I have missed so many parties since Francine was born, even forgetting the taste of expensive brandy bottles. I sit in a corner of the reception room, quietly enjoying Mrs. Patmore's famous caramel cakes, and answering the greetings of the gentlemen and ladies. I look around the room and do not see a trace of Francine anywhere, I guess Lady Rose has taken care of everything. Then I turn to my husband who is sitting at the same table with his friends, but with a rather dissatisfied attitude. Once again, our fate is tied together, even though we are both ready to separate. The Morten name has been destined to be attached to my life forever. I cannot wash myself clean, no matter how hard I try. My mother-in-law's words suddenly come back to me. I see her sitting across from her friends in her club, but somehow I feel like she is whispering in my ear.

The orchestra starts playing the first notes, and the couples begin to hold hands. I breathe heavily. I do not know when I started to hate the dances. A step is never beautiful when dancing with the wrong person. I cannot remember how to take the right steps, because they have been stiff since the day I got married. I will not be able to find anyone suitable to dance with anymore.

Andermis in his cream white outfit steps in front of me. He reaches out his hand, with an expectant expression. My chest suddenly becomes restless. My hands itch, both wanting to grab his hand and trying to restrain myself. Andermis has never faded in his thick, solemn and elegant suits. In the first moment, I seem to be standing still before his invitation. The space around me seems to stop moving, and only my heart responds to him.

"May I invite you to a dance?"

I can imagine myself and him dancing together on the beach, with swaying palm trees under the shadow of the setting sun. Seagulls soar, lazily dozing on the clouds. Carefree crabs dig into each small grain of sand, waiting for the day to build a sturdy sandcastle against the crashing waves. I can see myself holding his hand tightly, without hesitation, fear, or haste, but slowly savouring every note of the music. I see everything, even though what I see is merely the result of imagination, desire, and on the threshold of reality. I want to grab his hand, but I cannot. I am not granted the right to do so.

I bow my head, trying to link my thoughts, finding a reason to seize that chance. Andermis patiently holds out his hand in front of my eyes. The music still echoes, and people continue dancing, indifferent to anyone else. The dim yellow lights make people feel tipsy, and alcohol is the catalyst that takes us to another space. I silently gaze at him, with a mind like a moon split in half. What should I do? Will the band stop playing for a while, and people stop dancing, so that I can concentrate and find my answer? Like a vulture perching on a tree branch, waiting for the tiger to leave the flesh and the bones of the poor deer, Lady Rose sits across from me, her eyes fixed on every move I shall make. To my right, my husband sits drinking without caring about anyone. It seems that no one in this room can give me the answer, so I have to draw my own conclusion. I close my eyes, trying to listen to the flow of time in my blood and memory. I should be the only one to know what to do. No one but me should recognise the limits of oneself, and the best thing I can do is to redeem my mistakes.

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I raise my face, and his hand is still there, while the music continues to play. Andermis beams with hope when he catches my gaze. He knows that both he and I want to dance to this tune. Everything is set: a broken marriage, a pre-existing affection, a party with alcohol and music, a plausible excuse for those with affection to hold hands... The only thing that is missing is willingness. Will I be willing to take his hand?

"I am sorry... but I think I will dance with my husband."

Resolutely, I stand up and walk towards my husband, who is sitting with his group of friends. I dare not look back, for I am also pained by my decision. I want to cry right now, it would be easier than trying to hold back the tears, but I cannot do that. I cannot feel horrified dancing with my legal husband on Christmas Eve. I cannot do that when my name is already on the marriage certificate. There are so many things I cannot do, but hurting others is still something I am good at.

Augustin stands up when he sees me coming back to him. My husband's face shows some surprise when he sees that. I have to pretend that I am truly happy with my husband. Over time, everyone becomes a good actor. Now I can smile at anyone. Without letting Augustin say anything, I step forward and kiss him. I close my eyes, and the tears flow back in. I feel happy. I have to be happy. And I pretend to be happy.

"Dance with me..."

I whisper in his ear while hugging Augustin's large body. Everyone in the room, including the band, stops for a moment. At first, my husband is still hesitant and passive, but then he quickly leads me to the centre of the room. The conductor observes the situation, then signals the drummer to start the opening notes, followed by the rest of the band playing the melody. The people around continue to dance. I cannot see Andermis anywhere, and suddenly a feeling of emptiness spreads throughout my body. Each step of mine becomes ponderous, and the floor seems to be lined with frozen nails. I see Lady Rose smiling with satisfaction, and I think it is a righteous thing. But why does it hurt so much?