The gentle kisses to my cheeks and face were soon being planted on my lips instead. First it was soft chaste kisses, but when I didn’t pull back, the kisses became deeper. I opened my mouth to him and his tongue quickly invaded, tasting every inch of me that he could. My heart pounded violently, refusing to calm down, and I clung to him for dear life as he plundered the inside of my mouth. I heard a sharp inhale from him and suddenly I was moved onto his lap, straddling his legs with my own.
“How does this keep happening?” he asked as he finally pulled back to let me breathe, “I really didn’t plan on doing this until you were ready… but how do I know when to stop when you never push me away?”
I knew my behavior was inconsistent. I didn’t want to push him away, yet I knew what the end result would be if I didn’t. I wanted more. I wanted to touch him, to make him feel good, to show him that I was his. I also knew I wasn’t ready for that yet. There were too many demons in my heart for me to give myself over to those feelings.
“Falyn,” he crooned as he started licking and sucking at my neck, “You need to push me away now, don’t you?” His actions didn’t match his words as he bit down gently on my collarbone and began rubbing my thighs with both hands.
I found myself caught in an agonizing position. I wanted to stop him before it became too much for me, but I also didn’t want to stop him at all. His hands came to rest on my hips, and he leaned his head on my chest exhaling ragged sounding breaths. Eventually, he looked up at me, and the hunger in his eyes was almost frightening. He slowly licked a line up my neck to my chin while looking at me with that hungry gaze. I shuddered both from fear and anticipation.
“How am I supposed to stop myself when you look at me like that? Hmmm?” he asked before stealing my lips again. It was a sensual kiss that started with a long, slow meeting of our lips but quickly devolved into a frenzied mix of teeth and tongue. At some point, I tasted blood as he bit and chewed my lips, but I felt no pain, lost in the thrill of the moment. I didn’t try to pull away until I felt his hands move from my hips to my backside, trying to somehow pull me closer. That was the moment when my mind cried out, too much, and a wave of panic and fear overtook me. I frantically grabbed at his hands to stop them from moving anymore. He obediently released me and let me move his hands away.
“I’m sorry,” he said with a chagrined look, having broken away from the kiss when I grabbed his hands. “I keep pushing you when I know you’re not ready... Let’s just call it a night. We should get to sleep before it gets too late.”
I felt so helpless. I didn’t want to end it like that. He went to remove me from his lap, but I shook my head and held onto his shoulders so he wouldn’t lift me off. Yes, it was scary when he touched me. I knew he had no intention of harming me, but there was something inside me that reacted instinctively when he touched me in certain ways. But… maybe if he doesn’t put his hands on me like that then we could keep going a little. Maybe it’ll be okay if I touch him instead.
I took both his hands and firmly placed them at his sides on the bed before holding his face in my hands and capturing his lips with mine. I felt him raising his hands, perhaps to embrace me, perhaps to stop me, but I grabbed his wrists and pushed them back to his sides. Pulling away from our kiss, I gazed down at him silently. He looked back at me hesitantly, clearly not knowing what I was thinking.
“A-Are you telling me to keep my hands on the bed?” he asked with an uncertain voice.
I nodded and released his hands. I moved my mouth to his neck, trying to mimic how he’d kissed my neck earlier. I began sucking and licking, tentatively at first, before I grew confident and began nibbling on the tender flesh.
“Mmmm,” he let out a soft moan, struggling slightly as he fought his instincts and resisted the urge to move his hands. From my position on his lap, I could feel his excitement pressing into me, but still, he gently protested, “Hah, Falyn, you don’t have to push yourself. I can wait til you’re ready.”
I bit down firmly gently and felt him go still. His hands gripped the sheets tightly for a moment, but they stayed where I’d put them. Watching him struggle to obey me brought on a bizarre mix of emotions, but I realized I felt safer being in the one in control. I pulled away from his neck and met his heated gaze.
“I get it,” he breathed, “I’ll be a good boy and just sit here. You can do whatever you want.”
I smiled, having heard exactly what I wanted to hear. I stole his lips again, and wrapped my arms around his neck. He returned my kiss with enthusiasm, but he didn’t do anything to escalate it. He was leaving everything up to me. I took the initiative to slide my tongue into his mouth and it was immediately entangled with his. I gripped his hair tightly, exploring his mouth and his breathing got heavier. His lower half was straining against his pants, pressing into me, begging for my attention. Releasing his hair, I slid my hands down his chest, caressing him through his clothes.
“Haaaah,” he groaned as I pulled away from his mouth, his hands gripping the sheets tight. I ran my hands gently back up his torso, feeling his heavy breaths and pounding heart through my palms. I found myself groping and rubbing his chest and shoulders, enjoying the sensation of his warm body under my hands. I could feel him trembling slightly from the effort he was putting into restraining himself, but it only served to make me want to touch him more. I trusted him not to let go of the sheets and I was enjoying watching his reactions.
Raising my body a little I slid my hands downward, tracing a path down his stomach, and then lower, moving further down, to where he was straining against his pants. I traced his length with my fingertips, from the base to the tip, and he shuddered at the sensation.
“Aaahhh,” he sighed, closing his eyes and leaning his head back. Emboldened by his reaction, I started rubbing him up and down with my whole hand, feeling frustrated by the fabric in my way that prevented me from getting a solid grip.
“You know,” he gasped, opening his eyes to gaze at me as if he wanted to devour me, “it’s easier without the pants in the way.” As soon as he finished speaking, I began fumbling with the button of his pants, and he lifted his hips so I could pull them far down enough for his erection to spring free.
Seeing him naked and ready caused me to freeze for a moment. I began to question the wisdom in my choice as I stared down at his hardened member, which was twitching and eager from my previous caresses, and unquestionably dangerous in appearance.
“Yo-You can just stop here. I shouldn’t have said that,” he uttered in a pained voice. I could see both his desire and his regret written clearly on his face. But even now, his hands were still at his sides. Even in this state, he said we could stop. He’s being so careful with me. But I don’t want it to end here either…
I gingerly reached out and gripped his exposed flesh, drawing another moan from him as I did. Watching his face carefully, I rubbed his length up and down. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do, having never even touched myself before, but he seemed to be enjoying what I was doing. Pressing my forehead against his, I met his eyes. From up close, I could see his desires reflecting in those eyes, begging me to let him eat me up. I tightened my grip and began moving my hand faster.
“Mmm… hmmm…” he whimpered, his body incredibly tense as he fought to keep still for me. His knuckles were turning white as he desperately held on to the sheets and I could see a clear liquid had begun to leak out from his tip.
Realizing he was getting close, I started using both hands to further stimulate him. His skin down there was so soft and I could feel the veins that decorated his length pulsing underneath the skin. He began gently thrusting upwards, pushing himself closer to release.
“Mmm… so good… I– I’m–” I cut him off before he could say anymore, stealing his lips and preventing him from speaking. No longer holding back, he twisted and tangled my tongue as he moaned into my mouth, the veins in his arms popping up from the strength with which he was gripping the bed.
Stolen novel; please report.
I continued my movements, stroking him harder, faster, until he threw his head back and cried out as he exploded over my hands and our laps. Looking down at the cloudy liquid that had spurted out, I felt a sense of accomplishment that my clumsy efforts had successfully brought him to the height of pleasure.
Once he’d caught his breath and as his excitement began to dissipate, he lazily whispered into my ear, “You look like you were enjoying that too…”
I looked down and the heat rushed to my face as I realized he was right, that I was hard and ready, creating a tent in my pants. Once I was aware of that, I also became aware of the throbbing feeling of desire that had swelled up in my lower regions. But that would go away on its own, I was sure.
“You sure you don’t want me to take care of you too?” he asked me, “That looks like it’ll be uncomfortable if you leave it.”
I shook my head to tell him no. One step at a time. He didn’t press me anymore than that. Sure enough, my body soon calmed down and I started feeling sleepy.
Using a small wash basin that was left on the dresser, Andrian swiftly cleaned us up and bundled me in a blanket, before laying me down on the bed. After turning off the lights, he lay down next to me and spooned me in his arms. I felt peaceful and satisfied.
“Hey you,” he said softly from behind me, “You’re really alright?”
I nodded my head, knowing he would still be able to see my movements in the darkened room. I was surprised by how alright I was, actually. I’d always associated sexual contact with pain and fear. I’d honestly never felt the urge to touch myself or anyone else before. But this wasn’t just anyone that I had touched. It was the person who told me he loved me, who made me feel secure, who I knew wouldn’t cause me pain.
More than anything, I had wanted to express to him how much he meant to me and how much his words and actions had already healed me. Only one moon cycle previous, I had thought my life would be nothing but a constant cycle of abuse and fear that would only end with my death. I’d always told myself that maybe I could escape someday, but I’d never believed it was actually possible. And now, not only did I have hope for the future, I also had someone who was willing to love me and be good to me for the rest of my life.
“I’d been so afraid you’d hate me or that you’d reject me once you knew the truth,” he confessed to me. “You don’t know how grateful I am that you're willing to accept me. I’ve loved you for so long that I can’t imagine ever loving anyone else.”
Tears came unbidden to my eyes at his words. I was the one who should be thanking him, not the other way around. Maybe I was ignorant in the ways of the world, but I couldn’t understand why he thought I’d be mad at him or hate him. I understood that the bonding he spoke of was supposed to be mutual, but he was just a child that didn’t know any better, and I wasn’t a beastman anyways. Whatever pheromones he ‘marked’ me with wouldn’t affect me as a human living in human land. Perhaps if I was a beastman like him, then I might feel upset. But as it was, I was kind of happy to know that I was marked to the other beastmen as his.
As if reading my mind, he spoke on a similar train of thought, “I wish there was a way to make the bonding mutual, so everyone would also know I’m yours. But it still makes me happy to know that anyone who gets too close to you will think twice about it.”
I really do wish that there was a way for me to bond with him the way he bonded with me… I wonder if it's possible. He did say humans have those pheromone things, and we just can’t sense them. However, in all likelihood, something like that wouldn’t be feasible. Maybe someday, I’ll be able to ask someone about it. My desire to keep seeking treatment was strong in that moment, and I thought facing my fears might be a small price to pay.
“Hey, you wanna detour south on our way back?” he suddenly asked me, “Dad would probably love to see you again. He helped a lot in getting me here.” At his suggestion, I felt the corners of my mouth lift up and I nodded. Satisfied, Andrian continued talking idly, telling me more of his story. “It took me a while to finally tell Dad what happened, after you stopped coming. He tried to help me, but after what happened to your mom, it became impossible for him to do anything that involved the humans. Things were pretty scary back then, actually. We ended up having to leave the cabin for our own safety. It wasn’t that bad when there was only one victim, but as the years passed and the bodies piled up, it became more and more dangerous to get close to the borderland.”
I knew the basics of how the war started at this point, but I’d heard very little details about the years that built up to it. It made me sad to think that Andrian and his father had been forced to leave their home. I hated knowing how lonely Andrian had been when he was living there, but they’d done nothing to deserve being driven out like that.
“It started with the vigilantes, villagers who formed militias to protect their people. At first they only guarded the human side of the borderland, which was understandable if they suspected our side. But then they started guarding from inside the borderland, and eventually right at the edge of our territory. It took nearly a year for them to get that far, but that’s when things got worse. More women on your side were dying and the vigilantes' form of retaliation was crossing the border to look for fights. They had already murdered a couple of the other rangers by the time we left. Soon after, they started raiding the small western villages, taking our females to ‘teach us a lesson.’ After a couple more years like that, the vigilantes were replaced with soldiers, who claimed they were invading for the sake of ‘justice,’ and they had far more efficient and brutal methods of attack.”
Andrian paused for a moment. I could feel his breath on my neck as he squeezed me tight for a moment. It was almost too tight and I struggled to take a full breath. He buried his face in the back of my neck for a moment, and inhaled deeply. Satisfied, he loosened his embrace before he began speaking again.
“I was around sixteen when the war officially started. By then, we’d already figured out that the humans weren’t going to leave us alone and our defensive line was ready. Our soldiers had spent years on the battlefield, fighting against the monsters of the wildlands, and we outnumbered the human soldiers five to one. We had tried so hard to be understanding of their plight that they mistook our pacifism for weakness. You see, the Beastlands are incredibly vast compared to Vrayna. Some of our villages are the size of your capital city and the trade city would take three whole days to cross if you were to go in a straight line on horseback. If we had wanted, we could have crushed the invading forces through sheer numbers alone. But we didn’t. We didn’t want to be at war. And so we evacuated the western villages and outposts, and we just held the line, thinking that the humans would eventually give up.”
I hadn’t realized the Beastlands were so large. I’d only ever seen maps of Vrayna on its own. There were no maps of the Beastlands in Vrayna, so their numbers and the size of the land was unknown to me.
“In the second year of the war, when I’d just turned eighteen, I was sent to the eastern front to reinforce the guard on the wildlands. At the time, that’s where the support was needed, and they weren’t sending any of the cat tribes to the western front anyway. Because the cat tribes live near the borderland, and many of us had dealings with humans before the war, we were exempt from that battle. So, instead, I ended up spending the next three years in the east. Turns out I was pretty good at fighting and I got along well with my superiors, so well that when the general above me fell in battle, I was promoted into his position. After that, it was only a few more moon cycles before the peace talk began.”
I couldn’t believe that, while I was wasting away in my father’s home, Andrian was performing such great deeds. I felt a little inferior, but I also felt strangely proud of the little cub who had grown up so well.
“For the first time, I started telling people other than my dad about the human friend I’d lost and begged my way into the delegation that was heading to your capital. I’d earned my place in battle is how they justified it, but I know they let me come out of pity. Some people thought I was delusional and that I’d imagined you, but dad stepped in and helped convince them. He went to the eastern front with me, to watch over me and fight alongside me.”
My heart strings pulled as he talked about his father. His father had been more of a parent to me than my own had ever been. I was glad to know that he'd been there to support Andrian over the years. I looked forward to seeing him again.
“I heard from the humans in the capital that the Beastlands have been said to be occupying and tormenting the eastern villages, but the reality is that it was a bloodless occupation that provided them relief from being plundered by their own people. We had figured the best way to achieve peace was to show the humans we were stronger than they thought, so we pushed their lines back, past the borderland and into eastern Vrayna. Once the front line of the war had been pushed to your side of the border, we received almost immediate acceptance of our requests for peace. As for the humans in the areas we occupied, they were so starving and desperate that they didn’t care who we were as long as we had food. Some even hailed us as liberators, despite being the invading army.”
Andrian squeezed me tight again. “The rest you sort of know already,” he said, “The eastern villages were under our control and I was given time to search for you. I visited Rovette first, but no one there knew anything, and no one in any of the other villages had heard of you either. I really didn’t expect to find you in the Palace… and it breaks my heart to know how much you’ve suffered because I couldn’t find you sooner…”
I gripped onto the arms wrapped around me and squeezed back. There was no way for you to find me sooner. Please don’t blame yourself.
“I hope that someday,” he continued, “maybe I’ll get to hear your voice again… but it’s okay if I don’t. As long as you’re here with me, nothing else matters.”