In September 1914, at the Moderford mansion in the southern part of Cambridge.

"The uniform looks beautiful, but I don't like it..."

It must be said that my husband's family is extremely wealthy, and their presence can be found throughout the South of England, so it's not difficult to locate the Morten family. My husband's family decided to go to the Moderford mansion for one last peaceful month. I notice that Andermis' door is unlocked, and in a moment of boldness, I open the door and step inside. Andermis is standing in front of the mirror, admiring himself in the military uniform issued by the army. Except for his father, who doesn't need to go to war, both of his sons, Augustin - my husband, and Andermis - an important person to me, have to go to the front. Thanks to their wide connections, and of course, a huge amount of money, my in-laws have managed to secure positions for Augustin and Andermis that offer a higher chance of survival. Andermis becomes the secretary of General Ross, a friend of my father-in-law, while Augustin is favoured with a position in the army's medical corps, although I don't think he knows anything about this issue.

My younger brother David also received a summons, and he came to my husband's house yesterday to go with the Morten brothers. My mother and sisters also came to see him off to the battlefield. I don't have many connections to help David, but my younger brother doesn't want me to do that. David wants to fight like a real man. My younger brother has vowed to hold a gun to protect the Motherland, and despite being overwhelmed by anxiety and fear, as his older sister, I am obliged to support him. We will be a source of spiritual support for David, so that he knows that there are people waiting for him to come back in the rear, and when the war ends, he will truly return!

Next to David, there is another person whom I care about the most, Andermis. I am in the same room as him, looking at him from behind as the worry and fear of Andermis fill every gap in the space. Hearing a voice, Andermis initially startles, but then feels at ease knowing it is me. Seeing me, Andermis smiles softly:

"War makes everything beautiful ugly."

I slowly walk over to him and straighten his crumpled collar. Andermis stands still like a statue, allowing me to decide how he should look. After finishing, I also remember to brush away the excess threads on the seams. When I am sure Andermis looks the most complete, I gently say:

"Now you can step out there like any other proud man!"

"Thank you, Fiona..."

He smiles gently, and that seems to touch my heart once again. Since the war broke out, the relationship between the two of us has not progressed, but it is no longer as awkward as before. But that is what I fear, like an omen before death. I am afraid of all possible scenarios, as well as fragile hopes that might be reversed. I am more afraid than those who have to go to battle. The front line is crumbling under bullets, while the rear is still full of hope. I dare not gamble anymore...

"I have this for you..."

I take out a small gift that I have prepared and agonised over all day yesterday, not knowing whether to give it to him or not. My knitting skills have luckily not faded away after a long time. I knit a brown pouch with a pattern of a crane on the front. It's small, but it cost me many sleepless nights with my lamp burning. I put it in Andermis's hand and say, "I don't know what you like, but I think you will need it. You can put paper, pen, medical bandages, or even fragments of shrapnel in it...," my voice is a little shaky, and a little regretful. "Or the picture of any girl you meet..."

Andermis takes the bag, unable to hide his happy face. When someone is happy, that emotion will spread to those nearby, but this time, I don't feel that way. I cannot feel happy as usual and have to face the fact that this could be the last time we meet. This bag cannot keep him here, so I am happy that he likes it, but I am also in pain knowing that nothing can change. "I'm afraid there will be no women in there," Andermis smiles. "But I can carry a picture with me."

"Just promise me that you will come back in peace...," and as if remembering something, I quickly correct myself. "Two of you... Three of you… have to come back in peace!" I believe that even the dumbest person in the world can see the clumsiness in my speech. Andermis doesn't say anything but just looks at me with a smile, and that only makes me more embarrassed. I cannot concentrate if he keeps doing this. There's no other way, so I slowly walk up to him. At this distance, I can hear our hearts beating hard in our chests. Andermis looks down at me, and I look up at him, for a moment my tongue becomes stiff and I cannot say anything. I hesitate, but I also cannot just stand there. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I have wanted to do this for a long time, but I have also restrained myself so fiercely. I think even until the end of my life, I will not understand what I want. Strangely, those involved will never understand the essence of this matter. That's why Eva needed Adam, that she needed someone to understand herself.

I grasp the collar of his shirt with both hands, then stand on tiptoe and give those lips a kiss, though brief, as if our lips only brush by like a gust of wind over our heads. But I think that's enough, because like a drug, I won't be able to keep myself sober for long. I look at his dazed face and say softly, "Consider it my second gift to you. Stay safe and come back to us!"

But it seems I have underestimated a soul that has been thirsty for too long, or that it is just another petty scheme that I have come up with myself. When I turn around to take a step, Andermis manages to grab my arm and pull me back into his embrace. He holds me tight, and although my words object, my actions show the opposite. Andermis kisses me with a fierce passion that has been buried for so long. Neither of us seems able to resist. Last time I resisted my own desires once, and I don't want to let go anymore. But when my Francine cries out, I have to push him away again. Even though I now have a nanny to help me whenever Francine needs something, it still doesn't give me a chance to continue this. I've been alone for too long, and love is now extremely rare for me. I want Andermis, but if I have to choose between him and Francine's attitude towards me in the future, I know what I have to choose.

"Why are you doing this, Andermis?" I accuse in pain. "I thought you would want some encouragement before leaving, but if my actions have caused a misunderstanding for you..."

"How could that be a misunderstanding, Fiona? Can't you see it?"

Andermis looks at me with a pair of intense, emotional eyes. Something changes incredibly strongly in him at this moment. It is a determination that I have never seen before.

"I love you, Fiona! I know this sounds crazy, but I've had special feelings for you since the first time we met. We are both mask-wearers, we both hide our true selves, and we both have heavy responsibilities. I love you, Fiona. I loved you before I realised that I could not love anyone else!"

While I continue to try to deny it, Andermis keeps proving his feelings. He walks over and grabs my shoulders with both hands. With a sincere tone, he reveals:

"I'm sorry for not saying it earlier, I thought I could forget about you. When I realised you were in love with Enzo, I thought I had no chance. I couldn't use a method to have you like Augustin."

"Don't you think it's too late to say it now?" I now question in anger.

Did you know this text is from a different site? Read the official version to support the creator.

"I left England for France, just to forget about you. I married a woman like you, but it didn't last because she wasn't you. I pretended to be indifferent when I was rejected for a dance invitation, just to cut off all my feelings for you. But I can't, Fiona! I can't forget about you!"

With his red eyes, he speaks those words. Andermis has been harbouring these feelings for far too long, and they have grown too deep within him. We have both waited for too long for these things to still have any meaning. I grip my neck tightly, trying to hold back my tears, but I cannot. My tears flow down my cheeks, rolling endlessly. It takes me a moment to regain control of my voice. I look at him with regretful eyes and say:

"It no longer matters, Andermis," I shake my head repeatedly, as if trying to deny this truth. "It no longer matters..."

"It matters because we love each other, Fiona. That's all we need!" Andermis steps forward and takes my hand, affirming.

"I don't love you, Andermis..." I jerk my hand away from him and step forward, holding onto the headboard as if searching for a foothold to keep myself steady. Because what I am about to say will somewhat kill myself. "I like you, Andermis. You make me feel respected and loved. But I don't love you, Andermis. We are... brother-in-law and sister-in-law, we cannot move forward..."

My words make Andermis freeze. His face turns grey, and his expression seems to freeze into a distorted mass. He shakes his head in opposition:

"How can you say that, Fiona? How can you not see yourself when the whole world has already realised it?"

"I don't want to ruin your departure day, Andermis. But please, don't delude yourself with me anymore. I am not, and will never be the woman you desire. I am a married woman and a mother. Please forget about me!"

Is there any other way? Run away with him to the ends of the earth, leaving behind the conversations that will burden my family, leaving Francine behind to ponder about the mother who never appeared in her life? I cannot take the little girl with me. How can I separate my child's biological father from her life? Augustin has done nothing wrong to Francine, so I will be cursed if I do that to my own child, to the man who created her. In other words, I have no way out anymore. No matter how painful it is, I have to let him leave me.

Andermis bites his lips to prevent himself from going too far in the outburst of emotions. He bites his own hand instead. A drop of blood oozes on his lower lip, and a bite mark is left on his thumb. I know this will hurt both of us, but if we keep going like this, we will not get anywhere. Andermis is right, we are more alike than we think. He and I were destined to be lonely for the rest of our lives.

He wipes away the tears that are streaming down his face, and the snot that is running down his lips. He lets out a strong scream to contain all the heavy emotions inside. After a while, when he calms down, he looks straight into my eyes and asks, "Do you love me?"

"Why do you keep asking such questions?" I shake my head and refuse. I want Andermis to stop because I have reached my limit. If we go too far, I will not be able to refuse anymore.

"I need to know, Fiona!" Andermis insists. "Do you love me?"

I stare at the floor to avoid his gaze. Francine is growing up, and when the war ends, she will be old enough to understand. Therefore, I must kill this love, no matter how much I want it. I love Andermis. I love him passionately, but I cannot say it.

I shake my head and look towards a corner of the room, weakly responding:

"I do not love you..."

"Look me in the eye and say it, Fiona."

"Andermis..."

I hesitantly raise my head to look. As I feared, I almost couldn't lie to myself anymore. But when I remember it is necessary, I swallow and speak.

"I do not love you."

"Even at this moment?", he shakes his head incredulously. "You know this might be the last time we ever meet?"

"My answer remains the same...", I growl, determined to end everything. "I do not love you."

Of all the shades of expression, this is the first time I couldn't determine his true feelings. A little surprise mixes with disappointment, I can still sense a hint of resentment in those blue eyes. Both of us avoid each other after that conversation. He wipes away his tears and mucus before beginning to pack his belongings. I have nothing left to stay here for, but I can't seem to leave. I stand still in a corner of the room, silently observing every move he makes. Andermis doesn't show any sign of being broken, but that's what worries me, because that's when someone becomes most indifferent.

"Andermis, please... Don't act like that!", I plead.

But what I feared most finally became a reality. He hoists his backpack over one shoulder, puts on his military cap, and looks at me with an expression devoid of any emotion. Now, I'm not just worried about losing him in a romantic sense, but also facing the fact that he might die on the battlefield. The man I'm looking at right now is no different than a soldier with nothing left to lose. I can't see any willpower emanating from within him. Oh God! What kind of sinful thing have I done?

Andermis walks past me, and I think he will just continue on his way without saying anything. But when he stands by the door handle, he decides to stop. Andermis turns to look at me, silent as if giving me another chance to speak. But what should I say? I am afraid of hope. I could easily say those three words, because I also feel my affection towards him. But what then? And if I don't say anything, I may not have another chance to see him again. No matter what I do, I cannot have a perfect ending.

I just opened my mouth to say something, but Andermis immediately blocks the way. He hands me his pocket watch. I remember this item; Andermis once showed it to me. He treasures it more than ever, always carrying it with him. I remember that if I open the watch face, Satine's portrait will appear. Surprisingly, Andermis had taken out the picture since I opened it. I look at him with a suspicious expression, but he just gently says:

"I want you to keep it, Fiona. Keep it safe when I am away. I am not sure if I will be able to come back, but I hope time will help you. That only once in life, you will stop being selfish and accept the truth. Just once, stop thinking about responsibility or duty, but look at yourself, at what you really want."

"Please, Andermis..." I couldn't hear these words anymore. The more Andermis speaks, the more I feel doubtful about myself, about the moral system that everyone taught me. I broke the hearts of Enzo, Augustin, and Andermis; I will not hide or deny that. But besides that, how could I be called selfish when everything I do and act for is thinking of others?

"If I cannot return, find a lonely place to bury it, consider it as me. Keep pursuing your studies, Fiona; someday you will need it. My documents, books, you have the right to use them."

"Andermis, please don't speak as if you won't ever come back...", I step forward in front of Andermis and quickly put the cord of the watch around my neck like a piece of jewellery. My hand is placed on the watch face, and I fix it right over my heart. "I will keep it for you, but I will never bury it. Because you will come back, Andermis. You must not be pessimistic about this matter. I will not remember anything, so you have to be safe to remind me."

“I may come back, or may not, only God can answer that…", he smiles faintly, but the bitterness in his words still exists. "I have to prepare everything before everything becomes a regret. I think you must be the one who understands that the most. To cherish what you have before losing everything."

Finishing his words, he places a very gentle kiss on my forehead. Something gentle and unburdened by anything. He uses his large finger to wipe away the tear at the corner of my eye. Then, he says goodbye:

"Be happy, Fiona."

I stand still watching Andermis descend the stairs. In my heart, I am suddenly moved by his image and his words. How can I calm down when he will leave me? In my life, there have been five men who loved me passionately, but each one left me, some already for good, some may never return. How can I be happy when the good things slip away from my grasp? One day, my mother will also pass away, my siblings will have their own families and their own worries, my daughter Francine will grow up and explore her own life. Only I will stay here, watching my world become smaller and smaller, until I am alone. I ask God, why can He create such a human being to suffer that wound? But like every time I pray or question before, no answer is returned, and I have to face that big question mark myself.