Chapter 26 - Project Apati

Okay, one question answered.

The blood-red liquid in those mugs was “Friendship Juice.”

And the bottles behind the counter? “Extra Strength Friendship Juice.”

Ahh, how did I know?

“Because we’re having a real party!” Lili shouted.

She had to. The Fin-Fan cafeteria was pretty lively now. A hundred or so of Fang’s “sisters” all having the best surprise party for me ever. It was such a huge surprise, in fact, that most of my guests hadn’t even known there was going to be a party! Or that it was for me! I’ll admit, that stung a little, but it was clear that I was still the star.

All I had to do was say the magic words. Here, let me show you.

“Another round on me!” I roared.

“Yassssss!” Again, those were Fang’s sisters. Probably. You know, the snake-eyed women with the really interesting power tools that were “keeping an eye on me.”

The rest was more of an incoherent scream created by the combined love of a dozen different species. It seemed Friendship Juice transcended race.

Which was weird. I don’t remember that being part of the mantras.

But it really, really should be, you know?

Maybe I could add this to the dinner mantra somehow…

Ahh, what was that? What am I doing? Oh, that’s easy.

But you probably need some background to really appreciate it. And I swear, this is a short tangent. You’ll barely notice it, honestly.

First off, I’d made my guards – who, once again, were also possibly Fang’s sisters – give me a tour. It turned out that this place was Fin-Fan Corporate Headquarters – which included an extensive processing, packing, canning, and shipping operation.

Obviously, I had follow-up questions. Many of them, actually. But I’ve also learned to prioritize. I know, I know… it sounds a lot like procrastinating.

But it’s actually completely different. Common mistake.

Here, I can make it easy for you. When you prioritize, you’re avoiding doing something. But when you procrastinate, you’re avoiding doing everything. See? Totally different, but also very, very similar. Either way, I was definitely doing something.

Specifically, I was hungry. Also, thirsty.

Luckily, it turned out that this big tavern-room-space was actually a cafeteria – one that served most of the staff here at the factory. That’s important because the cafeteria had an extra-large juice dispensing counter. They called it a “bar.” It also had a full-service commercial kitchen. Although, it was laid out terribly and all of their appliances were designed for the savran to operate them by injecting steam.

How was I supposed to get a good sear on my monkey burgers if I had to steam everything? That was not the way anything was meant to be consumed. It needed to be deep fried. Or, at least pan-fried. Preferably with lesser sea serpent fat.

Anyway, that’s all just to say that I remodeled their kitchen for free.

And once I solved our food problem, I was even more thirsty.

But getting the friendship juice out of the kegs was super slow. Especially since all the cooking really attracted a crowd. And they were even thirstier than me!

So, I improvised – you know, budding genius and all.

Specifically, I attached a tube of screaming bamboo to a keg.

Okay, fine, the secret was elbow grease. You just had to sharpen an edge and slam it home. That got us some pretty good suction when I tickled the tube, but aiming it proved to be a challenge. So, I fashioned this sprayer nozzle thing out of some shitty tools I found in the kitchen and an extra helping of elbow grease.

Yup, that’s right! I could now shoot the Friendship Juice into the mugs… or directly at my new friends’ faces. The last one got them super excited. All I had to do was kick the keg and the bamboo let out a garbled tooting sound and a blast of Friendship Juice.

That was fun… for a while.

But when that inevitably got old, I started to experiment. I discovered that if I mixed in about 25% of the Extra Strength Friendship Juice to each keg, I got an even better reaction from my new friends. And then I remembered I saw one of the other-mes wearing a super cool hat! So, I decided to make one of those too. Just took some guy’s helm, strapped two mugs to it and then made the straws out of thinner bamboo tubes.

They. Went. Absolutely. Crazy.

It was like the invention of fire.

Liked I’d finally improved on the wheel.

Sure, [Engineering] told me it wasn’t a big deal and this was an overreaction. But he sounded pretty bitter if I’m being honest. Almost like he was upset he didn’t think of it first.

Although, he did raise a few compelling points. I mean, look – I can’t deny the results and I know I shouldn’t second guess myself when I’d made so many new friends so fast. But the questions were still there…

Like maybe why were they so excited? About the Friendship Juice, I mean. The hat was a stroke of pure genius. Also, I was noticing slurring, impaired motor coordination, and, well, let’s be real… their judgement was possibly affected. Like was it safe to trust a stranger you met just a few minutes ago to spray Friendship Juice directly into your open mouth? Even if he was wearing a really stylish new onesie? I mean, what if he was conducting strange and possibly immoral experiments on a group of strangers? Maybe lacing the Friendship Juice with his own proprietary blend of Death Shroom and a dab of PK’s poison?

Although, everyone seemed even more relaxed and they raved about the taste.

Also, why wasn’t I feeling anything yet?

I mean, I drank a LOT. Seriously, that’s what impressed my new friends so much in the first place. Like I drank a whole barrel.

Then they asked me if I felt “buzzed?”

There’s always this constant buzzing in my head… so, I said yes?

“You’re overthinking it! This is awesome! Yes, worship us like a god!” Lili roared over the noise of the crowd. Wow. It seemed like it had gotten even bigger somehow, the door to the cafeteria propped open and the crowd spilling outside.

“Nick, Nick, Nick!” They all chanted.

It wasn’t super creative – or my real name – but I’ll admit, I kind of liked it.

Okay, fine, I liked it a lot.

I really hope this didn’t awaken something in me…

My forehead suddenly felt itchy and darkness threaded my right hand as it lifted the sprayer nozzle, only to be followed by another roar from the crowd, a spray of blood-red liquid, and a new chant.

“Lili, Lili, Lili!”

Hmm, well, it was only fair. All it cost were those magic words anyway.

Ahh, shit, speaking of which, our stream had gone limp. Killed another keg.

Oh, well. Easy solution for that. I just ripped out the bamboo spigot, pulled off the fresh new tendrils, and slammed it down into another keg, the crowd roaring their approval. Or that might have been in response to my babies. They emerged from the freshly remodeled kitchen, thick black smoke billowing at their backs. They held huge, heaping platters of food, their bodies covered in a bright red glow.

Now, I know what you’re probably thinking. Fang told me to keep them out of sight. This was a clear violation of Rule #2.

But hear me out… after the second drink, no one seemed to care that they were being served food of unknown origin cooked by a complete stranger and his band of feral murder rodents. In fact, Fang’s sisters seemed to love the babies. Giving them pets and treats. And those little furry attention whores were just lapping it up—

“Hey, so how did you meet Fang?” one of Fang’s sisters scream-asked.

“Well, uh—” I began, turning.

Woah, suddenly my “guards” were all really close – like three eerie clones of Fang with their big glowing eyes and pointy teeth. I think I’d had a nightmare like this once…

“That’s sort of complicated,” I shouted back.

“Oh, shit,” Lili muttered. “Nyx, please don’t—”

“It’s okay, you don’t have to tell us if it’s uncomfortable—” the savran began.

“No, I meant, it’s just going to take a while to tell the entire story,” I shouted back with a broad smile. I loved a good tangent. You probably didn’t know that about me.

Then I did just that. The storytelling, I mean. And I made sure to go into excruciating and completely unnecessary detail. Like any good storyteller, of course.

I’ll admit, my delivery was even pretty good.

I mean, I’ve had lots of practice with you, right?

Thanks for that, by the way. I’d raise a mug of Friendship Juice for you, but well..,. you’re not entirely real, are you? It’s the thought that counts, though. Probably.

Sometime later, it seemed oddly quiet.

Ahh, that was because everyone was staring at me. Again.

And not like normal “staring” you know – like when you just drive your death wagon peacefully down the street? This was different. Really creepy, quiet staring. All 300+ of my new friends. Okay, maybe it was 500. And their eyes were weird. Like too round. And some were kind of wet. Were they… crying? Maybe the Friendship Juice was wearing off? Or was this a weird side effect? I’d heard someone talking about sad drunks…

Damn it, I should have gotten the babies to hook up another barrel while I was telling my story. Did I… did I ruin it? Again? Like with the Lair Warming Party?

Wait, were they still my friends?

“I’m—I’m so sorry,” the savran beside me murmured, patting my shoulder.

“Yes, it is okay. We are still your friends,” another said.

Shit. Had that last one been out loud?

“Judging from their faces and that tragedy of a story, I’m going to go with yes,” Lili muttered. “Geez. Way to kill the vibe.”

Then the weirdest thing happened.

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All my new friends started stalking toward me with those weird, wet, round eyes, their pupils dilated – just like Fang. Were they going to try to murder me now? I definitely ruined it, didn’t I? Why do I always do this?

You know what? Whatever. Maybe I deserve the stabbing this time—

But no steel slid into my gut, or sliced through my scarred-studded skin. Instead, they wrapped me in arms covered in fur and scale and feather and a few other things I was really curious about. That pressure, gentle but insistent. Squeezing and squeezing and squeezing until I didn’t feel numb anymore – no longer quite so… hollow.

Huh, what was this? Was this a hug?

Another blink and then….

Then the moment ended.

People started pulling away, wiping at their eyes. More than a few were just hugging each other and openly weeping. A couple were catatonic, staring off into the void.

Wow. Okay, that seemed like a bit much.

Was this a normal reaction to the beginning of the world’s greatest [Bromance]?

“No. No, it’s not,” Lili grumbled.

Hmm, then I definitely didn’t want to dig at that too deeply. See? Prioritizing.

I waved at Pietr behind the bar where he was sniffling and wiping at his nose. After the paralytic had worn off, I’d give him a super important job.

He took a deep breath and lifted a tube to his lips. “This is, uh, Pietr from the South Gate and I’m new to this whole “DJ’ing thing,” but here it goes—”

Then he started up the Fin-Fan Headquarters’ new sound system again. I was actually pretty proud of it – a few dozen bamboo tubes of different lengths and sizes fashioned into a rough keyboard. I’d gotten the idea after Pietr said he used to play something called a piano. Or [Enigneering] did. I guess I can throw him a bone. It was no beer hat, but what was a party without music?

See? Everyone was already getting back into the swing of things again – all those pesky tears melted away by a fresh spray of crimson “Friendship Juice.”

“We’ve never liked Fang,” someone snapped, my attention whipping back around to find Fang’s sisters staring at me again.

“Fang is a terrible name – the same as my grand-broodmother,” one sneered. I’m pretty sure that one was named Jesssica?

“What do you expect from the Nameless?” Uh, and she was Sssandy?

“And after he nearly destroyed our tribe!” Sssusie that time?

“This is starting to feel speciest,” Lili offered, sounding uncomfortable.

Ahh, sorry. I’m horrible with names.

Oh, shit. But they’d been saying something important!

“Wait, what do you mean Nameless?” I interjected. “You keep using that word, but I don’t know what it means—"

“It is obvious—”

“I can explain—”

“It is a long story—”

Ahh, they were all talking at the same time. Perfect.

Anyway, the resulting explanation was half screamed by three of Fang’s sisters over the shriek and wail of my new sound system, so I’ll try to decipher it as best I can for you. It turned out that the savrans – or, this tribe, at least – had a custom around naming their young. More specifically, they earned their names based on their first kill.

Some adopted the name of their murder weapon. Which worked out great – sometimes. Spike? Talon? See? Normalish names. But, obviously, some weren’t ideal. One of his sisters was named “Spiked Club.” Another was named “Fireplace Poker.” Although, it felt like there was a story behind “Fish Sandwich”…

Anyway, my names for them aren’t looking so bad now, huh?

For others it was more about the general murder activity. Like “Heartbreaker” wasn’t as endearing as you might think. And some were more aspirational. “Spineripper,” for example. The sisters went on for a while about how impractical that one was, especially since they couldn’t use weak prey to earn their name. There was also a surprising amount of physics involved in ripping out someone’s spine.

Anyway, the tribe’s members had gotten more creative over time – mostly because the obvious, boring names were already taken. You know, stuff like Dagger or Throat Punch or… Fang. Yeah, you see it now, right? I was starting to think that wasn’t his real name.

“Okay, so why is your mother’s name Manslaughter?” I asked tentatively.

Fang’s sisters all started screaming at once again. Sorry.

But the answer was more terrible than you might think.

You see, it had to do with their tribe’s mating process. Again, savrans weren’t a monolith. Presumably, the females of other tribes didn’t eat the males after mating. Uh, yup, you heard that right. I had to get them to repeat it a few times too. Also, it was hard to understand them since they were laughing so hard.

So, yes… Fang’s mom had a huge body count. So high, in fact, that she’d earned the title of Manslaughter by her naming day. Which sort of made sense. You saw her! She’s a real steam show. And yet my mind was still officially blown.

I mean, obviously, that explained why Fang had so many siblings. Also, why he had so many sisters. But the more astute among you must have noticed it by now.

As for the rest of you – the dumber ones – I’ll spell it out. I’ll even show my work.

1 Fang + 1 female = 1 female, babies, and a snack.

Then we solve for Fang like so:

1 Fang + 1 female – (1 female) = 1 female, babies, and a snack – (1 female).

Then we simplify to get:

1 Fang = babies and a snack.

See? Mathematical proof that Fang had never gotten laid. Ever. Or he’d be dead.

Which meant, all those mating rules he was always talking about? All those jokes about how I would die sad and lone and unloved? A perpetual virgin? If I just ate a bit more, maybe I’d suck in a mate with my own gravitational pull?

Yep. All kraell shit. Or possibly projection.

Either way, this was one of the best days of my horrible life.

That’s probably why I was cackling maniacally.

It was okay. Fang’s sisters seemed into it.

“Oh, I am going to get him so good for this,” I declared.

“Wait, so you know his weakness?” Jesssica asked.

“How do you plan to do it? To kill him?” Sssandy that time.

Woah, that was a bit further than I was planning to go—

“He is too strong now.” Yup, the last one was definitely Sssusie.

Lili just sighed in the back of my mind. “We just went over this—”

I realize that. But these names were way easier for me to remember.

Also, they seemed really into the hypothetical Fang murder. So, I guess I could level with them. I mean, they were basically family, right?

“I do, actually,” I murmured, and they all leaned in close, anxiously awaiting my response. “It’s really easy. You just have to—

They leaned even closer, barely breathing.

“—draw him a warm bath.”

“A… bath?” they demanded in unison.

“Yeah and if you add bubbles he won’t even feel it when you stab him to death.” I cocked my head in thought. “Actually, he might just drown.”

They stared for a few more super long seconds and then—

“Really?”

“Crazy asshole!”

“So full of shit. That story probably wasn’t even real anyway.”

I frowned as I watched them storm off. Hmm. What did I do wrong?

“I told you no one would believe you,” a familiar voice piped up, twin yellow eyes appearing with a swirl of mist… followed shortly by the rest of Fang – who was now sitting at the bar, stealing the mug from one of my new friends and downing it in one go.

“Okay, but a bath is definitely the best way to kill you,” I insisted. We’d been over this a lot back in the gate. Actually, it was sort of an ongoing bet. Kind of.

Okay, fine. I threatened to tell people as leverage. What can I say? I’m a good friend.

He nodded. “It is, but it sounds ridiculous. This is why I am not worried.”

Which was fine. Just fine! I didn’t mind being wrong. Besides, it didn’t matter.

I had something better now. Something so much better.

“So, uh, I met a few of your sisters,” I offered, inspecting my mug.

“I see that,” Fang observed, watching the epic party that was raging through the cafeteria and out into the street, that blood-curdling beat echoing across the whole of Apati.

“But I haven’t met many of the men in your family…”

I just trailed off and Fang’s claws froze on his mug.

“Ahh, is that so?” he hissed.

“Yeah. It’s weird. Would you mind introducing me to your father—”

“Dead. Very tragic. Died when I was young,” Fang answered immediately.

“Ahh, well I guess I can relate. But that’s terrible,” I offered, patting him on the back. He winced for some weird reason.

“Maybe a brother? Or an uncle? Or a grandfather then? I’d love to meet the male role model in your life – you know, that snake-eyed bastard that taught you to hunt. All of those many, many lessons surrounding savran mating?”

“All dead. Very sad. Too sad for me to talk about,” Fang offered, wiping at his eyes. He even conjured a bit of mist to simulate tears. I was impressed.

And maybe, under other circumstances, I’d have even fallen for it.

“So, your mother and the other females didn’t eat them?”

He froze then, turning ever-so-slowly, those big beautiful amber eyes like twin moons.

Oh, yeah. This was it. That Fang-in-the-headlights look I longed for. Right now, he had the scaly, cold-blooded body of a hunter and the expression of prey. He tried to run then, but there was nowhere for him to go. Mostly because my chain was already wrapping his body, shadowy webs of corruption licking at his scales – slowing his movement and draining away his precious nimbus. He tried to make an emergency misty… but he couldn’t.

Which was fine. I understood now why he had performance issues. Also, why he might be so bitter and angry and sometimes bordering on sadistic. It was a confidence problem. Self-esteem that could only be propped up by a strong, masculine influence.

But I had a plan for how to deal with that problem.

A very public; very personal plan.

“Ahh, Pietr!” I shouted at the vulpin, waving to get his attention. The screeching howls abruptly faded. I stood, hauling Fang up onto the bar.

“Don’t believe anything he says,” the self-conscious trash goblin shouted to the confused guests attending my awesome surprise party. “He is a crazy—umph."

A few rags took care of that problem.

“A crazy party fiend, am I right?” Pietr shouted into a tube, then taking a long swig of “Friendship Juice.” Honestly, I was surprised he was still standing, but happy to see he was getting into the swing of things.

The roar of the crowd was deafening and Fang was looking really worried now. Probably because I had looped my chain over the nearest rafter and hauled him up so he was dangling there overtop the bar. Then Pietr passed me the tube. I even helped him rip the tendrils off his arm where they were trying to burrow into his tender flesh.

“Alright, I want to introduce you all to my dear, dear friend and bromate here,” I began, addressing the crowd. “His name is Fang. And we braved the depths of a corrupted gate together, can you believe that? Yeah, this is the guy I was talking about earlier.”

The roar back was almost deafening.

And when it faded, “I know, I know. But it turns out that despite all that time we spent together – cycles and cycles – he’s been harboring a deep, dark secret.”

A lot of boos that time and Fang’s eyes were pleading with me to stop. To have mercy. To not humiliate him in front of a crowd composed of most of his family… and his entire hometown? But I was doing this for him. I’d found that the trick to building confidence was to brutally murder any trace of pride that you had left.

If I stopped now, what kind of friend would that make me?

That’s right. A terrible one.

“Specifically, my friend here is Nameless.”

The crowd grew quiet, somber expressions on the faces of Fang’s family and general confusion from the sprinkling of other races. Although, based on the whispers, it looked like the rest of the family was filling them in. Perfect.

Yeah, I know, you probably thought I was going to shame Fang for his lack of sexual experience. But that wouldn’t really make us even. I mean, you saw what he did to me when I met my mother-in-law? Do you really feel bad about this? Really?

“No! Finish him!” Lili roared.

Maribel also gave me a thumbs up.

“Now, I’ve only recently learned the customs of the tribe,” I continued. “The way some of you have been looking at me like a snack – literally. Sorry ladies, but I’m off the market. Health reasons.” That got a few laughs. The trick was to write to your audience. “However, I think I have the gist of the naming rules. It’s about your first or most glorious kill, right? Massacres are bonus points?”

This got a roar of approval. Fang just looked bewildered now, his gaze darting between me and the crowd and rivers of water dripping off his scaly, dangling body.

“In which case, I don’t understand – Fang shouldn’t be Nameless.”

Now the huge room went totally silent. Everyone was lost now.

“Not me,” Lili added, cackling in the back of my mind.

Even you look puzzled. Don’t worry. You’re going to love this.

“You see, I’d like to propose that Fang has committed sexual genocide,” I continued. “He has killed any chance he has of ever getting laid. Murdered even the faint flicker of respect or attraction or fondness anyone might feel toward him. Just look at him. An elderly, aging bachelor well past his tender, young, and likely juicy years. Living proof that he has never had sex, and, at this point, likely never will.”

A horrified, tense stillness lingered through the cafeteria and that was pure dread welling in Fang’s eyes now. I just raised my fresh mug of “Friendship Juice” – the one my babies handed me. “So, here’s to my dear friend and my bromate – Buzzkill.”

The silence that met this announcement was deafening. As deep and wide as an ocean. You could hear a pin drop. A faint cough. The shuffle of claws on stone.

No worries. I had a solution for that.

“And Buzzkill says the next round’s on him!”

The silence only made the roar that followed even louder. A tidal wave of sound that refilled that ocean in an instant. A blaring, triumphant, celebration. A christening.

I didn’t even have to keep Fang tied up anymore. He just slumped to the bar, defeated, dejected, every single one of my new friends coming over to say hello – to congratulate him. His sisters were even chanting his new name.

“Buzzkill. Buzzkill. Buzzkill.”

Yeah, this was definitely the best day of my miserable life.

“That was beautiful,” Lili added, sounding choked up. Was she—was she crying?

And through it all, Fang stared off into the distance in abject horror.

Actually, what was he looking at?

Ahh. Okay. I see her now.

So, in my defense, maybe the copious consumption of the “Friendship Juice” and my many experimental poisons had made me a touch slower – a little off my game. I know, that might sound crazy after that overwhelming and well-deserved revenge. But I can still admit when I make a mistake – when I forget to ask questions.

Like if Fang was here, then where was his mother? Also, how would she react to me remodeling her kitchen? And her bar? And inviting the entire town to my surprise party? And using up every last drop of her “Friendship Juice” – even the kegs I’d found in the storage warehouse? And inviting in three of the most adorable murder babies ever – you know, the ones still tossing burgers at people as they made their rounds of the room?

The answer was… not well.

The boiling wave of steam ended the party pretty fast. Well, not at first, of course. The screams were remarkably similar to my new sound system. But after the third degree burns, everyone hustled out pretty fast and they even made pretty good time down the street. And since it was also way past the babies’ bedtime, I slipped them out a discreet rathole.

Which really just left me, Fang, and my mother-in-law.

Or uh, maybe just me and his mother. Fang had disappeared.

It was almost like Manslaughter couldn’t see me – like she was broken. She just stood there, staring at the remains of my surprise party, her eyes smoldering. No reaction. Maybe it was just overwhelming – all the surprises? Like the kitchen remodel. And the new juice spraying apparatus. Also, the sound system that was now embedded in the wall. The poo-crete was structural. Otherwise, the bamboo would devour the walls.

“What… what is this?” she muttered.

“A surprise party. Surprise!” I answered with another smile. I thought I was getting better at it. Although, maybe not. Steam started pouring out of her ear holes.

Hmm, you know what? Maybe she was just sad. Overwhelmed by a barrage of uncomfortable emotions from meeting her estranged son again.

In which case, I had the best idea ever! It had worked great for me.

“Don’t worry,” I told Fang’s mom. “I discovered this thing you can do when you’re feeling overwhelmed. It feels super good. It’s called a hug—”