Chapter 20 - Pre-Apati

We rolled in like a thunderstorm. A billowing wave of mist a mile wide that swept across the wasteland. The moisture was so dense that rain pitter pattered the mud.

And, of course, it wouldn’t be a storm without thunder.

A moaning, grinding, chittering, squeaking, wailing, shrieking cacophony of sound – like the roar of some desperate murderous beast. One that wished to bathe in the blood of thousands, always hungry but never full. A hollow, all-consuming void that threatened to devour the whole of the Five Rivers.

We strode from that darkness – Fang and I.

Each of us fully in character – each of us embracing the roleplay.

And you know the most important part of platonic, adult roleplay? That’s right! Costumes! My body was completely covered in a very thick ratskin cloak. Also, my face. Fang had insisted it gave me an air of mystery. Then he launched into a long rant about how we shouldn’t scare the townsfolk. I’m still not sure how those two things were related.

And Fang? Well, Fang was roleplaying a grouchy asshole.

To his credit, he was fucking nailing it.

“This is not normal,” Fang hissed, glaring at me.

“I told you already. We have to make an entrance to my—”

His eyes narrowed. Oh yeah. Right. Bonus Rule #4.

I was supposed to act surprised for my party.

“My, uh… first city since the gate. Yeah, that’s what I meant. Besides, I’ve been good. Look, we’re walking like you wanted. I even parked the wagon and the tricycle back in the fog,” I replied, waving behind us at the stormfront, which seemed to hover there.

He glared at it skeptically. “Just be silent. Let me do the talking,” Fang hissed finally.

Then he started marching toward the city wall.

That was fine. I planned to appreciate every single moment of my surprise party.

Like the fact that, up close, those walls were really something. Four stories tall, the mist billowing against a patchwork of iron, impossibly huge sheets stapled and stitched and seared together as though by giant smiths. Or perhaps Guides, their spirits melting down the metal and raising it into place. [Engineering] was already picking it all apart piece by piece. It turned out that there were actually some structural issues with the—

Fang came to an abrupt halt, raising a clawed hand.

Before us stood a massive gate – one that stretched the length of that wall.

Then we stood there and waited, a storm whipping past us…

My shield out and arm chain swinging at the ready…

Fang with his daggers in hand…

Both of us prepared for battle.

Which, uh… which didn’t happen?

I’ll be honest with you, I was pretty surprised. Just not in the way I’d hoped? Like there was no army waiting to murder us? No Guides hidden by some sort of secret veil of magic? No villagers lining the walls with pitchforks and torches?

What kind of surprise party was this?

I mean, I’m not saying I wanted to get attacked by an angry mob… but it would have been kind of nice, you know? Like an acknowledgement of how much we’d grown – how imposing and terrifying and monstrous we’d become? Even Fang looked sort of put out, didn’t he? He just stood there glaring at the wall. Plus, my super cool entrance was just wasted. There wasn’t even anyone here to appreciate it—

Ahh, never mind. There was one person!

Specifically, the portly vulpin that peered out of the window of his tiny little gate house – the one situated right next to a very small, slender door in the wall.

You know, the one beside the enormous gate.

“One second,” he chirped happily, “I’ll be right with you!”

We just stood there awkwardly as he took another sip from his thermos, tugged on his hat and a pair of boots, and pulled open the door, humming softly to himself as he approached, pulling his raincoat tight and close to ward off the artificial rain.

“Whew, odd weather we’re having here in the wasteland. A sky turtle must have swept some of the mist from the forest this way,” the vulpin observed as he approached. “Have you two managed to stay dry?”

Fang and I just looked at each other.

His scales dripping wet. My new ratskin cloak soaked through by the mist.

Okay, there were some downsides to my super cool entrance…

“No. We did not,” Fang answered, scowling at me.

“Ahh, you poor things. You should come inside and get warm,” he offered, waving at his little shed. The one with the toasty fire and did I smell—ahh, yes, those were definitely baked goods. I smelled sugar. My stomach growled loudly.

Yet neither of us moved – our weapons still raised.

Although, it started getting awkward when nothing happened.

The vulpin stared at us in confusion and then his eyes brightened. “Ahh, I’m sorry. Totally understand the hesitation. I didn’t even introduce myself, did I? Name’s Pietr.”

He offered us his paw. We both stared at it.

I didn’t see any weapons, but that didn’t mean they weren’t hidden.

Although, I was beginning to suspect that maybe… maybe there weren’t going to be any weapons. Or armies. Or angry mobs. Just Pietr and his thermos.

Which meant that maybe this wasn’t my surprise party?

Oh, shit. Pietr was still waiting, hand raised, eyes blissfully blank, mouth smiling with zero pain. Hmm. Maybe he was just a really nice guy.

So, I accepted his grip and I threw a smile on my face. Just like I’d practiced.

“Not that he can see it with the hood,” Lili muttered bitterly.

Which was fair. Damn.

“Pleasure to meet you too, good sir. My name is N… ick,” I said, Fang just letting out a slow, disappointed hiss.

“That’s what you came up with?” Lili demanded.

I’ll admit, not my best. I was just under a lot of pressure!

And, sure, he couldn’t see my face or the smile I’d practiced, but I made sure my grip was nice and firm. Just like Lili had taught me.

We were making a new friend already!

“Rule #3.” Fang hissed softly. “Let go of his hand.”

Ahh, Pietr’s smile had disappeared. Also, his eye was twitching. And was he crying? No, that had to be the mist and the rain. Although, he exhaled loudly as I let go of his hand.

“You have a… strong grip,” Pietr gasped, holding up his mangled paw. A flash of his hearth spirit and the bones popped right back into place.

Then he took a long sip of his thermos and his smile was back in a flash.

Hmm, what was he drinking? I wanted to try some so bad—

“Is there no one else here?” Fang demanded, eyeing our surroundings cautiously.

“Ahh, yeah, it’s just me manning the gates,” Pietr chirped. “We don’t really get many travelers from the south… or any travelers, actually. The screaming bamboo forest really cut down on foot traffic over the years,” he explained.

“So… no army of soldiers?” I asked very discreetly.

“Soldiers?” Pietr retorted, incredulous. “Why would there be soldiers?”

“The rolling stormfront of mist?” Fang offered, waving behind us. “Or what about the noise as we approached? You didn’t hear the wailing and moaning and shrieking?”

“Ahh, no, I didn’t,” Pietr replied, pulling wax from his ears. “Lots of noise with the factories and such. Bunch of folks have hearing problems around these parts.”

Now that he mentioned it, Apati was pretty loud. Even from the other side of that giant metal wall, we could make out a repetitive clanking boom – as though a thousand hammers were striking metal at the same time. Almost like an army of weapon-wielding murder robots.

Oh, shit. Okay. I had it now! I just needed to be patient.

This was just the introduction. The lead-in to the main event. The pre-Apati.

This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

Which meant the pressure was off. I could relax. Ease myself into it.

My eyes shot back to Pietr. Fang must have meant for this to be the warmup. My practice friend. Don’t worry. I had this. I’d been taking careful notes.

“Does this count as a violation of Rule #3?” Lili asked.

Nope. Making friends is normal.

And I was trying to making friends. So, I was normal. Obviously.

“That doesn’t really make any sense—” Lili began.

“Ahh, forgot the formalities,” Pietr spoke up, pulling out a clipboard from beneath his arm. “Sorry. It’s been so long since we had visitors that I’ll probably be rusty with the registration. Almost as rusty as that gate, eh?” the vulpin offered with a grin, elbowing Fang.

To my surprise, the savran didn’t stab him! Which was weird. I’d tried doing that many times – touching him, I mean – and I’d gotten stabbed. Like a lot. Yet Fang’s eyes just gleamed, his daggers disappeared in a flash, and a broad toothy grin stretched across his face—Ahh, nevermind, I knew that smile.

He was about to fuck over my new friend Pietr.

So, not a physical stabbing – more of a mental and emotional one.

A scaly arm slid across the vulpin’s shoulders. “That is no problem. We will be easy. Just two normal merchants with nothing to hide.”

The vulpin smiled back. “Glad to hear it.” He jot down our names. “Fang and… Nick, was it? So, it’s just you two then?”

“Well, that’s—" I began.

“Yes,” Fang hissed, glaring at me.

Why was he looking at me like that? Ahh, right! The ropleplaying. But wasn’t he kind of hogging my new practice friend? Like we’d gotten off to a weird start with the handshake – I probably didn’t do it hard enough. But maybe I could still turn this around? Maybe I could impress him? But what did other people like?

“Anything else to declare?” Pietr asked. “Good and materials? Vehicles…?”

“Ahh, yes. There’s Fang’s tricycle and the wagon,” I piped up excitedly. “And we are carrying so much stuff. You have to see it. It’s pretty cool. They’re just parked back in the creepy but totally harmless and natural stormfront.”

Ha. Perfect. I mean, Fang loved loot and I loved vehicles and we were both guys – just like Pietr, right? Bromates? So, I’d just combined the best of both worlds.

The vulpin smiled. “Perfect. I’ll just need to inspect the vehicles and…”

I had trouble paying attention. Fang was mouthing something at me behind Pietr’s back and making some weird slicing gesture with one claw – like he was… ripping out his own throat? Oh, I get it! He must have set this all up. So, he was telling me to finish it.

Maribel, Lili, and I all gave him a thumbs up. We had this.

Oh, and Pietr was still talking about something.

“—your vehicles may not be able to fit – the gate has been in bad shape for cycles now. You’ll have to bring any materials you plan to trade through the side door. But, first, we just need to make sure you aren’t hauling anything dangerous. Sometimes the monsters get clever and try to hitch a ride inside. Crazy right?”

I flinched. You all know I don’t love that word.

But it was okay. Sometimes, you had to look past personal differences to make friends – in this case, our differing views on the mental health challenges faced by individuals, beasts, monsters, and spirits who had undergone cycles of emotional and physical abuse.

In my humble opinion, we didn’t have a “crazy problem” in the Five Rivers. Or even a “murder problem.” We had a mental health problem.

And it was my responsibility to help educate.

Which is why I didn’t hold it against Pietr at all as I gave him a tour of the Death Wagon over Fang’s sputtering, impotent protests.

Besides, it was too late anyway.

My left hand tickled and screams echoed out of the mist – long and loud enough to send a tingle up my spine. Pietr almost dropped his thermos, but Lili caught it for him, the vulpin taking it gratefully. Meanwhile, the mist was blown away by a couple discreet blasts of my babies’ bamboomers, revealing the true majesty of my creation – a recreational vehicle that would unite Pietr and I in the bonds of true [Friendship].

See? He didn’t even have words.

He was just staring at that marvel of engineering.

In fact, he was stunned speechless for most of the tour. Which was perfect. It let me do all of the talking – my natural showmanship bubbling to the surface.

I showed him the plow – two tons of poo-crete shaped into a death shovel. We’d levered it up once we entered the wasteland. No bamboo to worry about, you know? Plus, the friction just made the wagon harder to pull. Oh, and the adult kraell skull mounted overtop. Pietr loved that one. He made this sort of choked, gurgle of pure joy.

Then the track system, which… in retrospect, I probably should have washed before giving the tour. We’d been off roading in the screaming bamboo forest, after all. So, there was some natural build up. You know, the usual – mud, blood, entrails, excrement. It had formed a sort of bloody, crimson slurry. Actually, it stained most of the wagon and had caked up around the treads in a thick sludge.

But Pietr was super considerate about it.

He just ignored the mess. It was pretty hard to get him to even look at it, honestly.

Then I explained how the turret system worked. You know, the twin platforms jutting from either side – each with a bamboomer of my own proprietary design. Let’s just say they could deliver a “cocktail” of poison. Pietr seemed skeptical, so, of course, we had to spin up the cannons for him. Give him a little light weapons demonstration.

Which he loved! He was so excited – screaming and shouting and trying to run away. But it was fine… I restrained him. For his own safety, of course.

And the final stop was the merchandise.

Specifically, the wagon bed.

It was a little tight in there. Fang had insisted we pick up and store literally everything, so his garbage was piled up all the way to the canopy and packed tight – like really, really tight. Seriously, I had to use my shadow portals to get my babies to retrieve stuff and add more trash, you know sort of like the holes rats carve in walls and—

It was in that moment that I blew my own mind.

See? Socialization is incredibly important. Vital really. It helps stimulate the mind - even if you already happen to be a budding genius.

I mean, I’d been calling them shadow portals for a long time now. But “ratholes” was a waaay better name, wasn’t it? I had Pietr to thank for that.

Anyway, there was also more junk stored on the roof – the poo-crete canopy I’d built. Okay, it was mostly bamboo – but Fang had me cover it in tarps.

Something about “invasive species” and “mass panic?”

I don’t know what he was on about either.

And then we finished the tour at the back of the Death Wagon. You know, the cage where we kept the demon monkeys? You remember, right? The one built of poo-crete? We had to get rid of the spines at some point. Ha, get it? Because they’re sharp?

Pietr really loved that joke too.

Anyway, the spines had also become a safety hazard. Especially once the cage got full. One little bump and a misplaced stab and all of those monkeys might explode in a chain reaction. But it didn’t matter. We didn’t even really have to paralyze the monkeys anymore – not if they already couldn’t move. The ratholes made any storage problem a solvable one. The monkeys were basically having one big, happy, twitching, cube-shaped, group hug. We just had Fang use his little spine ring to paralyze them when we needed to pull one out.

Much more efficient that way, especially without PK’s help.

And, well… just like that the tour was over.

“So, what do you think? Pretty cool, right?” I asked, smiling and leaning back against my super sweet recreational vehicle. I was so nailing Rule #3 right now.

Pietr seemed speechless. He was just standing there, clipboard held in his hand. His breath coming short and fast. His eyes wide and his pupils super dilated. He also kept grabbing at his left arm for some reason… like it was in pain or numb or something.

Hmm. This must be what awe looked like.

Ahh, then his thermos slipped out from under his arm.

“Oh, don’t worry, I’ve got that for you,” I said, snatching it from the air and offering it to Pietr, the hood of my cloak slipping back. “What are friends for right?”

Our eyes finally met then—

Mine screaming for him to love me.

His screaming for someone to help him.

Huh, actually, why wasn’t he taking the thermos?

I poked him. No response. Poked him again. Nothing. Slide to the left, slide to the right. Weird. His eyes were still following me, but the rest of him was completely frozen. This felt familiar somehow—

But there were no spines. Obviously, I checked for that first.

“Fang, do you think something is wrong with Pietr? It looks like he’s been paralyzed by your pretty-little-lizard-princess-ring, but there’s no spine.”

“Yes, I poisoned his thermos.”

“Wait, you what?” I demanded, whirling.

“It is your fault. I told you to be normal – to let me do the talking,” the savran snapped, stabbing a claw at me. “Not show off your crazy death wagon.”

“But I was being normal. I was just giving him the tour—”

“Of your blood-soaked wagon? Of the remains of hundreds of monsters caked up around the tracks? We left a blood trail that stretches all the way back to the forest – that was why I made the mist… to wash it away. Yet, it just forms rivers and plasters it to the wagon. It only makes it worse. And then you destroyed Pietr’s gate house. Look at it. It is covered in poison,” Fang ranted, clearly worked up for some reason.

He was exaggerating. It was barely melting.

“Pietr really enjoyed it, though.”

“Pietr threw up while you were talking. Three times.”

Okay, I sort of remember that differently. I just thought he got so excited that he couldn’t keep down those pastries his wife had made for him.

“Well, he loved the monkeys,” I said, arms crossed.

“Those monkeys?” Fang demanded, waving at the Meat Locker nearby.

A thousand glowing red eyes were staring at us, each one silently screaming – begging for the sweet release of death. In my defense, I never claimed we operated a free-range monkey farm. Plus, the despair made them taste better. Juicier. And since they couldn’t move, that increased the fat content of the burgers. That was just facts. Also, flavor.

“And the fact is that you left me no choice but to paralyze him,” Fang hissed.

Ahh, that last one must have slipped out again.

“But you didn’t have to—”

“I did. It was either that or kill him,” Fang snapped back. “Except someone might miss him – like his damned wife. So, either we poison and kidnap him or dispose of the body. You choose,” Fang insisted.

A gentle, wheezing moan escaped Pietr’s paralyzed throat.

“Ahh, well, this is probably fine then,” I answered finally.

Fang just snorted. “Glad you agree. Now, I’m going to go see if there is room for the wagon on the other side of that giant gate – the one Pietr said we couldn’t open,” Fang announced and vanished in a puff of mist, which left me and Pietr alone.

“Ahh, sorry about this,” I said, going for reassuring. “I’m sure the poison will wear off pretty soon. Maybe only a few hours… or days.”

His eyes got a little wider. Which was actually a good sign. Small motor movements came back first. That meant he probably wouldn’t die from an overdose.

“Don’t worry, we’ll take care of you,” I said, patting his shoulder.

I hate to say it, but maybe Fang was right. I’d gone about this wrong. You know, by trying to impress Pietr with my amazing wagon. After everything Fang and I had been through, you’d think I’d remember by now, right?

[Friendship] was built on blackmail.

In this case, holding Pietr’s health, safety, and thermos in the palm of my hand.

“Wwwweeee?” he wheezed suddenly.

“See? I told you! You’re already getting your voice back!” I slapped him on the back. “And yeah, my babies and I will take great care of you.”

My left hand tickled and my murder babies formed from pools of shadows – like they always did. I figured this was okay. Especially now that we were friends.

“Okay, babies say hi to our new friend!”

They all stuck out their paws immediately.

“Ahh, you are such cute little bloodthirsty mercenaries,” I cooed, handing them a few leftover sliders. They were getting a little slimey but they were still good.

Although, I was going to need to find a kitchen soon…

“Ahh, do you want one too?” I asked Pietr.

His eyes went wide and he gurgled, which I took as a yes.

“What are you doing?” Fang hissed as he reappeared.

“Uh, feeding Pietr,” I replied. “You know, being a good friend.”

The savran’s eyes darted to the babies, but he didn’t complain – just let out a long, slow hiss of disappointment. Somehow that stung worse.

“So, can the wagon fit?” I asked.

“Yes, but the gate is old. Rusted. Your… friend was telling the truth.”

I could see Fang was reluctant to say what he was really thinking. His eyes kept darting from the gate to the wagon and then back to me – only to repeat again.

“Why are you so close… and smiling?” Fang demanded.

“You were just about to ask if I could help, weren’t you? Use my amazing engineering prowess to open the big gate? C’mon, you can tell me.”

Another slow hiss, like he was releasing murderous pressure.

Then those sweet, sweet words…

“Yes, can you… can you fix the gate?”

“I don’t know,” I murmured, eyeing that wall again. [Engineering] had already picked apart the structure a long time ago. It was possible, but not easy.

“Probably not in a normal way,” I added with a shrug. “It would probably be safer to leave the wagon behind – along with all of your treasures.”

Fang grimaced, glancing back at his mountain of garbage. “There is no one near. No one watching. Also, the factories make a lot of noise. Likely no one would notice—”

“Uh huh,” I chirped, suddenly standing way too close again.

“Is that a yes?” I asked with another big smile.

Okay, this one hurt a lot. I was just so happy…

Fang looked back at his loot one last time, then sighed.

“Fine. Do it. Just try not to make a scene.”

“Of course. I’ll be super subtle. Who do you think I am?”