North of Anchon

Nyx

Have you ever wanted to build something and you just have this perfect and also possibly completely unrealistic vision of what you want it to be? Happens to me all the time. Especially when I’m trying to build something brand-spanking new or starting a hobby.

Like say I’m going to pick up [Tailoring] for the first time? Ball gown, first try.

[Blacksmithing]? Full plate mail with gold filigree.

Actually, scrap that! The armor should be self-moving. Armor spirit maybe?

Also, it should be able to wield weapons. We’ll have to figure out how to make those.

And honestly, if we’re going to go to the trouble of making the armor in the first place, why stop there? I mean, couldn’t we make a mold? Maybe I’ve never done that before, but how hard could it be? Which really begs a much more pressing and important question, right? Like how many autonomous, robot-armor-death machines should I build? More than one, obviously. But where do I stop? Five? Ten? A hundred… thousand?

You see what I mean? I tend to build stuff up in my head.

It’s hard to find the line – you know, the one between reasonable and completely batshit. Although, I’ve developed a foolproof system. Works every time.

I just keep going until the screaming starts.

“What the hell are you building now?” Fang yelled.

He had to. There was a lot of banging. We had to hammer in all the nails, after all. The ones I’d made out of the remainder of our scrapmetal. And it was only me and the babies. We didn’t have much in the way of tools, or skills, or materials, or even time… but we had plenty of elbow grease. Also, moxy. Such a fun word.

I waved at the murder babies and they all stopped, “You did great. Perfect honestly. No notes.” They all chittered happily and showed their huge murder teeth. “Well, except—”

“#1, you were moving a little slow. Also, #2 and #3, I felt like your attention was more on the heaping pile of snake meat than your work.”

All completely reasonable and honest feedback.

Normally, my babies would have just nodded profusely. Maybe bowed. You know, like regular children. I mean, I didn’t demand that they prostrate themselves before me like some sort of god… but if it happened naturally, who was I to say no?

And yet, this time, they—they didn’t. They just stared back.

Then you know what they did next?

They crossed their arms and glared at me!

Me!? Their [Battle Daddy]? What could have possibly caused this strange new—

“You sent them to get brutally murdered by the big juicy snakes,” Lili observed, still mumbling around a mouthful of my skill gems. A mouth that still didn’t exist, by the way. “And now you’re clearly deflecting to deal with your own crippling guilt. Looking for problems with them instead of reflecting on your own issues.”

Uh, wow. Lili had gotten much more insightful as she ate my skill gems.

“Our gems,” she corrected automatically.

Also, um, I totally wasn’t deflecting. The babies are fine! Look at them! They’re—

Hey, wait! They were gone. Where did they—

Ahh, they were swimming in the pile of snake guts. Of course.

“They left while you were babbling to yourself again,” Lili observed. “Hmm, actually I was wrong before. I mean, it was deflection, but it looks like it wasn’t just guilt… it was also fear. You’re afraid. Terrified really.”

Pssh. She was wrong. I’m fearless. Remember that time I jumped out of a portal and [Chain Punched] the rat ogre? Or when I stared down Maribel when she was in full rat king mode? She even ate my eyeballs!

My left hand tingled in agreement. See? She had my back.

“Really?” Lili mumbled. “Because it looks to me like your babies are changing. Growing. And that thought frightens you. Maybe someday they won’t need you, just like—”

Uh, what? No! That’s not… like, not at all what I was worried about!

Technically, they’d already grown up once and I was kind of hoping that we would get to skip over the teenage years the second time around. Besides, were we even really sure they were still mine? Any old rat could have come out of Maribel’s murder dungeon, right? That’s why I’d given them new names. Okay, fine, they were just numbers. And no, it wasn’t because I couldn’t tell which one was Brute and which was Smash!

“Fine, which one is #3?” Lili asked. “You know, the one that sacrificed itself for you, remember? That got smashed into a gory puddle of former baby.”

“Uh, the one on the left.”

SMACK!

Ahh, that was Maribel that time.

And Lili just cackled in the back of my mind.

Okay. It was possible that I deserved that.

“Fine. Maybe you’re right,” I said with a resigned sigh – the three of us and absolutely no one else watching our babies swim through a pile of snake intestines. Seriously, they were just wiggling through the gore with their little fury bodies, feet tucked together like fins, and their mouths wide open. Ahh, they thought they were snakes now.

Maybe this was a blessing. A chance to experience their childlike wonder again. To murder new and fascinating creatures as a family.

But how long would we get to appreciate this sight?

Days? Weeks? Centuries? I guess that depended on whether I could use a skill gem on Maribel’s sweet new shield and what modifiers the Flow gave me if it worked. So, I guess we should just appreciate this while it lasted. They probably wouldn’t be the same innocent death monsters after the world had gotten to them.

“But they’ll always be my babies,” I murmured.

And no, I’m not crying! That’s mist.

Also, I swear, Fang did this next!

“Our babies” he hissed, stepping up beside me, his clawed fingers winding through my own. They didn’t even cut me – not even a little bit. It was perfect.

Then he started asking me questions about the wagon I was building. And he seemed genuinely excited! He asked me how I came up with such an impressive and revolutionary design for the track system and he even helped me—

“Nyx!” Fang snapped, clapping his clawed hands in my face.

I blinked. Blinked again.

Huh. Shit. Okay, maybe that didn’t happen.

Maybe I really do build up stuff in my head.

I mean, our bromantic relationship was still new, right? Or newish?

“Are you there?” Fang asked, peering close – too close. “Lili is he there?” he shouted into my ear. “What is he building?”

Wow. Still hated that a lot.

“Debatable,” Lili muttered. Meanwhile, dark question marks rippled down my arm.

Everyone was a critic, apparently.

“It’s going to be a wagon,” I told Fang for at least the thousandth time.

“This is a wagon?” Fang demanded.

Okay, sure. This is what I was talking about before.

I was trying to make Emporos’ Death Wagon – you know, because I couldn’t steal it. At least, not yet. And maybe I was shooting for the stars there. My version probably wouldn’t be an extra-dimensional death wagon that could travel through space and time. Mostly just the space part. Maybe. We hadn’t tested that yet, actually.

But I was already almost half-way there!

It was even pretty good, in my opinion.

Especially considering all I had to work with were sewer tools, way too much garbage that we really didn’t need to bring with us, some ancient wooden timbers soaked in the nimbus-rich waters of Cocytus, and, in what was becoming a surprisingly common occurrence the last five cycles or so… corpses. Or should I say, the salvaged and distressed spines of several giant snake creatures we’d reclaimed from a local beach.

This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

Also, the half-rotten skull of a corrupted adult Kraell.

In this family, we believed in recycling.

“Using the snake skeletons was a weird choice, though,” Lili offered.

“Why all the bones?” Fang added. “Wagons have wheels. Wheels, Nyx. They are round. Like a circle. Like these wooden things you made, but much bigger.”

Huh. Wasn’t loving that tone at all – or the hand gestures.

Apparently, we also had a wagon bigot over here.

“For the last time, we aren’t using wheels,” I replied with a sigh. “We’re in a swamp, so the wagon wheels would just sink under the weight of all of your useless garbage – not to mention all the souvenirs you’ll inevitably purchase and murder and steal during our family vacation. Remember, we have to make sure to leave room in our luggage. On top of that, we can’t even use the roads.” We agreed that would be too risky.

You know, because we were being hunted. Probably.

“Does that even matter now?” Fang snapped. “You have taken days. Also, you make this unholy racket and there’s the bonfire!”

He pointed at the truly massive blaze beside the equally impressive pile of snake meat smoking nearby. Not the scraps the babies were eating. These were neatly butchered slabs thicker than the length of my hand. Fang had done some shopping for our family vacation.

Uh, what was that? Why did the fire need to be so big?

Well, what can I say? I missed my sewer furnace. Plus, I had extra wood and the nimbus really seemed to give it some extra pep. [Engineering] called it an “accelerant.” Besides, it was also important to get the pan really hot before you add the meat. I’d learned that back in the sewer. That’s how you get a perfect sear – char black and crunchy.

“How long can we stay here? The Guides will find us!” Fang continued, wiping at his nose and sniffing hard. It sounded like he had a cold.

But I knew better. The reason he was so angsty and bitter and mean and ungrateful… or more than normal anyway, was because he was out of drugs. Seriously, I was impressed. It had only been a few days and there had been a lot of drugs.

Okay, maybe less after our bender in Emporos’ Death Wagon…

Although, the grumpies were easy for me to handle.

You see it now, right? All that was left were my nimbus gems.

My perfect, brilliant plan had finally come to fruition. One cultivated over cycles spent tucked away inside the Flow’s sphincter and sealed once he came crawling back to our [Bromance] on his hands and knees – just like I knew he would. I had him in the palm of my hand now. But I wasn’t going to be fooled this time. Sure, he wanted to get back together when it was convenient for him. When he needed me and my gems to overcome the excruciating withdrawal symptoms. But I was going to set firm boundaries from the get-go.

Specifically, by controlling the flow of nimbus gems.

Oh, how was I defending the bag? Good question!

“That literally no one asked,” Lili said with a sigh. “Can we please get back to the wagon? At this rate we’re never going to leave—”

She’s wrong again. This was brilliant. You see, I just chucked the bag as high up into the air as I could, then set two shadow portals – one on top of the other. Lili had to hold off on eating the crystals, of course, but she was still busy with the skill gems anyway. And the bag was too high up for Fang to reach it – and trust me, he’d tried. He could actually jump super high when he used his clones.

“That’s just the same trick you used on Maribel,” Lili drawled.

My left hand tickled as Maribel offered her agreement.

Wow. Why was no one ever on my side?

“Because your side is crazy!” Fang snapped. Apparently, that last one had been out loud. “Do you know how many monsters I have had to hunt while you worked on this—this insane, reject “wagon?” Dozens. You attract everything nearby with all of this banging and fire and yelling and blood and—”

He cut off as I threw him a nimbus gem, his pupils dilating as they traced its majestic arc in slow motion, his limbs freezing in place. Then the greedy trash goblin snatched it with barely a ripple from the mist. Damn, he was fast.

Also, busy now. Like I said, our [Bromance] was going great this time.

I wasn’t going to make the same mistakes.

“Better?” I asked moments later.

Fang sniffed hard, his eyes growing clearer. “Ahh… yes.”

See? Told you I had a way to manage the grumpies.

“Great. Because I was about to tell you that the wagon is almost ready!” I announced with a broad smile and a wave at my glorious new creation.

“Almost?” Fang demanded, glowing yellow eyes squeezed into a skeptical line.

My smile faltered. “Ahh, well, I mean, I haven’t tested it yet.”

“So, you don’t know if it even works?” Fang said, throwing up his hands. “This is what you get for trying to reinvent the wheel. It is silly and pointless.”

Okay, now my eye was twitching. But I was trying really hard not to fall back into old patterns. There were fewer opportunities out here to squeeze in my own [Therapy]. Especially since Fang hogged all of the kills.

“Look, my design makes sense… I think. [Engineering] says the tracks will work better in the marsh and long term, they will let us offroad in nearly any conditions – something about the surface area and weight or whatever. It’s complicated.”

“Will the snake spines hold?” Fang demanded.

“They… should.” They were really strong and the snakes had like a thousand ribs, apparently. They worked really well as tracks.

Another long, skeptical hiss. “You should test it first. Or the babies.”

Wow, that kind of hurt for some reason.

“I don’t even know why you’re so nervous,” I muttered.

It was a relatively normal wagon bed – one made of ancient timbers. I mean, it was kind of boat-shaped, but that’s just because it was easier than making it square again. Also, the weird tank tracks underneath made of huge, interlocking snake spines was a little off-putting, I’ll admit. But they weren’t dangerous now because we’d murdered the snakes already. It wasn’t like I could reanimate them.

Although, that would be super cool…

“You mounted the Kraell head to the front,” Fang said, pointing with a claw. He was right. I had. It was huge. As wide as I was tall – a skeletal, half-rotten fish face filled with a thousand razor-sharp teeth.

“That was my idea!” Lili practically shouted and I winced.

That was also correct. She told me it would help me make friends.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. I had follow-up questions too. But Lili insisted other people responded to confidence. And who could possibly be more confident than a guy that murdered a giant fish monster? Honestly, it was a fair point. I couldn’t think of anyone.

“I find it horrifying,” Fang continued.

The words “Me 2” scrolled up my arm in black lettering. I quickly covered them but it was too late – Fang had seen them. I really needed to shut that shit down.

“See. Lili agrees its stupid too,” Fang asked.

“Wait… what? No, it’s horrifying and awesome! Screw him. I don’t care if you two are back together now. Kill him and take his sweet, sweet nimbus!” Lili demanded.

There was another dark symbol on my arm now, but it looked pretty phallic. Luckily, Maribel helped out and automatically covered it with my left hand. Only for Lili to switch up the position, my left hand slapping my chest, my leg, my right hand…

Huh, I wonder if Lili could draw those images on my forehead? Luckily, she hadn’t thought of that yet. Whew. That was a scary thought.

Wait… shit, she could see my thoughts, couldn’t she?

“Yes. Great idea. Also, are we ever going to wrap this up?” Lili asked dryly.

Fang seemed to be thinking the same thing since he was staring at my magnificent wagon once more. “So, how does it move?”

“Uh, well, that’s sort of the problem,” I muttered.

I had an idea, but it wasn’t the best.

So, do you remember how my chain could make two portals? Like the two that were currently keeping the bag of nimbus out of his Fang’s greedy claws? Well, it turned out that they didn’t split the force coming from the original portal. So, if I attached the two chains to the wagon and pulled? Double the force! Isn’t destroying physics fun?

While I was feeling pretty amped up lately from Lili devouring all of my precious skill gems, and I had packed on a few extra pounds of pure muscle back in the gate, pulling my new wagon would still be a stretch by my lonesome – especially loaded down with several tons of garbage. But that’s where my babies came into play! I’d created a super cool harness that hooked over their shoulders and then attached to me.

Think of it like a car seat! Except on the outside of the vehicle. Honestly, that was probably safer anyway. Besides, they loved it—

What? Why are you looking at me like that?

Okay, fine, they hated it.

Although, I realized they probably just needed motivation… so, I also set up this fun little lure for them. Only the best for my babies.

Alright, you got me again. It was raw snake meat on a stick.

So, uh, a few minutes and some cursing later, there I was.

Meat stick in hand. Portals ready. Bags loaded. Babies buckled in. Bag of nimbus gems strapped to my chest extra tight so Fang couldn’t steal them.

This was the virgin voyage of my Death Wagon 1.0. Also, please keep in mind that this was a first try. I should still get credit even if it doesn’t work.

“There is no way this works,” Fang muttered as he looked on.

“Not with that attitude,” I muttered. But I’d been feeling great ever since Lili started eating those skill gems. Like I could scale mountains or beat sea serpents to death with my bare hands. Maybe this would help me burn off that energy? Plus, I had [Packmule], right?

Fang sighed. “I never thought I’d say this, but well… you aren’t fat enough.”

I turned slowly, staring. “What was that?”

“Ever since the gate, you have become much larger, bordering on rotund. Like a man-shaped mountain of crazy. I do not even know how it is possible to get this fat on a diet of rat meat. But you are still not large enough for this.”

His yellow eyes shifted to the stack of dried meat now sitting in the bed of the wagon. “Although, now I understand your eating problem.”

Wow. Just… wow.

“See? It doesn’t feel great when others point out your food issues,” Lili observed.

I’ll admit, Fang’s words did sting. My body image issues were already a sore spot. But I decided to channel that feeling of intense and unbridled rage and the desire to crush his stupid, slender, drug-addled face with my over-sized, ham-fist into something productive.

Like pulling the wagon.

My legs dug in and I gave the meat stick a good shake. The babies and I charged forward, straining against the chains and the weight of the wagon. It creaked, groaned, trembled… then began to roll forward gradually, shifting off the wooden risers I’d placed under the tracks. Then we started to pick up speed. Sure, it was ungodly heavy, but if we got it moving, [Engineering] said the momentum would help.

Moments later, the wagon slid to a stop and I let out a whoop of victory, the babies joining in with their wailing death chitter. They jumped on me and I gave them pets and kisses and bloody snacks because they were my perfect murder demons and they deserved it.

See? The family vacation was already bringing us closer together!

“How do you steer?” Fang grumbled suddenly.

We all froze in our celebration, turning to find the lizard standing there and staring at the wagon, arms crossed. What a killjoy. Plus, the answer was obvious!

“We don’t,” I answered simply.

Fang stared.

I stared back.

He blinked first. “How will this work then?” he nearly shouted.

“It’s easy, we’re just going in one direction. I built it facing the way we’d be traveling after we leave this incredibly scenic riverbank,” I explained calmly.

Seriously. Did he really think that little of me?

Fang looked off in the direction the wagon was pointed and his expression darkened, beads of moisture condensing along his scales. Was he… sweating? Nah, it was probably just the mist. Or maybe withdrawal? Hard to tell.

“North?” Fang hissed. “Isn’t that too obvious? The Guides will be searching for us already and they must be close after all this time. They will know you’re going after your sister. Why not east? Or west?”

I shrugged. Those were all good points. Except…

“Just a feeling. Lili agrees too.”

“I do!” she offered, my right hand curling into a corrupted thumbs up.

And he was right, building the wagon had taken a long time.

But, for some reason, I wasn’t too worried about that either.

When he saw we weren’t joking, Fang started yelling. Something about how we were crazy and we were all going to die and we didn’t even know what was waiting for us north of the swamp. Something about an impassable forest of death?

Whatever. I started to tune him out. It was impossible to talk to him when he got like this – when he stopped listening. Besides, did he really expect to have any say over our itinerary when he hadn’t even helped me plan our trip? When he’d made me shoulder all of the emotional, and intellectual, and physical demands of planning a family vacation?

Typical. See what I mean? It was far too easy to slip back into old habits.

But I wasn’t going to let Fang’s negativity get me down! We were finally ready!

The wagon was packed, the babies were buckled in and Fang and I had even agreed to start a new chapter in our [Bromance] – this time with healthy boundaries! I didn’t know a lot. Like what we would find, or if my wagon would hold together, or how we would all ultimately die. I mean, I knew it was going to be gruesome, of course, but the specifics were still cloudy. I’ve always loved surprises.

Anyway, I only knew one thing for sure…

This was going to be the best family road trip ever!