Chapter 10 - Delicacy

Screaming Bamboo Forest

Nyx

There hadn’t been a lot of food choices back in the lair.

I mean, I’d made do. The problem was that there just weren’t many options, and the rat meat was really best when grilled char black and extra crunchy. Of course, I tried to mix it up. Burgers and rat steaks and salads. To spice it up. Just a healthy, heaping coating of dried death shroom. But, ultimately, it was still just the same thing.

Day in and day out.

Cycle after cycle.

Murder after murder.

Which meant the snake meat had been a delicacy. Something new; something that had sent my budding genius into full bloom. Just think of it! I could have sliced it up the snake meat into perfect, thick rings that would have just barely fit into my big frying pot. And there was so much fat – almost too much. Like the snakes had been gorging on something. Probably Silverfin.

And then came the inevitable, buzzing, inspired questions.

What if I brought the fat up to a boil? What if I dropped the snake meat into that vat of seething, roiling deliciousness? Oh! And what if I had something I could put on the snake first? Like a crust or flour maybe? I could have made snake tempura.

Which was a delightfully fun word. Tempura. Tempura. Teeeempuuuura.

No idea where I’d learned it or what it meant, but it made my stomach growl.

Unfortunately, Fang hadn’t shared my enthusiasm. In fact, he hadn’t even let me pull out my cookware or spend any time setting up a new kitchenette. Although, at least I got the fire pit set up before he stopped me. He kept complaining that we were “being hunted” and I was “wasting time” and we were “all going to die.”

Yet that brief moment had awoken something in me.

A brilliant, inspired, blooming hunger.

Which was why I was super excited to try the demon-monkey sliders sizzling on my awesome new camping grill! I’d even prepared a bamboo salad and grilled a couple more slices for the buns.

Minor, unforeseen downside? When you cut it, the bamboo lets out a tortured, wailing, death scream that cuts straight through your soul. It… well, I almost had second thoughts for a minute there. Me! The same guy that killed all those kraell babies!

It just raised weird questions.

Like was this wrong? Was I murdering a helpless plant or… something else? Would this only add more karmic baggage to my newfound soul – I mean, I was still adjusting to the idea of having a spirit of my own, you know? And I was starting to think that maybe different types of spirits were like different people? Like if you had a fiery personality, did you come back as a fire spirit? In which case, what kind of spirit was I? A ‘genius spirit’ probably. I’d also never seen a ‘badass spirit’ in person, but it could exist, right? Either way, now that I had one, I definitely didn’t want to mess it up somehow!

On the other hand… the bamboo tasted amazing.

Sweet, crisp, just a little salty.

Somehow, that made it easier to look past the moral and potentially devastating spiritual consequences of murdering these helpless, screaming plants… also the demon monkeys, I guess. I felt less bad about that.

“Right? I’ve been trying to tell you this for a long time,” Lili observed. “How can something that tastes so good possibly be bad for you?"

She had a point. Maybe I should have listened.

What was that? Why are you looking so frustrated?

I’m sorry. I can’t understand you when you’re all screaming like that.

Maybe we could do like a charades sort of thing. You just—

Ahh, yeah… like that.

Are you licking your hand? The back of your hand? Like a cat—

Ahh, I got it! You want to know how I butchered the demon monkeys!

“I really, really don’t think that’s it,” Lili muttered.

Of course it was. And thanks for asking! Fang just watched without helping at all and spent waaay too much time laughing at me. See? Now you’re interested right?

Butchering the monkeys turned out to be much harder than it looked. I mean, they were all still alive – just twitching on the ground – so the meat was super fresh. The problem was more the flaming poo. I tried cutting one open and, well…

It exploded. Everywhere.

Like a monkey-shaped mine.

And to be clear, it was a shit-splosion. I mean, I was used to the blood and entrails and such, but I wasn’t expecting the blast of flaming shit.

Yeah, you’re right. I probably should have.

Although, I was able to run a few experiments, at least. And since the monkeys were paralyzed… yeah, you could just sort of twist ‘em a little and the poo came flowing out. It was much cleaner and safer that way. The shit caught fire when exposed to the air, which I guess explained why the monkeys weren’t spontaneously exploding. And why cutting into them caused them to explode? A buildup of pressure from the heat and released gases. Or, at least, that’s what [Engineering] told me.

However, the shit also had phases! Sticky and flaming at first, and then once the mist extinguished the fire – wham, it puffed up and turned rock solid. [Engineering] said it “cured” into something similar to “concrete.” Although, this version was super heavy, basically indestructible and impervious to poison, acid, water, and fire. Seriously, I couldn’t even melt it not matter how hot I got my new furnace.

I was calling it Poo-Crete®.

I’m sure some of you see it now, right?

Yeah, I had a new building material!

Actually, you should see all the stuff I built! The very first thing was the furnace and kitchenette over there next to the Poison Kitty – it really likes the heat for some reason—

What? Why are you all pointing at the cat?

Wait… oh, I get it! You were asking about Poison Kitty earlier, right?

Whew, sorry. It’s been a day.

The story has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.

Uh, so do you want to know what happened or—

Okay, geez, I’ll take the screaming as a yes.

Anyway, I’m actually a little proud about that.

Yeah, that’s right. You’re looking at the reigning champion of the Screaming Bamboo Forest – at least, when it comes staring contests. The Blinkless Wonder. The StareMaster. The king of creep.

I know, I know, the things I do for family, right?

Somewhat eye-ronically, it actually wasn’t that hard. Fang and the babies eventually got tired of throwing knives at me. That only lasted for a few hours until my special, perfect angels got bored. They were cute, but they got distracted easily. After that there was some screaming and then Fang just got really super quiet for a day or two.

Sure, maybe this was extreme. Maybe I was doing that thing again – building stuff up in my head. Technically, I broke my own rule! I didn’t stop when Fang started screaming. I just couldn’t let them down! Family bonding activities were important. Critical really.

Yeah, that’s right. I did this for Fang. Also, my babies.

Definitely not for me. Even though I wanted the victory sash so bad—

Anyway, eventually, well… the poison kitty fell asleep.

Hey! Why do you all look so skeptical?

That’s really what happened!

“C’mon, tell them, Lili,” I insisted.

“Uh…” she muttered.

“Really?” I demanded. “You’re going to play it like that? Just because I wouldn’t let you eat the Poison Kitty?”

“It looks so tasty – all that juicy nimbus,” she cooed.

See? She just has an eating disorder. The Poison Kitty totally fell asleep.

In fact, it was still asleep. Even the death wails of the bamboo hadn’t woken it up. It must have been really tired. Or maybe I’d lost track of time—

“You did! It’s been a week!” Fang snapped, stabbing a claw in my face.

I glanced at him, blinked once, then shook my head. “Nah, couldn’t have been.”

“It was! I’ve told you this already. You also refused to give me any gems and every time I got close to you and that—that monster… it started to attack me. I had to gnaw on the wagon to get even small scraps of sweet, sweet nimbus—”

He cut off abruptly as I turned, wide-eyed, steam wafting away from the demon monkey burger perched on my spatula. “Uh, what did you just say?”

“N-nothing,” he stumbled, looking anywhere but at me.

“Really? Because it sounded like you ate part of my wagon.”

“You were imagining things again. You do this.”

I squinted at him, then glanced at the wagon. It was covered in poo-crete, most of it quite solid by now. That… wasn’t ideal. Although, it looked like a lot had been chiseled away while it was still soft and pliable, claw marks etched in the side. Almost like someone had been digging to find that tender, nimbus-filled wood just underneath all that partially-solidified monkey crap—

Fang shifted position, blocking my line of sight. Not a great sign.

We locked eyes – me, spatula in hand; Fang, looking really suspicious.

“Your burgers are burning.”

He was right, but somehow, it felt like he was just trying to deflect. We would have to settle this later. If, indeed, he’d damaged my Death Wagon 1.0, this wasn’t over.

I flipped the burgers off the grill, onto their wailing bamboo buns – which only moaned softly now – and soon slapped down six plates at the makeshift table I’d made out of more bamboo and some poo-crete. It’s okay, I had Fang make a misty or three to clean them off really well. Plus, there was the fire. It was totally sanitary.

My left hand tickled and the murder babies came scurrying out of the bamboo forest, taking up their seats with practiced ease. Even Fang settled reluctantly into his place. We all reached out, taking hands – we had to say the dinner mantra, after all.

However, everyone froze as a rustle came from behind us. Not that I could see why they were so worried. The Poison Kitty had just woken up from his nap. Ahh, he was stretching and his spines looked so pretty in the firelight, flickering and flashing. Then he noticed the new blanky I’d made for him. Did he love it as much as I thought he would—

Ahh, no. He hated it. Wow. I mean, those spines shredded it super fast.

“Nyx… Nyx, do something,” Fang hissed out of the corner of his mouth while pivoting around behind our babies – like he planned to use them as living shields.

“This is it. We’re all going to die! I told you to eat the kitty!” Lili snapped.

Maribel just softly patted my right hand as though to console her.

Wow. What was their problem?

“Hey, sorry about the blanket. It was probably a stupid idea,” I called out.

Fang sucked in a sharp breath as the beast turned. All six of its lovely, glowing green eyes locked on us.

“Come on, I made a place for you!” I called out, patting a spot beside me – one where a much, much larger sixth plate sat. One heaped up with a few dozen demon monkey burgers. “See? I made some for you too.”

The Poison Kitty just looked at me… looked at the burgers… back at me. Then the monster blinked in confusion. Meanwhile, Fang and Lili cursed softly and it looked like the babies had stopped breathing. Wow. I thought they would have more faith in their [Battle Daddy]. Wasn’t I the Screaming Bamboo Forest’s reigning staring contest champion?

Luckily, I had a secret weapon. One perfectly suited for subduing monsters.

I just waved my hand over the burger in the direction of the Poison Kitty, the mixture of smoke and steam wafting toward the monster.

Then the creature sniffed tentatively at the air, its spines flattened back, and it slowly slinked forward. When no one made any move to attack, it came up to the table and sat back on its haunches before lunging at the pile of burgers—

Only for me to slap its snout.

“Manners,” I barked. “We still have to say the mantra.”

And now everyone all staring at me like I was crazy – including Poison Kitty. Even my murder babies. They chittered to each other under their breath and wow did their eyes sparkle as they watched me. I’ll admit, I liked that. See? It was totally worth it.

Meanwhile, Fang just made this weird and incredibly high-pitched gurgling sound, his hands clenched tight around his daggers.

“Why are you freaking out?” I asked him. “I mean, I’m the staring contest champion now. Poison Kitty knows not to mess with me. That’s why I’m wearing the sash.”

“I have told you so many times… that sash means nothing. Also, it is hideous.”

Oh, really? I guess I was just going to have to prove my point.

The poison kitty growled at me and I met its gaze evenly. “Oh, what was that? Did you want to have another staring contest?” I demanded, pointing at my sash.

Another long pause. But the poison kitty broke eye contact first.

“See?” I demanded, whirling back to Fang.

Unbeknownst to me, the Poison Kitty’s spines flared out behind my back, its eyes pulsing with an ominous emerald energy as it eyed our dysfunctional family with ravenous delight. Fang opened his mouth… closed it… opened it again—

Ahh, he’d lost the ability to speak, just pointing behind me.

I turned to find Poison Kitty sitting there demurely, calming licking a paw.

See? He was completely harmless. I guess that just wasn’t enough proof. It was going to take another push to bring Fang and the creature together.

“Hold Fang’s hand,” I demanded, pointing to Fang on the other side of Poison Kitty.

The kitty froze, all six eyes narrowing, darting between me and Fang.

“Nyx, please…” Fang hissed under his breath. Wow, he was really damp now.

The kitty didn’t seem keen either, eyeing the lizard in disgust.

“Do it. Both of you. That’s a command from your staring contest champion – ahh, and the owner of this big bag of nimbus gems,” I added when Fang opened his mouth to object to my hard-won new title. Again.

His jaw snapped shut, the pair glared at each other, then they each slowly reached out, reluctantly touching just the smallest piece of scale and the tip of a deadly, venom infused death spike. Good enough. See? The sash did have powers.

“Okay, now give me your paw,” I said to the monster beside me.

Poison Kitty didn’t hesitate that time. Its paw landed in my lap in an instant. Woah, it was really sharp. Like cuddling a bundle of knives. Luckily, I had some experience with that already. Plus, the wounds went numb really fast, which was actually pretty convenient. Although, no wonder Poison Kitty and Fang didn’t get along.

They were basically the same creature.

“You are insane,” Fang hissed.

“Agreed,” Lili muttered. “You sure I can’t just have a little nibble? The poison kitty just has so much nimbus… like more than it really needs, right?”

“No.”

“What if I say the mantra?”

“Still no.”

“Damn it.”

Then I recited the dinner mantra. Strangely, we didn’t even need to change up the words. They still worked out here in the Five Rivers. Weird, right?

“We thank ourselves for being such amazing hunters and surviving this cesspit of hell. We deserve every bit of this food. May the Flow dry up and go fuck itself. Amen.”

Three squeaks, some cussing, a frustrated growl and then we dove in. As a family.

And the burgers were just as delicious as I imagined!

Unfortunately, like most things, it was over far too fast.

At which point, the poison kitty just stood up, paced back to the fire, curled up, and went back to sleep. Well, sort of. Two sets of eyes kept watch on us. It was creepy. Also, I really wished I had an extra set of eyes…

That probably would have helped me appreciate would happened next. My murder babies approached the monster slowly, the eyes tracking them. But when it didn’t react, they promptly cuddled up to next to it, its spines flat and no longer dangerous. Moments later, the four of them were snoozing softly. Sure, keeping my babies here was draining nimbus and I’m sure Lili would get upset, but—

“Nah, it’s fine. We have lots now after I ate the skill gems.”

I winced. Ahh… yeah. Great.

But before I couldn’t even dive into that problem, Fang turned to me, his eyes large and round and looking straight into my soul. Then he said this.

“I wish to talk about your… your feelings.”

Okay, everything else could wait. My immortal soul. Wasting my skill gems. The adorable and horrifying sight of my murder babies snuggled up to the second place staring champion of the screaming bamboo forest. All of it.

Because I had been waiting for this moment my entire life.