Certainly, as expected, I am truly pregnant, and the identity of the father is still a question mark. Although time and signs have inclined me towards Augustin, part of me still hopes Enzo left me something? Am I really to blame for thinking like that? I do not know anymore, I'm just an ordinary woman. Sometimes, I just want to be selfish once, even if it means being criticised.

I am due to give birth in September this year, and of course during this time, I am forced to stay completely indoors and limit going out as much as possible. I thought if I were pregnant, my life here would be a little easier. But it seems I made a mistake. This is just another good form covering a birdcage that I am that pitiful bird.

My day revolves around the piano, brand new books on the shelf, and attending tea parties with my mother-in-law and members of her club. Now I am "seen" as a great achievement by my mother because I have "met the standards" with her "royal" grandchild. Needless to say, the stories they discuss are full of narrow-mindedness and I feel so frustrated. They are all elegantly dressed, well-educated, but looking at others with scrutinising and judging eyes.

Being separated from my family is the thing I hate the most. During my pregnancy, my husband's family did not allow me to go home to visit everyone, even though my belly was still small. I am like a soldier standing between two fronts in a civil war. Without music, I might have gone crazy and thrown myself out of the highest window of this mansion. I also have Andermis. No mistake, it is Andermis, not my husband. Augustin is also very good, I do not deny that. Every day, he buys me expensive things, like pearl necklaces, new dresses from France, and even grand music nights held in the house, just to make me happy. But I do not think so.

Andermis brings me a different feeling: safety. He has become an "unwilling mentor" to me. Since I no longer go to school, Andermis has offered to teach me whenever he is free. He works at a small courthouse in the district. He could have advanced further and faster with his family's wide connections, but he declined. Andermis knows that all his decisions will be entirely dependent on their voices if he accepts their help. That is why he has to fend for himself, not out of any false nobility.

"Let’s review your old lesson! Who is the subject of Roman Law?"

Andermis' voice resonates gently in my ear, while I am distracted looking at a butterfly fluttering outside the window. Today's weather is hot and depressing. I'm wearing a stuffy shirt, constantly fanning myself with a handheld fan. A woman's temper is extremely unpredictable, and it's even worse when she is pregnant. I'm in that phase. Despite only a few months of pregnancy, I already have some discomforts.

"Oh, Andermis... I want to flutter like that butterfly!"

I lean on my brother-in-law unconsciously. I just feel extremely tired and unable to concentrate. Anything, no matter how small, like a piece of paper falling on the floor, or large, like flying clouds, interests me. Today's sky is cloudy, but I still feel dizzy. Suddenly, I have many vague desires. I suddenly long for love and to be loved. Sometimes I see Enzo's silhouette. I can imagine the movements, the collisions on both our bodies. I can smell the masculine fragrance on his body. I can touch his nose, the dry and stiff layer of his lips, and a chin with sprouting beard. I can bury my head in his neck anytime, anywhere to feel that distant warmth. Oh! I have desired too much! Oh! I am so depraved, but I cannot stop.

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"Fiona, are you alright?"

I can hear the hesitation in Andermis' breath and gestures as I lean my head on his shoulder. I lift my head and gaze at him in silence, my eyes full of hidden meaning. I can see Andermis' eyes wavering, and I know that I have drawn him into this dangerous game. No, Andermis has been involved since the very beginning; he only needed a little push. The intoxication of desire has made me reckless. And even though I am aware of my mistake, I continue nonetheless.

To Andermis's surprise, I move closer to him. The hormones in my body are heightened, as if I had downed a whole bottle of vodka from the USSR. Andermis keeps asking me what's wrong and if I am okay, but I ignore his words completely. Interestingly, the closer I get, the more horrified Andermis seems, but he does not move an inch, as if he is waiting for something. Our faces are only a short distance apart. Andermis seems entranced by my eyes. It has been a while since he stopped talking and focused only on them. My hand lightly touches his lip, and I smile teasingly, reminding him that there is nobody home... Augustin and my father-in-law have gone to the bank, and my mother is at the club. Today, it is just the two of us at home, and in this study, it is just us alone.

"Fiona..." Andermis pants. His straightforwardness has kept Andermis steady until now. "This isn't right..."

"Tell me..." I'm acting out of my mind, moving even closer to him, and if Andermis just lowers his head a bit, our lips will touch. "Am I still young and beautiful?"

"Always...", Andermis nods. Our noses touch. "You are always the woman I care about..."

"And love?" I ask softly.

"... And love."

"Even now?"

"... Even now."

I lean in and give Andermis a kiss that he may have been waiting for too long. Andermis hesitates at first, but then responds to what he desires. I myself crave a sexual desire that can satisfy me. I also want to be loved. Augustin does not give me anything but possession, while Andermis turns me into a goddess. I can feel in his every move, the worship emanating in its true sense. His hand rests on my chest and gently massages. My hands have been holding onto his neck since I do not know when. I bite my lips tightly, trying to keep the moans in my mouth. I enjoy this affair, but it is not like love. I just want to touch happiness. I just want to try to take control. I do not want sex to be just a tool for pregnancy!

In the ecstasy, Enzo suddenly appears as a Saviour wanting to help a lost child. Enzo does not say anything. He just looks at me with disappointed eyes, despite all my efforts to run towards him. I scream, kneel and beg, but when I step forward to hug him, Enzo turns into smoke. Then I also woke up from the blindness of lust. I leave Andermis' lips in horror, with both sides of my forehead covered in sweat. Both of us look at each other with horrified eyes. I quickly leave Andermis, lucky that we have not gone too far. I mutter to myself:

"What have you done, Fiona?"

Tears stream down my face. Like a guilty woman running away from her husband before he discovers her affair, I run back to my room. Andermis calls my name behind me, but I am too ashamed to turn back. What was I thinking after all?