Sorry I haven't been around for a while guys. I truly haven't planned on abandoning any of my works, and it's been much too long since I've written anything for the site here (or anywhere else, for that matter). Life has just been playing hell with me for the last few years, and I haven't had neither time, nor motivation, to sit and put quill to paper.
As some of you know, a few years back, I was diagnosed with having a large "ascending aeortic aneurysm". Basically, the main artery coming out of my heart has a knot on it swollen up like a balloon. With my weight, and general health, I don't qualify for any sort of surgery on it -- "It's the world's most dangerous surgery, and you're not likely to survive it." According to all estimations, this gives me about a 10% chance to die in any given year... And, I've already beaten the dice and survived two years with this damn aneurysm; who knows how many more I might repeat my luck?!
Needless to say, depression fell upon me, with such heavy news suddenly popping up out of nowhere. It kicked my ass, and I wasn't in much shape to write for a while.
Then, just as I started coming to terms with the shadow of death looming so prominently over my head, and as I was wanting to start writing once again, my wife got sick. Diabeties led to liver and kidney failure. She suffered terribly, and I spent every waking moment that I could with her, as she was hospitalized with illness. The last three months have been hell, with her stuck in constant quarentine as she was shuffled back and forth between various hospital wings and rehab, with me being unable to go to her side and be with her.
And then, on Wednesday, July 15th, she lost her battle and passed away... and after that, all hell broke loose in my life.
My mother fell and broke her hip. The anethesia they administered to her has led to her exhibiting Altheimer-type situations. Confusion. Lose of memories, places, people, events.. Dealing with her is a complete drain, even as much as I love her. NO family is ever prepared for one of their loved ones to lose themselves in such a manner.
My uncle died the same day as my wife, just a few hours ealier.
The day after my wife died, my estranged daughter's husband called me up, "Hey Steve. We got the message. We're not going to the funeral. Never contact us again after this. Thanks!"
I still really don't know how to process that! The only way I can currently handle their extreme action is just to tell myself, "My daughter died one day after my wife," and then leave it at that. I have no clue what happened between her and her mother for my daughter to pull away with such vitriol, but I'm going to respect her wishes. I'll never contact them again, as long as I'm living.
The day before my wife's funeral, my jackass brother got drunk and totaled his car, tearing himself up in the process. He's alive -- seeming invulnerable like most total dumbasses are -- but it certainly didn't do anything to help relieve any of my stress levels...
Life has been a rollercoaster ride, and I'm just currently shellshocked. The house is finally quiet again, with just me and my little pup (Shadow) here all by ourselves. My mind clouds and rolls in circles, and I need something to distract me from everything that's going on. Bills are piling up. My wife's income is gone with her. The house is silent beyond belief now, in the midst of the night.
And so, I started this little exercise in fantasy wish fulfillment. My personal future seems bleak with lots of hardship and few rays of light within it, so I need some outlet to bypass those dark, gloomy thoughts which are hovering so heavily around.
And where's that leave the future of this story? Of all my other stories?
At the moment, I don't know. I honestly have no clue what tomorrow is going to bring. Will my mood change? Will I feel like continuing to work on this strory? Will it ever reach a conclusion? Will I even still be alive tomorrow?
I don't know.
All I know is I need a distraction from life for the moment, and this is it. I'm enjoying sitting down and escaping my woes and burdens with this little story, and someday in the future I hope to return to my others. I haven't gave up on any of them, but life has driven most to the furtherest reaches of my aging memory, and I'll have to read back up on them, and my notes for them, before I can continue any of them again.
What I can predict is that this story, like all others of mine, will probably go on hiatus when Winter rolls around. I have arthritis in my knuckles, and the cold inflames them, making it hard for me to type and write as I'd want to. Winter will be a good time for me to reread and catch up on my old works, and if I'm still alive when Spring comes back around, I'm hoping to work and develop several of them further.
For now though, I just need to escape my life and indulge my worries in a second life -- thus my new story (https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/34398/a-second-life) was born. How long it'll live, I have no clue, but that suits me just fine. After all, I'm no longer certain how long I'll live either.
Read it and enjoy while you can, or not. Either way, I don't care. I honestly just need to sit and write something to focus my thoughts and escape my reality, and this is my escapism at work.
If you're interested, you can read the eulugy I gave at my wife's funeral here:
Spoiler: Spoiler
Remembrance of My Life’s Light
First of all, I want to take a moment to thank everyone who has showed up here today to join with us in this day of deep sorrow and mournful remembrance. We’re all gathered here today to remember, and say our goodbyes, to my wife of 25 years, Lori Duncan McNeill. Everyone’s support has been overwhelming in this difficult moment of time, and I, personally, wanted to take a moment to show my gratitude for all the warmth and support which the community has showered so lovingly upon us. And, while I’m standing up here, in front of you all, I hope you can all indulge me for a few moments as I take this opportunity to reminisce over the past, present, and future.
Something a lot of people have asked me recently, is, “Steve, how did you and Lori meet?” Or, they’ll ask, “When did you first meet?”
The answer to that is: We met multiple times, for the first time. Sounds a bit confusing? Well, it really isn’t. Our very first meeting was all the way back in high school. I was a chubby little kid back then, who was sneaking candy, fireballs, and bubblegum off to school to sell for inflated prices. Lori was simply one of the cute girls in Coach Hawkin’s history class who learned how to flutter her eyelashes daintily, and get free samples from me. We met, but we didn’t have that much interaction, nor know each other that well, during those years. After she graduated – she was a year ahead of me in school – I completely forgot about her.
Then, back in about 94, or so, my grandmother was suffering from the terminal sickness known as old age. One afternoon, I was outside, painting her porch with some white paint she’d shuffled up from somewhere, with Greg Thomas, when a car drove up past the little one lane dirt road behind us. Greg turned to me and said, “Who’s that? I don’t think I’ve ever seen that girl around here before.” Jokingly, I replied to him, “It’s my future wife.” Never could I have predicted at that moment that my words would hold true.
A few moments later, the car turned around at the top of the hill, drove back down the road, and lo and behold, it was Lori who stepped out of the car. Wearing a pure white dress, hair pulled back, and with a smile beaming across her face that lit up her surroundings; it was Lori. A shining light, who had come to help take care of my grandmother, and shine her radiance to ease the burdens we were facing.
At the time, Lori was a CNA with Arcadia health care, and she had been sent – some say by them, but I say from Heaven above – to come and help take care of my grandmother. And, it was during this time that I suppose one could say that we really met.
I was staying with Granny, watching over and taking care of her, as much as possible, in the hundred- and twenty-degree house she lived in. Weighing all of ninety pounds, Granny was thin blooded, cold, and froze all year round. Even in the midst of the hottest summer heat, she kept her a fire in her home, and the place was sweltering hot. It was this heat – bless you and thank you for it, Granny – which allowed me to get to spend as much time and get to know Lori as I have.
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Instead of staying inside, sweating ourselves to death, we’d meet outside, or on the porch, and discuss Granny’s health, when Lori showed up to relieve me of my duties, so I could go to college. Being a naturally early person by nature, Lori would arrive early at the house, and me being a naturally late person, I’d linger around to make certain she was settled in properly, before I left. Over time, this overlap, gave us the opportunity to speak and remember our history together, from our time together in History class. And, over time, as we got to know each other better, Lori started to arrive earlier and earlier each day, while I waited longer and longer before heading out to go to school. Honestly, I can’t say that such a plan was very good for my grades, but it was an excellent choice for my life!
Back on September 17th, 1995, we got married in Mom and Dad’s living room. Leon Alley was the minister. Lori was wearing a simple flower dress – very similar to the one she’s wearing even now, here in her final bed before us – and I was in a simple pair of black sweatpants and a white shirt – much like what I’m wearing now, as well.
Some people spend thousands of dollars to get married. We spent all of about $20. There was a small fee at the county courthouse to get the license, and Leon charged us $10 – which is what he gave to someone he knew who had a beautiful hand at calligraphy, to write up the wedding certificate for us.
And, it was at that point in time that we became as Ephesians 5:31 says; “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”
And, that’s exactly what we became – one flesh. After our wedding day, I can honestly say that I’ve now spent more time with her in my life, than I ever spent without her. When I got a job working nights at the mall, Lori got a job working as a CNA at Heritage Hall, so we could ride together to work and be together all the time afterwards. When I got a job working as a cleaner at VTLS, Lori quit her job as a CNA and joined me. When I started working at Victory Stadium, Lori followed me there, as well.
When I got a job delivering papers here in Floyd, Lori joined me for it – and we held that job for 17 and a half years. No days off. No holidays. No breaks. Seventeen years of working 365 days a year, 6 hours a day, every day, side by side. She’d drive and I’d pull the papers over the seat and put them in the boxes. Spring, Summer, Autumn, and Winter went by over and over, with neither of us leaving the other’s side. We woke up together. We went to sleep together. We ate together – we ate too much, but we ate too much together. For 25 years, after the day of our wedding, we spent nearly every waking and sleeping moment, together.
If you remember she’s only 47, and I’m still only 46, that means that in our lifetimes, we have spent more hours together than we’ve ever spent apart. We two truly merged and became one. A truly blessed and tight union of man and wife. In fact, it may have been too tight.
Back in 2015, or so, I ended up hurting my back. I couldn’t work any longer, and I was disabled. Lori, unfortunately, wasn’t. I began drawing disability insurance, while she was forced to leave my side and return to work as a CNA up at Skyline Manor, in Floyd. For years and years, we had spent every waking moment together, and now, all at once, she couldn’t remain by me constantly.
Somewhere, deep in the back of her mind, Lori decided that she should get on disability with me. Depression began to settle into her heart – even though the time we were apart was short and light – and many of her behaviors began to change. One of the biggest changes which overtook her, was an addictive obsession with sugary substances. She’d drink 9 to 10 liters of soda a day. Eat two to three pounds of chocolate, candy bars, or snacks. Her weight ballooned up from a point that was about half of mine, to a point that was matching mine – and, as you can tell, I have entirely too much of that!
Soon the doctor was telling her she was borderline diabetic. He told her to stop her over consumption. She didn’t, but she told him she did. To keep her from becoming diabetic, they started her on insulin. At this point, she finally got her wish and was placed on disability as well.
Once again, we were back to the point where we were together all the time, just as we had been, before my injury. Her depression subsided, she was once more filled with joyous contentment, and the world was all good and right as it was before.
Except, it wasn’t.
The addiction to all that sugar had taken deep root in her body. Her mind and spirit were now at peace, now that we were together again, but her body contained that craving for sugary sweetness. She couldn’t give up the dozens of cans of soda which she drank daily, nor could she pass up the candy and chips that society makes so incredibly easy to access.
As my heath started to improve – I went from needing a wheelchair, to needing a walker, to needing a cane, to finally being able to walk properly once again – Lori’s health deteriorated. Her kidneys began to weaken, and the battle between the sugar and the medicine started to damage her liver. Had she just controlled her habits; she’d still be here with us today. It’s just that addiction is a terrible darkness for even the brightest of lights to fight.
And, in case anyone has any doubt about it, I truly feel that Lori was indeed one of the brightest of lights which I’ve ever been blessed enough to encounter. She was a light in the darkness, which helped ease my burden and care for my grandmother. Her smile, laughter, and poetry were a light which reached and illuminated many of the people sitting here today, and echoed in their hearts. Lori loved helping people, and she strived to learn the word of God, so she could help bring it to people. One of her greatest unfulfilled desires was to someday become a pastor, or preacher, and help share the Word for others. If anyone is going to be allowed entry into those pearly gates, I can’t help but believe that she’s going to be there.
Her time on this Earth is done. Her fight, and her temptations are now over. I feel as if half of my heart left this world and went with her; but I remind myself, we’ll only be apart for a little while. Given any chance at all, and if God is willing, I hope to meet her again on the other side.
Please everyone, let’s take a moment of silence to allow ourselves to remember her, and to wish her the utmost enjoyment and bliss amongst the heavenly horde.
(pause for several moments, before continuing)
Now, several people have asked me where our daughter is, in this most trying of times. The unfortunate truth is, she has chosen not to be here with us today. For some reason, unbeknownst to me, Elizabeth grew distant and estranged from us. All I know of the situation is she stopped calling, visiting, or wanting contact from any of us. Something happened in her life a little over a year ago, and she broke all contact with… Well, with everyone. She left Facebook. She closed all her social media accounts. She changed her phone number. She moved to a new home and gave no one the address. One day she was there; the next day she had broken all connections with her family.
I didn’t even have a contact number for her, as no new numbers were given to anyone, but Mom had the number to her husband’s phone. Reaching out to him, several messages were left, informing the two that her mother had passed. When they finally responded, their message was, “Hi Steve. We got your message. We’re not going to the funeral. Don’t contact us ever again after this.”
(I know I’ll need to pause a moment here to calm down.)
Now, like many of you, my first reaction to hearing such a response is one of utter disbelief and anger. How can anyone react and respond in such a way, in such a time of hurt and emotional turmoil? It’s easy to let a dark knot of anger fill your heart, knowing that somebody is capable of acting such a way.
But, thank God, Lori’s light is still shining on me and illuminating my life. The reason she struggled and lived as long as she did with her illnesses, is she was always holding out hope to be reconciled with her daughter. For the last several months, Lori hovered at Death’s door. Each time, when she fought her way back to the living, she asked about Liz and prayed to see her once again to say goodbye.
(Pause here a moment again. This damn part is just too much for my poor heart. I know I’m going to need a break reading this; I certainly need one writing it.)
In life, there are many moments when we have to make choices on who we want to be. Are we going to be someone like Lori – though flawed, as all humans are – she was a light which brought warmth, love, and joy to all those around her. Or, are we going to be someone who dwells in the darkness of hate, anger, despair, and frustration? I can’t imagine the darkness – the wellspring of hatred – which must be currently infused in my daughter’s heart, to make her react as she has, but I can easily see how tempting it is to succumb and fall to its shadow.
Lori wouldn’t want that. I don’t want that. Instead of letting that shadow of anger affect any of our beloved friends and family gathered here today, I ask instead that you embrace the light. Embrace it for Lori, if for nothing else. Don’t resent Elizabeth – I have no idea what happened to lead her to hardening her heart against her family in such a manner. Don’t be angry with her. Don’t let a hatred form in your heart against her, nor her husband.
Instead, embrace the light. Pray for them. Pray they both will someday feel the Grace in their heart to cleanse them of the anger that currently consumes them. Lori would ask us for our prayers, so God could help show them the way to release the darkness inside their hearts, and bring back peace to their lives. Since this is Lori’s day, and this is Lori’s moment, please, let us follow her wishes in this matter.
(Pause one more time, and try not to let the emotions consume me.)
And with all that, guys (and gals), I just don’t think I can stand up here any longer and say anything more. This has been such a trying week, even with the support of all of those who are here – and the support from all of those who can’t be here, due to restrictions and concerns over the virus which pervades so much of our current lives.
My heart is just too raw and my mind is too blank to continue any longer. I love each and every one of you, and I know Lori did as well, and now I’m going to sit down and let Kevin take over and lead us in prayer and song.
Kevin, if you will…
As you can tell, just from it, things have been hectic as hell in my life lately, and that leaves me completely uncertain how to answer any question concerning the future of anything, at the moment. All I can really say is, "I just don't know." We'll see how far this escape takes me, and we'll have to wait for tomorrow to find the answers about tomorrow.
For those who might be interested, you can check out my new story at https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/34398/a-second-life, where I'm working on getting back on my feet and get back into the habit of writing daily again. And as for this story, and all my others, I honestly think it'll be at least Spring of next year (if I live that long), before I'll get started back on any of them again.