I descend the stairs, with a heavy atmosphere of melancholy enveloping this grand yet cold mansion. Wherever I go, I see a sense of hesitation on the faces of all the household members. I no longer have the mental capacity to think about anything else, not even the wounds on my legs and arms are painful anymore. I had anticipated great joy upon seeing Andermis, but once again reality reminds me that life will never unfold along the path I yearn for. Yet, I am not resigned. I know I need him, that's all!
I cannot find Francine anywhere, and it worries me. At this age, the little one is cognizant enough to wander on her own and gradually break free from her mother's embrace. I hastily inquire with the family members, but none of them has seen Francine. Panic-stricken, I dash off to search for her, accompanied by Anna and a few loyal ones. Despite all my efforts, finding Francine feels like catching a ball in the pitch darkness. Never before have I seen this house become an endless maze like it is now. I cannot confront these three major issues all at once. My heart may shatter before anything new takes bloom!
While I am nearly engulfed by despair, Francine's laughter suddenly resounds, awakening this weary body. I lift my gaze. From outside the door, a gleeful Francine is laughing as if there is nothing to worry about, as if she hasn't caused her mother to undergo an absolute panic. But what surprises me the most is that she didn't come in on her own, but rather, she is sitting on Andermis' shoulders. The two of them look perfectly matched, as if an invisible thread binds their fingertips. Francine sits high up, her hands tightly gripping his stiff, dishevelled hair. In an instant, I forget my own troubles and burst into laughter. Andermis also seems happier upon seeing me again. Francine spots me and immediately exclaims, "Mummy!" with such a clear and loud voice. I want to pretend to be angry because she made me worry, but when I see this cheerful face, I can't be angry.
"Where were you going? I've been looking for you, my child!" I embrace her, speaking in a slightly reproachful tone.
"Papa took me horseback riding!" the little one utters in a jumble of incomprehensible words. "Papa played and made me happy!"
"I just carried her on my back and ran a few rounds in the courtyard!" Andermis explains. "And the little one kept calling me 'papa'."
Initially, I am slightly taken aback when I hear my daughter referring to him as her papa instead of uncle. I always pay great attention to teaching my child. Francine has never met either of them, but I did not forget to show her their pictures throughout the years of separation. I hold her tiny nose and ask:
"This person is your uncle Andermis. Don’t Francine remember what I have taught you?"
"Oh, really?" the innocent child replies. "So, what he says about not being Francine's pa-pa is true?"
"No, he is not your pa-pa," I smile, gently explaining.
"Then where is Francine's pa-pa?" my daughter's round eyes look at me, seeking answers.
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"Your pa-pa is tired. He will come find you once he's fully recovered. Francine must wait for him!" I say.
Then she turns to look at Andermis standing beside us. She gently rubs his face, right on that budding, scruffy beard. Tilting her head, she says:
"So, you're not Francine's pa-pa?"
"No, I'm not, little one!" Andermis smiles. His finger gently caresses her cheek. "I am your Uncle Andermis, your pa-pa's younger brother!"
"Francine!" I call out her name. "Listen to me, why do you call him pa-pa?"
"He plays with me and makes me happy!" the child says in her limited vocabulary. "I want him to be my pa-pa."
Once again, she leaves me astonished. Sometimes I wonder if this is just the innocence of a child. What's even stranger is that a part of me doesn't feel angry when Francine says that. There was a time when I truly thought about what it would be like if Francine were my child and Andermis were the father. But the truth remains, I cannot change the reality of my own affection. I shake my head, using my index finger to gently tap her tiny lips, and say softly:
"No, you can't, my dear. You already have a pa-pa, you can't say that!"
"Yes, mummy," she nods.
"Alright, now Francine, say goodbye to your uncle and go to your room!"
I let her down to bid farewell to Andermis, then I walk with Anna to our room. The two of us adults stand there, watching our child ascend the stairs, feeling younger ourselves by a few years. Andermis lets out a faint laughter and then turns away. I look in his direction, a sense of regret surges within me. I step forward, calling out his name subconsciously, but it comes out as a whisper. Andermis stops in his tracks, somewhat reluctant, but then turns back. I speak hesitantly:
"Are you leaving already?"
"No, I will return to my unit tomorrow," Andermis replies politely.
"Why so soon?" I ask, a face filled with regret.
"I'm just taking my brother home, then I still have duties to attend to," he answers with formality. "Besides, there's nothing here that holds me back."
As he finishes speaking, he nods farewell and turns away. A glimmer of hope suddenly flickers when he says that. I know that he still cares about me, that this image is still alive within his mind. I summon all my courage to interrogate:
"How do you know there's nothing left?"
Andermis turns back to look at me, and his figure freezes for a moment. I hold my breath, waiting for his answer. But as I wait, and wait, and wait, the only response I receive is a meaningless smile from him. Andermis silently turns back and returns to his room without saying anything. He doesn't bother to look at me. In fact, the previous Andermis would have immediately noticed the wounds on my body, but now, he shows no signs of care or concern, as if I mean nothing at all. However, despite his coldness and indifference, I still believe that things are not that simple. I stubbornly cling to a small ray of hope for my love, for him. I can't easily discard it as I did before. Faith, Enzo, family, or this marriage—I underestimate and overlook them too lightly, and I have no intention of repeating that in this matter. I love Andermis, and I’ll fight for it!