froze. The siren went still. Our eyes met.

And in that moment of silence, more questions began to pile up.

Like why was he here? Had he been here the whole time? And was he carrying a book? The one tucked tucked under his arm, partially hidden by his blubber? The one it looked like he was trying to hide for some reason? Maybe… maybe because he was a fan?

It looked like I was right again. Probably because I was great at reading people.

I just knew Lipos was my brother-in-thickness and now?

Now, I finally had proof.