Chapter 17 - Bestiary

Demi

The Flow

Finally! Finally, I had finished the Tutorial!

Okay, that was a tiny bit misleading.

I’d finished the Bestiary Tutorial – not the whole thing. Not even close. So, really I’d only completed a tiny, tiny sliver of a veritable mountain of ridiculous questions filled with far too much math. And now?

Well, I guess it was time to see my score.

Test results processing…

Processing…

Processing…

My fingers drummed a bored rhythm on my Floaty Coach®, spirits spiraling overhead.

This seemed to be taking longer than normal. Too long maybe—

Sluuuuurp. Slurp. Sluuuuurp.

Ahh, that was so much better!

After extensive and thorough testing, I’d decided that despite what the stress and anger management tutorials had claimed, the breathing, meditation, and mental visualization exercises weren’t making me any calmer. Besides, I didn’t even really have lungs anyway, right? Anyway, it was mostly just the drinking.

Okay, it was entirely the drinking. It really took the edge off—

New Test Results Have Arrived!

Score Received: A+

Tutorial Completion: 1.15%

Estimated Time to Finish: 2.26 trillion eons.

I—I suddenly couldn’t breathe; couldn’t move; could barely think.

Then it was like a dam broke – literally and figuratively, nimbus spewing from my masked mouth in a spray of pure joy. All of my stress and anxiety just flowed away.

You know, like getting promoted so quickly – maybe too quickly? An impossible mission to stop the Flow’s Worst Cheater? Eons of relentless study and preparation?

All of that hardship had led to this moment.

“I always knew I was top of my class!” I shouted into the void, bouncing atop my furniture and screaming my empty little robe out.

Seriously, where did my voice even come from?

No, no more stupid existential questions.

This was possibly the best moment of my life.

Which was… actually pretty sad, wasn’t it?

In an instant, my joy faded.

It was just me, bouncing alone in a very damp white void. There was no one to praise me. No one to clap. No one to hand me a single gold star sticker. You know, the one that meant you were the best. They didn’t just hand those out to anyone, after all.

I’ll admit, I’d been expecting more…

Sluuuuurp. Slurp. Slurp.

And there I was… drinking again. I told me we needed to slow down. Besides, what did I even have to feel anxious about now? Maybe that I’d completed my goal? That now I was left with… with nothing at all? That even if I somehow managed to kill the stupid Cheater, maybe that victory would feel just as hollow as this one?

Maybe it didn’t help that it felt like I was missing something—

“Oh, that’s right!” I chirped, brightening. “The toxifovos entry!”

I couldn’t believe I’d almost forgotten why I was even taking this stupid tutorial. Wow. Even the UI updated. There was also additional information.

Bestiary Entry: Toxifovos (a.k.a., Poison Kitty – PK for short)

* Strength: Divine

* Spirit: Venom

* Mortal Enemy: Demon Monkeys

* Likes: Long walks around the poison spring. Demon monkey sliders.

* Dislikes: Fang’s screaming. Fang’s ugly face.

* Personality Type: Traditional tsundere monster.

* Marital Status:

* Basic Attack: Homing metallic spines tipped in a high-concentration paralytic.

* Behavior: This creature will not attack unless provoked, but once combat has been initiated, its highly-armored body makes it impervious to nearly all attacks and its homing spikes making it impossible for its prey to flee. There is currently only one known way to defeat… (tap for more)

Uh, okay. Was that information really necessary?

Although, it didn’t matter. I was at the end again, but this time, I was different. Stronger. More experienced. Empowered by the unholy might of the Tutorial.

This time… I could “tap for more.” So, I did! I tapped it so hard.

Although, the result was pretty anticlimactic. The prompt just filled in further.

There is currently only one known way to defeat the Toxifovos: Mating. Specifically, a potential mate must defeat the Toxifovos in a test of wills. It is incredibly important that they do not move, breathe heavily, or blink and that they maintain eye contact for the duration of the mating ritual. These contests have been known to take upwards of two cycles. There have currently been no recorded winners and the Flow predicts that the Toxifovos may eventually die alone – leaving no progeny and leading to its species’ extinction.

In fact, this is why the Toxifovos was driven into the Outer Reaches and its environment was carefully tailored by the Flow to ensure that it would not wake from its slumber – a process that took eons. Luckily, the creature is normally quite lazy and will sleep continuously unless its territory is disturbed. Thus, it is incredibly important that no changes are made to this biome—

“What?” I asked, my mind suddenly going blank.

“What!?” Louder that time. Maybe a little screamy.

“Who designed this stupid system? Why would it hide such an important detail in the notes? And then why did it let me make all of those changes before? And does the Toxifovos even have a gender? It’s a metallic death ball covered in venom!”

Sluuuuurp. Slurp.

Okay, I needed to calm down. Just because we might have accidentally woken up a divine beast and introduced it to the Cheater, didn’t mean anything had happened, right? Maybe they didn’t hit it off? Maybe PK had just ripped his head off his shoulders? Although… it was strange that the prompt was using the Cheater’s nickname, wasn’t it? And the last time I saw them, they were having some sort of contest—

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“Oh, shit,” I murmured, my painted eyes going round. I mean, the mating ritual did sound a lot like a staring contest, didn’t it? But no. No! Maybe… maybe he was already dead. Yeah, the prompt said no one had won before, right? And that hadn’t changed.

Only one way to check. I brought up a viewing portal.

One that showed the Cheater – still very much alive.

“What is he wearing?” I muttered, peering closer. It looked familiar.

My painted eyes darted between the viewing portal and the image resting beside the bestiary entry. Ahh, yeah. I saw it now. Irrefutable proof. The Cheater was definitely alive—and also possibly married now… to one of the most dangerous creatures in the Five Rivers. Which was perfect. Just perfect.

Sluuuuuuuurp.

Ahh, I was rubbing at my ears again.

Slurp. Slurp. Slurp.

Okay, better. Sort of.

And with that calm came clarity. This wasn’t over yet. The changes I’d made to the Screaming Bamboo Forest had been for a singular purpose, after all. To stall the Cheater and his impotent lizard sidekick – the one riding the tricycle onscreen. I bet the staring contest and related nonsense had wasted tons of time. I’m sure Horus and Eris were—

The viewing portal shifted and my mug splashed to the ground, forgotten.

“They’re just reaching the forest?” I screamed. “What have they been doing?”

A tap at my tablet and the portal rewound quickly. Eris pouring her heart out to Danae. The elf simmering in silence and tons of walking. Woah, she looked super angry for some reason… Ahh, I see, because they found the Cheater’s first camp—

Wait, what was this? The screen froze on Eris cuddling atop Horus.

“Oh. My. Gods,” I murmured, a delighted smile on my face.

Fine. I might have become a tiny bit invested in their romance. They weren’t exactly a traditional couple. They didn’t really work on paper – elf princess and death warrior moose. But something in my gut told me there was a connection there.

But more than that, how had Horus pulled this off? I thought things between them had been pretty rocky. Although, I guess there was only one way to find out…

I rewound a little more – slower this time.

However, the curve of my painted smile soon flattened, then went rather concave.

“Oh… oh, Horus,” I murmured. “You poisoned the girl.”

I felt so conflicted. I mean, on the one hand… ick.

But also, maybe Eris needed to learn to relax? Drugs were basically training wheels for that, right? I mean, it was working pretty well for me…

Not that it really mattered. The result was the same.

“Does this mean they’re finally a couple now?” I murmured, fiddling with my ears as I fast forward back to the fun part where they woke up together. I might have watched it a couple times. For research, of course. “I mean, they slept together, right?”

“I don’t think it works that way,” another, more masculine voice spoke up.

“Uh, it totally does,” I shot back over my shoulder. “I just finished the Bestiary Tutorial, so I know all about mating now. The monsters just cuddle each other, the screen fades to black while the Flow builds the baby from components of each of their genetic material in a sanitized, extra-dimensional laboratory, and then it delivers the finished product by carrier pigeon. Or a stork if one is available.”

“Uh, okay, sure… except how do they share that genetic material?”

“From the cuddling, obviously,” I snapped, whirling—

Only to freeze in place. Wait. That hadn’t just been another voice in my head. Or, I mean, maybe it still was. But there was also someone standing inside my cubicle. A stranger, his spindly limbs wrapped in smooth, pressed wool and his face covered by a mask just like mine. Well, sort of like mine. His was slightly more… demonic?

“Waaaaaah!,” I screamed, gliding away through the Flow until my back slammed up against the invisible wall of my cubicle. “Who are you? How did you get in here? What happened to your face? How are you this ugly… and creepy? And why is there a wagon in my office? Wait, that thing looks familiar…”

I recognized that wagon, didn’t I?

The demon man-creature just frowned. “I’ll ignore most of those questions. As for who I am, my name is Emporos.” He promptly hinged at the waist and dipped into a deep bow. Then his painted eyes flicked to the viewing portal. “Ahh, I see you have an office with a window. Administrator, huh?” He looked around. “Although, I guess you haven’t been promoted to the corner office yet.”

Wait, he knew about the corner office?

“Do you work here or something?” I demanded, eyes narrowed. I kept the Floaty Couch® between us for safety. During the Bestiary Tutorial, I’d seen some monsters engage in “forced cuddling.” Is that what he wanted with me? To cuddle my tiny empty body? I mean, it looked interesting, but I wanted to cuddle on my own terms, you know?

“Once upon a time,” Emporos offered with a shrug, leaning back against his wagon. “Corporate life didn’t really suit me, so I took the black parachute and retired. Opened my own little shop. I guess you could say that I’m an independent contractor now.”

Which explained the wagon, I guess.

“You like it?” he asked, waving at his ride. “It travels through time and space and has infinite storage – no big deal really. I even added an extended loading dock recently. It’s huge.” He smirked, clearly proud of himself. “I can’t wait to see what Nyx thinks of it. I bet he won’t even fill a small fraction—”

I just switched the viewing portal back with my tablet.

The screen now showed the Cheater rolling across a wasteland in his new ride.

Emporos cut off, his mask freezing in place and his mouth slowly drifting open. It might have been the several tons of rock and bamboo and twitching demon monkeys. Or the rotating cannon platforms on the side. Or the giant plow on the front topped off by an adult kraell skull. Or maybe it was Fang pedaling his little heart out behind him.

“What is that thing?” he murmured.

“The Death Wagon 2.0,” I explained wearily.

Emporos just looked back at his own tiny wagon. “Damn it,” he muttered.

“Alright fine,” I admitted finally. “Maybe you were formerly employed by the Flow. But what are you doing here now? In my office?” I demanded, straightening. Yeah, I was an administrator now. I should act like it. This person was the interloper.

The masked demon just shrugged. “I’m a Merchant of the Flow. Which means I go with the Flow – literally. I can only appear around—”

“Gates,” I finished for him, reading from my tablet. Yeah, I had his file now. It was… very large. Very, very large. He did seem to be who he said he was – although, his mask looked a lot younger and more carefree in his photo. Fewer lines and wrinkles.

“So, uh, how are you here?” I insisted, focusing on him again. “I don’t see a gate.”

He spread his arms wide. “Well, technically, a gate is merely a concentration of nimbus large enough to begin drawing on the Flow,” Emporos answered as he stalked toward me. “And you, my dear, are practically brimming with nimbus.”

I shrunk away. Probably because he was being super creepy – hunched forward, eyes smoldering, feral grin, and weird shadows that shouldn’t be possible in here.

“That’s, uh… I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh, really? So, you haven’t been drinking the Flow?”

I froze, my expression perfectly neutral. I could do this. Keep it together me. I’d deleted all of the incriminating evidence, even the recordings—

“What? I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I squeaked. Perfect.

Emporos eyes dropped to the puffy white mug at my feet, a smirk on his lips.

I kicked it. Hard. So hard the mug disappeared into a cloud of vapor.

“That wasn’t what it looked like, plus you can’t prove it,” I finally broke, stabbing at him with a finger, my fox face scowling. “I deleted all of the recordings and you don’t even work here anymore.” Yeah, that’s right. I was totally safe.

“Ahh, but did you delete the offsite backups?” he asked innocently, stepping around my office and inspecting the furniture and screens full of notes hanging in the air.

I hadn’t had a chance to clean up after studying for the Tutorial.

“The offsite backups?” I asked.

“Tsk, tsk, tsk… you haven’t finished the Data Management Tutorial yet? That should have been your first choice. Rookie move there,” he said.

“Wait, you know about the Tutorial?”

Yeah, that’s right, I’d used the Cheater’s Honorary Rule Number 5 – When in doubt, deflect, deflect, deflect. I wasn’t proud of it, but desperate times called for desperate deflection. Shit… that was one of Fang’s teachings, wasn’t it? What had they done to me?

“Know about it?” Emporos scoffed. Then his demonic smile widened, stretching nearly the width of his mask, the spirits above flickering and flashing. “I’ve finished it.”

My attention whipped back to the demon.

What? Was that even possible? How?

“I can see you’re intrigued. How far along are you?” he asked innocently, leaning back and inspecting my notes once more. “Oh, here it is,” he continued as he found the latest prompt. He let out a whistle. “Wow. You have a while left, huh?”

My shoulders slumped. He was right. “It never… it never ends. It just keeps getting longer and longer. It’s impossible,” I murmured, despair warping my mask.

And suddenly he was standing there, close – too close really. His hand on my shoulder. His voice whispering in my ear – such sweet, incredible words.

“What if I told you there was a way to skip it?”

When I spun, he was suddenly lounging atop my Floaty Couch®.

Yet I didn’t even care. Was he telling the truth? Was there a way?

“Ahh, you look skeptical. Yet surely you’ve brought up my file by now, right? So, you can confirm that I’m telling the truth. I can sell anything. Anything at all.”

My tablet indicated that he was indeed telling the truth. If I’d had a heart, it would be beating so fast right now. Even my palms felt sweaty. But not so sweaty that I couldn’t turn off the recordings again. I could deal with the backups later.

“What would your help cost me?” I asked finally.

“Oh, nothing much,” Emporos replied with a wave. “It’s just that, while my Death Wagon is a marvel of spiritual engineering, it doesn’t have any windows.”

He was right. The vehicle was just a black box on wheels – a little uninspired after watching the Cheater, if I was being honest.

“I guess what I’m saying is that I’d like to rent out your cubicle for a bit. Keep an eye on this pair of…” he trailed off, his eyes on the screen where the Cheater appeared to be playing with his new “battle onesie,” practicing with the spines and his shield.

Emporos seemed distracted, staring wide-eyed. Maybe it was the armor.

“I don’t know about this…” I murmured, feeling uncomfortable.

“Ahem,” the demon coughed and his attention whipped back to my face. “In that case, I can sweeten the pot. I’m intimately familiar with this Nyx. In fact, you’re not the first administrator I’ve met who was assigned to his case. I suspect that experience would be invaluable, no? Assuming you wish to see him die brutally?”

“Oh, I do. I really, really do,” I murmured. It was like he understood me.

“I thought so,” Emporos replied, then leaned forward on my Floaty Couch®, his eyes gleaming and shadows coiling overhead, threading through the Flow. That was… disconcerting and I watched him warily, my tablet clutched in my hands like a shield.

“So, what do you say?” he asked. “Do we have a deal?”