The dreams had stopped but there was still a lot going on in my head that I had to work my way through. I’d thought that the feeling of happiness that I'd felt meant that I was better. Now I understood that it didn't work that way. The relief I felt at leaving Vrayna, the joy of having Andrian by my side, and the excitement of creating a new life for myself were all steps in the right direction. However, after talking to the shaman Andrian had taken me to, I'd come to understand that there was still a long road ahead of me.

For the time being, I would see the shaman two out of every seven days, and begin the real journey towards healing. The shaman said that the best way to deal with my past was to create excitement about the future. “Cope through hope” were the words he used, and he encouraged me to find things I liked to do. That in itself seemed like it would be a challenge because I had no idea what I liked. Part of the problem was that I had no idea who I was.

The shaman had also suggested that some of my regression was probably due to fear, since we were going back to Vrayna at the beginning of the next moon cycle. The closer we got to my return, the more I dreaded having to face my abusers. I was afraid of having to recount my worst moments in a public forum, but I was even more afraid that my father or his men would somehow find a way to corner me when I was alone. With that in mind, Andrian thought it would be a good idea to focus on my training and continue to build my strength. All three of us agreed that it would be better if I could fully defend myself before I went back.

As he'd mentioned before, Andrian officially invited me to come train with the students on the days I didn’t have to go to Adelia’s shop. The first time I accompanied Andrian to the school, I was a little nervous that I wouldn't be able to keep up with the students. All of them would be old enough to have a human form, anywhere from twelve to eighteen years in age, depending on how many years they’d been at the school. I was going to be joining a group of second year students who Andrian said would be at an equivalent skill level. I wasn't sure if my pride could handle being completely humiliated in battle by a group of thirteen year olds.

Facing them for the first time, the surprisingly small group looked somewhat intimidating at first glance. Three females and two males was all there was to the second year class, and it looked like the other classes were equally small. I suppose that was a good thing, considering this was a school for orphans. The five students looked like proper little soldiers, while I, the adult, felt like an impostor for trying to join them. However, the five youths surprised me by being very friendly and outgoing.

Once we got down to sparring, I discovered quickly that Andrian had been right in his choice of partners for me. We were, for the most part, equally matched. The only exception was one of the females, the smallest of the group no less, who was far beyond all of us in terms of skill. She'd gained a human form early on and had taken to the sword immediately. From what the others told me, she was undefeated in their class and the class above.

I found myself smiling as she smacked me repeatedly with her practice sword. Tanys was her name, a fierce little wolf cub, and she became my favored opponent very quickly. Tanys seemed pleased to find a partner who didn’t get mad when they continued losing and the other four looked relieved to no longer have to face her.

Over the next two days, Tanys and I sparred constantly. She'd lost her parents early in the Vraynian war, though she didn't seem to hold a grudge against me or the humans for it. Over lunch on the first day, she told me about her parents and said she was just thankful the war was over.

On the second day, I managed to disarm her. Tanys looked happier about that fact than I was, and she doubled her efforts for the rest of the day, pushing me to my limits. I went home battered and bruised, but filled with a sense of accomplishment and ease. We promised each other to continue sparring together whenever I could come by the school. I was glad I got to make such an unlikely friend.

After two days of going to the school with Andrian, I was feeling the best I’d felt since we first arrived in the village. For our day off together, Andrian told me that he had a surprise for me, but refused to tell me what it was. We got up early, dressed, and left the house just as the sun was beginning to appear on the horizon. We stopped at a small cafe for coffee and something to eat before heading out towards the forest. When we reached the archway on the road that marked the village boundary, along with the regular guards at their posts, Willow and Vargas were waiting for us.

When I looked to Andrian for an explanation, he smiled and said, “Surprise! We’re going monster hunting!”

“Really?!” I asked, feeling genuinely excited at the prospect. I’d been training with Andrian for over three moon cycles, but before this, whenever I'd asked to put my skills to the test, he'd just said I wasn't ready.

“If you can keep up with Tanys, I think you’re ready to give it a try. Vargas and Willow were both free today so I asked them to come along as backup. If we’re going out looking for a fight, safety in numbers is best,” Andrian explained as we approached the two waiting beastmen.

“Hey lovebirds!” Vargas called out to us, “Fancy meeting you here.”

I happily greeted him and Willow, and then we headed off into the forest. I was given a simple short sword, a small shield, and some leather armor to wear. The armor was a perfect fit and Willow told me Andrian had ordered it for me in secret the week prior. Willow had kept it for him at her home so it could be gifted to me at the right moment. It seemed Andrian had started planning this day for me after Auntie and Granny had told him about my daytime habits.

Leaving the road behind, we trampled through the bushes, getting further and further away from the village and the safety net it provided. I was under strict instruction that I should let the others do the fighting if we came across anything dangerous, as I was still a novice and they didn’t want me to get hurt. I had no problem with that, as I already knew that I wasn’t ready to fight the stronger monsters that inhabited the forest.

After walking for almost two movements, we hadn’t come across anything but birds and a boar. I was almost wondering if we might fail to encounter anything at all when my companions froze in their tracks. They’d seen something. I halted my movements and looked in the direction their eyes were focused.

Through the trees, I could see what they were looking at. A four legged creature stood a short distance away, watching us as carefully as we watched it. It had a large skull and an elongated snout, and I could see its razor sharp teeth glinting in the sunlight.

Softly, I asked, “What is that thing?”

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“It’s a Hyaenodon,” Andrian answered, “a pretty big one too. They’re considered pretty weak as far as monsters go. Barely more trouble than an angry wolf. Do you want to give it a try?”

I studied the monster for a moment before inquiring, “Do you think I can do it?”

“Yeah, I think you can. It’s only a little bit stronger than a regular predator animal. You’ll need to watch out for its claws, but it’s more likely to use a bite attack. The three of us will stay close, but we’ll only intervene if we think you’re in real danger,” Andrian said, watching me carefully as he spoke.

“Its vitals are all the places you’d expect them to be,” Willow added, giving me a solid pat on the back. “Andrian’s right about the bite attacks, but don’t forget that they have impressive leg strength and can leap at you from a surprising distance. It’s best to stay back and let it attack you first, got it?”

I nodded and began moving toward the creature. My heart pounded furiously and my mouth was dry. I wished I didn't know that beastment could pick up the scent of stronger emotions. It was a little embarrassing to know that all three of my companions could smell my fear. However, there was nothing that could be done about it and I tried to pretend I didn't know.

At some point, I realized I was moving forward alone. The Hyaenodon snarled at me as I stopped about twenty feet away from where it stood. I watched it carefully, taking a defensive stance and waiting for a sign that it was about to attack. Before I had a chance to think, it leapt towards me, covering the distance between us in mere seconds.

I barely recovered from the shock in time to parry its first attack. As I was warned, it attacked with its mouth and went straight for my throat. I blocked with my shield and pushed it back before swinging my sword at it and missing. It let out a noise somewhere between a howl and growl before leaping at me again. I blocked it again and the second swing of my sword made contact with the creature.

When I looked, the Hyaenodon was bleeding from its left shoulder. It roared in anger and swiped at me with its claws. I parried with my sword and sliced into its paw, eliciting another angry roar. It attacked me again with the claws of its uninjured arm. I raised my shield in time to stop it from shredding my side, but I was knocked off balance and fell to the ground.

Before I could get back up, it was upon me, and I just barely managed to roll out of the way in time. I was on my feet before its next attack, but I was still recovering when it leapt at me again. Entirely out of instinct, I defended with my sword instead of my shield and the tip of my sword found the monster’s neck. Unable to stop its own momentum, it impaled itself as it fell on me. Blood splattered across my face as my sword plunged through its neck to the hilt.

Trapped under the heavy, dead, and bleeding monster, I couldn’t help but laugh. I’d won. No one had to help me. I had killed a proper monster all by myself in a real fight. And now I was trapped underneath its immense weight, unable to free myself. It was so utterly ridiculous that I couldn’t keep the laughter in, despite my already concerning struggle to breathe.

I felt the weight on me being lifted off by my companions. I filled my lungs with air and continued to laugh uncontrollably on the ground. It had started as a light chuckle, but something inside me snapped and I couldn’t stop the endless stream of giggles that came out of me. I was laughing so hard that tears started streaming down my face. How long has it been since I laughed like this?

That thought stopped me dead in my tracks. I really didn't know how long it had been. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d laughed without restraint. How long had it been since I laughed at all?

I wasn’t sure if I’d ever actually laughed in front of Andrian. Maybe once or twice? Maybe never. I felt my stomach sink at that realization. Was I so lacking in joy that my mate had never heard me laugh?

Suddenly my tears stung my eyes and my laughter turned into sobs. My heart was devoid of normal human joy. All I had were traumatic memories and anxiety. Even my good memories were tainted by the stain of my father. Andrian was the one thing in my life that brought me joy, and all I could offer him was misery. The shame that I was doing exactly that at that moment only fueled my tears of self-loathing.

Andrian picked me up and sat with me on his lap, cradling me like a baby. Unable to stop myself, I clung to him and cried until the wave of emotions had passed. Andrian stroked my back softly as I sobbed. Willow and Vargas, wherever they were, remained silent.

“Better now?” Andrian asked me when I was finally calm. I nodded, my face still buried in his chest. His arms tightened around me, “Do you want to talk about what caused it?”

I looked up at him through bleary eyes. His face and voice were calm, but his eyes belied the strong emotions that gripped him. “I-I don’t know,” I answered shakily.

“You don’t know what caused it or you don’t know if you want to talk about it?” He tried to keep his voice light, but I could hear the trembling in his tone.

I wanted to pretend I didn’t know what caused it and move on, but the shaman had strongly recommended that I stop bottling up my feelings. Talking about my struggles would keep me from spiraling. So I answered honestly, “I don’t know if I want to talk about it… Ah! I’m so sorry. I-I didn’t mean to… It’s just... I laughed, and it felt so weird to laugh. Then I realized I don’t laugh. And then I felt guilty… and…” I trailed off with a helpless expression.

“You don’t need to be sorry or feel guilty about anything,” Andrian assured me, stroking my head gently as he spoke.

“I must be awful to be around. I’m sorry. I’ll try harder. Please don't give up on me.” I felt myself getting worked up again and struggled to keep my breathing steady.

“I, for one, am just glad you weren’t crying over a monster,” Vargas cut in, reminding me that there were two other people still present. My face flushed as I looked up from Andrian’s chest to see him and Willow standing a few feet away, on either side of the monster’s corpse.

“I’m so sorry!” I apologized to both of them. I had no idea what else I could possibly say to them. They’d gone out of their way to help Andrian do something nice for me, and I was being so ungrateful.

“Why are you sorry?” Willow asked, looking bewildered. “I don’t know the details, but I know you had a pretty shitty time back in Humanland. Everyone goes through stuff. We get it.”

“I feel like I let you down,” I admitted, “All three of you tried to do something nice for me… I shouldn’t be crying like this. I’m truly sorry.”

“You’re thinking about it the wrong way,” Vargas interrupted, “You said you don’t laugh, but we helped you find something to laugh about. So what if you got a little upset after? Seriously, I was really worried you were crying cause you were scared or felt bad about killing it or something.”

“No, actually, I started laughing at how stupid it was that I killed it only to have it land on top of me. If I’d been alone, that monster might have killed me with bad luck by pinning me down with its corpse until I starved or suffocated. I don't know why, but once I realized that, I couldn't stop laughing.” My smile returned when I thought about it again.

“Hey, there’s that smile I like so much,” Andrian said with a laugh, “but it would look a lot better without all the monster blood. Tears can only wash away so much.”

That certainly explained the sticky, tight feeling I felt across my forehead. Fortunately, there was a small stream nearby where I could wash my face. The cold water felt nice on my swollen eyes. What Vargas had said had really helped improve my mood. It hadn’t occurred to me to celebrate the laughter instead of mourning its previous absence. Thinking more rationally now, I realized I hadn’t let loose like that before, but I had certainly shared smaller laughs with Andrian. I needed to stop letting my darker thoughts blur the lines between anxiety and reality.