Chapter 42 - Appraisal
We’re finally here.
The moment everyone has been waiting for.
It’s been such a long journey. With its ups, its downs, but mostly its overwhelming victories. Staring contest champion. Acting CEO of Fin-Fan, Inc. Master negotiator.
I know, I have a tendency to go on tangents. To avoid important and stressful and possibly terrible answers to questions I don’t really want to ask. Like, could I have figured out where the guidepost was on my own? I mean, I built some sort of poison rocket drill, right? Or helped, anyway. And surely this wasn’t rocket science.
All fair points. I probably could have – probably should have – made more of an effort. And I’m not ignorant of the effect this has on you. On my audience.
How the many major unresolved plot points start to back up? How you get clogged up and bogged down by the many irrelevant details until it’s hard to even remember why you’re still here, straining to figure out what’s going on? How it leaves you feeling narratively constipated? It can be frustrating, sometimes painful, and often unpleasant.
But it’s all okay now. Because we’re finally here.
Specifically, just south of the shaft—my apologies, the guidepost.
I know, it’s probably not what you were expecting. Smaller. Thinner. Made of some sort of weird, translucent crystal, spirits tumbling through its depths – like a small part of Cocytus had been captured in that rock-hard vessel. More mist spiraled through the air above the column, thick and white and touching down just at the tip. More proof that the gatepost was connected to the Flow – to whole of The Five Rivers. The wellspring of life itself.
And there was an audience of course. Familiar faces – Peri and Lipos. A few of the sirens. A dozen or so sapiens. A smattering of locals. Oh, and a couple hundred tour-guides. Also, our leader – our head tour-guide supreme. A tavros. One of the few I’d met besides Horus. His fur was brown, though. And his name was Linus.
I was starting to notice another pattern.
But that’s just another tangent. I know that now.
However, I won’t hold back anymore – I can’t, even if I really, really want to. It’s finally time our us to feel the Flow. That exquisite relief as the building pressure drains away in one magnificent moment of near ecstasy—
Only to be followed by a sudden emptiness as we wonder what else could possibly fill that void. That hollow space now inside of us.
Maybe… maybe I was just trying to save you from that—
“Oh, gods, are you ever going to finish?” Fang snapped.
Ahh, he was standing beside me, glaring, of course – still bitter from his most recent defeat. “Just touch the post and show Linus your status. It is not that hard. You do not need to monologue. Especially one so weird. What was that? With the shaft? And the pressure…
His eyes went round. “Ahh, I get it now… it is because you are the asshole.”
“What? No—” I started.
“Really? That is the metaphor, yes? Just south of the shaft? That would make the shit your status? It is fitting. The introspective and honest hunter acknowledges his terrible stats,” Fang recited, claw raised. That one was definitely new.
As for his other points. Ahh, well… okay, he might be right.
Maybe I didn’t really think this one through.
“And why does Lili not stop you – are you really okay this?” Fang shouted in my ear, drawing a few curious glances from the other tour-guides.
“I’ll allow it, mostly because it pisses you off,” she muttered, my right hand giving Fang a corrupted one-finger-salute. Apparently, she hadn’t forgotten how he’d tricked her.
Fang just snorted. “Figures. You will change your mind. Trust me. You should have stayed on my team,” he hissed, watching the others touch the column in the center of the room, light flashing each time – one of the tour-guides taking notes.
Those judgmental snake eyes centered back on me. “Not that it matters. You will probably not pass. Will probably embarrass yourself in front of your many new friends,” Fang said, scratching at his snout with a bored expression.
Oh, shit. I didn’t even think of that! What if they were terrible? Like Lipos was here and I felt like me and my brother-in-thickness had bonded.
Wait, no—this is what Fang wants. I can’t let him trick me like this!
“You know what? If this gate is so bad – if spending time with us, with your family is so horrible – you can just stay behind,” I told him.
His eyes squashed flat. “You mean it? You will not force me somehow—”
“I mean, you’ll just be admitting to your family that you’re still weak and ineffectual and only average at murder. Still a Buzzkill. But they already expect that.”
Oh, yeah. I could use his own thing against him.
He sniffed at me. “They are not even here. They don’t even know about—”
“Hey, there’s Nicolas and Buzzkill!” someone shouted from behind us.
Right on fucking time. It was perfect.
Fang stiffened, turning ever-so-slowly to find his entire family pouring into the building. The one on the western side of Apati. Right beside the entrance to the Forge actually. There was a huge pit, one that seemed to stretch down endlessly.
When I’d asked Fang, “Hey, what’s this giant hole and the building beside it?,” do you know what he told me?
It was a treasure hole. For storing his family’s treasures.
Then he asked me to fetch something from the bottom.
Of course, I didn’t. I did the opposite. I did literally anything else.
Which, on reflection, he knew I would. He’d tricked me.
Also, that’s why this was fair – inviting his entire family, I mean. Using his pride to force him into attending this underground tour of the Hellforge with me and Cole.
“Why do I have to go again?” the elf whined beside me, wearing a disguise – a ratfur moustache and a big floppy hat. He was worried Peri might recognize him. It seemed to be holding up pretty well – no one had even looked at him. He’d also passed the test with flying colors. Okay, they were sort of dim, but he still passed.
“Ahh, no reason,” I said, eyeing Fang’s “family.” They looked pretty… shadowy.
“It’s what he gets for tricking us,” Lili growled. This had been her idea.
I was impressed. Also, mildly terrified.
Also, you see what I mean now? Gaslighting people you knew was way easier.
Shit, Fang was looking suspicious again.
“What now?” I taunted him. “Will you take the test or run away? Maybe crawl down into the tunnels and start applying some eyeliner? Because I’m not afraid to show mine. So, what about yours, Fang? You ready to whip it out and see how we compare?”
His eyes met mine. Mine met his. We still hadn’t touched the guidepost.
Then he broke like I knew he would. “Fine. I will do it, but you will regret this!” Fang snapped, glaring at me as he approached the guidepost.
He settled a hand on the column and light flared—
I was expecting it to be bright, but holy shit.
Compared to the others, the light was practically blinding, cascading through the enclosure and many raising their hands to ward off the light. Seriously, it was like staring into the face of the sun. And in the middle of that blaze stood Fang, his status glowing before him in glorious white relief.
New Passive Skill Acquired – Patience
Status
Vessel
Fang
Strength
41
+
13
Rank
Silver
Vitality
42
+
14
Title
Agility
141
+
42
Spirit
Mist
Endurance
51
+
21
Evolution
Fledgling
Nimbus
71
+
36
“Wow. That savran is mid-silver rank.”
“Here? In the Outer Reaches?
“Woah, this definitely isn’t his first gate…”
“He even obtained a new passive skill!”
Everyone was talking about Fang. Everyone.
And that brooding, reclusive sadist who used to hide in his little lizard lair made out of rusty knives just to “get some alone time?” He was soaking it up.
Fang smiled, showing more than a few teeth, saluting Linus and Peri where they were watching with the other tour-guides. Even the elf registered surprise, just the barest twitch of an eyebrow. And Linus looked like he wanted to start a fight with Fang right now – like he wanted to rip him apart with is bare hands and shove his broken spine down his throat.
I was so jealous. This… this was supposed to be my moment.
Yet Fang wasn’t done. He exploded, mist billowing out across the room and wafting up to walls as the other tour-guides and would-be tourists gasped and drew their weapons. Suddenly, a trio of Fangs was standing there in the center of the room, each striking a pose, their scales glistening and spinning, shimmering daggers of mist spiraling around them.
The narrative has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the infringement.
Then the real Fang killed the others, stabbing them and each exploding theatrically, the onlookers slowly sheathing their blades and watching wide-eyed.
Clap, clap, clap. A small pitter patter that soon turned into thunderous applause.
“Did you see that? A cloning skill?”
“And area denial. Plus, I bet his spirit uses less nimbus in the mist.”
“Impressive. I wonder how many clones he can make…”
Little did they know that it was all show. He could get it up, but he couldn’t keep it up. Warfare was all about endurance, after all.
“So, how did I do?” Fang taunted as he strut back to me, that infuriating grin still on his stupid, scaly face. “Do you think you can measure up?”
Oh… oh, that son of a steaming hot—
“Wow, Fang,” Manslaughter spoke up from behind me, both of us whirling in surprise. “I knew you had grown stronger, but this… this is incredible. To think one of my offspring – a male, at that – could match my own strength.” She seemed taken aback, eyeing her son with an expression I’d never received from her. Respect maybe?
But I still had disgust, confusion, and curiosity. So ha!
Fang swallowed hard. “It is nothing,” he sneered back. This isn’t my full power – my full strength. Only the beginning.”
He scratched his nose as he spoke, trying hard for nonchalant.
His claws were shaking slightly, though.
Hmm, maybe Lipos had been on to something before.
Also, the more astute among you might be starting to question this. Like, wasn’t Cole still here? Wasn’t the gaslighting still going on? Was that even the real Manslaugher? And while we were at it… had that result even been real? Could Cole’s gaslight spirit affect a guidepost? A bunch of other Guides? I mean, we hadn’t tested that yet, had we?
Those are all fantastic questions.
Unfortunately, it was most definitely real – Cole looking at Manslaughter and Fang’s many sisters in confusion, shaking his head. And I hated it.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, interrupting this awkward moment where everyone was praising Fang and his incredible abilities. “Are you coming on the tour?”
Manslaughter just shook her head. “No, of course not. This is a death sentence. I was just curious to see your status,” she replied, side eyeing Fang before turning to me.
See? Right there! Curiosity! Also, a faint note of disgust.
Ahh… ahh, shit. Now I was feeling some pressure.
But it was finally my turn. After all this time, I was—
“No, just go touch the fucking post,” Fang snapped. “Or I will make you.”
Wow. Somebody was acting really confident after his amazing showing. Fine. I won’t drag this out anymore. I just walked up to the guidepost and touched the shaft.
And, then… boom.
New Passive Skill Acquired – Horticulture
New Passive Skill Acquired – Brewing
New Passive Skill Acquired – Baking
New Passive Skill Acquired – Vacation Planning
New Passive Skill Acquired – Auto Maintenance
New Passive Skill Acquired – Smiling
New Passive Skill Acquired – Business Planning
New Passive Skill Acquired – Accounting
New Passive Skill Acquired – Rocket Science
New Passive Skill Acquired – Civil Engineering.
[Rocket Science] merged with [Engineering] - [Engineering] Rank Up!
[Civil Engineering] merged with [Engineering] - [Engineering] Rank Up!
[Business Planning] merged with [Economics] - [Economics] Rank Up!
[Accounting] merged with [Economics] - [Economics] Rank Up!
[Baking] merged with [Cooking] - [Cooking] Rank Up!
[Brewing] merged with [Cooking] - [Cooking] Rank Up!
[Cooking] has evolved into [Chef]
Woah. Like… woah.
So, first off, I gained a huge number of skills. Way more than Fang. This is exactly why you should take breaks – why rest was so important. That’s why I’d planned our family vacation. Experiencing new things was essential for growth. Critical really.
Although, I wasn’t sure what merging skills did—
Ahh, it just increased the rank of the skill. See? Free experience!
Also, the evolving thing was interesting. Although, I didn’t have much information on what that meant. Oh, well. Besides, there was something important.
My head clearly hadn’t exploded from eating those skill gems. And while they were most definitely gone, they had unlocked something new. Something fascinating.
Skill Gems Consumed: x2 silver, x3 copper, x4 bronze
Total Corruption Reduced by 20%
Status UI Updated
Advanced Status
Vessel
Unknown
Sanity
Unstable
Rank
Silver
Memory
Compromised
Title
Rat King
Mood
Insecure
Strength
53
(76)
+
31
=
75
(107)
Vitality
76
(109)
+
28
=
96
(137)
Agility
24
(34)
+
6
=
28
(40)
Endurance
70
(100)
+
32
=
92
(132)
Nimbus
144
(205)
+
60
=
186
(265)
Spirits
Evolution
Corruption
Lili
Fledgling
25%
Maribel
Fledgling
5%
Total
30%
Oh, yeah, that’s right! They reduced my corruption!
No wonder I’d felt so light… so limber. How I’d managed to pull my family through thick and thin with just some knee grease and a healthy helping of love.
And with my fancy new Status, I could now see my total corruption. My original stats. Those big, thick, massive numbers. My true potential written there for all to see. Proof that I was better than Fang. It was just math. All of those fancy equations pointing to one inevitable truth. That I was stronger. Tougher. Slightly slower, but much better looking—
What? What was that? What about the Sanity category? The Memory one?
Ahh, well… you know what?
On second thought, this all seems incredibly subjective. Like how does the Flow even come up with this information? And what does it really mean? I mean, what’s really the difference between a Strength of 1 and 100? See? Vague as shit.
The much more important thing here is that there’s now a tradeoff on using the skill gems, right? At least, for me? Because I’m special? I could either use them to upgrade my many, many, many amazing skills… or I could eat them and reduce my corruption rate! Which would give me access to more of my huge, incredible, enormous stats.
Stats that had boosted my lowly, broken, hollow vessel all the way to silver.
Yeah, I was amazing. But there was still one more thing to check…
Battle Onesie – Unknown Rank
The living skin of a Toxifovos. Proof of its commitment and complete lack of trust– ensuring that its future mate will never stray or die or get dismembered or go the bathroom.
At least, not before marriage.
What the hell was this? This was the prompt for my battle onesie?
Was it talking about PK? Giant, poisonous death kitty with an even bigger heart?
I mean, I won’t deny that we had a connection. That we were more than just friends. But I think he might have gotten the wrong idea about our relationship…
Oh well, I’m sure that won’t come back to haunt me. Right? I mean, we parted on good terms and I’ll probably never even see him again. And if I do, I guess I can just explain things, gently. Specifically, that I’m a lifelong bachelor – doomed to die alone.
Just like Fang. Honestly, that’s probably what brought us together.
Although, the prompt did answer one question that had been bugging me for a while. Like how was I using this item? You know, since I couldn’t use spirit infused items? All that fancy equipment Fang and the rest of the tour-guides were wearing? Yet, I was able to put on the gloves and the hood and use the spikes…
Turns out, there’s a loophole. I can use the item if it’s still alive.
Although, that was a little creepy. I preferred my clothes to be dead. Super, super dead. Had I really consented to this? I was new to the whole consent thing but that felt like a no, right? I mean, you all remember how PK basically forced me, yeah?
“Oh, gods, this hits the spot,” Lili purred in the back of my mind.
Wait, what? What was she—
My eyes widened as they refocused on the scene before me. Oh, shit. Lili was currently draining the guidepost, using my distraction to devour that sweet, sweet nimbus, inky corruption now threading that glorious white pedestal and stretching up, up, up, and stretching off toward the river in the distance.
Although, she was right. It did feel soooo good. Tingly. I’d missed this.
“Right? Just give in… just let it happen,” she growled as she stroked the shaft.
Again, not sure I’d consented to this either.
More concerning, warnings started popping up, glowing red and bright…
WARNING! Corruption Detected. WARNING!
Terminating Connection…
The energy abruptly sputtered out, a backlash of nimbus surging back down that tenuous connection and slamming into the shaft, rippling through the crystal. The surface cracked, crumbled, and then exploded apart, blowing crystal dust in every direction. Maribel had my back, though – my shield materializing and blocking most of the debris.
Which left me staring at the ruined, shattered remains of the column.
That wasn’t great. Plus, it felt like I’d forgotten something really important—
My eyes went round, my hand jerking back.
My audience! Shit! Shit, shit, shit.
I whirled, heart hammering in my chest, expecting to face the worst – all of those tour-guides staring at me. Lipos and Peri and Linus and most of Fang’s family. To face the judgement and horror in their eyes – the weapons in their hands.
It likely wouldn’t be the joyous celebration of Fang’s power I’d just witnessed. A chance to reconnect with my estranged mother and earn a scrap of her respect.
But fear and attempted murder were close, right?
Almost the same thing as respect and a hug?
“No, not really,” Lili drawled. “Besides, they’re all gone anyway.”
She was right. The room was strangely empty. Which was a relief…
Also, incredibly insulting! They hadn’t even stuck around for my test? Really? Not even Fang and his family? He’d even passed up the opportunity to insult me!
Where the fuck was everyone? Where did they—
I cut off as I stormed out the door.
Ahh, I found them. They were all just standing outside and staring at the sky for some reason. And what the hell was that sound? That high-pitched wail sounded a lot like the sound system I’d installed in the Fin-Fan factory.
“What’s going on? You missed my test!” I snapped at Fang.
He didn’t even respond, just pointed straight up.
What? Why was he—Oh, oh my…
The ever-present vapor was thinner as night began to fall across the Five Rivers, the savran finishing up at the factory and the mist retreating back to the river. Which is how I finally caught sight of what they were all staring at. Specifically, the giant chunk of rock that was hurtling toward the Five Rivers, leaving a long trail of fire in its wake. And it was getting big fast. Almost like it was heading this way – like directly at us.
A beam of light suddenly shot from the depths of the bamboo forest, fiery and red and pulsing. It slammed into the meteor, slicing clean through the space rock, and dividing it into neat halves, each one curving to the side before striking the depths of the forest. The ground trembled underfoot and dust spewed into the sky.
“What was that?” Peri demanded, his resting-elf-face frozen in a scowl. “That was clearly a guide that stopped the meteor. Gold rank, at least?”
“Probably,” Linus growled with a nod.
“Out here? In the Outer Reaches?” Peri scoffed. “Who could possibly—”
I smacked my forehead as the realization came to me. I thought that location looked familiar – roughly in the direction of the PB&B. I’d completely forgotten to tell Peri about this! It was fine, though. This seemed like an organic time to bring it up.
“That’s, uh, probably just our friends. They’re looking for us.”
“Us?” Peri repeated, suddenly glaring at me.
I just pointed at Fang and jerked the other thumb at myself.
“Who could possibly be looking for you two?” the elf snapped.
Wow. That was hurtful. Plenty of people! But, in this case, just two…
Fang tried to stop me then, shaking his head and his eyes going wide.
“Horus and Eris,” I chirped.
Everyone outside froze – all the tour-guides staring at me again. They were all being super quiet. I’ll be honest, I kind of enjoyed the attention. It wasn’t the clapping and respect I’d be looking for; possibly even craving. But it was close.
“Horus and Eris?” Peri repeated. Seriously, he echoed me a lot.
“There… there could be other people with that name,” Lipos offered, looking nervous. It was easy to tell, he’d stopped compulsively eating the plate of burgers in his hand.
“Uh, possibly,” I chirped. “But these two are with the Order of Apollo.”
“The Order of Apollo is after you two?” Peri ground out through clenched teeth.
“The Sun Scientist is here?”
“Oh, good gods. We’re all going to die—”
“Maybe we should just brave the forest—”
The others were muttering. Clearly nervous.
“Uh, yeah. Of course,” I replied, wrapping an arm around Fang’s shoulders. “We’re wanted men. Impressive, right? But we have a plan for this situation. Trust me, we’ll be able to keep Horus and Eris occupied for a while.”
Peri just shook his head. “A plan? To distract the Sun Scientist and the Butcher of Tartarus? Two of the most dangerous vessels in the Order of Apollo?”
“Yep,” I chirped back with a big smile.
For some reason, no one on my team spoke up. Not Fang. Not his smokeshow of a mother. None of his sisters. Which was odd. They’d loved the plan when I explained it.
“Actually, they told you it wouldn’t work and you were crazy,” Lili offered.
Ahh, alright… well, I remembered that differently.
The elf took a deep breath, closing his eyes… and when he opened them again, resolve shown there. He glanced at Linus. “New plan. We need to hurry and conquer the gate and then get the hell out of here. When can we move?”
The tavros cocked his head, his eyes skimming the other tour-guides. “Tomorrow morning at the earliest. Judging from the distance of that beam, I’m guessing we have a couple days until they make it here depending on how fast they’re traveling.”
“Oh, great! We’re starting the tour early?” I asked, excited, popping up between the two of them. And here I thought I’d ruined my chances after breaking the gatepost.
“No, you aren’t coming—” Peri began, glaring at me. Then he seemed to second guess himself. “Actually, you know what? Sure. You can go too. At least, if you can answer a few questions. Like do these other people know how to grow the blood fruit? He waved at the others standing there and staring.
“Of course. All of our employees have been trained,” I declared proudly.
“Perfect,” Peri purred. “In which case, sure. You can definitely come with us. In fact, why don’t you go with the first… tour group?”
“Really?” I asked in excitement. Oh, this was better than I could have imagined…
“Yes. Now, I have to go prepare,” Peri said, cutting off any more of my questions as he bustled away with Linus and the other tour-guides, barking orders.
“Of course! Don’t worry! We’ll be ready!” I called after him.
Then I nudged Fang beside me. “You see that?”
“Yes… yes, I did,” he answered, his eyes squashed flat and glaring.
I understood how he felt – mostly jealous, I suspect.
“I got to come and I didn’t even have to take the test. See? I told you. I’ve always been special,” I said, smiling and watching the dust cascade over the top of the forest.
That was just met with a long, slow hiss of pure jealousy.
This was going to be amazing.
But Peri was right. I needed to get to work. To prepare. I hadn’t lied to the elf – we had a plan for dealing with Eris and Horus, but we’d have to move up our timetable.
Luckily, I knew just the group to help out…