June 1912, Aries House.

I stand in front of the door, on a smooth stone floor, watching the servants pack our luggage onto the carriage, and my husband observing them. I stand there silently like a stranger, dressed entirely in black from head to toe. My parents-in-law are also standing beside me, but they are clearly keeping their distance from me. I know this, but I also have no desire to be close to them. Andermis is behind me, looking at me with pity in his eyes, but that is the last thing I want to receive. My face has been like this for two months, completely devoid of joy, anger, love, or hate. I even gave up my studies. Now, there is nothing that can excite me anymore. I have become a human puppet. This body still exists, but what is inside has become completely empty.

Augustin walks towards me, smiling and says: "The luggage is all done, we shall go now!" I nod slightly in agreement. I walk over to where my parents-in-law are standing and hug them. Everyone seems to be very gentle with me, even my spiteful mother-in-law. She kisses me on the cheek, although I can smell the taste of insincerity and restraint in it. Andermis also steps forward to greet me. We hug each other. Perhaps that is the most genuine thing I can embrace today. We communicate only through our eyes, and I am extremely grateful when Andermis tries to share his pain with me.

I link arms with Augustin and we walk towards the car which is ready to go. Augustin opens the door for me to step in, and of course, he sits next to me. Now, I have the opportunity to clearly admire this large house. It turns out that my house has a bright red roof and light yellow walls with vines that make it look very ancient. When I first came here, I saw it with my own eyes, but only now do I see it as beautiful. Perhaps that is the difference between coming and going. Last time, the car brought me here, and this time it takes me away. After so many months, I finally can return to my home.

I slump my head against the car window, ignoring the jolting of the wheels as my head bounces against it. Augustin reaches out to embrace me, but I hold his arm back. I am not looking for peace or sweetness. I need something bold and painful to wake me up. I know Augustin is looking at me with a tired expression, and he is trying very hard to control himself, but nothing is helpful right now. My gaze is blank, looking at the scenery around me retreating behind. My finger clings to the pearl necklace around my neck. Tiny and warm, I seem to be able to feel the wrinkled and reddish skin of my daughter. Tears run down my cheeks, even though my face does not show any pain. What does the dead know about pain?

I named the little girl Elizabeth, a traditional but appropriate name. How many outstanding women in England have the name Elizabeth, and I always hope this baby will grow up with so many expectations. But I did not know, I could only hold her for twenty-six minutes. Exactly twenty-six minutes, and everyone took the baby away from me forever.

Elizabeth was just a little bigger than my hand, and only weighed a little more than a black bean. Her skin was pink and wrinkled as if she were always frowning. But Elise was incredibly beautiful in my eyes. I cried with happiness watching my child that I was carrying for months. Elise inherited the pure beauty of her aunt Diana, the clever lips of Aunt Thena, and Uncle David's high nose. There was no greater love than the love I had for this baby. Watching her fussing and crying sounds just like the sound of a piano. Perhaps only mothers could compare like that. I love every level of her cries, I love when those small little fingers hit my hand and my chest. Oh Elizabeth, mother loves, loves you indescribably!

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But then the worst thing happened. Twenty-six minutes later, the little girl stopped crying, to the astonishment of everyone in the room. My in-laws, my husband, Andermis, the old doctor, and all the servants looked at me with dejected eyes. I was silent for a moment. I did not know what to do. I thought Elise was tired from hunger. I was sure of it. I immediately pulled down my dress, revealing my breasts that had been leaking milk since who knows when. I whispered to my little daughter, constantly calling her name, hoping to make her uncomfortable and cry again. My mouth was smiling, but tears were falling for no reason. I placed the baby's head next to my breast, but Elise did not show any movement. She was motionless like a doll. Her warmth gradually faded and became stiff. It was only then that I accepted that my little Elizabeth had died. Five months were not long enough for her to survive in this life. I looked at my husband, and his haunting head shake made me lose my composure. My face contracted. I screamed with all my last strength. I cried and begged God to have mercy and give Elizabeth back to me. But does the divine ever respond? I cried out at fate! The biggest punishment a mother can receive is to lose her child right in her arms. I had Elise right in my hands. I hugged her, kissed her, and tried to breastfeed her for the first time. But after only twenty-six minutes of life, Death took her away... He had taken Elizabeth away from me!

There was nothing more painful than burying your newborn child with your own hands, but I still desperately begged to do it. I lost my child, and God would curse me if I left her before she rested in the ground forever. I, myself, the mother who cradled Elizabeth during the short time, had to do it. I wrapped my little one in a knitted blanket that I had made for her, neat and pretty like a bouquet of white lilies. My baby's head leaned to one side, with its tiny hands placed on the bow that I tied around the blanket. Elizabeth as if wrinkled her nose, and her wide-open mouth calling out "Mommy" making it even harder for me. Augustin locked himself in the room all day, and even though we were separated by a wall, I could still hear his cries of grief. Andermis helped me bid farewell to the baby for the last time. He lifted Elizabeth's chin and made its lips touch each other. He even placed a gentle smile on those lips. But no matter what, my heart shattered when I saw that my child had become nothing but a cold and lifeless body. I was even more devastated when I realised that the baby had lived long enough to develop fully, but I could not keep her alive long enough to exist.

Tears roll down my cheeks, wetting the black dress I am wearing. The carriage stops, I sniffle as tears run into my nose, despite Augustin handing me a handkerchief smelling of soap. The driver steps down to open the door for me. Finally, after more than half a year since I got married, I have returned to the beloved house where I grew up with so many memories. Andermis thought that being able to come back with family would help me feel better. I am not sure if I can overcome this pain, but that will surely help me stop obsessing over it. Losing Elizabeth has made me lose all the motivation to live that I already had so little of. Now, this flickering life can only rely on those who always love me unconditionally. I wish I had never had to leave this place, but it is all just a wish…