North of Anchon – “A few weeks ago”

There we were, standing in the marshes.

Just two bromates that had been recently released from the clinging and toxic confines of the Flow’s sphincter. But now? Now we were free.

Just one man, one lizard, and three of the most precious murder babies that had ever prowled the Outer Reaches of the Five Rivers. Our luggage piled up beside us – a mountain of bloody, ratskin sacks that held all of my incredibly important tools and Fang’s completely useless junk. A pile that actually dwarfed the corpse of the corrupted, adult kraell nearby – the one I’d murdered all by myself.

Just a family. One preparing for the vacation of a lifetime!

And just like any good parent planning a vacation with three growing murder babies and an emotionally distant co-parent through an impassable swamp with several tons of equipment and without any direction or feedback or help – I was freaking the fuck out.

What? No, not about the vacation!

I had to eat my skill gems, remember?

Specifically, 2 silver, 3 copper, and 4 bronze.

Priceless and irreplaceable treasures—

“So goooood,” Lili cooed.

See? What would even happen to me? I mean, sure, I felt amazing – like way more amped than usual and the buzzing in my head had leaped into overdrive – was that normal? That could just be temporary right? Or what if all that concentrated nimbus overwhelmed my slightly-dented vessel? I mean, I did feel a little warmer than normal, didn’t I? Was that the nimbus? Was I slowly reaching some sort of critical mass that would—

“Don’t worry, your head will explode first,” Lili piped up.

Wait… what!? Explode? How did she even know—

“Seen it before,” she mumbled.

Also, why did her mouth sound full? She didn’t even have a mouth!

“How have you seen it before?” My eyes went wide. “Oh, wait… are your memories returning? It’s all the nimbus right? This tingly feeling in my fingers?”

“No, I’m just fucking with you,” she drawled.

Whew, that’s what I’d been hoping—

“Maybe,” she interrupted. “I don’t know why you’re so worried, though. That’s how I plan to go out. Just eat myself to death.”

And now I was freaking out again.

What? What was that? Why did I have to eat the gems again?

To protect them from Fang, of course!

Seriously, he was horrible. It was this sort of physical and emotional abuse that had forced us to split up back in the gate – to finally end our co-parenting relationship.

Even after our group therapy session with Maribel and the revelation that our immortal souls were connected in an unholy union – that we were a dysfunctional blended family – it was always about “things” for him. Never about “us.” Or our “babies” – the same ones that were gnawing on the kraell corpse. They were so adorable now that they were smaller again. And if they ate nimbus, it barely took a trickle for Maribel to sustain them.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah… Fang. Right.

Our relationship had always been one of necessity. I needed him to provide the entirely reasonable emotional support and praise I’d been craving for, well… a while. Maybe my whole life. And he needed me to help him survive a hellish deathscape that he’d jumped into willingly and without any real explanation. Well, other than that time he sort of admitted his feelings for me while under the influence of our revolutionary, heated sewer bath.

I was all he had left in this world. His tribe was dead, he’d said.

So, he loved me basically.

But love alone can’t keep a relationship alive. Or stop a murderous, cold-blooded sociopath from cutting open my stomach in order to steal my precious gems.

“Our precious gems,” Lili corrected, letting out a long purring sound.

See? She understood.

Anyway, there was only one way to keep this family together. We needed to get back to our roots – what made us, well… us. I needed to show Fang that he simply couldn’t live without me. Probably because he’d be brutally murdered. But also because he’d miss my charming smile and my childlike delight of fun, family adventures. That’s right! I just had to show him what he would be missing without me. I could see it now! It was so clear…

He’d turn and look at me with those big, glowing yellow eyes – the flames of his lovely, seething wrath sending a message from his soul to mine. One of—

“What are you doing?” Fang hissed, those same yellow eyes smashed flat.

“Monologuing,” Lili muttered.

“Uh, just thinking,” I said. His expression had been slightly different in my head. This was just a generic, suspicious glare. Maybe because I was standing so close to him.

“When you should be working,” Fang snapped. “I laid out the tarp for you.”

Indeed, he had. He’d stitched together a bunch of ratskins and then folded them over to make a slightly more durable tarp. His two clones were loading it with those bloody sacks while the real Fang prepared another line of drugs.

This was also exactly what I was talking about!

“I am not hauling all your useless junk through the swamp,” I snapped back, crossing my arms. “How is this even supposed to work? It’s wet, and muddy, and there’s standing water and creepy willow trees. You expect me to drag all this stuff for hundreds of miles?”

“We are not leaving my treasures,” Fang shot back. “Would you leave your… your babies?” he asked, that last word costing him.

“How dare you!” I said, hand to my chest. “I knew you were still angry at me – still resentful that I had to save this family all by myself. Again. But don’t you dare take it out on the children.” At that last word, my babies all peaked out of the kraell corpse, their crimson eyes going round and large – like big, bleeding saucers…

Saucers that stared into your soul and weighed its worth in blood.

Just like we’d practiced! I told you they were perfect.

Fang just scowled back and then let out a long, exasperated hiss.

We stood there – twitchy, strung-out trash goblin and a strong, independent man that had tried everything he could to keep this family together. We’d even gone to [Therapy]! After all this time maybe… maybe I should just accept that Fang wasn’t going to change.

Maybe it was time to finally say what we’d both been thinking for at least a few days. Or possibly minutes. Time was a slippery concept for me.

“Or I could take my stuff and we could part ways,” I said. “The gate’s over. You could go back to your rock-lair-cave or whatever. I’ll go find Leandra by myself.”

Fang looked at me for a long moment, taking a big snort of nimbus.

“We’ve been over this already,” he retorted finally, slumping back against the bloody pile and kneading at his temple with one claw.

“We, uh, we have?” I asked, suddenly uncertain.

Wow. News to me. Also… entirely possible. My somewhat tenuous grasp on sanity had been slipping more lately. But I mean, I don’t have to tell you, do I?

Although, I had a foolproof way to check.

“Lili, did we talk about this?” I asked.

“Hmm? Oh, I don’t know. I’ve been busssy,” she purred.

If you spot this story on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

Damn it. Damn it. Damn it.

“Yes, many times,” Fang hissed, his eyes flashing as he lined up more powder on the corrupted kraell’s corpse, the body shaking and shuddering as my precious babies tunneled their way inside. He snorted, long and loud. “Many, many, many times.”

“Uh, well… that’s interesting. What did we talk about?”

“You agreed we will travel together. You still owe me for keeping you alive for all those cycles – and again in the gate. You also admitted that my garb—my treasures—were important to our survival and that you needed to bring them with us.”

I stared at him. That didn’t really sound like something I’d—

“You even acknowledged that I’m a superior hunter now that I have used all my skill gems,” Fang continued, “and you were concerned that the babies would not survive with only your pitiful stats. Also, you kept saying something about your head exploding.”

Shit. Okay, that definitely sounded like me.

Or, at least the last part did anyway.

Still, this didn’t feel right. Sure, my sense of time was shaky and I kept remembering words I shouldn’t know and places I’d never been and I took my responsibilities as a [Battle Daddy] very seriously and the head exploding thing was still a major a concern, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off. That Fang might be full of kraell shit.

And for the last time, I’m not paranoid!

“Ahh, I think I remember now!” I said finally, smacking my forehead with my palm.

“I knew you would,” Fang offered with a toothy grin.

“That must have been the same conversation where you said I could have the rest of the nimbus gems – you know, since you spent half our coins on drugs instead of an infinite-fucking-storage ring.”

“That’s not—” Fang began, his eyes widening.

“Not ideal? No, no it isn’t. You could have stored infinite drugs in that ring.”

Fang blinked. Blinked again. The trash goblin’s mind seemed to explode on that one. He even forgot about the line of those precious drugs that was growing soggy on the kraell’s scales, white streaking down the gray and blue.

“Or, you could admit that you made all of this up,” I offered, leaning forward with a smile. “That you just want to come with me – with us,” I amended, waving at the babies. “That you’d like to re-kindle our [Bromance] now that we’ve survived that rough patch in our relationship and we’ve both had a chance to work on ourselves during [Therapy].”

Fang swallowed hard, looking everywhere but at me. See? He couldn’t even look me in the eye. I had him right where I wanted him!

“That is not—”

“Are you sure, Fang?” I interjected. “It’s okay. I accept you for who you are – a cold-blooded sadist who feels threatened and incredibly emasculated by our precious murder babies. Who else can say that?”

“Where are the gems?” Fang murmured, horror filling his eyes.

Okay, fine. He might not have been embarrassed.

He might have been looking for his nimbus gem stash.

Luckily, I hadn’t forgotten how to use my [Shadow Chain]! “Oh, this?” I asked, holding up a huge bag. And… he was glaring again. Better. Closer to the image in my head.

Like I said before, there was only one way to keep this family together. I would have to use everything that [Friendship] and [Bromance] had taught me – lessons gleaned from surviving the very bowels of hell with my bromantic partner sometimes by my side – but mostly running away or complaining or collecting trash.

Which might be why this next part stung a little.

“This is just more blackmail,” Fang hissed.

“No-no… this is [Bromance],” I replied. And no, I didn’t sound defensive.

Fang crossed his arms. “Then this [Bromance] is just blackmail?”

“It’s, uh, other things too!”

“Like what? Name one thing.”

“Um, what about that time we negotiated with Emporos! Yeah, that was fun – we both had our lists of questions. Or what about that time you watched me kill the rat ogre by myself while you just watched impotently—

“I helped!” Fang snapped.

My smile widened. “Exactly. Like my bromantic partner! [Bromance] is also group murder and I know how much you love murdering…”

“No, anyone would have murdered the big rat.”

“Would they? Would they, though?” I asked, cocking my head.

Fang just let out a hissing snort, shaking his head as though he was in pain. “It does not matter. It will not work. I have other drugs now! I don’t need the gems!” he snapped back finally. Not exactly an admission of our [Bromance], but we were getting close.

“Sure, but we took a lot of those drugs in Emporos’ Death Wagon, and you’ve been going through them pretty fast since we got back. How long will they last?” I asked sweetly.

His mouth was moving but no sound was coming out.

Also, his eyes were super bloodshot.

“It seems like I have a lot of gems too,” I continued, eyeing the bag, pulling open the top to reveal the glimmering contents. He was drooling now and his pupils were huge. “Plus, I imagine Lili and the babies and I will be stopping at a few other corrupted gates during our family vacation...”

I snapped the drawstring closed. Yes, it was made of ratkin sinew.

That seemed to knock Fang out of his temporary fugue state.

“So, do you want to admit it now – that you want to come with us; that you need us. That you’d like to rekindle our [Bromance]?”

I leaned forward, my eyes gleaming in the mist. “That you’re excited for our family vacation? That you can’t wait to leave?”

“That is not—”

“You even packed already,” I said, pointing at the tarp. Technically, true.

Fang stuttered out a long hissing sound and his hands were shaking a little. Was this fair? Probably not. Okay, maybe it was terrible. But, he’d just tried to take advantage of my temporary and completely unconcerning memory loss, hadn’t he?

I was just trying to get him to admit he had feelings.

“Or you just really want him to come with us,” Lili mumbled. “Because you love—"

Uh, don’t mind her. She isn’t even paying attention.

“Fine. I made it up,” Fang huffed, crossing his arms. “You did not say those things.”

Ahh, this is what made it all worth it. This moment of pure triumph.

But I wasn’t finished with the sulky trash goblin.

“That’s a good start. Anything else?” I offered, a smile frozen on my face.

We stayed that way for far too long – Fang staring, me smiling, the murder babies burrowing into the kraell’s tender underbelly. They’d actually carved out a series of tunnels and one poked its head out of its neck. Ahh, they were making a flesh fort!

Also, my face was starting to hurt. How long could I keep this up?

But Fang broke first. “Fine. I wish… I wish to be a part of this—”

He just cut off – like he couldn’t force himself to say the words.

“Part of this what?” I offered, smile widening. Seriously, could this cause damage?

“I wish to be part of this [Bromance],” he hissed out in a rush, flicking his tongue in distaste. Ahh, that was the expression of progress.

I already knew the answer, but it was nice to hear him say it, you know?

“Now, will you haul my treasures?” he huffed.

Oh yeah… I turned back to the tarp piled with bags. Wow, that was still a stupid plan. Although, I was a little touched that he thought I could pull it off.

“Yeah, I don’t think that’s going to work,” I muttered.

“Then no deal!” he snapped, slamming his fist against the kraell’s corpse with a dull thud. The babies chittered angrily from somewhere inside the creature. “I knew your [Bromance] was crazy and weird and hollow!”

Woah. This is exactly why you shouldn’t get back together with your exes!

And yet… I also knew that this was just his love language.

Specifically, verbal and emotional abuse.

“Hey, if you have a better solution, I’m all ears!” I shot back. “Dragging several tons of useless crap through a swamp on a tarp just isn’t a workable solution.”

“Then build something,” he hissed.

“With what?” I demanded, waving at the swamp around us.

All I saw was a kraell corpse, mud, and a giant pile of useless garbage. What I needed was wood – or some material I could shape into a vehicle. Also, wheels would be nice – maybe. Not sure how well they’d do in the swamp. Except, I’d used all my extra lumber on the Lair Warming Party. I know, I know, I should have saved it.

What can I say? I’m a giver.

That’s my love language – acts of madness.

“It’s not like we’re still in the gate. A random pile of stuff isn’t just going to appear out of thin—” I began.

Only to cut myself short as a strong gust of wind blew through the swamp, carving a tunnel through the mist. It led straight to the bank of Cocytus, spirits flowing above the top of the water. Had the river always been that close? Also, it looked like—

Yeah, that was a shipwreck! The timbers were all washed up against the shore. The mists even formed a series of rainbows as the sunlight filtered through the fog, lighting up the wreck in glowing relief. It was rather picturesque, honestly.

“Like that pile of materials right there?” Fang asked sourly, standing at my side and staring at the wreck.

“Well, uh, sure… I guess that counts. Technically.”

There was a long pause, neither of us moving.

“Why are you still standing here?” Fang demanded.

“Uh, I’m just thinking,” I muttered, crossing my arms. “Why don’t you go collect the wood while I plan the design. Am I just supposed to do everything myself?”

“I wouldn’t even know where to start,” Fang replied cagily. “You have the [Woodworking] skill. I might damage the boards. The wise hunter knows his own limits.”

Damn it. That was sort of fair.

Also, that’s the first time I’d ever heard him use that particular saying…

Another long pause. Both of us refused to move.

“It is the rainbows, yes?” Fang asked finally.

I breathed out a long sigh. “Of course, it’s the rainbows! This feels way too easy. Like a trap – like I’m going to get eaten if I go over there.”

Side-eyeing him, a thought came to me. “You could go see if there’s a trap. I mean, even if something tries to eat you, you can just use [Evasion].”

It was Fang’s turn to get cagey. “Too risky.”

“You could send a clone.”

“And risk my precious nimbus now that you hold my gems hostage?”

“My gems,” I retorted, clutching the bag tighter.

“Our gems,” Lili chimed in again.

Another pause, interrupted by the occasional crunch and grind from behind us as my precious, sweet murder babies continued to hollow out the kraell corpse – clearly an homage to their [Battle Daddy]. Which is why I felt a little guilty about the plan that was beginning to take shape in my head – a shape that was rather rat-like...

Maribel also seemed uncomfortable with it. Or, at least, my left hand was shaking.

Almost like she wanted to slap me?

“She does,” Lili confirmed. “So do I for making me sit through all that. Seriously, I may be nauseous. Do you have to do this emotional crap while I’m trying to eat?”

Huh… or they were both jealous of how much progress Fang and I had made!

Yeah, that was probably it.

Lili just grumbled something about a “crazy asshole” as she retreated from my core and my left hand twitched harder – I actually had to hold it down with my right.

Meanwhile, new questions were buzzing through my head.

Like were they technically real? My murder babies, I mean. Didn’t Maribel summon them from the shadows? And she was using my nimbus to do that – couldn’t I feel that tickling, icy, burn even now? Besides, the ratkin in the gate hadn’t really died, had they? You know, when we brutally murdered them in an endless wave of flesh, fur, and death?

When I glanced to the side, I saw Fang staring at our blood-soaked children too.

Our eyes met. And, in that moment, our recently-discovered souls connected.

I knew there was more to [Bromance] than blackmail and murder!

Well, uh… sort of?

“Hey babies!” I called out. A furry, blood-drenched head appeared from the kraell’s neck, another from its side, and a third from an unmentionable part near the rear. Three sets of gorgeous, crimson eyes glowing softly in the mist.

“Your [Battle Daddy] and I need your help,” Fang hissed. “It’s a, um—”

“Special, top secret mission only you three can handle,” I added for him.

We shared another look. And there it was – that was the fire! That spark I remembered back in the hell sewers. He hadn’t looked at me like that since he’d tried to eat me. Even without words, I knew what my fellow co-parent was thinking.

We could always make another baby…

But we couldn’t make another [Bromance].

Probably. That was also unclear.