Chapter 11 - Feelings

Act cool. Just fucking act cool, Nyx. You can do this.

“You really can’t.” That was Lili.

But I could. I had to. For the sake of my poor feelings.

“Oh. You do?” I asked, my voice cracking only slightly.

“Yes,” Fang hissed. “I was waiting until you finished doing… all of this,” he said, waving at the very basic and barebones camp that I’d built. “I wanted to be sure you were able to focus. Because we must discuss your feelings.”

I know. I know. He’s done this to me before.

Led me on. Walked my fragile ego right up to the cliff-edge with promises of praise and emotional connection and physical affection and—and even his respect…

Just to tip my brilliant-yet-sometimes-charmingly-gullible-self right over that edge, watch me wail and scream, and then laugh as my confidence was shattered beyond repair.

But I still wanted to hope, you know? To dream?

Is that so wrong—

“Why are we heading north?” Fang demanded.

I could only stare back, my mind going suddenly blank.

“What? What do you mean? Didn’t you say you wanted to talk about my feelings—”

“I do. That is what you said, no?” Fang interrupted, glaring at me with those glowing yellow snake eyes. “It is these—these feelings you and Lili have that make you go north.”

He flicked his tongue on that last one. Like he had a bad taste in his mouth.

“Ahh. Uh, so those were the feelings you were talking about?” I asked, my voice cracking again. Barely. And that moisture around my eyes was mist, thank you very fucking much. I was still cool. So super cool. Like ice.

“More like a lukewarm puddle.” Lili again. She definitely wasn’t helping.

“Yes! Why are we heading north?” Fang demanded, shaking his head. “The horny moose and the cold-face elf lady must be following us, this is an obvious direction, and you have wasted so much time. You are often crazy and you babble too much and your ideas are incredibly dangerous… but usually you still make sense. Of a sort. Sometimes.”

“Uh… thanks, I think?” I offered, frowning.

That was a compliment, right? Sort of?

“No. Not really,” Lili yet again.

Then she sighed. “He does have a point. You’re going to have to just tell him the truth. We can’t keep dodging this forever – even though you really, really tried here.”

She was right. Damn it. I hated when that happened. Apparently, running away from your problems was only effective in the short term… or if your problems were just super slow. But mine had all his stat points in Agility.

I guess it was time to face the music.

So, I looked Fang in the eyes, leaned forward, took his hands – not because I had to – it just felt right. And then I told him the truth.

“I have no idea. Lili told me to do it.”

“What!?” Okay, that was both of them that time.

“Why do you trust her to—?”

“Why would you blame me for—?”

Huh, so, in my defense, this idea had seemed like a great one at the time. Except now I was just getting yelled at by two people that couldn’t hear each other.

Maybe this wasn’t my best, but it wasn’t entirely a deflection!

“Just give me a chance to explain,” I said to them both.

Fang didn’t look convinced, and Lili was just grumbling, expletives rolling up my arm. She was getting pretty creative, even if the name calling was really hurtful.

“Okay, so Lili had a feeling that we needed to head north—

“That is the same thing you just said!” Fang snapped.

“And that isn’t the whole story.” Lili that time.

“Uh, yeah. I know. You have to let me finish.”

His jaw snapped closed and Lili reluctantly shut up.

“Unfortunately, Lili can’t really explain why she feels that way. Her memories are… fuzzy. Incomplete. Unlike Maribel, she can’t remember who she is or how she died.”

All true and Lili wasn’t cursing any more – she’d gone really quiet instead.

Now that I was thinking about it, you know what was even more strange? Why couldn’t Maribel talk? Like she was roughly the same age as Lili – in spirit years or whatever – I think? And she could definitely talk back in the gate, right? Sort of? What was different now? Maybe the amount of nimbus? Huh, if that was right, then what would happen if I gave Maribel more of my vessel? Would she have more nimbus and then be able to—

“Not fucking happening. I get the big room. She gets that hand,” Lili snapped.

Didn’t love that she was referring to my body as her “room.”

Also, why did she say it that way? What was wrong with my left hand—

“You know exactly what! I’m just the spirit of a real girl, remember? One stuck inside your body. Your whole, entire body,” Lili snapped. I’ll be honest, it felt like she was mocking me somehow. “Do you seriously not remember—

She cut herself off. “No, no this is what you want isn’t it? To distract me?”

Uh, no… never. I wouldn’t do that – go on a tangent to avoid a problem.

“I think I hate you,” Lili muttered.

Oh yeah, and Fang was still glaring at me suspiciously.

“Ahh. Anyway, like I was saying,” I continued, “I trust her, so I took Lili at her word. She hasn’t ever tried to steer us wrong – at least, that I’ve noticed,” I offered with a shrug.

Fang glared some more – not looking convinced. Then he caved, his shoulders slumping forward. “I guess… I guess you are right.”

“Ahh, he really trusts me!” Lili purred.

Good thing too. Now I didn’t have to tell him the truth! Although, I can’t believe he bought that crock of kraell shit—

“What did you just say?” Lili snapped.

Damn it. I thought that one too loud, didn’t I?

“I’m going to take control of your body and make you tell him—”

“No, no, no, I’ll tell him the truth,” I shot back quickly.

Ahh. That one was out loud, wasn’t it?

Yup, Fang was glaring again, glowing yellow eyes squashed flat.

“What was that about the truth?” he demanded, claws tapping at the poo-crete table. Were they always that sharp? Huh, the nail beds were way healthier now they’d he’d slowed down on the drugs. Maybe the staring contest had been good for him.

Oh, and now they were tapping more rapidly, Fang growing impatient.

Okay, sober-adjacent Fang was a mixed bag, honestly.

“Ahh, right, so about that… there may have been some additional evidence that helped convince me that we should head north,” I said, with a big smile.

That just seemed to make him glare harder.

The seconds ticked past, neither of us budging.

And then, “What evidence?” Fang hissed.

Damn, I was hoping he’d missed that. Maybe I could tell him—

“Nyx,” Lili growled, my right hand rising and preparing for a slap.

Ahh, and Fang was looking at the hand now.

“Um, okay, so I may not have been entirely forthright about the extent of my mental health, um… issues, I guess you could call them.”

“How so?” he asked archly.

“So, uh, you know Asshole-Me, right?”

“Unfortunately.”

That still stung for some reason.

“Yeah, well, so you know I can hear him, right?”

He nodded. Of course.

“Well, I can also see him.”

Another big smile. It was important to really stretch it until it hurt. Yep, you can do this, me! Kill him with kindness.

“See him?” Fang echoed.

I know it was a lot to process. He probably needed some time to digest—

“Just him?” Fang interrupted my thoughts.

Wait… what? Why would he ask that? Like seriously, why? Did I somehow broadcast I was talking to a bunch of other people? I thought I was super discreet! Can you believe this cold-blooded and entirely-too-observant jerk?

So, naturally, I said, “Yep, of course.”

“Then who were you talking to just then?”

Fuuuuuuuck. That had to be Lili’s fault.

“Nope, you just weren’t paying attention,” she replied.

A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.

I sighed. Fine. It looked like the audience was out of the bag.

“A lot of people actually,” I said, crossing my arms. Not because I was defensive. It was just more comfortable that way. “They’re, uh, totally real… you just can’t see them.”

Fang was nodding, taking out his little journal and his pen. What was that for? What was he writing? I wasn’t sure I liked this new direction at all—

“So, what do these imaginary people look like?” Fang asked, his forked tongue licking the pen tip as he watched me with suddenly-clinical yellow snake eyes.

Shit. Lili was also raising my hand like she was going to slap me and Fang’s pen was making this irritating scratching sound that was super distracting – maybe too distracting to control my nimbus while dodging his questions. And Lili’s slaps really hurt now even with my [Pain Tolerance]. It was hard being this awesome sometimes.

Which meant there was only one way out of this.

“They look like—like me.”

Fang stared a moment, jotted another note, then looked back at me. It was worrying me that he wasn’t reacting at all. “How many of these other—” he checked his notes, “crazy assholes do you see? Sorry, the Flow’s words, not mine. I must be accurate for the record,” he explained before I could object.

What record?! Who was going to read this?

He’d done this same shit back in the gate with my so-called “debt.”

“Subject is easily distracted…” Fang murmured. Another scribble.

I glared at him and then glanced at the mists around us. They were filled with my alter-egos. Just standing there and staring and laughing and judging. I wasn’t sure if this was all of the other mes. I had a feeling it wasn’t even close. Which was concerning.

Seriously, the clearing was super crowded.

“Um, lots,” I offered. “Hundreds maybe?”

My palm inched closer, darkness threading the skin.

“Or, uh, thousands,” I corrected myself.

Another note and Fang’s fingers were trembling this time. “Ahh…”

Then he just trailed off, his eyes shot back to his notebook, and he started writing again. Who does that? And why? Why was he writing this down? Also, isn’t that kind of insulting? Like this revelation wasn’t even important enough for him to remember?

You know what? This was waaay less fun than [Therapy].

“Hey, I know this sounds, well, a little—

“Crazy?” Fang offered.

“You know I don’t like that word,” I retorted. He just sniffed and made another note.

“As I was saying, I don’t think I’m hallucinating them,” I continued. “They’ve been responding to my questions, like nodding and shaking their heads.”

“So, they confirmed Lili’s… feelings then?” Fang asked. He glanced down at his journal again. “These imaginary people in the mist that look like you?”

Okay, when he said it like that it sounded crazy.

Which probably meant he wasn’t going to like this next part…

“Uh, not exactly.”

“Oh.” He steepled his hands. “How did they react then?”

“They, uh… they shook their heads. All of their heads. Vigorously,” I replied.

Another note and a long, slow hisssss of disappointment.

“Hey, but hear me out! The other mes could be out to get me!”

“Ahh, paranoia again,” Fang observed, nodding. Another damn note!

What. The. Fuck.

He should know better than anyone that I wasn’t paranoid—

“No, not paranoia. The universe hates!” I snapped at him, stabbing my forefinger into my forehead. “Like, think about it. If everything is out to get me, why not these other mes? This could all be some sort of complicated trap! So, I decided to go with Lili.”

“Ahh, so you trust me then—” Lili began happily.

“I mean, if I die, then she loses her vessel, right?” I finished.

That was also one of the foundations of a perfect relationship, I’d decided.

No – not prioritizing the same principles. I can see how you might have leaped to that conclusion, but it’s wrong. So wrong. That was just a side effect of the important bit.

I meant mutually assured destruction.

It was up there with blackmail, honestly.

What was that? That’s just another form of blackmail?

Shit… okay. Um, well, maybe it really is just blackmail all the way down then…

“Subject has deep-seated trust issues,” Fang murmured, writing again.

“And lizards in glass houses shouldn’t be throwing rusty knives,” I muttered.

He just sniffed again. Sniffed! “So, that was it? That was your plan? Trust Lili because the other imaginary yous might be out to get you… or themself? Because this is better? Trusting the parasite that wishes to take over your vessel and devour the world?”

“Of course not!” I snapped without thinking. “I don’t trust Lili either. So, I wasted a ton of time so I could run out the cooldown timer on [Phone-an-Asshole]. Then I could just ask him why the other mes were so reluctant to head north. You know, hedge my bets—”

It all came flooding out in a rush. I couldn’t help it.

Which is probably why I suddenly ended up face down in a pile of still-curing Poo-Crete, my face throbbing. Although the cold felt nice. I was guessing Lili wasn’t happy that I didn’t completely trust her after everything we’d gone through.

“Yeah, no shit, you asshole—” she began.

Which—which I guess implied that she… she must care about me, didn’t it? Why else would that upset her? Cause her to lash out emotionally like that?

“I really do hate you,” she muttered.

Heh. No, she didn’t. I just proved it.

Although, it was hard to feel good about that right now.

Especially since Fang was still staring down at me triumphantly. Poo-Crete clinging to my face. My inner secrets laid bare to both him and his damn notebook.

I was never going to live this down, was I?

Wow. I never thought I’d experience this.

Overwhelming defeat, I mean.

Is… is this what it felt like to be Fang?

“What did you just say?” he hissed, those eyes looming close.

“Sorry, it just slipped out. I can’t help it. Crazy asshole, remember?”

I raised a challenging eyebrow. That’s right. I was going to lean into it! Maybe my fragile hold on my own sanity was a feature – not a horrible and crippling weakness.

Fang frowned, flicked his tongue at their air, then shook his head. “No, you will not distract me. Your plan was less stupid than I thought. Do it.”

“Do what?” I asked, staring blankly.

He rubbed at temple as he let out a hissing sigh. “Call Asshole-Me.”

“Uh, okay… that’s, I mean… sure.”

Shit. It felt weird doing it with him staring like that. Oh, well, there was nothing—

Fang raised a scaly claw before I could do anything. “Also, Lili will translate for me.” The wary trash goblin leaned forward, snatching my arm – the one with the chain – and pulling it close, sliding my sleeve back to reveal bare skin.

“Hey, are you saying you don’t trust me?”

He just stared back. He didn’t even bother to respond.

Wow. That was harsh.

I swallowed and then, well, I [Phoned an Asshole].

Which didn’t take long – I mean, he was standing right there.

“Fucking finally!” Asshole-Me snapped, stabbing a misty finger at me as he somehow regained his voice. “That took forever. All of that inane bullshit about your wagon and your babies and this coked-up lizard daddy here.”

“He’s here,” I offered for Fang’s benefit. “He says hi.”

My right arm itched and Fang hissed angrily, his claws digging into my skin, little pricks of blood welling. “I am not a coked-up… lizard daddy!”

“Ahh, so Lili is translating, hmm?” Asshole-Me, observed, watching the corrupted text scroll up my arm. He leaned close to Fang, watching him with a grin. “Nyx nibbles on you while you sleep. Every. Single. Night.”

“Lili, stop—” I began.

“Sorry, but I can’t be trusted,” she replied in an irritated voice. “If it helps, think of this as couple’s therapy, but with less murder.”

What was even the point then!?

Shit, no… she was just distracting me from—

Too late. The words were already appearing along my arm, Fang’s pupils going super wide – like he’d just spied a nimbus gem cache. Shit.

“Fang, uh, I think, it’s important for you to remember that Asshole-Me is well… an asshole,” I began. “Also, he’s me, so he’s probably a liar too!”

I didn’t love having to make that argument, but it worked.

Fang glared at the words suspiciously, then at me, then just growled in frustration.

“Wow. I was expecting him to at least try to eat you,” Asshole-Me observed in a bored voice. “Looks like you really domesticated this Fang. Pity. Mine was more fearsome.”

Now I was having trouble focusing on Fang – and the fact that Lili was already translating. What had Asshole-Me just said?

“Wait, what do you mean—”

I froze and Asshole-Me’s smile widened.

“Do not waste your question,” Fang snapped, his claws stabbing into my arm. “You are right. He is a liar – an even bigger asshole than you. I know what you are thinking, that is impossible. But it is not. We must be careful.”

Mixed feelings there across the board.

But he was also right? Asshole-Me was trying to bait me into burning the cooldown again. That begged the question of why, of course. But I couldn’t just ask that either.

“What should we ask him then, Fang?” I said, adding some emphasis just to be clear.

Asshole-Me was frowning now. Okay, that was better.

“Nothing,” Fang answered finally.

“I don’t know—wait, what?” I asked. “Why nothing?”

“Yeah, what’s his angle here?” Asshole-Me muttered, looking irritated.

Fang just shrugged. “You were right last time. He doesn’t know anything. We did just fine without him actually. What will we get this time? Another riddle?”

Asshole-Me snorted. “You only survived because of my riddle—err, I mean my hint,” he snapped. “Besides, this stupid skill has rules – rules I have to follow. You think I just love standing here and watching this crazy asshole fuck everything up?” he demanded. He was kind of shouting at Fang – not that the lizard seemed affected. He just read my arm calmly.

“You don’t have a clue where you’re heading right now – what’s lying in wait for you. A mountain of bullshit that makes that other gate look like a fucking cakewalk.”

Fang crossed his arms. “We can handle it. See?”

He waved at the Poison Kitty napping with my babies and my Poo-Crete covered Death Wagon… oh and also the huge pile of paralyzed demon monkeys.

Asshole-Me looked stumped for a second but then whirled back to Fang, stabbing a finger at him. “Whatever. All I see a caravan of madness hurtling straight into a tornado of shit. And even if you can handle a fight, there are other things you can’t face, can you, Fang? You know what’s north of here, don’t you? What’s waiting for all of you?

The sneaky trash goblin was suddenly having trouble making eye contact. Did he seem… nervous? He was doing that suspicious sweating thing again. Or maybe he just compulsively bathed when he was anxious?

“Wait, what are you talking about?” I interjected and Fang winced.

Asshole-Me’s smile widened. “Idiots,” he muttered.

Wait… Oh, shit. I just asked a question, didn’t I?

“Ahh, he hasn’t told you yet, has he?” Asshole-Me drawled, looking at me with a smirk. Man, I just wanted to punch his stupid, ugly face so bad. “I wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise though. You should really see it for yourself. Yep, head north. That seems like a perfect idea. You’ll end up learning all of Fang’s secrets that way.”

I was hating the sarcasm… but loving the rest.

“Anyway, peace out, assholes.”

Then Asshole-Me strode off into the mist.

Which left me and Fang and Lili and the Poison Kitty and my murder babies and my Death Wagon 1.0, minus whatever Fang had eaten.

So, it was probably more like a .5 now.

Also, uh, the rest of you, of course.

“What was he talking about, Fang?” I demanded.

It was the lizard’s turn to look away. “Nothing. It is just… I have some history there – the place we’re heading. It is uncomfortable for me. I would appreciate space and for you to respect my privacy. The considerate hunter respects boundaries.”

Hmm. That one was new. Also, convenient.

Although, this explained why Fang was so insistent on going anywhere else. Why he’d manufactured this entire encounter – had backed me into a corner.

Frankly, I was pretty impressed.

But now I was also super curious!

I mean, what could he be hiding? A secret family – you know, the not dead kind? Oh, or wait! What if he had a mistress? Or maybe it was something really humiliating? Like did he secretly do improv? Modern, interpretive dance? There had been that time back in the gate – you know when he tapped his traps with his little blood dagger…

“Or what if he’s a wanted lizard?” Lili added, excitement coloring her voice. “Like maybe he murdered someone? Like a ton of someones!”

“Are you joking? He was super weak before the gate. He probably just stole their stuff and ran away.”

“Ahh, you’re right. Way more likely.”

Fang flinched as the words kept scrawling down my skin, but he just crossed his arms and his jaw snapped shut with a click. “Not telling,” he grunted.

“Oh c’mon, you have to tell us! Pleeeaaase? You made me tell you about my mental health challenges—you even forced me. Twisted my arm. I mean, technically that was Lili, but we both know you tricked her into it. You clever lizard, you.”

Okay, he wasn’t glaring any more. He liked that, huh? Compliments?

Shame he’d never given me any. Ever.

But he still wasn’t talking.

Luckily, I had a backup plan for that.

“What about for some nimbus gems?” I asked.

He twitched! I saw it!

“N-no… not even for that.”

Oh. My. Gods.

Which meant whatever this was – it had to be amazing, right? Better than drugs even!

But the tight-lipped, hypocritical trash goblin wasn’t going to give it up. Which just meant we needed to make it to this town even faster. Unfortunately, there was a screaming bamboo forest in the way – one that made it hard to pull the wagon. Plus, it was still partially covered in Poo-Crete. Even if I cleaned it up and made a few small upgrades, another barrage of flaming shit and our tracks would get locked up and we’d be stranded.

And then there was the bamboo forest. It was already regrowing, weird tendrils emerging from the fragments of torn plant flesh, hunting for other scraps before pulling them inside the tube and devouring them. Even if we cut through it somehow, it would just keep regrowing. How would we—

I hesitated, my brow furrowing as I noticed something intriguing.

The bamboo was regrowing, cannibalizing itself, and forming new stalks all throughout the clearing. Well, almost. There were a few patches where the bamboo wasn’t growing, where it seemed trapped – ringed by a fresh line of Poo-Crete.

Almost like it couldn’t cross that thin line of monkey shit.

In that moment, a new plan bloomed in my mind. A new project.

Except the wagon would be heavy with the upgrades I had in mind. Maybe too heavy for me and the babies to pull it. Yet a smile crept across my face as my eyes locked on the cutest sight in the Outer Reaches – my babies cuddling a second-rate staring contestant.

Maybe there was another way…

“Ooooh, I like this plan!” Lili purred. “Rivers of nimbus and bloody carnage!”

“Nyx? I do not like this expression – this creepy thing you are doing with your lips,” Fang murmured. “What are you planning?” he demanded, suspiciously.

“Lili, what is he thinking?” he yelled into my ear.

Except this time, only question marks rippled up my arm.

Accompanied by the sound of Lili’s cackling.

We were back, baby. A united front.

I hated this new couple’s therapy, but it was still effective.

My smile just widened. “Oh, it’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

Now Fang looked terrified. Which was perfect.

A family vacation should push you out of your comfort zone. It should inspire you to try new things, see new places, taste new food, and murder entirely different species. However, our vacation had been missing something – something important.

What was a road trip… without a road?