The moment Kylie appeared in game, she instantly spun around and checked to make certain that she was still safe.  Once she’d verified that the small alcove was safe, she tiptoed over to the hallway and peaked down it, confirming that there weren’t any patrolling monsters in sight.  None of her friends were in game yet, so she quickly and quietly tiptoed back to the far corner of the alcove and spent a few moments organizing the items in her rough leather pack.

After only a few minutes, Lady Heather shimmered and appeared in game in game, her face wrinkled up in a snort.  “Worthless twat, my ass!  At least mine works in both this world and the real one.  You’re the one with a worthless twat, worthless twat Nobody!”

“Oh hush!”  Kylie didn’t look up from her pack.  “Do you need some trail bread to help with your mana recovery?  I don’t have much left, but this would be a good place for it.  And join my party, won’t you?”

“I’ll join, but I’m good on the bread from last time still,” Heather replied, joining the party.

“Party Invite Friend Seran,” Kylie commanded the system, seeing Seran’s picture icon appear and hover near the corner of her vision.  An error message popped up notifying her that such wasn’t currently possible, as they were out of range.

“Hey guys,” Seran’s deep masculine half yawned through the friend channel.  “Is it OK for me to travel to you?”

“Not here,” Kylie warned him.  “Give me and Lady a moment to get outside.”

“Huh?”  Heather looked completely confused, as she asked in party chat, “How’s Seran going to join us?  Isn’t he like half a world away?”

“He thinks he’s found a magic item which can bring him to us.  We won’t know if it’ll work for certain until he tries it, but I don’t think he can come into Idiot’s Paradise with us currently.  Man, I wish we would’ve called this place Sera’s Twat.  It’d be priceless to see her reaction,” Kylie giggled as she slowly moved out into the hall and back to the entrance.

“Hold up a second,” Heather called as she hurried to catch up.  “We don’t know if all those vines and nutcases respawned and are waiting outside for us.”

“Damn…”  Kylie half shivered at the prospect.  “I hadn’t thought of that.”

“Hey Seran,” she called out over the friend channel, “be ready to try that scroll out.  We’re going outside and might get swarmed with enemies.  If so, we could use a big meatshield to hide behind as quickly as possible.”

Seran’s gruff voice immediately responded back.  “Me meat more than big enough to shield pretty elf-lady!  Me be ready!”  

Rolling her eyes, Kylie slowly stepped through the darkness and eased forward until the sound and smell of the forest carried to her again.  “OK, I think we’re at the edge of the entrance.  You should be able to come here, I hope.  If this works, we won’t have to try and go out any further and possible get ambushed.”

Heather eased up beside her and wearily keep watch down the small tunnel leading back to the creek and jungle.  A few tense moments passed and then a swirling blue portal opened up between Kylie and Heather, pushing them tight against either side of the tunnel.  When it faded and disappeared, a huge almost naked man stood in the center of the passage with a massive pile of what looked like dirty laundry in his arms.

“ME HERE!!”  Seran roared loudly, announcing his arrival to the world.  

A brief moment of silence carried from the forest and Kylie and Heather looked at each other nervously.  “Party invite Seran!”  Kylie yelled, taking a step back closer to the dungeon darkness, as sounds of hooting, chittering, and howls could be heard forming outside the tunnel.

“Me join.”  Seran said  calmly, as if the ever growing din wasn’t the least bit of concern to him.   The moment his name appeared on the party list, Kylie grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the entrance to the dungeon, but was stopped by some mysterious force as a window popped up.

Seran of the Wildmen is currently locked out from entering Idiot’s Paradise.

As the current Keepers of the Lock, do you wish to allow him access.

(Note: Only those in your immediate party may be granted access, and only if a majority of the Keepers of the Lock agree.)

“Yes!  I agree! I agree!”  Kylie yelled in a panic.  “Heather, agree quick!  They’re coming!”

“What coming?” Seran asked, still just as calm as ever.  “It something me need smash?”

“I agree!” Heather yelled, shoving Seran forward harshly while Kylie now pulled and tugged once again.  For a long moment, they were lost in the darkness again, until they reappeared on the other side, once again safe in the dimly lit tunnels.

This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

“It dark.  Make Seran squinty eyed,” Seran said, stating the obvious.

“It is,” Heather said, still trying to push the massive man in front of her, who didn’t seem to notice at all as he calmly looked from side to side, letting his eyes adjust to the dimmer lighting.  Finally giving up with a sigh, she eased around Seran’s massive frame and moved to the small alcove on the side.  “Follow me in here.  It seems to be a safe spot for setting up and organizing parties.”

Seran raised an eyebrow questioningly, but when Kylie went on in, he finally followed.   Dropping the huge bundle of pelts and such onto the ground with a loud “KA-THUMP” which caused dust to scatter everywhere, he began to dig through the pile until he finally pulled out a massive two-handed maul that made Kylie’s jaw drop open in amazement.  The hammer head looked to be almost as large and heavy as a full-sized smith’s anvil, and the handle attached to it was longer than she was tall, and as thick as her elvish forearm.

“How much does that damn thing weigh?” She blurted out, dumbstruck.

“It seven stone,” Seran said as he lifted it high in the air in one massive hand.  Kylie quickly took a moment to convert those figures to their real world equivalent.  In Winter’s Tale, a ‘stone’ was the basic unit of weight for many things, and was roughly what a fist-sized chunk of granite would weigh, which was close to seven pounds or a little over three kilograms.  That’d put the weight of Seran’s hammer somewhere close to fifty pounds, or close to twenty-three kilograms!  

“Holy hell!”  Kylie blinked a few times and stared at Heather, who stared back just as wide-eyed.  Seran’s weighed at least half as much as either of them did, and there he was lifting and holding it with one hand, showing it off.

“Here,” Seran pointed down at the remaining pile of stuff at his feet.  “Little naked elf woman can have this.  Me not sew-sew.  Me just smash-smash!”

“That’s a lot of stuff there,” Kylie said as she slowly walked over and bent to rummage through it.  The whole pile seemed to be nothing more than lots of wolf pets, with various claws and fangs scattered throughout the mess.  As she started pulling the pelts up one by one to fold them and identify their quality, a huge masculine hand reached around and suddenly grabbed her breast, pulling her small body tightly back against Seran’s massive frame.

“Squishy-squishy, soft-soft!  Me like!”  Seran exclaimed as Kylie yelped and kicked frantically, all for nothing.  She might as well have been trying to escape from a bear’s hug, for all the good her feeble struggles seemed to do.

“Seran!  If you don’t watch yourself, anything you do to me in game, I’m going to do to you in the other world,” Kylie warned, as she finally just gave up and let herself be squeezed and felt.

“Ha!  You no got balls enough.”  Seran snorted; stealing another squeeze before finally letting her go.  “But me want to see if other cute elf Lady squishy-squishy, soft-soft too!”

“Don’t you even think about it,” Heather warned icily.  “I’m not some helpless little healer like her.  I’ll melt those balls right off from you,” she warned.

“HA!  HAHAHAHAHA!”  Seran laughed hearty and heartily.  “Me thought you say me could rubby-rubby, kissy-kissy you anytime?”  He asked, staring straight at Heather.

“Well…”  Heather blinked a few times, looking uncertain.  “That was Sera, not you.  Well, I know it’s you, but you aren’t you you!  You’re you!”  Just trying to follow along with what she was saying was making Kylie confused almost as bad as Heather seemed to be, but Seran just laughed and slowly approached her anyway.

“Me, me!”  Seran said loudly, thumping his chest with his free hand that wasn’t holding his hammer.  “And me coming for you!”

Heather paled slightly, then took a step back, before slowly taking a step forward once again.  Finally standing rock still, she closed her eyes so tight that tears leaked out the corner of them.  Trembling slightly, she said nothing as Seran slowly lumbered closer, before finally reaching and giving her left breast the lightest of squeezes.

Heather paled and looked as if she was about to pass out or faint even from such a small squeeze, but Seran turned and started walking towards the exit.  “It not Squishy-squishy, soft-soft.  Me like others better.  Them mine now, me not want those.”

Kylie just stared, uncertain what to do or say.  Seran was going out and turning down the hall, Heather had sunk to her knees and was trembling like a leaf in a hurricane, and Kylie was simply lost at what the hell she was supposed to do, and how the heck she was supposed to react to Seran.  To be honest, she felt like simply sitting and shaking too for a while.

“COME WOMEN!”  Seran yelled from the hallway.  “WE HUNT!”