Christmas, 1915, Moderford Estate, southern Cambridge.

I stand in the room, by the window frame, an emotionless face gazing towards Augustin, who is enveloped in happiness with his small family. Lady Rose, Mr. Lionel, little Francine, even his own love affair will later have intimate encounters with him. His family has everything except me, while my family is absent here. If someone were to ask me when I feel the most estranged, I would say it is right now.

I have waited for this moment, day after day, week after week. I have anticipated that when that carriage halts, I would rush down from my room adorned in a brand new dress and the most dazzling jewellery, so that I could be reunited with the man I passionately love. Yet, when that door opened, Augustin was the only one to step out. I fell silent before such an unbelievable truth. Andermis remains peaceful and untroubled under that rain of bullets, but he chooses to forsake his holiday and stay behind, simply to avoid meeting me. The necklace around my neck snapped, its pearls scattering like reverse-falling raindrops, just as the door closed in that very instant. I was not prepared for this. I am not strong enough to accept this truth! Have I truly lost him?

The sound of knocking startles me, awakening me from my anguish. Hastily, I smooth the damp creases on the corners of my weary eyes. My hands swiftly fix the garments, now marked with folds and wrinkles. The person outside patiently continues to knock, and I cannot leave them standing there indefinitely. But as I pass by the mirror on the cupboard, a voice from within tells me to halt. I stand there, gazing at the reflection of myself, looking utterly wretched. Fragmented like a torn piece of paper, I realise how ghastly and withered I have become. Cracked lips, and faint lines of wrinkles appear on my forehead. I dare not even look at myself for long. I push it aside and step forward to open the door. It is my husband, Augustin, in his gleaming uniform, as if he has never faced bombs and battlefields. Of course, I feel relieved to see him well, as the father of my daughter, for a long time I have viewed myself as a widow. Seeing his exuberant face, I stammer:

"You're perfectly fine, then let's consider it my prayer fulfilled."

"If you wish to know about Andermis' situation...," Augustin steps into the room without hesitation, his eyes wandering, searching for familiar spaces. "He's fine. Healthy and unscathed. I tried to bring him back, but Andermis insisted on staying. It seems to be related to a female military nurse he encountered."

"You don't need to tell me anything," I coolly shut the door, pretending indifference while a myriad of discomfort churns within me. "If what you say is true, then it's good for Andermis alone. He deserves a good woman by his side."

"And that won't be you, Fiona," Augustin leans against the windowpane, crossing his arms, looking at me with his characteristic sneer. How I wish I had seen that smile sooner! "Because you are not a good woman. You destroy everything you touch."

I know Augustin is trying to drown me deep into the abyss of guilt, but I am no longer the Fiona he once knew. I am a woman full of mistakes, my entire life has been hidden in darkness, and now I am strong enough not to step into it anymore. I approach my vanity table, retrieve the blush palette and the wine-coloured lipstick, adorning my face once more in the mirror. I completely ignore Augustin, regardless of his constant provocations. I gaze at myself in the makeup mirror, applying lipstick and saying:

"Yet there was someone who tried every means to marry me."

At first, I thought it was a casual remark, simply a way to counter Augustin's condescension. But I couldn't foresee that those words would make him erupt. Suddenly, Augustin tightly grips my hand and jerks it backward. The lipstick smears a long line across my cheek and falls far away into a corner of the room. Augustin's furious face looms in front of me, terrifying enough to render me motionless for a moment. The longer I wait, the tighter his grip becomes, as if both resentful and reluctant to let me slip away. Augustin growls like a ferocious beast, and if his intention is to threaten or frighten me, it seems that Augustin has succeeded!

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"It seems you haven't learned any lessons, have you?"

"Let me go, Augustin," I struggle helplessly. "You're hurting me!"

But Augustin seems indifferent to anything else. I hold my breath tightly to withstand his rage. Veins bulge across his arms and neck. It's not just pure anger, but also a hint of helplessness and heaviness. He speaks with a deep, reproachful voice:

"Do you still think I married you out of possessiveness? Don't you think that all these years, I still had love for you?"

"I doubt that," I try to remain calm facing him. "You only love this face, this body, you've never loved me for who I am."

"I love you, Fiona! I truly love you! How can you be so foolish not to see that?"

Augustin shouts loudly, like a wild beast let loose. He pushes me onto the bed, trapping half of my body between his legs, holding me tightly like an iron chain, not allowing me to escape. I strike him with my hand to free myself, but the strength of a woman is no different from using an egg to fight a rock. I quickly find myself overpowered by him. But he sheds tears! How can he shed tears when I am the one being cornered? I cannot read him, neither before nor now, I am always in the dark. What is Augustin thinking in his mind?

"How can I speak as if I am the sole victim in this story, huh? I always try to be a good husband, but do you ever try, even for a moment, to become a wife? You push me away every time I try to get close to you. Do you think you are the victim? No, Fiona, I am the victim, yours! Not just me, but Enzo and Andermis too, we are all destroyed because of you!"

With those words, Augustin goes mad, tearing my clothes apart mercilessly. I sob, looking at my body exposed, only covered by a thin layer of delicate silk, unable to stop him. Augustin leans down, pressing close to me. His large finger wipes off the smeared lipstick on my cheek, revealing a beautiful yet terrified face. My body trembles continuously, like a person in convulsions. Augustin grabs my chin tightly, while tears stream down my eyes. I don't whimper or scream, tears simply fall as an expression of helplessness. His fingers slip underneath my lingerie, but he doesn't rush, leaving it untouched while relishing the sight of my tormented face. Augustin lets out a heavy sigh, with a hint of indifference in his expression. His face, from this distance, is beautiful and captivating, but I am no longer in a phase to be amazed.

"You are still my wife, Fiona," Augustin says with a lofty and intoxicating demeanor in his military uniform. "You should be grateful that I still have some feelings for you. Without me, you are nothing! Status, position, wealth... The only thing you have is the souls you ruthlessly kill!"

His hand jerks forcefully, causing my bra to come undone, exposing my naked body in front of him. I close my eyes, silently calling out Andermis' name, hoping that he comes and protects me as he has done so many times before. But no one comes. The only thing that comes to me is Augustin's hands roaming over my body. I bite my lip, determined not to let any sound escape. I won't allow Augustin to think that he has taken everything from me. He might possess this body, but not this mind.

Augustin flips me over. My hands tightly grip the bedsheet, my hair falling over one eye, while the other looks out towards the window. I see a bird soaring high, so free. Augustin mumbles something, but I don't hear anything. The bird flaps its wings, then lets go, alternating between the air, leisurely and carefree. My mind feels numb, devoid of any sensation. Silently, my tears flow down, and my lips tremble. I suddenly call out his name.

Andermis.