Chapter 33 - Filthy Rich

“You’re broke,” Cole announced.

“We’re broke?” I gasped.

“I’m broke?” Lili howled.

“He’s broke?” Fang ripped his arm free of my grasp. “Then I take it back. He is not my bromantic partner. I just said that to take advantage of his insanity.”

That one was for his mother. Manslaughter didn’t seem to be buying what he was selling, however. Which was a shame, because Fang was super broke.

“Yes, yes… for the thousandth time yes,” Cole sighed, rubbing at his eyes – the company’s records splayed out across Tom’s dilapidated desk.

It turned out that Tom had also been using the elf as his accountant.

I was starting to think Cole was, well… a pushover. Like maybe he had a confidence problem? Probably because no one had ever really challenged him – not with that persuasion spirit nestled in his core. I bet he’d lived this super cushy life. Just talking his way out of all the hard, vessel-breaking work – you know the stuff that built character?

Like imagine you asked him to haul silverfin?

Except, he already did it, didn’t he? Didn’t he?

But that’s also probably why he let the egg spirit rape him.

Yeah, I said it! He’d told me more and honestly, I think he was asking for it—

“I was. It wasn’t rape. I thought she was a really nice person!” Cole snapped. “And, yeah, sure… maybe it was nice that someone was finally paying attention to me. The real me. She was the first person my persuasion spirit didn’t work on—”

He froze, everyone staring at him.

“That was not a warning sign?” Fang asked.

“Wait, so I was only your second?” I demanded. I thought we’d shared something special. And now Fang was glaring at me… and his mother was glaring at him.

“Enough. You all need to focus. I told you this place is falling apart,” Fang’s mom growled, grossing her arms, a small cloud of steam collecting along the ceiling.

“Except it’s already fallen apart,” Cole muttered, glaring at me before turning back to the records, his pale fingers stained black with ink. “Employees haven’t been paid in weeks, morale is shit, the port is blocked with sea serpents, we have no fish or scales arriving from the south, zero inventory left to ship out – even if we could get the boats out of port. Oh, and the vault is empty. Not a single gem.”

“But… but what about Apati? You said I owned the city,” I insisted.

He did say that, right?

“He did. He definitely did,” Lili insisted.

“See? Lili says you did,” I demanded.

“This voice in your head? This so-called spirit?” Manslaughter asked.

I don’t know why she was using air quotes.

Or why she was laughing and nudging Fang.

“She’s calling you crazy,” Lili explained super helpfully.

My eyes shot to my scaly bromate – who was suddenly looking anywhere but at me. What had that traitorous trash goblin told her exactly? You know, when he’d disappeared just before my surprise party got started?

No, it didn’t matter! Cole knew my spirits were real, right? He could prove it—

Ahh, his eyes were pleading with me not to say anything.

Yeah, I guess it would be awkward explaining how I tied him—

SMACK.

“Ahh, thank you Lili,” I mumbled, rubbing at my jaw.

“No problem. You were about to say that out loud again.”

I figured. Although, now everyone was definitely staring at me like I was crazy. Not sure that did anything to help my case.

“Uh, anyway…” Cole continued slowly. “You’re right, you do technically own the entire city.” Ahh, okay, I was feeling better. “Except—”

“Gods damn it, Cole. You know I hate that word.”

He nodded. “I know. Except, I have to tell you this—”

I raised my motivational arm chain. “Then say it happier.”

“Ahh, um… well, then I have some terrible news! Uh, you also inherited a sizable debt. I mean… a truly massive, monstrous debt. Probably more than anyone has owed? Ever? In the history of the Five Rivers?”

Okay, mixed feelings there.

Although, that was way easier to handle than his normal doom and gloom.

Also, I was starting to get this strange feeling again. One I’d had for a while now. Ever since I saw that Fin-Fan logo plastered on the side of this factory.

And I saw the same realization reflected in Fang’s traitorous yellow snake eyes.

This wasn’t paranoia – it was experience.

“Tom fucked us,” we said at the same time.

Ahh, see? Who could deny that bromantic connection?

“What? What do you mean?” Manslaughter demanded skeptically, eyeing me like I was just some crazy asshole her son had dragged home.

Which meant I just needed to show her my razor sharp intellect.

“I mean, it’s strange, isn’t it?” I demanded, rising and pacing the room.

“That Tom the swindler, the terrible father, the capitalistic genius, decided to throw himself at an army of ratkin? To blow himself up with his own lightning blast? And for Leandra? I mean, why? My sister is special, talented, extraordinary really. But this is Tom we’re talking about, isn’t it? The same guy that left both of us in that backwater shithole? The one that had defrauded the entire southern Outer Reaches?

“We’re just supposed to believe he blew himself up?” I demanded.

“Right,” Fang added, raising a claw. “Where is the body, hmm? I have blown up many, many creatures – gone through many simulations,” he added, nodding at me. I liked that. It sounded smart. “They always leave pieces. Organs. Small bones. Lots of blood.”

He was right. Also, I was loving his enthusiasm right now.

They were coming around – Cole and Manslaughter – I could see it.

“Or did he assume a ton of debt, expand way too fast for a workforce that were killing off every single member of their male population – every single one except for Fang, of course. Because he’ll die alone and sexless. A perpetual virgin—

“Move on,” Fang hissed, nudging me with his elbow.

Ahh, yeah. I was losing Manslaughter.

“Anyway, my point is that this whole operation was unsustainable. Like what if something happened to Cole – his bookkeeper and professional gaslighter?” I asked, waving at the elf, who flinched. “This place would have just fallen apart.”

“Ahh, that’s almost nice—” the elf began, giving me a fragile smile.

“Like what if he grew a backbone and fucked Tom out of his fortune? It would be so easy right? His persuasion spirit was way better. Hell, he could have just convinced Tom to give him the keys to the city, right? And Tom knew that.”

Unauthorized duplication: this tale has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

Cole’s jaw snapped shut. He looked conflicted now.

I kept going. “The obvious answer is that Tom never planned for this operation to last forever – just long enough to grow the business, create a huge hoard of gems for himself, waiting for the day that the gate outside Anchon exploded and then—WHAM! He pretends to blow himself up, leaving lots of witnesses to explain what happened to his many creditors.”

“And the rest of you to rot here,” Fang finished.

Then we fist bumped. Perfect analysis. 99.99% chance we were right.

“Or what if he just had a change of heart after his business slowly went broke?” Manslaughter asked, looking skeptical. “Perhaps he realized what he was really missing was family? That he’d come to love two weak, pale sapiens.”

We just stared back at her. Ahh, that was… uh, possible.

Although, it felt weird coming from Fang’s mom. Out of character.

Actually, what was that weird chortling sound Manslaughter was making?

Ahh, she was laughing. Was that—was that supposed to be a joke?

Ahaha… so funny. That my adoptive father might have loved me.

You know what was worse? Fang thought it was fucking hilarious.

“Okay, fine… the theory makes sense,” Manslaughter offered grudgingly, wiping the steam from her eyes. You know, once the laughter died down. Fang was still chuckling.

And Cole just looked horror stricken, all wide-eyed and pale and staring into the distance – like he could see his pride fleeing north toward Asphodel.

“I could have just stolen the whole operation,” he muttered to himself.

Yup. He could have. See what I mean? Confidence problem. Luckily, he found us, though. A few cycles and we would beat that carefree naivety right out of him.

Fang’s mom just rolled her eyes. “Not that it matters. What will you do now?”

At which point, my bromate and I locked eyes again. We each nodded.

“We run away. Run very fast,” we both said at once.

For some reason, they didn’t love that answer.

“Of course, I expect this from Fang,” Manslaughter muttered. “But you too?”

Her expression was serious, her gaze holding mine – judgment and sorrow lingering there. It softened her hard edges. “I thought you might take your new responsibility seriously. What of my people? My daughters? What will become of them?”

Uh, this was unexpected. Maybe another joke?

Except she looked so serious and upset.

“Well, we just met and—” I began.

“Is this really how you would treat your family? Your mother-in-law?” she hissed, Fang frowning. “If you stay… if you help us, I will even let you call me mom.”

She didn’t even wince as she said it. Oh. My. Gods.

This was it. She was finally accepting me as her son-in-law! I just knew—

“Do not pretend,” Fang hissed, stepping in and stabbing a claw at his mother. “I see how you stab yourself in the thigh. Where do you think I learned that trick?”

Oh, shit. She totally was! That’s how she’d said all of that with a straight face?

Wait, did that mean Fang did that too? That he lied to me?

“We do the same thing all the time,” Lili offered.

Ahh, right. I guess that’s true. Plus, hearing that from Manslaughter had been nice. And now Fang was all fired up. This was the confrontation I’d dreamed of for days now.

“You just want us to stay to be scapegoats,” he insisted. “Sacrifices for the creditors when they get here. You hope they will take over and leave you in charge.”

“Or my vessel alive, at least,” she retorted, abandoning her ruse, not a trace of contrition on her face as she jerked the dagger free and seared the wound closed with a blast of steam. “But we need the sapien. He’s the sole living heir to Mr. Gracen’s inheritance and so he controls the contract tablet. Also, he’s possibly the only person that can subdue the demon monkey outbreak in the warehouse.”

“Well, it won’t work,” Fang insisted. “I can’t let you destroy what I’ve built. What we’ve built—” he even snatched my arm, Manslaughter grabbing the other.

Ahh, Fang meant our relationship! He totally meant—

“I have worked for some many cycles to train this crazy one and now he is finally useful. He built me a death wagon! He fetches and carries my precious treasures. Also, his cooking is not terrible. He keeps a tidy lair. You can’t have him.”

Wow. That sort of made me sound like his slave, didn’t it?

But, at the same time, it was also really nice to hear, you know? To be appreciated?

Shit. I felt so conflicted right now.

“Plus, we’re still being chased,” I pointed out.

Fang winced and Manslaughter’s eyes squashed flat. “Chased? By whom?”

“Ahh, Horus and Eris—” I started.

Fang clamped a scaly hand over my mouth, but it was too late.

“Eris? Eris Vasilios?” Cole demanded, snapping out of his fugue and suddenly looking panicked – even more pale, if that was possible.

I shook my head. “Uh, I don’t know her last name. She’s like an elf, though? So maybe you know her? Or she’s like your sister maybe?” He shook his head. Ahh, just the lizard people then. “She wears this shiny silver armor. Bow. Fire around her eyes—”

Ahh, that last detail landed hard.

Manslaughter and Cole looked like they’d seen a ghost.

“The Flame of Tartarus is chasing you? The Sun Scientist?” Cole demanded.

“Shit, shit, shit,” Manslaughter hissed under her breath, looking weirdly nervous.

Meanwhile, Fang was just cradling his face in his hands.

“What’s so bad about Eris?” I asked. “It feels like you’re judging her kind of harshly. Sure, she’s a little uptight, but I think she and Horus would make a cute couple.”

“She is, um, passionate about her research,” Cole offered.

That didn’t sound so bad—

“And the last time she “chased” someone, thousands of vessels perished. It was a huge scandal – the whole of Asphodel was talking about it,” Cole finished. “It actually stained the waters of Styx red for weeks. From all the blood, I mean.”

Hmm. Well, that wasn’t ideal.

Luckily, I already had a solution for that!

“No problem,” I answered confidently. “I actually have a plan for how to—”

“No, no… you need to leave. Now,” Manslaughter snapped.

“See? I told you,” Fang hissed, smirking at his mother.

“This is not the time to gloat—” she began.

“But I don’t want to leave,” I interrupted.

Now they were all staring at me again.

“What? This place seems fun and we just got here and I want to tinker with my death wagon and I haven’t even asked the real Manslaughter for stories about Fang yet.”

“The real Manslaughter?” his mom echoed, glaring again.

“We will die,” Fang hissed, stepping close and forcing me to look at him. “Crushed between these creditors and Eris and Horus—”

“Except you saw how close they were getting back in the gate – Horus and Eris, I mean,” I retorted. “Like I said, I have a plan. Actually, it’s more of an extended tour/date around Apati,” I shot back. “They’re going to love it.”

“It’s going to be amazing,” Lili cackled in glee.

See? I was actually pretty excited about it. I’d been working up to this moment for weeks now. Seriously, I’d put in a lot of work.

And… they were all staring at me again.

“We could just drive him out,” Manslaughter muttered.

“With his battle onesie? You couldn’t even cut it. He will just sit in one place and won’t move for weeks,” Fang retorted.

She snorted, watching me spinning in Tom’s really cool wheely chair. “I do not believe it. I bet this one couldn’t sit still for an hour—”

I came to an abrupt halt. Oh, shit! Did you hear what she just said?

Manslaughter cutoff, looking uncertain as I pulled my sash from a rathole and offered it to her proudly. Irrefutable proof of my divine-rank patience. Meanwhile, Fang sighed, his eyes dead and soul shriveled up and howling in pain.

“What is this?” Fang’s mom muttered.

“Proof he is insane,” Fang muttered. “That he can and will sit in one spot for weeks.”

“We’re all going to die,” Cole whispered to himself.

See? Doom and gloom again.

Fang approached and forced me to look at him again. “Nyx, be reasonable. Even if we stay, even if you distract Horus and Eris, there are still the creditors and we have no money. What will we do?”

“I bet we can negotiate with them. Besides, we still have some nimbus gems.”

Fang flinched. “You can’t give those away,” he hissed.

“Not all of them. But some of them maybe,” I retorted.

“Well… well, even if you do – if you save this place – what then? That elf with an egg fetish told us this is business unsustainable – it was even part of our presentation, remember?”

I did actually, which was reassuring. “But I also have this fifty-seven step list for how to improve Apati,” I said, waving the paper with all of my careful, handwritten notes.

My bromate snatched it away. “This is just more crazy…”

Fang trailed off, his yellow eyes skimming the paper.

Then they shot back up to me.

Then back to the paper.

Then back to me again.

“When did you do this? Write this?” Fang demanded.

Ahh, well… that’s hard to say. “Maybe while we were playing cards?”

Cole was shaking his head. Ahh, that wasn’t great. I guess my memory was getting a little patchier lately. But you couldn’t win them all, right?

And Fang’s eyes had narrowed…

“Uh, Lili? Help me out?”

“Yeah, I got nothing.”

Ahh, cool. That wasn’t concerning at all.

“It doesn’t matter. It won’t work,” Manslaughter insisted.

Fang didn’t even bother to respond – he just handed her the paper. Cole even got up and circled around behind her, reading over her shoulder.

And moments later, “Is-is this really possible?” Cole asked.

“It cannot be,” Manslaughter insisted.

But it was and it could. Because I was a budding genius.

Plus, [Engineering] had been telling me some interesting things ever since we saw those steam powered machines on the factory floor. Something about “turbines” and “pressure systems” and “hydraulics” and “drive trains” and “power steering” and, also… strangely, something called “hydroponics?” I wasn’t sure that was technically an engineering field, but it had the “hydro” part in it.

Oh, and they were all looking at me again.

“Can you really do this?” Fang whispered, moving close.

“Sure,” I answered with a shrug.

“And if it doesn’t work?” His mom that time.

“Well, then I guess you can use me as a scapegoat,” I answered with a broad smile – one that put them all at ease. “I mean, then I’d get to watch people fight over me again.”

I’d enjoyed that a lot. Too much probably.

Meanwhile, Lili was just cackling in the back of my mind. Dreaming of the oceans of sweet, sweet nimbus that we stood to gain if my plan worked.

And my left hand was trembling. Maribel seemed excited. Probably because my plan was also going to require extensive amounts of [Interior Design].

“Then I say we give it a try,” Manslaughter said finally.

Fang nodded. So did Cole. Ahh, everyone was onboard!

“But first, you need to take care of the monkeys,” Fang’s mom snapped.

“Ahh, no problem,” I answered and Maribel summoned my babies.

They emerged from pools of shadow, bamboomers already locked and loaded and each wearing ratskin pouches full of poisoned blood fruit. I’d had a feeling Manslaughter wouldn’t be able to manage the monkeys, so I’d come prepared.

“Monkey problem downstairs. Try not to kill too many,” I instructed my babies. “We’re going to need as many as possible for the construction. Also, the breeding pits.”

All three nodded, but then refused to move. There was this strange gleam in their eyes. Like they were waiting for something—

“Ahh, and you can each eat 5 of them,” I added. “But no more. I’ll count.”

They just chittered at me and immediately vanished.

Which left me alone with the others. Cole shaking his head. Fang hissing in delight as he re-read my plan for the third time. And Manslaughter staring at me like I’d grown a second head – horror and shock warring for dominance. Also, maybe a hint of attraction?

It was only a matter of time. Women are attracted to genius.

“What are you?” she hissed, her voice husky.

See? It probably helped that I was so good with children.

“Oh, nothing much. Just hollow,” I answered with a big grin.