Darkness had fallen as I walked through endless woods. I couldn’t remember what the day was like, but I recalled in vivid detail the blood red of the sunset that cast an ominous shadow over the landscape. I had been walking for hours. My feet ached, sweat dripped down my spine, and even in the darkness, it was blisteringly hot.
I could hear something whispering from the shadows of the trees. Many things. I wasn’t sure if it was monsters or humans making those noises. Perhaps both. It didn’t really matter. Humans, monsters, they were all the same. Just like me. I was a monster too, wasn’t I? A monster staggering through the trees in search of… something. What was I looking for? I couldn’t quite recall.
The night sky wasn’t quite black, but instead the deepest shade of crimson, so dark it could easily be mistaken for black. Like dried blood, almost. No stars and no moon. Just a dense, reddened haze of fog that somehow illuminated the path ahead. The whispers continued, coming from all sides, even from the trees above, but it sounded like a nest of hissing snakes, rather than voices. It was a threatening sound, a sound that told me that my presence wasn't welcome here. I began to walk faster.
On and on through the endless bloody forest I trudged until I came to a clearing with a house at its center. Shingles hung loosely from the side of the house and the roof was half caved in by a tree that seemed to have fallen out of nowhere. The dilapidated exterior was as uninviting as the forest itself, but maybe it might look better on the inside. Could this house be the safe haven I’d been looking for? I couldn’t see through the cloudy, dirty windows but I could tell there was a candle burning on the table within. I wondered if that meant someone was home. Dare I hope they would offer me shelter for the night?
I approached the front door and knocked lightly on the rotten wood. As soon as my hand touched the door for the first time, the hissing whispers still coming from the trees went silent. There was no sound at all except for my hand gently rapping on the wood. I patiently waited for a moment, but the interior of the house remained as silent as the exterior.
I knocked again, louder this time, in case whoever was burning the candle hadn't heard me. However, there was still no response from within. Maybe the house was empty after all. Had I simply imagined the candlelight in the window? Knowing there was only one way to be sure, I opened the door and walked into the one-room house.
Wait, wasn’t this–? It was. I was in my childhood home. It looked the same as it had in my youth, back when I still lived there with my mother. It was warm, well lit, and a corpse waited for me, seated in a chair at the kitchen table. My mother’s body looked exactly how I remembered it, just before it was tossed into the woods for the animals. Some of its limbs were bent at awkward angles and its face swollen and bruised. Its neck was sliced wide open and blood pooled on the floor beneath it. Bile crept up my throat as I tried not to look at the thing that I couldn’t look away from.
Its head lifted and turned in my direction. The closed eyelids were lifted to reveal foggy, dead eyes. The corpse glared at me with those lifeless eyes and used my mother's voice to start screaming, “It hurts! Oh Gods, please no!”
I shrank back in horror as I heard my mother’s dying screams being projected from the mouth of her expressionless corpse. That was perhaps the most unnerving part. Its lips didn’t even move to form the words. Its mouth just fell open and my mother’s final moments started echoing out of its slackened jaw.
“It should have been you!” the corpse shouted, its mouth finally moving in time. The voice that came out of it sounded like my mother's voice, but she had never used such a hateful tone with me. Its face contorted with hatred as it raged, “It's all your fault! If I’d never given birth to you, I wouldn’t have had to suffer like this. You did this to me!”
“No, no, please no!” I cried, unable to bear hearing her utter the truth. She was right. If I had never existed, she would be alive and happy now. Not knowing what else to do, I pleaded with her, “I didn’t mean for it to happen! I’m so sorry! Please believe me!”
“You’re sorry, are you? Then why do you think you're allowed to be happy?! You need to suffer like I did,” my mother continued, ignoring my pleas. “You shouldn’t be alive. It should have been you they murdered that night. You should have been the one begging for mercy that you'd never receive!”
I wept at her words, unable to defend myself. The corpse began to move, snapping its broken limbs back together until it was able to rise from the chair. It took a shambling step toward me.
"You deserve pain! You deserve to be beaten and ravaged like I was!" As it shrieked, the voice became more and more distorted, like some sort of evil spirit. The room around me darkened, as if all the candles were going out. “How dare you be happy when I had to die for you?! It won't last though. Soon he'll realize what you are and give you back to your father. Albrecht is waiting for you. He's got something special he's been saving just for you.”
The corpse continued shambling toward me as it spoke and I hastily backed away. My back hit the wall and the door I’d entered through was no longer behind me. I was trapped. Was this how I would die? The corpse leapt toward me, its mouth opening up into the gaping maw of a Devourer…
I couldn’t breathe properly. I didn’t know where I was. All I could do was gasp for air as I writhed around in panic and pain. It was dark, too dark to see anything. I felt like I was tied down, my entire body wrapped tightly in something I couldn’t unbind. I couldn't free my arms and the more I struggled, the tighter the thing around me became. I could feel the presence of someone or something in the room with me. I could hear a voice calling to me, but I couldn't concentrate on anything except my desperate need for more air than I was getting.
I felt something touch me and screamed through my ragged breaths. The corpse. I remembered it. My mother. Was that what was touching me?
No, whatever was touching me wasn’t trying to hurt me like I deserved. It wasn't the touch of a vengeful corpse. It felt comforting. I felt whatever it was that trapped me being pulled away, releasing my limbs. I gasped and choked as the pressure on my chest lessened. The pain in my lungs began to subside as I was finally able to draw some air into my lungs.
Once I was free, I instinctively sat up and someone's hand started rubbing my back with slow, deliberate motions. It felt nice. My heart began to settle and I felt myself calming down, no longer struggling for air. The blackness that coated my vision began to fade away and I heard Andrian’s voice speaking to me in a soothing tone.
“Shh, it’s okay,” he told me as he continued to rub my back, “whatever you were dreaming about can’t hurt you. It’s just you and me here, and we’re in bed at home. Just keep breathing and it’ll all be okay soon.”
The more I listened to his voice, the more the room around me came into focus. It was just a dream. I was at home. I was safe. My gasps for air turned into careful, steady breaths, but tears still streamed down my cheeks and I couldn’t stop shaking.
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“Good, inhale deeply and let it out slowly. Focus on my voice and remember where you are.” He grabbed my hand and squeezed it as he continued coaxing me, “Take your time. Just keep breathing and listening to my voice. It’s okay now. You don’t have to be scared anymore. I’ve got you.”
When he pulled me forward, I fell into his embrace and started sobbing. The horror I’d felt in my dream hadn’t dissipated at all, and the panic I’d felt upon waking reminded me of before, but that wasn’t what I was crying about. All the fear, pain, and isolation I’d felt over the past couple weeks began pouring out of me. The loneliness that haunted me, the fear that I didn’t deserve to be loved, and the memories of being helpless and terrorized exploded from within, one wailing sob at a time. My tears soaked the chest I pressed my face into, snot dripping from my nose and smearing across my face as I wept.
Andrian just held me tightly, without saying a word, allowing me to unabashedly cry and scream until I had no energy left. As my sobs quieted, I felt instantly exhausted. My body went limp in Andrian’s arms and my breathing slowed. I fell back asleep as quickly as I had woken up, utterly exhausted from the outpouring of emotion.
The next morning, I awoke feeling like I hadn’t slept at all. My body ached and my eyes were red and swollen to the point I could barely open them. I felt incredibly sluggish and weak, almost as if I were sick. The worst part was the overwhelming sense of shame that came from knowing that I had broken down in front of Andrian. I wondered if he would believe me if I told him that it was only because of the dream. Technically, that wouldn’t be a lie, since it was the dream that triggered it. Either way, I was disappointed in myself for showing him my ugly, pathetic side.
I was alone in our shared bed. The sunlight coming in from the window told me that I'd slept until it was almost afternoon. Andrian had probably left for the school hours ago. I felt terrible that I’d disturbed his sleep. There was no excuse for my behavior. I’d gotten angry at him before bed, woken him up in the middle of the night, and cried all over him before falling asleep without a word. He must have hated it.
The door to our room opened and Andrian walked in carrying a tray of food. Seeing I was awake, he stopped in the doorway and cautiously said, “Hey, you’re awake. How are you feeling?”
“Oh, um, I’m alright I guess,” I answered, unable to meet his eyes, “I’m really sorry about last night. I wasn’t very nice to you before bed and then I–”
“Falyn, why are you apologizing? You haven’t done anything wrong.” When I finally found the courage to meet his gaze, he looked tired and full of concern. My heart ached that I had caused him so much trouble.
“Still, I’m sorry. I’ll do better, so you don’t have to worry anymore,” I promised him sincerely. “It was just a bad dream anyway. But… is it okay that you're not at the school right now?”
“It’s fine,” he answered swiftly, “You’re far more important and I wanted to be here with you today. I haven’t seen you like that since you got your voice back. And I know you said you’re alright, but I really don’t think you are.”
“I-I-I’m really sorry! It’s nothing, really. I just need to… I need to...” I trailed off realizing I had no idea what I needed to do. Everything was a mess. I’d wanted to keep it all hidden, but I had completely and utterly failed.
“You need to trust me more is what you need to do,” Andrian told me firmly. He placed the tray in his hands on the bedside table and sat down next to me. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but at least let me know when you’re having a hard time." He hesitated for a moment before sighing heavily, "I didn't want to force the issue, but I don't think there's any other way to get you to talk. I talked to Auntie and Granny upstairs and they told me that you don’t visit them at all when I’m out. They also said they’ve never seen you go into the yard or leave the house, and they never hear any noises coming from inside. You tell me the same thing every time I ask you about your day, and last night, you got really defensive when I pressed you about it. Regardless of the dream, I can still tell there’s something wrong. Won’t you talk to me about it?”
“But there really isn’t anything wrong!” I insisted. “I just... don’t feel like doing anything when I’m not with you. And there’s stuff that I haven’t dealt with yet that's been nagging at me a little more often since things settled down. But I’m fine, really.”
Andrian's disbelief was written all over his face, but he didn’t press the issue any further. Instead he started spoon feeding me some millet porridge and suggested we go for a walk around and find a new tavern to have dinner together. Since he had already taken the day off because of me, I agreed. After he'd fed me, despite my protests that I could feed myself, I washed up quickly and we left the house. With Andrian by my side, I had a really good day. It wasn't long before I'd completely forgotten my anxiety, my dream, and the voice that spoke to me when I was alone.
I woke up unable to breathe again that night. I had another dream. This time, I was wandering through some unknown place, surrounded by a dense mist. I found a mirror hanging in the middle of that foggy void. When I looked into the mirror, my reflection turned into Albrecht. He told me he would claim me when I returned to Vrayna and that no one would come to save me. I stood frozen in horror as he detailed all the awful and disgusting things he wanted to do to me. I couldn't stop listening, no matter how desperately I wanted to cover my ears and run away. I only emerged from the dream when his hands reached out of the mirror to strangle me. Even after I'd woken up, I could still feel his hands choking the life out of me. Andrian held me and calmed me before I drifted off back to sleep.
The dreams continued. Each night, a different face came to haunt me. Each dream was a fresh torment that forced me to face my worst moments and greatest fears. After each dream, I’d wake up in a panic and Andrian would comfort me back to sleep. He said he was going to temporarily cut back his hours at the school so he could be home with me more often. The guilt I felt for interfering with his work was overwhelming, but I didn’t want to be alone and didn’t try to stop him, which only added to the guilt. This went on for almost a week.
In the light of day, I was able to pretend that everything was normal. I went to work with Adelia in the mornings and could focus on my work without issue. I was beginning to master some of her potion recipes and she was able to leave me to work independently as she ran the shop. Her words of encouragement filled me with a rare sense of self worth. After I left the apothecary in the afternoon, the extra time I was able to spend with Andrian saved me from having to be alone in the house. We explored the village, visited friends, and found new places to eat good food together. It was almost perfect. But the dreams were always there to remind me that I was only pretending to be okay.
It was on the sixth night that I reached my breaking point. I dreamt of the night my mother died. I was back in my childhood home, while my father's men laughed cruelly and forced me to watch their fun. But this time, it was Andrian that they had captured, not my mom. Albrecht held me down like he had that night, forced his hand down my pants, and whispered disgusting things in my ear. He said I'd already proven I was no better than they were, and that I could have my turn with Andrian next.
When I awoke from that particular dream, in my struggle to free myself from the blanket, I fell off the bed and proceeded to vomit the contents of my stomach all over the floor. By the time I was done, I was trembling violently and too weak to even stand on my own. Andrian carried me to our bathing room and cleaned me up, washing me and helping me rinse my mouth. After that, he dressed me again and brought me out to the living room so he could clean the bedroom floor. All I could manage to do was to sit there shaking helplessly while Andrian took care of me like a baby. It was in that moment that I realized I couldn't keep doing this. Trying to take care of it on my own was only going to make Andrian suffer more.
“Andri,” I said softly, my voice shaking and uncertain, “I think there’s something really wrong with me.” That was all I could say before the tears started flowing from my eyes and I completely broke down.
Eventually, between the sobs and hiccups, I managed to tell him everything that had been happening with me. The time I spent alone, how I’d felt, and exactly what I’d been dreaming about. While I was talking, Andrian didn't say a word. He just stayed by my side and listened to what I had to say. I don't know how long I rambled on for, but I eventually grew too tired to continue and fell asleep in his arms.
The next morning, Andrian asked me to consider seeking additional treatment from one of the local shamans. With the knowledge that avoiding the situation would only hurt us both, I agreed. Andrian helped me get ready and took me to a shaman that was known for their skills in trancing. We agreed I would see them once every couple of days until I'd dealt with the demons that were haunting me. After that, I didn’t have any more dreams.