I awoke the next morning before the sun. Andrian was still fast asleep and I carefully liberated myself from his embrace. He still had time to sleep and I had no intent of disturbing him. I quietly found a set of new clothes to wear and found the bathing room that a servant had pointed out the night before. After quietly washing myself and donning the new clothes, I made my way outside, heading towards the gardens. I wanted to take some time by myself to reflect before Andrian and everyone else were awake for the day.
The sun was just starting to emerge from below the horizon, and the garden was just barely lit by the twilight. The stars were still shining overhead and the moon was faintly visible, a faint and hazy shadow of its former glory. The air was crisp and cold, with enough moisture in the air to leave a faint dew on the greenery. I breathed deep in the fresh air and enjoyed a feeling of freedom as I walked the paths without worry of being accosted.
The past couple weeks felt like a fevered dream. My father’s decision to send me away and the entire trip to the capital felt like it was a lifetime ago. Yet my time in his home, the horrors and the torment he’d put me through, felt far too close for comfort. I knew in my heart that ten years couldn’t be erased in a matter of days, but I was frustrated with the speed of my own progress. Based on the memories that flooded my mind each morning, I knew I had uncovered a lot in that short time, but it didn’t feel like enough.
Recovering all these memories has been an incredibly surreal experience, I mused as I wandered along a path that led me deeper into the garden. Each one merges seamlessly and it feels like I’m recalling things that I simply forgot for a moment, not something that was gone for years. But, I suppose none of it was ever actually gone, if I understood what Estra was saying correctly. It was partitioned away from the active part of my mind. Bad memories locked up because I couldn’t cope with the present if I had to cope with the past. Good memories pushed to the side so I wouldn’t long for what was already lost.
The only new memories I’d seen so far were the ones from when I was younger. Memories of my mother, Andrian, and the life I’d lived before. I’d wake up with those moments in my mind as if I’d dreamed them, and it often took me all morning to come out of my daze and feel like it was all pieced together. I felt a sense of personhood that I didn’t know I’d been lacking, and it made me want more. I wanted to be whole again, even if the process of putting myself back together was going to be painful.
I’d forgotten what it feels like to want for myself. Hope was dangerous, but wanting things wasn’t even a consideration before. My goals on any given day were a full stomach, not drawing anyone’s attention, and avoiding getting beaten. I’d dreamed of escaping, but I never even tried to create a plan for it. I just imagined I’d escape without any actual thought as to how. Now that I think about it, I know my life there was awful, but I don’t really recall that many details about it. I know my father cursed me and beat me often, but I know it like a fact, not like it’s my own experience. Yet the responses are ingrained in me, like another part of my brain remembers it all with perfect clarity.
It was a hard concept for me to wrap my mind around. The harder I tried to remember, I realized that the details were obscured in fog. I could remember my room and the time I spent in there, I remembered the fear, and being hungry when I was punished with no food. But whenever I was called to my father’s study, whenever Albrecht managed to corner me, or when my sister brought her knights to beat me as a group for her entertainment… I couldn’t see the details through the fog. I didn’t want to see those details, but yet, at the same time, I did. The inconsistencies in what I could recall had begun to bother me.
What if this personhood I feel is just a mere fraction of the person I’m supposed to be? How much of myself did I sacrifice to just survive in that place? Before, it didn’t matter if I was complete, because I’d given up on being a person to stay alive. But now, there was someone who loved me, both the person I was and the person I was to become, and I wanted to be complete for him. No, not for him. This is for me. I want to be complete for me.
I’d survived. I was free from that place. I was safe now. But it would haunt me for the rest of my life if I didn’t come to terms with what I’d lived through. If I had to have nightmares about it for the rest of my life, it would be worth it to take back the parts of myself I’d lost there.
I want to be able to have a real conversation with Andrian. I want to tell him how I feel about him, and share my story with him. And… I want to be able to do more with him than what we did last night… The sky had taken on a red hue at this point, so even if anyone had seen me, I could have blamed the red sky for my inflamed cheeks.
I resolved myself to approach Estra and try to find a way to communicate that I wanted to move forward in the treatment. At the same time, an idea came to me that I needed to figure out a way to tell Andrian that I also wanted to stop in Rovette. The idea of going back to my childhood home inspired me with terror, but that terror was a sign that I needed to go there. I needed to go back to where it all started. I felt that knowledge course through me like a beacon leading my way for me as soon as the idea entered my head. I felt dizzy from the overwhelming certainty that this was the path I needed to follow.
I continued along the garden path, thinking things over. Soon the sun was making its way into the sky and the red horizon had given way to the orange and pink of dawn, before eventually becoming the blue of morning. It must have been getting close to the sixth movement and breakfast would be served soon. The path I'd followed had taken me around the back of the house and close to the barracks. As I began pondering on making my way back, I heard a commotion from up ahead.
“Hah! Is that all you got?” I heard a familiar voice shout, “Come at me in threes if you want any hope of hitting me!”
Coraggio's voice echoed out through the quiet of the dawn followed by the sounds of men shouting and swords clashing. Coming out from around the hedge, I realized I'd arrived at a training ground for the knights and soldiers of the house. Coraggio was surrounded by a group of young men, grinning ear to ear as he held about eight of them at bay. Farther down the way I could see quite a few of the beastmen were also out for a spar with the local soldiers, all of whom were taking on multiple opponents with ease.
The Second Prince and my father thought they could win a war against these people. They outnumber us and are far superior in strength… Why would they want to go to war with the Beastlands? Whether they staged the war or just took advantage of the situation caused by my father's men, they still sought out that war. Why would they want that in the first place? I was completely at a loss to understand their logic. I had to assume there was some underlying reason, but it was beyond my comprehension.
I watched the mock battles from off to the side for quite some time. The eastern Duke’s men didn't appear to hold any animosity toward the beastmen and they fought with smiles on their faces. Even the weakest and least skilled among them were impressive to my eyes.
“Doesn't it make you a little sad to know that this is how things always could have been?” I heard a voice ask from beside me. I looked and saw the Lady Carlotta standing next to me. I'd been so engrossed in watching the fights that I hadn't noticed her approach. “If only us humans had been a little bit smarter and a little more open, we could have had a mighty ally in the beastmen.”
She wasn’t wrong. Watching the soldiers sparring and learning together, I could clearly see what humanity had given up when we created the borderland and segregated ourselves in Vrayna.
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“Do you know why the Beastlands insisted on a marriage treaty?” she asked me. After indicating I didn’t, she began to explain. “Before the borderland was created and we sealed away both our magic and our relationship with the Beastlands, the beastmen had approached us to open up trade and cooperation. The humans of that time were disgusted by the idea of treating with creatures evolved from animals, so they used a marriage treaty as a decoy to distract the beastmen while they prepared the spells needed to create the borderland. The bride ran away once the spell had succeeded, and humans lost our magic in the process. According to our history books, the beastmen were raiding and threatening us and the borderland was created for protection, but the eastern duchy kept different records with the truth. The beastmen remember the story too. The new marriage treaty, for those who know, was an offer to go back and start again. And I know this well, because it was my idea in the first place. Your hateful father had a daughter of the right age and Rastari was prepared to take her on as a partner for the sake of the peace and pride of his people. He’s got the right temperament to deal with a girl like her.”
I smiled a little at that statement. My sister was cruel and selfish, but she wasn’t particularly smart. She would have been enraged at being forced to marry a beastman, and imagining Rastari scaring her into submission was a very pleasant thought for me.
“There is no end to my joy in knowing that your father tried to cause us problems but ended up creating a stronger treaty with a much happier marriage,” Lady Carlotta continued with a wry smile, “I’d love to hear your story someday. Not the hodgepodge of assumptions and guesses I was given last night, but the real story, from your own mouth. When you’ve had enough time to get there, come see me again. I’d love for us to have a cup of tea and chat.”
I smiled shyly at her and nodded my agreement. I’d like that too, Lady Carlotta.
“Are you certain you’re really his son?” she asked me with a skeptical look, “You’ve got his eyes, but you’re certainly nothing like him.”
I took her words as a compliment. My father wasn’t someone I wanted to be similar to.
“And did your talk with your handsome general go well last night?” She raised an eyebrow at me when my cheeks flushed in response. “I’ll take that as a yes. I must say though, I’m quite surprised that you accepted him so easily. Generally the men of Vrayna react quite poorly to the idea of congress with another man. Yours must have been a very special friendship for it to overcome that... and I do hope you are treating him as sincerely as he is treating you.”
My expression cooled at those words. Her tone had remained casual as she said it, but I couldn’t help but feel like I was being accused of something.
“No need to look so uppity, my dear. I’m not implying you're a spy for your father or anything like that. But it would be a shame if you were only using him to escape a bad situation and didn’t actually share his feelings,” she said with a pointed look and what I had come to understand was her usual level of candor.
I relaxed a little, realizing what she meant, and I could see why she might think that. I had to admit that I originally went along with all this because I didn’t see any other way out, but I never intended to use anyone. Besides, the feelings that had taken over me were unmistakable. It didn’t matter if he was a man or a beast or anything else. He was Andrian. He was my friend and savior. He was the person who never gave up on me, even after I’d given up all hope. But I couldn’t tell her any of that, and just shook my head at her to tell her she was wrong.
“Well, I wouldn’t blame you if you were, anyways,” she added after a moment. “These eyes may be old, but they still see a lot. You looked like you might pass out from stress every time someone tried to ask you a question about your father last night. I imagine it was all quite a bit worse than they actually know, wasn’t it?”
I chose to leave that question unanswered and went back to watching the mock battles still raging in front of us. The Lady Carlotta linked her arm with mine and gave my arm a gentle squeeze. She didn’t say anything more. Instead, she stood there holding onto my arm, watching alongside me in silence.
It wasn’t long before I saw Andrian rushing towards us, coming from the direction of the house. He looked a little frantic as he made his way over, and it was then that I realized my folly. I’d meant to be back to the house before he woke up. I should have woken him when I left. I’m so stupid. A part of me was terrified. I didn’t think he’d hurt me, but what if my mistake made him disappointed in me? Would something like this make him not want me anymore?
“Falyn!” he called out, pulling me into his arms as soon as he was close enough. “You were gone when I woke up. I was so worried.”
I hung my head. I felt terrible. I should’ve woken him up. I should’ve just stayed in the room. Dammit, I really can’t do anything right. I’m such a disappointment. I was afraid to look up at him. If his eyes were full of loathing, I couldn’t bear to see it.
“Hey, it’s alright,” he said coaxingly, “I’m not mad or anything. You don’t need my permission to go out. Come on Falyn, look at me, not the ground.”
I raised my gaze cautiously to his face and saw a face full of concern and eyes that still cared for me. My fears were unfounded, it seemed. At least they were this time. I had to make sure there wasn’t a next time. I couldn’t expect him to be patient with me forever.
“What are you making that face for dear?” Until she spoke, I’d quite forgotten that Lady Carlotta was still standing there. “You look like the whole world is about to end. I once forgot to tell my late husband that I was leaving to the capital for a month and I offered less of an apology than your tormented little face is giving right now. If I’m not mistaken, I’m probably the reason you got distracted anyways. He’s just overreacting.”
Blinking, I looked at the Lady Carlotta, perplexed by her words. She disappeared for a month and her husband forgave her for that? I was also taken aback that she thought Andrian was overreacting. He hadn’t cursed me, hit me, or even gotten mad at me. By my standards, he hadn’t reacted at all.
“Well, I’ll excuse myself now and let you boys sort it out for yourselves. Remember to come back for that cup of tea, dear.” With that, Lady Carlotta began making her way back to the house, leaving me and Andrian alone together at the edge of the training ground.
Once she was out of earshot, Andrian admitted quietly, “I was worried you were gone because you regretted last night. I was afraid you’d left because you didn’t want to be around me anymore. Honestly, I even wondered if you disappeared again… But I mean what I said. You shouldn’t feel like you need to ask permission to go out. Just because I got anxious doesn’t mean that you did something wrong, okay?”
I nodded. I understood what he was saying, but it was still hard to believe he wasn’t angry. However, he just held me against his chest and didn’t say anything else. I relaxed against him and went back to watching the training. I was surprised by how interesting it was to watch. I wondered how hard it would be to learn to use a sword. I liked the idea of not being helpless. Maybe someone would be willing to teach me at some point.
“Are you interested in learning the sword?” Andrian asked me, noticing my interest in the mock battles going on in front of me.
I think I would like to learn such a thing, I thought to myself as I nodded to his question. None of the people out there look like victims, even if they are losing the fight. I want to be strong like that too.
“After the joining ceremony is complete, I could find you a teacher, or even teach you a little myself” he offered, “We’ll have a few months of downtime before the human wedding in the capital. We could get you started on learning then, if it’s not too much. I’m pretty ignorant about this stuff, but I feel like maybe you’ll feel better and safer if you can defend yourself. Estra said you were interested in shaman magic too. He told Luxie and she told me.”
I was touched that they were all working so hard to help me. It had been a long time since I felt like I had people on my side. It was a good feeling.
“We’ll be leaving after breakfast. I’ll let the others know that we want to go south to visit my father along the way. Now that the war is done with, he’s back at our old cabin,” Andrian told me with his arms wrapped tightly around me from behind.
I realized that was my moment, and using a mess of gestures and pointing, I managed to convey that I wanted to visit my old home too. Andrian looked concerned about the idea, but respected my desires and agreed to my request. I was going home.