Ego had always been Kate’s worst enemy. An ego that she had always compared to cowardice, even if she didn’t understand why she did that. No, she knew that big truth that her heart kept inside, but which her mind mentally tried not to accept - that she was always choosing cowardice instead of happiness, and she did that because she was afraid of love.
Yes, Kate was undoubtedly afraid of love. She was afraid that she would fall in love again, give herself totally to the other person, involve herself body and soul in a new relationship, and she’d be hurt unto blood again. That is why she chose to leave that evening when she understood that she felt more than admiration and friendship for Alexander Doyle.
„What I feel is undoubtedly longing,” she suddenly told herself. She was staying in front of the big window in her hotel room, which she hadn’t left at all in the last few days, with a cup of hot coffee in her hand and looking into the distance. „Just as this is betrayal,” she added, sadly looking at the coffee’s steam, which was so playfully dancing above the cup that was half emptied. „It’s betrayal both for me and him. Yet, I couldn’t act differently. I can’t hurt him, knowing that I’m not ready to be involved completely in a relationship with him. At the same time, I can’t tell him that I can’t give up on this relationship that hurts me so much, and this is so because of a stupid ego and longing.”
Why exactly longing? Kate wasn’t that sure. All she knew was that, for an unknown reason, she couldn’t abandon Ward. „Not yet. Not now. Not until I haven’t tried everything for this relationship to work,” she kept repeating in her head, although she always heard a secret whisper in her soul that told her, „Still, Kate, don’t do that! Move on because you’ve suffered enough! You shed too many tears because of him and your injured heart, which was continuously stabbed by his words, which he used to hurt you, spilled too much blood. He didn’t hurt you only through words, but also through his reckless or maybe planned actions. He also hurt you when he had often forgotten you, just as you had been injured by his abandon, and, undoubtedly, by his betrayal. A betrayal in front of you because, despite all you endured because of him, you’d been only his, and you did everything for your relationship with Jonathan to work.”
Yet, their relationship didn’t work. It hadn’t worked right from the beginning, although Kate lied to herself that it was perfect. Actually, their relationship wasn’t meant to work, not while one of them was body and soul involved in it while the other one was sowing thorns on their way. Yes, it was impossible for that relationship to work while one of them saw only love in the eyes of the other one while the second partner wasn’t ever seeing the other one’s eyes. All that Jonathan had seen in her was her body, a perfectly curved one, that body that was adored by many people because almost all the men that had ever known Kate knew that she looked damn good, and that’s why they would have liked to have her.
Kate really looked good. She heard this so many times before that she didn’t remember how many times she heard that „She’s so beautiful. She’s undoubtedly a goddess because only a goddess can look like her… A goddess with a woman’s body.”
Such a thought made Kate bitterly smile eventually. „A goddess that has experienced pain and longing only. A goddess sunken into loneliness only to avoid the pain. A Beautiful Helen who has forgotten about herself just to make sure she won’t ever be ignored, hurt, and abandoned. Still, I’m that Helen of Troy who won’t ever find her Paris.”
No, she was lying to herself again! Kate was shamelessly lying to herself at that moment, and she did that because she couldn’t accept that she’d been a coward when she moved away from Alex, avoiding answering his phone calls. She’d been a coward because she was afraid that she’d give up like the real Helen of Troy did, cheating on Ward in Doyle’s arms. Yes, Kate was really afraid of betrayal. She was especially afraid to betray herself because she had always been faithful, the woman of a man only. At that moment though, so unexpectedly that she was often shuddering, she felt the need to feel the love in another man’s arms. Kate desperately wanted to feel all this, and she wanted that because she was hungry for such feelings, ones she’d been deprived of for so long that she had practically forgotten its smell and what it felt. That’s why, the moment she started to remember that she was also a woman, the moment she wanted more from life than to wait for someone, the moment she wanted to be a goddess in a god’s arms, she chose to run away and she did that because she understood that all this was too much for her.
Why exactly was all this too much for her? Because happiness has always been something abstract for Kate. It was something she had found only in books and among their pages. Something she found only in dreams when she saw herself in her mother’s arms or walking on the streets. There were dreams about herself when she was still a child and, holding her parents’hands, she was walking in the park or running through the fresh grass, barefoot, while her parents watched her play. Dreams that had been only dreams eventually and nothing more.
Because of all this, Kate couldn’t betray herself. She couldn’t embrace real happiness, not as long as she couldn’t make peace with herself. That’s why she knew that she didn’t have the right to be happy and make such simple dreams real. Yet, she knew she had the right to be happy, even if this had been in another man’s arms and not with Jonathan, whom she had always considered hers, but who became, so suddenly, the stranger that was of another woman.
„He had actually been a stranger to me. All this time, he’d been the man of another woman and not mine. He’d been the man of all those women that accepted him, without asking for more from him. Instead, I wanted more, and that’s why all I had had in the end was loneliness, waiting, and the hope that maybe tomorrow would be different. Yet, it wasn’t. It wasn’t to be and maybe it’s time to face reality and move on because… Kate, as long as you don’t see the longing in front of you and don’t accept that you’ve lost, you don’t have the right to be happy.”
Tears bathed her eyes at that moment. At the same time, her eyes were bathed by memories, by a warm light born because of the thought that maybe tomorrow would be really better than today, a warm light that Kate was running away from, afraid not to be hurt again. She was running away from herself too, just as she was running away from Alex, whom she wanted to be with at least as her friend, but whose happiness Kate couldn’t accept, at least not that easily.
Kate couldn’t accept his friendship because she wanted more than this. She started to want more from that night when she held him to her chest, and he, like a child, deeply breathed in her warmth, suffering for a friend. It’s when Kate understood that Alex was more than a simple passer-by, someone whom she had always missed. Just…
„…I can’t be with him eventually. Not without hurting him and not while I still don’t know what I want from this life or with whom I want to be. If I don’t do that and if I venture into a new universe without being sure that I’ve left my past behind, all I’ll do is hurt both of us, and this will hurt like hell…”
***
Those few days without Kate passed damn hard. Yes, the days passed away at a snail’s pace, and this happened because he couldn’t understand why she ignored him and didn’t answer any of his text messages. And yes, Alex had texted her a lot. He even stopped by the hotel, asking for her. He’s been told instead that „Ms. O’Connell doesn’t accept visits and if someone asks to see her, to leave her a message and she’ll contact him after that when she’d be available.”
„As though we are strangers,” Alex whispered, frowning. „Well, maybe we are strangers. Eventually, we’ve known each other for a few weeks only and know so little about the other one. Yet, I thought there was something more than this between us. I thought we were at least friends if there wasn’t anything else between us. Yet, how wrong I’ve been and… so stupid…”
Such thought made Alex suddenly stop the uncontrolled movement of his hands, which had been washing cups since the morning. Then, hands covered by white foam, which were so pleasantly smelling like coffee grounds, he stood for a long time above the sink that was behind the counter, with his eyes closed and his head bowed. He did that, thinking that this would help him to get rid of the storm from his soul. At the same time, Alex tried to get rid of the longing… the longing for her.
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Yet, Kate was not coming, Alex was sure of that. The reason? It couldn’t be different, not as long as she had left that night without even saying goodbye to him, and not while she wasn’t answering the phone or texting back, ignoring him this way. She was undoubtedly doing this because she had a plan in her head or because she probably decided that he wasn’t what she needed and that’s why she left him, choosing another road for her and another future. „A future next to that „Worthy Rival” and not with me, a dreamer who only wanted to make her happy.”
„And, because of this, you’ve lost her,” Alex suddenly heard Robert’s voice to his left, whose voice made him wince. Looking at his assistant, Alex saw him focused on the cups, which he was taking from the tray with those cups Alex had washed and cleaning them with a white cloth that they kept there for this. And, while cleaning one cup, Robert seemed absent and at all interested in Alex.
Robert’s calmness, who seemed so absent and at all interested in what was going on around him, was only an illusion. Alex clearly saw that his assistant did that because he tried to be solidary with him. Yes, there was undoubtedly masculine solidarity in his relationship with Robert, with whom he had been working for so long already and got to know each other. At the same time, Robert got to understand Alex’s weird habits, something he hadn’t ever judged Alex for, even if he had had enough reasons to do that, once Alex hadn’t spent only one day in front of the big window, looking into the distance and not helping him with the clients. What Robert did instead was to be with him, change his cup of coffee with another one, something Alex hadn’t always been aware of. Robert was also taking care of the clients alone, trying not to bother Doyle, understanding very well how much pain could be in a lonely man’s heart.
„Or maybe not,” Robert suddenly murmured, making Alex wince again.
„Or maybe not what?” Doyle asked, confused.
„Maybe you still didn’t lose her. Not yet, because, as long as she doesn’t refuse you while staying in front of you, you still have a chance to be happy with her.”
Alex smiled. „Do you think so?” He whispered, starting to wash the cups again. „That I still have a chance to be happy?”
„That’s already something that cannot be discussed. All of us have the right to be happy, no matter who’s with us eventually.”
„Maybe you are right. Yet, Robert, let’s not forget one thing - our happiness is tightly related to our heart. Thus, if our heart is stubborn to long for someone, for an entire life, there cannot be happiness in our soul, don’t you think so too?” Robert shook his head. „The reason?”
„Ourselves, Mister Alex. We are responsible for our happiness and not our heart because, besides soul and heart, we also have a brain. Thus, if our brain gives the command that’s the time to live other times than shaking because of longing, someone’s abandon, or ignore, we can undoubtedly be happy then.”
„Still, I have another opinion, Robert. I think that not everybody can ignore his soul and live as his brain orders him to live. I, for example, can’t live without it. Without my soul, I mean. I live with the heart, honestly.”
„You know, I have understood that since long ago.”
Alex smiled again. „Still, you didn’t say anything about this. Why?”
„Because this is none of my business. At the same time, it’s not my duty to make you understand that suffering doesn’t make you any good. Not until long ago, when I have understood that suffering destroys you. Don’t you think so too?”
„What exactly?”
„That you aren’t the master of your own life anymore and that you are afraid of living alone again?”
„Alone? I? I haven’t ever been alone. I have you, Erin, Mark, and many others. I have this place, my clients, the books…”
„…but you don’t have your happiness with you, Mister Doyle. You don’t have her.”
Alex winced. „I don’t have her? Do you mean… the stranger?”
„Who else?! I’m talking about her in particular because she’s the one who made you so happy in the last few weeks since you have known each other. She’s the one who made you leave loneliness behind and brought a smile to your lips again. That’s why, Mister Alex: since you met Ms. Kate, you cannot ever say that you are lonely.”
„Still, I am. Okay, I said before that I wasn’t lonely. Yet, I have to accept that I’ve been lonely. I was fine like that, you know: being alone because I could do a lot of things like… being myself, admiring the creation and the beauty of the world.”
„Even so, I think that you haven’t gotten to know yourself 100%. Why? Because you can’t see now that you are a different Alexander Doyle and not the one you’ve been before knowing her. Why? You understood that, without love, someone cannot live.”
„Of course, one can live without love, Robert. I think that’s possible. I mean… one can live without physical love. But, you can live with the one from your heart, even if it’s platonic only. At the same time, we can always keep such love in our hearts and wish the best for the one we love.”
Robert suddenly burst into laughter, making Alex stare at him. Doyle was damn amazed at that moment because he hadn’t ever seen his assistant acting like that: confident and giving him advice because it was clear that what Robert said wasn’t because they were simply having a conversation. „You are actually right,” Robert said eventually, making Doyle frown again and wonder if that one was reading his thoughts. Then, Alex asked:
„I’m right about what?”
„That I give you advice. I could afford to do this today because… I have the feeling that you need a friend, even if we haven’t ever been such close friends. Still, I’m a friend that doesn’t want to harm you or judge you, but who wants to see you happy. So, Mister Alex, if you want to be happy, do one of these two things: let her go and be happy with another man, or do everything to bring her back!”
„What about the freedom of choosing, Robert? What about what she wants? Doesn’t this matter too?”
„Of course, this matters too. Yet, sometimes, people aren’t sure of what they want. That’s why they need a small impulse to make certain choices.”
„Something that I feel you’ve done before. With another woman?”
Robert suddenly turned sad. „Yes,” he said after a few moments of silence. „I’ve done that and I’ve won, even if it has only been for a short time.”
„Why?”
„Because certain love stories don’t have a happy ending. Some people even have the love forbidden for them because… you can fight against people and take love from them, but you can’t ever fight against fate to steal a kiss from it.”
Alex suddenly frowned. „You see?” He said. „I’ve been eventually right: they also have the right to choose. Women, I mean. That’s why I want to give Kate the chance to make her own choice because… it’s the only way we’ll be both sure of our relationship and have no regrets about this.”
„Even if her choice is wrong?” Alex looked at Robert, confused. „I mean the other one.”
„What do you know about the other one?” Doyle asked, smiling. „As far as I know, Kate hasn’t ever mentioned him here or while you’ve been around.”
„Still, I know things about him, Mister Doyle. I know enough because even if this town seems big, it’s still small. Everybody knows each other here. Thus, I found out things about them. I found out that she’s not happy and that’s why she’s been with you all this time. She looked for happiness while she’s been with you, Mister Doyle. I think she’s been happy with you. That’s why, Mister Alex, if you want a love for two, don’t ever let her go. At least, don’t leave her with the other one.”
Saying such words, Robert put the cup down, which he had been cleaning while he talked to Alex, and silently moved away from the counter. After a few meters, Robert stopped and sadly looked at Alex when this one asked him, „What about your love, Robert? Why didn’t it have a happy end?”
„Because the fight against Death is useless, Mister Doyle. We can fight against life or people but never against Death. That’s why I told you not to give up, not while she didn’t refuse you or chase you away from her. At least, this is what I’d have done if I were you because she’s a woman who deserves others to fight for her.”
Robert’s words deeply entered Alex’s soul. He even felt strange itches on his skin while looking behind Robert, who was heading toward the back door, which he often used when he needed fresh air. Thus, looking behind the young man about twenty, Alex understood what suffering for love really meant and that Robert was eventually right: one could fight against people and himself, but he never can fight against Death or take back what It took from you.