"Okay, I want you to complete this essay by the end of this week," says my brother-in-law, looking at me with a serious expression, making him stand out from other men. I understand why someone as stern and strict as Andermis constantly gets entangled in short-lived relationships. Women can easily be swayed by a handsome man, but it is his demeanour that keeps them around. I just cannot imagine why Andermis has not settled down yet, but part of me does not want that to happen soon. Am I that evil?

I close the books on the table and smile at him. Next to Andermis, I feel an extremely peaceful atmosphere. I don't need to pray to God at the head of my bed every night to be free. Andermis has given me that: freedom and respect. I will be very jealous of any woman who stands by him. I know something is happening between us, but I will never dare to pursue it. Andermis deserves a kinder and better wife than me. And even if I compete, this marriage has become a shackle that ties my feet. Andermis and I are forever like two people on two trains going in opposite directions, unable to meet even if we want to.

I notice that his wedding ring is gone, which raises a few doubts in my mind. Andermis seems to be keeping everything about his new wife and short marriage a secret. He does not seem to show any concern or regret, but instead, it seems like a release for both of them. I silently watch Andermis put all the books in his bag and observe his every move. Inadvertently, I ask:

"You don't talk much about Mary..."

My question has taken Andermis by surprise and everything seems to freeze. Andermis' stunned look towards me suddenly makes the atmosphere tense. I realise that it is a taboo issue for him, but it is too late as the words have already left my mouth. While I am unsure of what to do to salvage the situation, Andermis speaks softly:

"There is nothing to say. She simply deserves a better husband than me."

"You are already a good man, Andermis," I look at him seriously and firmly. "You have protected me since I came into this house, helped me when I had no one else, and been my companion during the toughest times. All the girls want to be with you."

"All of them?" Andermis laughs lightly, looking at me.

I quickly withdraw my hand that was placed on Andermis' hand, feeling both embarrassed and angry. I am not angry because I feel disrespected, but because I feel ashamed. Andermis, still like when we first met, can somehow see through my thoughts. I immediately turn my head to the other side, covering my blushing cheeks. I do not look at him, appearing stern, and say:

"I am your sister-in-law, Andermis. Do not joke with me."

With that, I stand up and leave in a hurry. I do not even bother to observe Andermis' facial expression. I truly care, but I cannot delve deeper. I am afraid that my feelings may affect those around me. Too many things have been destroyed by my impulsiveness, and I do not want to repeat that. Francine already has an unfaithful father, and I do not want the little girl to face such a mother like that.

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Andermis grips my hand tightly and pulls me back. At first, I am awkward and jerk away, but then I remain still. He releases me and looks silently while my eyes stick to the floor. I can hear the heavy sound in his breath and smell the masculine scent of cologne. I will not pretend that I am immune to all the emotions that we have for each other, but fear makes me hesitate. I cannot gamble everything I have on a source of inspiration, a good gesture, or a desire. I no longer trust my instincts, especially after the mistakes that have cost me too much.

I thought Andermis would turn me around, then hug me tightly, or say sweet whispers that I could not refuse and had to accept. But I am wrong. I thought Andermis would do what I secretly wanted, but he was always a noble and better man. He sighs and says, "I'm sorry..."

Do I feel disappointed? To some extent, I wanted to hear him try to persuade me. If only once, Andermis would tell me his true feelings, his plans, and desires. I shake my head, abandoning my thoughts, and then wander out of the room.

Every night, when everyone was asleep, I woke up with myself, my inner self, and emotions. Have I realised anything for the past few months of struggling to survive in this large but lonely house? Only one word: loneliness. The wind of loneliness flooded into the room, leaving only me and Francine, I felt deserted. Everytime I awoke at midnight and went to Francine's crib, the beautiful baby sleeping soundly with a peaceful expression. I lightly touched her dimpled cheek with my finger, then recoiled, fearing I might wake her. Francine is my precious medicine, my treasure, and my saviour from this sinful soul. Without her, I would have long been submerged in a sense of loneliness and emptiness. But when she grows up, who will I have by my side? I act as though nothing else matters but my daughter, but deep down I care about other aspects of life. I just want to be a normal woman, living a normal life with the man I love and our children. But it seems that can only happen in my dreams.

I walk towards the staircase to return to my room. Francine is probably about to wake up, and the little girl will certainly demand milk, so I have to go up and prepare in time. Family members are still decorating for the Christmas dinner in the evening. Guests will come to visit in the afternoon, and the dinner will be for family members. I do not have any interest in these parties, but as the wife of the heir of the Morten family, I have to be present.

The parked car outside shows that my husband has returned. I smile slightly, thinking that my husband would be so indifferent that he would not care about the most important holiday of the year while being with that woman. But Augustin is nothing to me anymore except for the title on the marriage certificate, and I quickly push aside the image of him. I do not consider myself a saint, as reality has shown that I am not, and I never will be her, but that does not mean I have to forgive what he has done. Anna sees me walking up the stairs in a hurry and asks:

"Lady is about to give little Francine her milk?"

"Yes," I stop in the middle of the stairs, surprised to see Anna holding a tray of pastries. "Why?"

"Nothing, my lady," Anna shakes her head. "Master Augustin took little Francine to the study earlier. If you want to find her, please go to the study."

"Why is my daughter with the master?" I look at the maid with a sceptical face. "Do you know why?"

I walk down the stairs, getting closer to Anna to find out. The maid gently replies:

"I don't know. But the master went with a friend of yours."

"My friend?" I am surprised.

"Yes, your reading partner, miss Francine."