Upon first moving into our new home, it was nothing more than an empty space with a roof that we were allowed to occupy. Bare windows, no furniture, and nothing to make it feel like it was ours. During the first couple weeks that we lived there, as we got used to our new positions in the village, we slowly turned the space into our home. Thanks to our purchases in the trading city, we were able to hang curtains over the windows immediately, and we started spending our afternoons and free days shopping for what we needed, one item at a time.

Because of our shared enthusiasm for food, getting the kitchen stocked for cooking was our first priority. After a month of sleeping on the ground in a tent, our simple pile of blankets on the floor felt like more than enough, but we wanted to be able to cook food right away. Plates, cups, and bowls were the first things we bought for our kitchen, along with a cooking pot and a grill for the fire. After that, we bought ladles, spoons, and spatulas, and slowly built from there until we had a kitchen worthy of a tavern. Andrian started teaching me how to cook, which went a lot better than I’d expected. I didn’t realize it until I was doing it again, but I’d already learned quite a bit from Luxania and Estra during our travels. It took less than a week before I was able to prepare meals by myself on the nights that Andrian arrived home after me.

After the kitchen came the living area, and then finally our bedroom. It was a lot of work, but the end result made me feel like I had a real home for the first time in ten years. It was a bittersweet feeling. I was happy and grateful for the life I had with Andrian, but I couldn’t help but think about the past. Sometimes, I thought of my father's home, beautiful and elegant, filled with everything one could ever need, but completely bereft of things like compassion and love. Other times, I thought of my mother and how much I missed her. If she were still alive, I’d like to have thought that she would be happy to see the life the two of us were slowly building.

Andrian’s new position in the village came as a surprise to both of us. As a general in the beast army, I’d assumed he'd be given a similar role in the village, leading the village guard or training the new recruits. However, it seemed that the marshal generals had other ideas about how he could be useful. In the section of the village that was dedicated to the army’s needs, among the offices, barracks, and training grounds, there was also a school for parentless cubs to be raised into soldiers. It was akin to an orphanage, but their situation was much better than the orphans of Vrayna. They lived in a group home that was amply staffed and had plenty of space, and they never had to go without food or warmth. When they gained a human form, they were given the choice of an apprenticeship or attending the army school to become soldiers that fought against the monsters of the wildlands. Andrian was put in charge of that school. Thankfully, he seemed to have a talent with the kids and took to his new role immediately.

As for me, once we'd had a few days to settle in, I sought out Adelia at her apothecary shop. She welcomed me with open arms and immediately put me to work. When I arrived at her shop in the morning, she would patiently demonstrate how to make a certain potion that she was low on in the shop. Then she would instruct me as I tried it and observe my work until she was satisfied with the results. Once my work was approved, she’d have me make the same potion over and over again until it was time to close, simultaneously honing my skills and filling her shelves.

I worked in a back room, away from the front of the shop and her visiting clientele. Adelia said it was better if no one saw me working for her until after they’d been using my potions for a while. It was well known in the Beastlands that humans had no magic ability, so she thought it would be best if I proved myself anonymously first. She wanted to let my potions speak for themselves so there was no room for complaints or objections. I understood her concern, even if she didn’t say it out loud; she didn’t want to lose her client base by revealing her human apprentice too soon. For my part, I didn’t mind it at all. I didn't want her to lose business because of me either.

Where the Beastlands certainly weren’t as forthright about it as humans, they undoubtedly had a natural bias against humans in general. This was very obvious to me, who had experienced the same treatment from the servants in my father’s home. No one meant me any actual harm, at least I didn't think they did, but they made no effort to conceal the fact that I was, if not entirely unwelcome, unworthy of their care or attention. Most treated me with polite disinterest, but some had expressed open hostility and told me to go back where I belonged. Andrian got into more than one argument over such comments. I wanted to just ignore it, but he couldn’t let it go.

Thankfully, not all of the beastmen I encountered felt that way. The people who lived above us took no issue with my humanity and were wonderful to us from the beginning. They were an elderly couple who looked like they could be as old as the borderland, but were filled with a youthful energy that belied their ages. Both were females, a bear and a fox, and were bonded and joined mates, just like Andrian and I.

“Oh sweetie, look, a human!” Those were the words I heard on our second morning in our home. Dorie and Malena came tottering over to me in the yard and created a fuss, commenting on how cute humans were and asking me questions much faster than I could answer them. Their bodies moved slowly, but their minds moved too fast. When Andrian came looking for me almost half a movement later, I was still cornered by the two old ladies, who were just delighted to know that a young couple had moved in below them.

That evening they brought us vegetables from their garden and invited us up to their home for dinner. They were both fantastic cooks and had made way too much. They told us we could take the leftovers home with us, since we hadn't set up our kitchen yet. While we ate, we told them about how we'd met and how we ended up living below them, and by the end of the meal, they were insisting we call them Auntie Dorie and Granny Malena. Dorie claimed she was ‘too young at heart’ to be called a granny, but Malena wore the title of ‘Granny’ with the pride of an elder. Their unwavering affection for each other after such a long period of time warmed my heart.

Thus began a pleasant and cooperative relationship with our upstairs neighbors. They would come by every few days with armfuls of fresh vegetables and request our help with the more physically demanding of their household chores. In exchange for the free food, we were happy to oblige, weeding their garden and chopping their wood whenever requested.

Our first month in the village felt like it flew by. We learned our new jobs, spent time with the ladies upstairs, and worked hard to make our new house into a home. On our day off together, we would go shopping in the village and I slowly learned how to navigate the busy, confusing streets. Andrian’s friends weren’t shy about stopping by either, dragging us out to a local tavern or into the woods for a night of drinking and fun. It didn’t take long for them to become more than just ‘Andrian’s friends’ to me. They were our friends, my friends.

By the second month, we had settled into our home and settled into our new life. With the house fully set up, I started having more time on my hands. Meanwhile, Andrian began to spend more time at the school, taking care of all of his predecessor's business. The position had been vacant for only a short time, but there were a lot of loose ends that Andrian had to tie up. At first, I tried to fill my time alone with activity, practicing the moves that Andrian still patiently taught me each morning, or trying to start a garden in the front yard, but it felt hollow. Alone, everything I did felt like I was just going through the motions.

Once I'd given up on being active around the house, I began to spend my time just sitting in silence, waiting for Andrian to return. I'd force myself to start moving when I saw the afternoon shadows crossing the living room, and when I heard him open the front door, I'd come back to life, forgetting that I’d done nothing but stare at the wall for an entire afternoon.

However, on the days I went to work with Adelia, it was different. With nothing but Andrian's presence to define my existence at home, I dove into the work that gave me a sense of purpose. During the time I was toiling away in her back room, I felt motivated and accomplished. I could feel like I was more than just Andrian's mate; I was Adelia's apprentice as well.

This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it

But I only went to the apothecary four days out of seven, and some days I was done by lunchtime. But Andrian was at the school six days out of seven and rarely returned before dinner. It was a lot of time to spend alone. Since being active at home hadn't worked out, I tried going out into the village by myself, but I felt anxious without Andrian’s presence by my side. The forest wasn't safe to explore alone, not with my current abilities. I wasn't ready to fight monsters on my own and the thought of doing so was terrifying.

So I tried to visit the ladies upstairs, but I found it hard to carry on a conversation without Andrian to fill in the blanks. I struggled awkwardly for a while before excusing myself. I couldn't help but feel like I'd wasted their time. Andrian's friends came by often in the evenings, when Andrian was home, but they all had jobs to do during the day. Even if they didn't, the result would have been the same. Uncomfortable silences and the knowledge that I had no personality of my own. It was better not to try.

I couldn't leave the house without him. I couldn't do anything without him. I didn’t even feel like I could be around people without him. But then, he would through the front door and everything would be back to the way it was before he left. When I was with Andrian, I could go anywhere, do anything. It had started to feel like I had two different personalities: the Falyn I was when Andrian was next to me, and the Falyn I was when I was alone. Realizing this only made me feel more isolated.

I did my best to hide how I felt. For a while, it seemed like it was working. Andrian had no way of knowing how I spent my solitary time, and I always managed to put myself back together before he got home. In the mornings, he would wake me up early and we'd continue my training in our living room. That was often the best part of my day, even when he was being General Andrian and pushing me past my limits, because it was the part of the day where I knew I was the only thing he was thinking about. Now that a couple of moon cycles had passed under his grueling regime, I was practicing with a real sword and ready to test my skills in a sparring match. Andrian had casually suggested that I come by the school to spar with the older students, and I'd enthusiastically agreed. I wanted to see him at work. And it would be one less lonely day at home.

After training, we would wash up and have breakfast together before Andrian had to go to the school. If I was working at Adelia’s shop that day, he would walk me over before heading off for the day. Otherwise, on the days when Adelia didn’t need me, once Andrian left, it was just me and the four walls that surrounded me. Unable to leave, I would sit in the living room in silence, trying to not to think too much.

At first it was just that. I would sit in silence for a few movements, trying to keep the darker thoughts at bay, and got myself going again when it was time for Andrian to come home. I was fully aware of the passage of time and simply chose to do nothing about it. But then I started thinking about the past and what might come in the future, and the anxiety began to eat away at me, one dark thought at a time. That was when I started losing time. Memories of the past that I had not yet come to terms with haunted me. I saw Albrecht’s face when I closed my eyes and trembled, recalling the fear and pain I’d experienced at his hands. I remembered all the hurtful things my father had said to me,and wondered anew if he'd been right about me all along. Looking at my pathetic self, his words rang truer than they ever had before. At some point, I’d remember that I was here, not there, and come back to the present.

It wasn’t until the beginning of the third month that Andrian began to realize that something was wrong. I'd done a very good job of keeping it to myself, making sure that Andrian only ever saw me smiling, but eventually that smile began to fade.

You really are pathetic. You know that, right?

It was when I began hearing a voice in my head that my happy mask began to crumble away.

Falyn, you can’t ignore me forever. I won’t go away just because you pretend I’m not here.

It sounded like my own voice, but I had no control over what it said.

“Wh-who are you?” I finally asked, after hearing it for multiple days.

Stupid Falyn. Don't you already know?

I knew. How could I not? I'd remembered everything and regained my voice, but I'd only pushed aside the resulting pain aside and left it to fester in the back of my mind. The darkness that had been waiting within had found its opening and it wanted to be heard. I'd thought that moving forward and finding happiness would be enough to silence it, but I also remembered Estra's warning that my recovery could take years. At the time, I thought he meant unlocking my voice, but maybe it went beyond that. Or maybe I was just too weak. I didn't want this. Hadn't I been through enough? Resentment and frustration built up inside me, and I swore I heard the voice laughing.

I did my best to shut it out, whispering, “I can’t hear you,” over and over as my own thoughts turned against me.

Would you listen if I called you Julien instead? Julien de Ramport, the Duke’s unloved bastard. A mute, a disappointment, someone who deserves to suffer. You can’t hide behind your precious Andri forever. He can’t protect you from what you are.

“No!” I shouted into the empty room. For the moment, it seemed the voice was silenced. The angle of the sun told me that it was already getting late in the day. I hurried to start making dinner and let the voice, which I was now certain I imagined, fade from my conscious thoughts.

Andrian and I had a nice dinner together that night. I asked Andrian many questions about his work and kept the conversation centered around him. I had nothing to tell him and I loved listening to him talk.

Eventually, I couldn’t think of anything else to ask him and he managed to inquire, “How was your day at home? What did you do today?”

“Oh, nothing much,” I answered as vaguely as possible, “it was just a normal day at home.”

“Was it?” he asked with a furrowed brow. He looked upset. Had I said something to upset him?

“Yes, I just enjoyed having nothing to do for a bit,” I replied, hoping he’d let it go at that.

His frown deepened and he said, “It’s just that you said the exact same thing yesterday. Nothing much. A normal day at home. You've said the same things every day for a week, actually. You know, I want to hear about your day too. Isn’t there anything you want to share?”

“I just… relaxed and did some stuff, okay?” I was starting to feel defensive. I didn’t want him to know there was something wrong with me. It would just make him worry about me and he didn't need that burden.

“Is there something you're not telling me?” Andrian inquired, looking a little hurt. “Honestly, I’m worried about you. You don’t go anywhere and you keep telling me that you did nothing while you were home. You seem fine when we're together, but I'm afraid you're pretending for my sake. Do you not feel comfortable talking about it?”

“No!” I found myself raising my voice, “There’s nothing wrong! I just don’t feel like doing anything. So I sat in the living room, did nothing, and waited for you to come home. Is that what you want to hear?!”

I didn’t know why I was shouting. I wasn’t angry with him. In fact, his concern made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. But I was sad and confused, angry and afraid, and I couldn’t find any other way to express it. Before Andrian could process my reaction, I stormed out of the room and found myself in our front yard, crouched on the ground with my head between my legs. What was wrong with me?

See, you’re even hurting the one person who actually cares about a waste like you. It’s only a matter of time before he’s sick of dealing with your shit. It’s a good thing you’ve got him trapped by that bond, though. Even if he wanted to, he’ll never be able to leave you. You can destroy him along with yourself.

“Falyn,” I heard Andrian cautiously calling out to me from the front door, “I’m sorry if I upset you. We don’t have to talk about it. I believe you if you say there's nothing wrong.”

I stood up. “No, it’s my fault. I really don’t know what came over me just now,” I said as I walked back to the house. “I… I shouldn’t have acted like that. I’m sorry.”

I was ashamed of myself for the way I'd behaved. It wasn’t Andrian’s fault that I was struggling. He was doing his best for me. I was the one who wasn’t good enough, the one who couldn’t keep myself from falling apart. I apologized to him again, hugging him tightly and telling him I loved him. That night, I went to bed promising myself that I would try harder and do better tomorrow.