I cannot face Andermis directly, let alone speak a word to him. Throughout the evening party with the family, I can only surreptitiously glance at him when he is focused on something else. The only thing I cannot endure is Andermis' lack of concern. I can see the pain in his heart and in myself, but that face cannot show anything. He still drinks, eats cake, and even laughs when Augustin tells a silly joke. And when he inadvertently catches my gaze, the only thing he appears, is nothing. No anger, no sadness, or reflection, just himself. Isn't that a good thing? After all, what am I waiting for? That someone else will be willing to destroy their life just for my selfishness?

Christmas Eve has ended, and we all return to our own cage. My husband feels a little dizzy from the amount of alcohol he drank, so he goes to the room first. I just finished breastfeeding Francine, but my mind was as confused as a tangled thread. I cannot think clearly. I have never felt as indecisive as I do now. I broke up with Enzo in just one conversation, married Augustin in just one day, and decided to let go of my obsession with Enzo in just one night... I seem to have never lost my direction like this before. I look at Francine sleeping soundly after being fed, perhaps that is the only consolation for me throughout the day. I cannot stop thinking about Andermis, about the dance I missed. Like an invisible force pushing me, I suddenly stand up and open the door. I look towards Andermis' closed door, and my heart suddenly tightens. I feel like an opportunity has opened up for me, but like every time, I let it slip away. Heartbroken, I just want to go back to my room immediately, and if I still have tears left, I will be crying for a while. But I am afraid that even my tears are no longer enough.

The door suddenly opens and my feet are frozen on the floor, unable to take another step. I turn around and catch Andermis changing into his night clothes, holding an empty water bottle. He looks surprised to see me still awake and asks, "Fiona, haven't you slept yet?"

I hesitate and shake my head. "I just finished nursing Francine. I can only sleep when she is sound asleep."

Andermis smiles but says nothing more. He seems like a different person after that incident, as if he has completely erased my existence from his mind. I can accept being disliked or hated, but being forgotten as if I never existed is a judgement against me. Andermis nods for a greeting and walks away. I expect him to say something, but only a cold feeling responds to me. I cannot help but ask, "Where are you going?"

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Andermis gently replies, "I was thirsty and finished all the water. I didn't want to bother anyone, so I went to get more."

"Tomorrow…", I grip my hands tightly and anxiously speak up.

"What about tomorrow?"

I take a deep breath and silently pray for an answer that will help me sleep well tonight. "Will we continue studying tomorrow?"

"Of course! Why wouldn't we?" Andermis responds immediately.

"I just thought the incident this afternoon might affect us..." I smile and answer.

"Oh, why would that matter?" Andermis laughs mockingly, as if it's nothing. In that moment, I hope he stops at this sentence. I did not know that everything would take a turn for the worse, worse than anything I could have imagined. For so long, no matter how many lessons I have contemplated, I have never become wise. I am still a little woman in a vast world that I thought I had mastered in the palm of my hand. I have never known anything, and even now, it remains the same!

Andermis steps up the stairs and stands in front of me. He towers over me, his size never failing to amaze me. I had been thinking of something else, of something I desire, but nothing happens. Andermis only chuckles softly, as calm as the autumn stream and the falling maple leaves. Gently, he says, "You are my sister-in-law, what could affect this relationship?"

I am left speechless by Andermis' words. I do not know how to reply because those were the same words I had said to him. As the proverb goes, you reap what you sow, and I may have found my reward!

I only manage a slight smile instead of a response and the end of the story. I turn and head towards my room. However, as I place my hand on the door handle, something inside tells me to stop. I do not know if Andermis is still there or not, but it no longer matters. I turn and walk back to my old room with Augustin, where my husband is probably sleeping soundly. I hesitate and wonder if I should open the door, but after thinking of what happened earlier, I have no other choice but to go inside.

How can one lose so much in such a short amount of time? This Christmas, I have lost the last person who did not hate me and the only one who made this heart tremble...