The thoughts had always been present in Mark’s head. Especially, they started to take over him after the accident. They were thoughts about what was coming, about how much he had to suffer in his life, or about what happened in his life because enough things happened in Flynn’s life and a lot he suffered too. Yes, he definitely suffered too much in his life, but Mark hadn’t ever complained about this. That’s why only a few of his friends knew his real story and that he wasn’t that playboy or that rich boy everybody thought he was. At the same time, Flynn didn’t have a life with no worries or problems as many of those who knew him or had contact with him in one way or another described him.
Actually, Mark wasn’t the kind of person who complained to others about how cruel and difficult could be this life. He could smile in front of his problems instead as he had always done since his mother passed away, whom he lost when he was only five because of cancer. He could jokingly tell others that he was a poor guy with money because his soul was poor, and Mark said such jokes when he received from life more slaps than caresses and met thorns in his way toward the future. Because of this, he could close inside for a long time, thinking about everything that happened and wondering „Has this been my fault for what happened or is this just another test fate puts in front of me to see if I’m worthy to succeed or I’m just a poor soul that passes through life?!”
Mark hadn’t ever found an answer to such questions: neither from life nor from his friends, whom he had often asked, like a joke only, what they would have done if they had been in one situation or another. Mark even got to describe those situations in detail, supporting his idea as being just thoughts he had because he wanted to write a book. Thus, he hadn’t ever let others understand that the main character of those stories was he in fact. And he wasn’t an adult character in those stories but a child because Flynn had always suffered in his childhood when he’d been left alone in many cases without others caring about his pain. A loneliness that he had often felt painfully biting his throat just to let him know that he wouldn’t ever get rid of it. Even so, stubborn by nature, Flynn had told himself that he wouldn’t be defeated or knocked down by a damn loneliness. That’s why he had always fought tooth and nail with it, clinging to life. Thus, he got to get rid of loneliness while being among friends, those he was always looking for because he knew that this was his only chance not to be alone with those thoughts that slowly but surely devoured him inside.
Because of the same loneliness and thoughts Mark got to understand Kate very well. He didn’t do that because of what she had told them about her or something she had deliberately done, but simply by looking into her eyes. Flynn saw a sea of sadness there, the same sadness he often saw in his eyes when he was still a child. Mark had seen the same sadness even when he was a teenager. Even so, he hadn’t ever been able to understand why he didn’t have the right to be loved and why he was the only one left behind when everything he needed was a family.
The family he needed Mark had found soon after going to primary school and made friends with Alex. Actually, he had known Doyle since always because he had seen him before at dinners and family parties, once their parents were friends. Nevertheless, they hadn’t ever talked to each other or been close. The reason? Mark considered that Alex was a freak because Doyle had definitely been a weirdo while being a child, preferring to be alone instead of being surrounded by friends. Thus, he was the opposite of Flynn, who ran as far as he could from that painful and toothy loneliness while Alex did everything to look for it.
With Erin instead happened the contrary because, even if she was a few years older than them, Mark still found her beautiful, although he was still very young at that time. Mark found her beautiful because of her blue eyes and her blond hair, which fell over her back like beautiful curls that she often grabbed to the back of her head with a ribbon. A black ribbon that Mark had often seen in his teenage years when he started to dream about pure love, mutual love, and not a platonic one as Erin had often let him know that his love for her could only be.
Because of the same black ribbon with oval edges, Mark started looking for happiness in other women. He did that, trying to chase the loneliness away from his soul no matter what, a loneliness that did everything to control his heart, making him think about Erin all the time. He was thinking about her especially when he heard her telling him, „Just friends.” Yet, no matter how much Mark didn’t look for comfort in the arms of other women and in the scent of other ribbons grabbed in the hair of other Misses, Flynn hadn’t ever found that magic elixir he had always looked for. And, right after he understood that the Miss with whom he was dating at that time wasn’t what he needed, he suddenly turned distant, absent, and indifferent, managing to add one more failure to the long list of his failed relationships because his girlfriends abandoned him for sure after that.
Even so, Mark’s indifference wasn’t for sure an experience he got over the years but a „Family relic.” It was undoubtedly a „holy relic,” which he hated even if he was aware of it, a relic he hadn’t ever tried to get rid of. Why exactly? Because this helped him think, feel free, and look for other purposes in his life, as his father always did because indifference was something Mark had inherited from Edward.
Father and son were pretty similar actually - not only their character was alike but also their physical. At the same time, many, especially women, adored both of them. Thus, none of them had ever lacked attention and „love,” something that seemed that they hadn’t ever looked for in purpose. At least this didn’t happen in Mark’s case, who had always looked for women’s attention because he wanted to find that „unique woman” of his heart, his „Queen” as he often used to joke when he was among friends and those friends made fun of him when they found out about a new failed relationship of Mark.
In Edward Flynn’s case, women had always been his soul treasure. He adored them being only a teenager, when he’d been young, and even after he got married. Edward always adored them because he found the „fulfillment” with them, as he was often heard telling his friends when they were asking him about what he found in that new Ms. or Mrs. with whom he was seen at that moment. Ladies who had often been seen by others next to Edward even when his wife, Emma, was still alive.
Emma instead, even if she often saw her husband accompanied by other women, hadn’t ever reproached him that. She not only didn’t reproach Edward that he was cheating on her, but she even blamed herself for this. She did that thinking that she wasn’t pretty enough, talented, or what he needed if Edward preferred other women in her place. Emma did that even if she knew that only thanks to her Edward was known as one of the most influential businessmen in the area. This didn’t happen only because of the investment Emma made in his business but also because of her direct help because Emma Flynn had been a woman whom people rarely meet in their life: able to make even a dry stone drip water when it was necessary. She’d been a woman coveted by many men. Yet, she’d been the woman who wrongly chose love in life, and this happened because she fell for Edward right away - after a first smile and then a hot kiss because Edward Flynn was very skillful at such tricks, and she fell for him because Edward wanted her no matter what. Edward Flynn wanted Emma right from the beginning, after seeing her at one party and finding out whose daughter she was. Thus, he decided to have her as his wife and his successor’s mother because both of them were born into wealthy families and a worthy heir was all they wanted.
Nevertheless, Edward hadn’t ever had that worthy heir with Emma. At least this was what he thought: that their child, Mark, wasn’t what he wanted. The reason? Mark had been a sickly child, who hated the riding and the hunt while Edward desperately wanted his son with him. Edward wanted his heir to be with him all over even from his young years, and he wanted that because he wanted to show to the world that Edward Flynn, the biggest of the „Kings of Westport” had a worthy successor.
Because of this, Edward got to hate his son as time passed. He hated him for his skinny body, for his gray eyes that were weakly shining, and for his almost red hair that had nothing to do with Edward’s black and thick hair. Mark was also pale, „as white as a vampire” as his father often hissed through his teeth when he was pissed off with him and argued with Mark. Edward also did that because he would have liked Mark to have his olive peach skin that was almost olive - „the color of a healthy man,” as he often told his friends to praise himself, something that he was sure Mark wouldn’t ever have.
At the same time, Edward hated Mark because he saw him as one of his rivals who competed with him for the women’s hearts. Edward hated Mark because his son got to be a handsome man, who was much more influential than he was or had been in his youth age. This happened after Mark managed to make his mother’s business work again, something related to interior design and construction, a business Edward left behind, thinking that it wasn’t worth wasting his time with it. Not only because of this Edward hated his son, but he also hated him because Mark became someone important in Westport due to his work and not because of someone’s help, something that hardened his soul and body. Thus, Mark became the support of many in town but never Edward’s support.
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All this made the two Flynns argue more often than before. They argued because of the family business too, something Mark didn’t want to be involved in, and Mark didn’t want that because the casinos, Edward’s main business, wasn’t something he liked. At the same time, they argued because Mark didn’t want to be submissive to his father, who considered that his son was forced to do that, once he was older, wiser, and experienced. Because of the same thoughts, Edward hated when Mark replied to him - somehow authoritarian and convincing, something Mark had definitely inherited from his father. Even so, even if he was his father’s younger copy, Mark hadn’t ever been good enough for his father, and this happened because he refused to bow his head in front of Edward.
Such arguments managed to lead them away from each other, much more than they were already. They even got not to talk to each other for months. If they were seeing each other, at a luncheon or business party, they were coldly greeting each other, pretending to have a good relationship. Both of them did that because both father and son preferred to keep their problems only for them and not share them with other people, especially with their enemies. For the rest, each of them lived his life, trying to do the best they could to succeed and build a better future, turning into someone really important in that modern society that had always kept an eye on them, like those hungry crows that were always looking for prey.
Nevertheless, all this hadn’t ever bothered Mark - to be in the spotlight. What bothered him instead was his relationship with Edward, with whom he hadn’t ever been able to have a normal talk or build a strong bridge between them because they were the only family they had. Yet, no matter what Mark didn’t do wasn’t something Edward liked. Edward even did everything to let his son know that he wasn’t good enough and didn’t reach his standards. Edward also did everything to tell Mark that he wasn’t good for one business or another, reminding him that „A good and worthy heir always bows his head in front of his parents to make sure he’ll be worthy to follow them in their footsteps.”
Such „advice,” received from his father, managed to hurt Mark more. Not only did the words hurt him but also the irony felt in Edward’s voice, just as it hurt him to know that his father hadn’t ever looked at him as an equal soul. Even so, Mark hadn’t ever given up on his biggest dream - to be accepted by his father, on Edward to praise him for his successes and tell him at least once in his life, „You did great, Flynn. You are worth to be my son!”
***
Mark’s eyes suddenly filled with tears because of those painful memories from his past that tormented him so much that he hadn’t been able to control himself anymore. Flynn was incapable of controlling his feelings at that moment, although for days, after the accident, he tried not to cry or show Erin that he was afraid. He just tried hard not to let her understand that he started to fear the future so suddenly, just as he feared that he’d be alone and powerless again. Mark didn’t want to feel this again, to feel the same as he had felt when he lost his mother, and his father didn’t care about him but left his son alone.
At that moment though, tears took over him, bathing not only his cheeks but also the pillow under his head, powerfully shaking his body. Mark was crying with all his body at that moment. He cried because of the present that painfully slapped him again, he cried for the past that made him so weak, although he tried so hard not to show this feature to anybody, just as he was crying for the unknown future that made Flynn fear it.
What Mark was so afraid of was that he wouldn’t be strong and on his feet again. He was afraid that he’d be left behind by his friends, abandoned by the one he loved, although Erin let him understand that she’d always be with him, just as he was afraid that he’d lose everything he built with his hands all those years: businesses, important relationships with people, and even his life that, even if it wasn’t perfect, was still his. At the same time, Mark was afraid that he wouldn’t be the previous Mark anymore, and he was afraid of this because, each time life painfully slapped his face again and forced him to stand up alone, Flynn became another person. He was stronger, but this hadn’t ever satisfied him because this hardened his character and made him so similar to Edward.
„Something I don’t want to happen ever,” murmured Mark, sobbing. „I really don’t want that. I don’t want to be like him: lacking soul and having no respect for love. If this happens, it will mean that I’m losing everything I’ve always fought for.”
He was alone in the ward at that moment because Erin wasn’t back yet. When she left, Mark was still sleeping. Yet, this didn’t ever bother or concern Mark because he knew that Erin left only for a short time. That day though, right after awakening, he felt weird. He felt as though the entire world was about to collapse, that the earth was about to crack and swallow him, dragging him toward its bottomless depth.
The reason for that hopelessness wasn’t a dream he might have had or an old fear that awakened inside him. No, it undoubtedly hadn’t anything to do with his tears. What confused him so much and made him fear was undoubtedly Erin’s words that she told Edward. Mark heard her talking to his father at that moment, although Erin made that call in the corridor. Even so, Mark heard her complaining to Conor after that, whom she called after talking to Edward, reproaching her father in a loud voice, „I don’t really understand how you can be friends with someone like that, father. He’s a soulless man, who asks if his son is dead instead of worrying about him.”
Mark felt such words like a knife that stabbed his soul. That „if he’s dead” was undoubtedly about him, words that only Edward might have spoken because he was a man who didn’t know what love meant. That’s why his father could ask such questions instead of pretending to care or at least stop by there as any normal person would have done for someone he knows. Yet, „What I’ve expected from him?” Mark wondered after that. „He hasn’t ever loved me. That’s why he doesn’t care about me. I’ve always been a mistake for him, that unworthy heir he didn’t want and whom he would have wanted to be erased from the earth’s surface. That’s why he asks if I’m dead and not alive. If this had happened, this would have meant victory for him for sure.”
With such words spinning in his head, Mark fell asleep that afternoon. At least he pretended to be asleep when Erin entered the ward to check how he was. Mark did that because he didn’t want to ask her to explain things to him because the curiosity suddenly started squirming his soul, something that made him want to ask her, „What else did he say? Did he at least feel sorrow? Or… does he come?”
Eventually, eyes closed, Mark fell asleep. Before that, he felt Erin moving up and down through that ward. He felt her agitated because Mark knew very well that Erin hated injustice. Then, when he awoke at one point, he saw her with her back to him, in front of the big window, watching into the distance. She had her arms folded over her chest, as each time Erin stood when thoughts and emotions overwhelmed her. Seeing this, Mark preferred not to let her know that he was awakened. He did that aware that Erin needed to think and make a decision. „A decision for two,” as Mark told himself after that because he knew that it was time for Erin to make that decision and leave him because, even if he loved her, Flynn wasn’t selfish and didn’t want to keep her with him. Not when he knew how much pain waited for him in the future and not when he wasn’t sure that he’d be able to walk again, just as he wasn’t sure he’d be again that Mark with whom she had fallen in love.
***
The moment she got in front of the ward and saw Mark crying, Erin wanted to enter, scared a lot to see him like that. Yet, she suddenly felt someone grabbing her arm and pulling her away from the door. This amazed Erin a lot because she wasn’t expecting anybody there. Looking to her left, she saw Alex, who shook his head and told her, „Don’t do that, Erin!”
„Not to do what?” She asked her brother, amazed a lot because of his words, which she didn’t understand.
„Don’t enter that ward, I mean. More… don’t trample his dignity.”
„Have you lost your mind?” Erin’s eyes yelled at him after this while she kept staring into Alex’s eyes, who seemed very preoccupied. She was right to wonder this, once she couldn’t understand how her brother could think something like that about her - that she was able to trample Mark’s dignity. Not after all she’d done for him and not after she’s sworn to be with him for an entire life.
Only when Alex whispered, „No man ever wants his woman to see him crying, Erin. Mark doesn’t want you to see him crying because he’s a real man” did she understand what her brother meant by saying those words.
Even so, confused, she whispered eventually, „Something that seems crazy to me because… Alex, he needs me in such moments. He needs me to show him that I care about him, that I’ll always be with him, and that he can count on me.”
„Mark knows that, Erin. Deep in his soul, he knows this. Yet, at this right moment, he doesn’t need words but deeds. Mark needs to be alone, think about what happened, and make decisions.”
„Decisions that can disadvantage him. Decisions that can hurt both of us.”
„You don’t know that. You can’t know what he’ll decide. Actually, I’m sure that no matter what Mark decides, it’ll be for the good of both of you.”
After that whisper, when she felt powerless and covered her face with both palms, Erin felt Alex hugging her. Then, he confidently told her, „I won’t allow this to happen, Erin. Don’t worry! Just… give him some time to be alone for a while. Give him some time to understand that his life will be deserted without you. Then, when he understands this truth and that his life is worthless without you, he’ll be again that Mark we all know. He’ll be that Mark we learned to love and respect, that Mark that has always been there for us, supporting us, leading our steps through the darkness when we didn’t see the light. When this happens and when Mark is confident again, he’ll make other plans for sure… those with a single future for both of you. A safe future, Erin. A future with you.”