That year without Kate has flown damn slowly. Those ten months without her passed at a snail’s pace, making Alex feel so unhappy and lonely. Yes, he felt damn lonely, even if he had often been surrounded by people: by the clients that crossed over the threshold of his coffee shop more often lately, hiding by the cold and reading in front of the fireplace with a cup of hot coffee in their hands; by his friends, who did everything to be with him; and even his family had been with Alex because they understood what a great pain was in Doyle’s soul, something they hadn’t ever felt so intensely in him before. That’s why none of them wanted to leave Alex alone.
Not that Doyle would have been capable of madness, no. All of them were sure that he was a grown man and capable of coping with his problems. Yet, they also felt, deep in their souls, that Alexander Doyle needed people around him at that moment and not loneliness, even if he often said that he was fine and would have loved to be left alone.
He had that loneliness only in their cottage, on weekends when he could leave the coffee shop and run away from the mad world of Westport. Especially, Alex ran away from all this on New Year’s Eve because he all of sudden got to hate seeing couples passing by him on the street. He hated seeing them holding hands, stealing a kiss from each other, or smiling at each other, as Kate had smiled at him so many times in those two months while they had known each other and he got to love her for an entire life.
This run didn’t help him feel better though. On the contrary, this intensified the agony in his soul because Kate’s presence in that small wooden cottage, the one from the forest and the one that was so close to that mountain lake, was something deeply felt on his skin. Why exactly? Because of the kiss. Yes, that kiss, which he stole from her in front of the big window, after the dinner party. That kiss was bothering him inside and followed him everywhere like a ghost that had found light in him.
He saw that kiss in his dreams, each time he could fall asleep. He saw it in the reflection of the glass of wine, which he got to sip from every evening in front of the fireplace. That kiss even got to appear as a reflection in the flames that danced around the logs in the fireplace, as though that mad fire would have wanted to intensify longing from his soul and the regrets at any cost - those that were blaming him because he didn’t fully enjoy her lips, kissing them for an entire life if possible.
Because of this, he got to feel the kiss in his arms each time he thought about Kate. He felt her perfume, something that reminded him often of summer flowers. Alex even got to feel the touch of her soft skin on his chest, slowly but surely unbuttoning his shirt as though she had mistaken him, even if it’s been for a short time only, for the piano keys. At the same time, he felt the soft touch of that black dress when it fell at his feet, allowing him to see the splendor of her naked body in front of him. Thus, he had the right to touch the silk of her skin for longer… the one of love that had a woman’s body.
„Love that’s present only in dreams today,” whispered Alex, slowly bowing his head. And, closing his eyes, for a short time only, he allowed agony to take over his soul, the one that was felt more intensely every day, even if time passed at a snail’s pace lately.
When the nostalgia took over him again, Alex was behind the counter, washing cups to have them clean when the clients would have asked for more coffee. Yet, that washing of the cups was something he bungled that day because his thoughts weren’t at work for sure. Yet, he didn’t have any other choice than to be there: he had to be there because Robert needed his help. He also needed to do something and stop thinking about what happened because those thoughts that spun in his head and reminded him of what happened about a year ago and of her were so insufferable.
Yes, those thoughts had been with him all the time in the past year. They accompanied him on the street when he decided to have a walk with Mark, who managed to get out of that hospital bed and walk again, even if he had needed four long months of work and rehabilitation. Those thoughts were with him even when he spent some evenings with his family. And, even if it was joy all around or the music played, Alex’s thoughts were also there, lurking at them from the shadows and calmly waiting for him to be alone again and hold him into their arms.
Because of this, Alex got to be seen accompanied by someone more often lately. Particularly, he spent his time with Mark, whom he accompanied at all of his rehabilitation sessions. By doing this, he lied to himself and others that he was doing a favor to Erin, who turned back to work and didn’t have enough time to stay with her fiancé, because… yes, Mark Flynn asked Erin to be his wife. Flynn did that so unexpectedly and much earlier than being sure he’d walk again.
Mark didn’t do that because of selfishness but because he understood he loved her. Yes, he knew that he loved Erin Doyle like crazy, and since long ago. Yet, he didn’t realize very soon that his love was so intense. Nevertheless, he’d been forced to understand that so suddenly, one evening when he had a bad argument with Erin, whom he tried to push away from him to make sure she wouldn’t suffer because of him. Thus, he upset Erin, who yelled at him through tears, „Will my abandon make you happy, Flynn? Will you be really happy when I’m not with you anymore?” Then, without waiting for his answer, Erin left, and she didn’t come to see him for days.
By doing this, Erin gave Mark the chance to think a lot about his life. He thought about this for days. Especially, he thought about his happiness all those days. Flynn also thought about all those long years of loneliness, which he lived in his home and among people, something he came to hate so much because he hadn’t found peace and fulfillment anywhere.
Mark found peace and fulfillment in Erin eventually. He realized this before the accident, even if they spent so little time together. Still, they have been so happy. Nevertheless, it’s been enough for him to understand that she was his happiness and that life without her would have been so deserted. That’s why he looked for her eventually, telling her when he saw her again, „Be mine forever, Erin Doyle! Be my wife and not a simple passer-by in my life!”
His proposal made Erin smile. Yet, she said nothing at that moment. She just tried to hide her happiness, one she’d been dreaming of, happiness she was sure she’d have one day because something told her that Mark would look for her again. Yet, her silence had one more reason: she wanted to let Mark know that his previous behavior upset her. She wanted to make him see that, although she wasn’t upset anymore, and she stopped feeling upset the next day after she moved away from Mark. Erin even wanted to return next to him that day, but Alex didn’t let her do that. Well, what made her understand that it was time for her and Mark to stay away from each other for a while were Alex’s words, something he told her that evening at the hospital when she saw Mark crying and wanted to comfort him. That evening, Doyle told his sister, „Just… give him the time he needs. Thus, Flynn will find the way back to you alone.”
It’s been exactly as Doyle said. Yes, it really happened as he said because Mark returned to Erin and they have been happy since then, planning their wedding and happiness. A wedding that took place seven months after Kate’s departure, and this had meant happiness even for Alex. It’s when he could forget about Kate for a short time, and this happened because he’d been so busy helping Mark with preparing that wedding. He even thought that he’d completely forget her and would be able to live his life as he had done when he still didn’t know her. Yet… it wasn’t meant to be because, during the wedding when he’d seen Erin wearing that beautiful wedding dress, he imagined Kate wearing it instead of his sister.
Doyle clearly saw Kate wearing that dress during Erin’s wedding. She wasn’t with Jonathan at the altar but with him. He dreamt of her as his bride because it was what the hopeless romantic that lived inside him had been dreaming of in his moments of happiness. Yet, so soon, his dream withered when he remembered that Kate had wedding plans before leaving Westport. That their wedding had probably taken place once she’d been back to Dublin, and that she was already happy.
His eyes filled with tears after such thoughts. Yet, only the eyes of his soul shed tears at that moment, and this happened because he tried hard not to ruin his elder sister’s big day, who really found her soulmate, with whom she tied her destiny for her entire life. Because of Erin’s happiness, Alex was also happy and fulfilled because he considered that he’d been part of it. Alex thought about that even if he was sure that Erin didn’t meet Mark because of him. Yet, once he and Flynn had been friends all those years, he allowed her to be close to Mark and saw what kind of man he was. At the same time, he gave Mark the chance to see Erin often, and each time he needed that. Thus, he kept his love for Erin alive because „Out of sight, out of mind,” Alex thought when he understood that Kate’s eyes hadn’t seen him for months, and this meant oblivion in Doyle’s mind.
Well, the quote meant oblivion for others, but not for Alex. No, when Kate left and he stopped seeing her beautiful black eyes and her long chestnut hair, he got to love her more. He got to appreciate more those beautiful moments they had spent together, moments when he’d been able to hold her hand for the first time when two strangers had bothered her on the street, moments when he’d been with her to make sure she wouldn’t be alone, and moments when they had stolen a kiss from each other.
„All these had been special moments,” Alex thought, finally finishing cleaning the cups. „They have been special and will always be, even if those moments are only part of my memories. Even so, I’ll keep them inside like holy relics. I’ll do that even if she forgets them because all I want is for her to be happy.”
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Alex really wanted her to be happy, even if she was in someone else’s arms. He wanted her smiling and fulfilled. He wanted to think that she was a woman with a full life, even if she was another man’s wife because… „It’s why I love her with my heart and so purely. Yes, I love her with my heart and not only with my soul because she’s a woman who deserves pure love and not only living with someone because of convenience.”
***
A few days after that strange event from his coffee shop when thoughts took over Alex for so long and he completely forgot about cleaning the cups of coffee, the weather suddenly changed, and autumn started to act up… at will. Thus, that weather got to shake the red leaves from above, those of the beginning of November, covering the autumn streets with a new reddish carpet this way, a carpet of different shades, in fact. Autumn was also sifting cold raindrops from above, rain that only the dawn of Westport in November could sift above the town. At the same time, it allowed the cold wind to playfully winnow on the streets, looking for a soul so similar to it… just to make sure that it wouldn’t be alone in those cold autumn days…
Only Alex was alone though. He was alone in the coffee shop that morning, looking at the outside rain and at those tears that were dripping from above so majestically as though they had been piano keys touched by the soft fingers of an invisible goddess. It was a piece of good music that accompanied the dance of the red leaves that were falling from above, leaving the warm embrace of the branches for another cold hug - of the earth this time. Alex wasn’t just staying in front of that big window, looking at the rain, but he also sipped the aroma of the fresh coffee from the white mug… his favorite, a mug with two red lips painted on its white ceramic.
Looking at those red lips, Alex smiled eventually. „It feels as though I have her face between my palms, something that lures me to kiss them forever… Those lips I’ve been dreaming of kissing all these long months of solitude.”
Yes, he’d been dreaming about her lips all those months. He also dreamt of Kate because her absence suddenly stopped hurting him so much. It stopped feeling so painful from that day with the mugs. The reason? He also didn’t know that. Only… a strange thought that entered his mind and remained there, often whispering into his ear, „It’s November again, Alex! It’s autumn again and maybe she’ll come too!”
Yet, Kate didn’t come. The man was also sure that she wouldn’t do that eventually. Kate wouldn’t have come because he’d been a coward that day when he let her go. Thus, he allowed her to leave his arms and rise in the air in the form of a free bird, which had only the horizon in front and not his face as the finish line.
All this wasn’t a problem for him anymore because he decided to be happy even without her. Nevertheless, Alex was sure that he wouldn’t be able to forget her or love another woman. Just… he decided to stop suffering because if he had always suffered while thinking about her, this would have meant betrayal for her for sure. Why exactly? Because… this would have meant that she was an evil woman, one that had stolen his heart when she left and was stubborn to return it to him. Yet, she hadn’t ever been mean to him, just as she hadn’t ever stolen anything from him. Kate had just been there and charmed that hopeless romantic with her presence, making him love her for his entire life.
„For this, I have to be grateful to her forever and not sad,” the man whispered, closing his eyes and allowing nostalgia to take over him again, for a short time only. „I have to be grateful to her because I got to know what real love means, love that I won’t ever forget.”
Undoubtedly, Alex wouldn’t have ever forgotten her love because it was the only pure memory he had. It was a memory that made him smile eventually because the thoughts about her often made him smile and not sad. Such memories made him want to live it forever because, for him, those moments seemed so alike to those from the past… from that red and rainy November… which meant happiness, in fact.
Suddenly, Alex winced when he opened his eyes and looked through the window again. Even his heart stopped in his chest for a few moments because… he saw Her. Yes, it was undoubtedly her, who was slowly and secretly advancing on the autumn asphalt, barely touching the wet path, although she was proudly and confidently stepping on it… on that wet asphalt, abundantly bathed by the tears that fell from above. Those were tears of happiness and tears that the man’s soul had been shedding for months while staying in front of the big window of the coffee shop „Aisling.”
„It’s Kate!” Alex caught himself whispering all of a sudden. „It’s her! Yes, it’s undoubtedly her!” And, forgetting about the cold weather and the cold raindrops, Alex ran out of the coffee shop, not taking the coat on his shoulders.
He didn’t have time to do that because his happiness turned back to him. Kate was there because her chestnut hair, which was falling like beautiful waves over her shoulders and breasts, those covered by a brown coat and a white dress under it, was something Alex knew very well. The man also knew that big umbrella, the color of the ripe cherries, because… he’d seen a similar umbrella at Kate a year ago when he’d seen her in front of his coffee shop for the first time.
Yet… the tears from above suddenly bathed his soul and cheeks too because… the woman he’d seen on the street wasn’t Kate. That woman wasn’t also a memory or a vision he’d seen through the big window of his coffee shop but a copy of her. „A perfect copy,” as he caught himself whispering again. He was on the street at this time, a few meters from the entrance to the coffee shop, and staring at the young woman who made his heart wince again, even if she wasn’t Kate.
No, that woman wasn’t Kate. She was just someone who looked like her: having similar hair and clothes. Also, that burgundy umbrella made him so similar. For the rest… the two women were so different because Kate had white skin, the color of the milk when a cold light was bathing her body, and the color of the ripe peaches when that light was warm. Her copy instead had an olive skin and her eyes weren’t as deep black as Kate’s eyes. And, for that contrast to be more visible, Alex also realized that the hair of the new stranger was almost red and had nothing of those ripe chestnuts, a color deeply hidden in Kate’s curls. And… this new stranger was shorter and her walking wasn’t the same as Kate’s. Just… „An illusion and nothing more. Something that was born in my soul because of this killing longing…”
Even so, understanding this sweet-cruel truth, because Kate was not there and she didn’t turn back to him, Alex stood in that place for a very long time. Staying there, he looked behind the new stranger until this one disappeared on one of the side streets that led somewhere to the right of his coffee shop. Alex looked at her for so long because she still reminded him of that big love that he still wanted to come but wasn’t coming.
Eventually, seeing that the dress of the evening was seen everywhere, Alex smiled. He felt weird because he had allowed himself to be charmed by a vision. He’d been so charmed that he left his coffee shop with no coat on his shoulders and looked at the horizon and at the silhouette of that woman for so long. Yes, all this was strange even for him because he was so in love that he got to forget all those principles that controlled his life all those years like the principle that „a man never loses his head for a woman.”
Nevertheless, he had forgotten all this ten months ago when he understood that what he felt for Kate wasn’t just sympathy or admiration. He learned to love her then, and love is often forgetful when it wants. At the same time, Alex understood, in that past November, that happiness was something real and that it had really knocked on his door, even if it’d been there for a short time only. Even so, he was meant to think about it for his entire life.
He had to do that no matter what, and Alex was pretty sure of this. He had to think about his happiness and how happy he’d been or would be. Yes, he had to do that but inside his coffee shop because the raindrops, which wet his white woolen pullover, felt too cold, just as the rain wet his blue jeans, which he chose to combine with the pullover.
Feeling the autumn cold, Alex shivered, slowly rubbing his both arms with his palms. He did that, trying to warm up, at least while getting inside and changing his clothes with dry ones. Yet, before getting inside, Alex winced when he heard someone’s voice behind him, calling his name, „Alexander Doyle?”
Looking behind him, where he’d heard his name called by someone, Alex saw a man insistently looking at him: the mailman. Seeing him there, Alex was so amazed because he realized that he wasn’t waiting for any package or letter and neither did he ask for this service to send something to someone. A strange thought that made him smile again because, you see, „Who sends letters by post nowadays?”
Even if he understood this, Alex said nothing about that. He only nodded, approving to the mailman that he was the man that one was looking for. Then, he signed for the package he received and held the small box to his chest after this. A package with a strange address on it, one from Dublin, but without the name of the sender on it. Yet, even if receiving that package was something weird for him, Alex still held that package to his chest. Why? Because he felt that it was what he’d been waiting for in those past ten months.
Thus, holding the package in his arms, Alex finally entered the coffee shop. He didn’t go to change his wet clothes for dry ones, even if he felt them sticking to his body and making him suddenly shudder because of the warm air from inside. On the contrary, Alex seemed to have forgotten about them. He just approached the counter where he found a small knife used for opening envelopes and packages, and cut the tape that kept it closed.
Opening that box, Alex frowned. This happened because there weren’t any presents or small things as he expected to find inside it, but a book. It was a book with a white cover and a beautiful lady with chestnut hair portrayed on it… A lady who was sipping from a cup of coffee and seemed so happy in that image. The book had also a title Alex loved right away and something that made him smile eventually, „The Coffee Has Your Smell,” by Kathleen O’Connell.”
Reading the name of the author down the cover, Alex winced again. „Well, I see now that she not only loves reading books but also writing them. She finally decided to open her soul and put it on a white sheet of paper, writing about her beautiful feelings. Nice, Kate! Really nice because… it means you are happy now.”
He was also happy at that moment. He was as happy as he hadn’t ever been because he understood that he did great when he allowed her to freely fly toward the sun, away from him. Thus, Kate had the chance to fulfill that big dream she had and embrace happiness. She also had time to write a book and not only think about sadness. A book that Alex tightly held into his arms after he opened it and read those few lines written there for him, right on the first page, „I wished you had dared to stop me that day, Alex! I wish we had been together now…”