I hurry home, my eyes red and my face filled with terror. I pass through a crowd of people greeting me, but I no longer care about anything. I have just received news that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I weep, but no tears come, for somewhere inside me a few rays of hope still linger. I run long steps, hoping to get home soon, but the weight of the burden from somewhere presses down on my chest, making me even more exhausted. Finally, I manage to step into the house, but the pain only truly opens up to me now.

In the large room, my husband, Diana, and my mother are sitting together enjoying tea. The taste of green tea now becomes unfamiliar to me. I do not even remember the last time I peacefully enjoyed tea. Looking at them laughing and joking, suddenly, in this small and thirsty heart, I feel jealous. Why can they act as if nothing has happened? Why can they be so indifferent and hide it from me if it is true? There are still a series of questions that I want to be answered right now, but I need to know if what I heard is accurate.

"Mother, do you know?"

I look straight at my mother, who is preparing to answer my husband's question. My question appears to confuse my mother. She puts down the teacup, clasps her knees tightly together, and puts her hand on top of them, asking:

"I don’t understand what you mean, Fiona."

My husband recognises my uneasy expression. He stands up and walks over to hold my hand, concernedly asking:

"What's wrong with you?"

But now, all I have in my head is that one thing. No one, no matter what is important to me anymore. I push his hand away in front of everyone. I let him stand there, while I go to interrogate my mother. I just want to know the truth!

"Today, I met Garris... on my old hill. Mother, do you have anything to tell me?"

My mother's face turns gray and begins to fill with conflict. Diana also notices the change in her, squinting her eyes and looking perplexed. My eyes shimmer with tears, ready to burst at any moment. My thin, bruised hands clasp together until they bleed. I try to restrain myself, for within me there is still a glimmer of hope. I will refuse any answer that I do not want. I have already lost him once, I cannot lose him again!

"Is it true?"

"Mother, what's going on?" Diana takes my mother's hand, worriedly asking.

"Fiona, can you just calm down?" Augustin grabs my arm and pulls me back, but I refuse to be left behind any longer. I resentfully look at my husband, despite his near-breaking self-control. I pull my arm away from him sharply and say:

"I have to know, Augustin! I have to know!"

Love this novel? Read it on Royal Road to ensure the author gets credit.

I push Augustin aside, and everyone's attention now turns to my mother. My eyes are blurred with bitter tears, and my mother's answer may cause them to flow backwards or in torrents. I silently pray for something that is unlikely to happen, but I still stubbornly hold on to hope. Because if it is true, I will not know what else to do to carry on.

My mother looks at me with a face full of guilt, and a nod breaks down the entire wall that I built up. Both mother and daughter do not speak, but they feel each other's pain. I scream in anger and agony, feeling as if every bone in my body is being broken. Although Augustin does not understand what has made me so agitated, he still steps forward and embraces me tightly. Tears keep falling, and all hope within me fades away. My heart screams inside, emitting a deafening sound. I feel like a widow waiting helplessly for her husband after a war. Why do terrible things always seem to find me just when I think I can let go? Why does God always find ways to torment me? Am I really such a blameworthy woman?

"And you intend to hide it from me forever?"

"You have never asked...", my mother shakes her head.

"Does it ever occur to you that I am the very person who needs to know it?", I step out of Augustin's embrace and reproach everyone. I suddenly become a crazy person, not caring about what I could do to hurt others.

I step back until my back touches the cold wall. I slide down and sit on the floor with a lingering pain. I cry and moan like a widow grieving her husband. The room becomes stuffy like a graveyard with the whispers of widows. Diana also guesses what has happened, and at this moment, the shock is too much for her to bear. Diana covers her mouth and sobs. She quickly runs out of the room with an indescribable emotion. She does not know, and neither does Diana, nor ever dare to think that it could happen. If Thena and David were still here, this whole house would surely become a cemetery. None of us is ready for this. No one!

Stubbornly misunderstanding is the way humans deal with mental pain, and I am going through it. I stand up, hastily wiping away the tears. I do not believe it has happened. It was just this morning that my heart was still beating when I thought of him. Everything is still too new, and I cannot accept that Enzo has left me forever. Then a strange string of thought just obnoxiously haunts me: This might probably be a mean way of my mother-in-law or even Augustin to completely cut me off from Enzo. I even believe my own misunderstandings, just to deceive myself that he is still there. I am ready to deceive myself for the rest of my life, believing that he is not dead.

"I don't believe it! Something must be wrong!"

"Fiona, you have to calm down..."

"I can't calm down!" I shout at my mother's face. I have completely lost myself. But at this point, I no longer care. "He is my water, my sun and my everything, mother! I dream about him every night, he can't be dead!"

The more I talk, the more I display my own irrationality, but I keep talking. Regardless of everyone's advice, even my husband who is there with a sad and desperate face, I do not care. I hurriedly run outside where the driver is wiping the car in front of the yard. I cannot believe anyone in this house anymore. In my heart, I still believe that Enzo is still alive and he is extremely happy on the other side of the ocean. Surely it's true! I frantically make conditions in my head, only to wish that Enzo is safe and sound. I just need that!

Augustin and my mother run after me outside, calling out to me, but I got in the car and forced the driver to go as fast as possible. I need to go to the City Hall in Southampton to confirm the news. Although deep down I know that nothing can be changed, life always has its ironies. No one can always be sober at all times. I accept the fact that I have become a fool and dreamer, only to keep the fragile hope alive. It is not just because of my love for Enzo, but it is also a sense of guilt. Because if he really died, then I am the main cause of it. I can live the rest of my life if he hates me, despises me, or sees him happy with someone else, but I cannot thrive on knowing that I am the root cause that led him to a dead end.