The following evening, Rastari got his match with me. Naturally, I lost. In his tiger form, Rastari was enormous, and I was absolutely no match for him. However, unlike the previous night, I had fun wrestling with the giant cat.

My loss to Rastari didn’t dampen the enthusiasm of the others who wanted to try wrestling with me, and I ended up taking on two more opponents before I was done. One was a snake beastman who wrapped himself around me like a boa constrictor until I conceded, and the other was another tiger, smaller than Rastari, who admitted defeat early on. There were other challengers too, but after a day on the road and three matches in a row, I was too tired to continue.

But it seemed that my fight with the lieutenant named Jarren had inspired the fighting spirit of the soldiers I traveled with, and soon the entire camp was taking turns challenging each other. The beastman who started it, Lieutenant Jarren, kept out of sight. I heard through a rumor that he was staying in his tent because his pride was too wounded to show his face. I couldn’t be certain if it was true, but I hoped it was.

The night ended with Andrian claiming that we had a different kind of wrestling to do, and carrying me away to our tent. But once we were there, we simply got changed and climbed into our makeshift bed. In the morning, we would exit the forest, and enter the slums of Luz Dorada by mid afternoon. A Vraynian delegation was supposed to meet on the outskirts of the city and escort us to the Golden Palace, but since our arrival time wasn’t set in stone, it was possible we would have to wait in the slums for as long as a few days. Most of the army would have to wait there for the duration of our stay.

As they had last time, the beastmen had brought additional food to be distributed to the local population. To my surprise, it was the wolves who disdained humans the most that would be in charge of the effort. In fact, both the wolf generals who had fought on the Vraynian front lines had insisted it must be done. General Harlow, for all of his animosity toward the human nobility, couldn’t stand to see a human child suffer any more than he could a beast cub.

Laying in bed in our tent that night, I snuggled up a little bit closer to Andrian than normal. For all my bravado, I felt restless and anxious about what the next day would bring. My life in the Beastlands wasn’t perfect, but it was a better life than I’d dared hope for, and I didn’t want to lose it. I had friends, a mate who loved me, and I was proud of my skills as an apprentice shaman. In the Beastlands, I could just be Falyn and live my life in peace.

Tomorrow, I would have to become Julien de Ramport once again. Even though we were the same person, I still thought of Julien as someone else, an alter ego I’d created to survive. I didn’t want to be Julien again. He was an empty shell, void of the memories and emotions that made me Falyn. Even if it was just an act, it felt wrong and unsettling.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Andrian asked without any preamble, as if he sensed my discomfort.

“I don’t know,” I replied before letting out a melancholy sigh. “I’m just overthinking."

"Sounds like something you'd do," Andrian teased, drawing a small smile out of me.

"I guess I do feel like talking," I admitted, suddenly wanting to unload, "You know, all this time I've been preparing to face my father, but now I'm feeling apprehensive. Not because of my father, but because of me. I’m afraid of regressing. If I don’t talk and start acting like Julien... will I become him again?”

“Would it make you feel better if I told you that I love that part of you too?” Andrian inquired in a teasing voice.

“Would it make you feel better if I told you that I love every part of you, including the part you call Julien?” Andrian inquired, pressing his forehead against mine and gazing lovingly into my eyes.

Despite my inner struggle, I couldn't help but smile at his question as I answered, “Yes, it would. Everything about you makes me feel better.” I fell silent, then elaborated, “With you by my side, I’m not afraid of them anymore. I know I can face my father, the Second Prince, and even Albrecht, as long as you’re next to me when I do it. But what I'm most afraid of is myself. I worked so hard to leave the person I was behind, and now I have to pretend to be him. What if I get lost in the act?”

“You’re thinking about it all wrong again,” Andrian informed me, “I don’t know everything about what you’ve experienced or what goes on inside that head of yours, but I know you. Whether you call yourself Falyn or Julien, you’re still you. All of your experiences, good and bad, are a part of the man I love, and the progress you’ve made can’t be erased. They might call you a different name, or you might be reminded of the past you’re trying to get away from, but that won’t change who you’ve become.”

“Do you really think so?” I asked him in a trembling voice. I hadn't realized how much I needed his reassurance. “When I partitioned my mind, I locked away almost everything that made me who I was. You’re right that it doesn’t matter if they call me Julien or Falyn, but I’m stuck in a loop of worrying that I might forget again. No matter how many times I convince myself I’m okay, those feelings keep coming back. I don’t want to lose myself again.”

“You can’t lose yourself though. Remember, we’ve been joined by the spirits. Even our souls are connected. So if you can’t hold on, I can hold on for you. If you start to forget, I can help you remember.” He held me close as he reminded me that we were two parts of the same whole. “If you need to be reminded of that every day for the rest of our lives, then I’ll be here to remind you. You're not alone anymore.”

My response was lost in the rush of tears that spilled from my eyes. I wasn't alone. Those words would always be the most beautiful words he could ever say to me. Andrian held me until I’d run out of tears to cry. When I was done, my eyes were puffy and sore, but I felt as if the burden I’d been carrying had once again been lifted.

Late the next morning, we left the forest and began passing through the farmland that surrounded the capital. My body felt heavy, but my heart felt surprisingly light. I’d fallen asleep shortly after my tears had stopped, but it was a fitful sleep that didn’t leave me rested. Sometimes it felt like every time I took a step forward, I immediately took a step back. I had held myself together so well during our travels, and I was embarrassed that I’d faltered.

Andrian didn’t say anything to me about the previous night, as if knowing that checking on me would do more harm than good. It was better to let it go and focus on what was to come, rather than what had already happened. I needed to have faith in Andrian and I needed to have faith in myself. The former was far easier than the latter.

The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation.

We passed through the farmlands quickly, not encountering anyone on the open road. Soon the golden city of Luz Dorada became visible on the horizon. The last time I’d entered the city, I was escorted in chains by the Second Prince. Back then, I was terrified that I would never leave those looming golden gates. Now, here I was, entering the city surrounded by people who would protect me, no longer a scared prisoner with no future to speak of. It made my anxieties from the night before seem trivial in light of how much my circumstances had changed.

In less than a movement, we were entering into the slums that were scattered around the city. The farthest edges of the slums had a lot of open space and it was the perfect space for the beast army to set up their camp; an open area with nothing but dirt and some small weeds growing, right next to the main road. It was the same location they had used the first time, and it was where the human delegates would come looking for us. It seemed that we had arrived first, as there was no one there to greet us.

That, in itself, was a relief. The chances of my father's men being sent to escort us were slim, as I didn't think the First Prince would have allowed it, but the thought of them waiting for my arrival filled me with dread.

The beast army began to set up their camp and soon the residents of the outer slums, noticing the disruption, started to gather on the edges of our camp. They didn’t come any closer, watching us from a safe distance, until a few brave children emerged from the growing crowd of onlookers and approached. Two small children, underweight and clad in rags, walked bravely toward us. I recognized them as the boys who’d asked to ride on Shidah’s back the last time we were here.

“Um, excuse me,” one of the boys said to the first beastman they saw, “is big brother bear with you again?”

The child, who hadn’t grown nearly as much as he should have, looked at the wolf beastman with bright, hopeful eyes.

“Well, I guess that depends on which big bear brother you’re looking for,” the wolf told them with a gentle smile. “Do you know his name? There’s a lot of bear brothers here.”

“He was the biggest bear brother!” the other one exclaimed, holding out his arms to show how big he was and jumping up and down.

“Yeah, he was as big as my house and he let us ride him even though we’re small!” the first one added earnestly. I secretly smiled as I watched their fearless enthusiasm. Yes, this was the way things could have been. How things could still be, if we succeeded in what we came here to do.

I wanted to tell the soldier that they were looking for Shidah, but now that there were other humans around, I was supposed to keep quiet. But the soldier seemed to realize who they meant without my interference, as he suddenly said, “You must mean General Shidah. He’s around here somewhere, but… wouldn’t you guys like something to eat before we go find him?”

At the mention of food, the children forgot all about Shidah and the soldier dug into his bag, producing a couple of trail cookies. Trail cookies were a popular ration made from honey, nuts, and sun dried fruit. As soon as he handed them the cookies, the children greedily stuffed them into their mouths. It reminded me of my own eating habits when I first arrived at the Palace; eating as fast as I could, in case the food disappeared before I was done. The children's stuffed cheeks and shining eyes brought a small smile to my face.

As the rest of the crowd began to realize that it was alright to approach, a couple of the wolf beastmen began handing out more of the trail cookies to the kids who came running up. The fires were already burning, and tasks were divided up amongst the remaining wolves. Some were adding water to common pots on the fire, while others chopped vegetables and indiscriminately tossed them into the boiling pots.

There were only twelve wolves present, but everyone knew their job and it was not long before several pots of a simple vegetable soup were simmering away. They passed out bowl after bowl to the hungry masses as soon as it was ready. With nothing else to do, I cautiously whispered to Andrian that I wanted to help, and approached the group of wolves who were making flatbread to go with the soup.

To my dismay, I realized it was Lieutenant Jarren who was in charge of the bread making, but he saw me approaching before I could change my mind and turn around. The hostility in his eyes had diminished a little since the last time I saw him. I wondered if I’d unintentionally beaten some of the hatred out of him the other night.

“What do you want?” he asked in a gruff voice. He wasn’t much friendlier than before, but at least he didn’t immediately turn me away.

I pointed at my throat, gestured to the people around us, and shook my head. He should have been aware I couldn’t speak with other humans around, but I did my best to convey a reminder, just in case he'd forgotten. The last thing I needed was for him to misunderstand my silence. Next, I pointed at the soldiers making flatbread, then back at myself, and gave him an inquiring look.

He took a step closer and asked, “You want to help us? I didn’t think a noble like you would be willing to lower himself to help with something like this. Don't you guys specialize in starving your people, not feeding them?”

I looked him in the eye and waited. He studied me for a moment without saying anything. Lieutenant Jarren, ignorant of how I had lived before this, thought that all nobles were the same. There was no room for him to consider that I might have experienced something different from his expectations. But when I looked around and saw the state of the people, I was disgusted too. I could understand his feelings all too well, even if they were colored by prejudice. But I held his eyes and didn’t falter until he gave in to my silent request.

“Fine, do as you please,” he said with a wave, “Perdy, get this one rolling and grilling.”

“Does he even know what he’s doing?” the one called Perdy asked, looking annoyed rather than pleased at the concept of an extra set of hands. He probably thought I would slow them down.

“How should I know? Probably not. But even a cub can figure it out, so let him try,” Jarren gave me a surprisingly gentle push toward Perdy and went back to what he was doing.

Perdy looked at me dubiously for a moment before asking, “You ever done this before?”

I nodded and reached for the dough. Between what I had learned during my journey to the Beastlands and what Andrian had taught me at home, making some basic flatbread was an easy task. Perdy watched me work through my first few breads before realizing that I knew what I was doing and leaving me to my own devices. He no longer looked annoyed, and I thought I saw a hint of a smile on his face.

Alongside a couple of wolf beastmen, I rolled and grilled flatbread after flatbread, placing them on a tray to be carried to where the soup was being served from giant common pots. I filled tray after tray with no end in sight. It seemed like the entire population of the eastern slums had come out, looking for a rare opportunity to fill their constantly empty stomachs.

As I watched them gratefully accept the food I had helped to prepare, I felt a great sense of fulfillment. I also felt an overwhelming sense of shame at the way Vrayna treated its most vulnerable citizens. There was no reason why the soldiers of Vrayna couldn’t do the same. There were enough resources to go around, but the ruling class hoarded them, overindulged, and refused to share even the tiniest scraps. They chose to let their people starve. Because these people didn't matter.

Knowing what it felt like to starve, I worked tirelessly as the sun crossed the sky, taking us from afternoon to evening. Once I’d proven my sincerity, Perdy and the other beastmen quickly warmed up to me, despite their previous hostility. I didn’t dare risk joining their conversation with so many humans around, but they spoke to me anyway, accepting the nods and shakes of my head as my contribution.

I was so immersed in my work that I didn’t even notice when the delegation from the Golden Palace arrived.