Two weeks have passed since Murphy went to Syria, but Alex still couldn’t return to his previous life. He seemed absent all the time, thinking about something in particular and paying no attention to what happened around him but on the horizon, staying in front of the big window that faced East, as that day when he’d seen Kate for the first time. And, as it happened that first day, he had a cup of fresh coffee in his hand, as though its aroma would have made him feel better. Or, its pleasant taste would have been that homing pigeon that could have taken his thoughts to Syria and told Lucas not to be afraid because he wasn’t alone in this world and that he could trust his friends.
With such thoughts in his head, another afternoon sneaked at the window of Alex’s coffee shop. The man was still in front of the big window and looking at the street, at that great weather of early December that delighted his eyes with its white clothing of flakes. Even so, with all the white snow seen around, the sky was illuminated and warm, with those sun rays that were barely seen through the clouds, like those Heralds of Wealth and Peace, something that made one’s soul feel so good, thinking that tomorrow would be better than today.
Yet… that wealth and peace weren’t coming to Alexander Doyle’s soul. They weren’t coming because Alex felt that he lost a soul friend once Murphy left for Syria, even if they hadn’t ever been that close. Yet, they’d been thinking about the same thing in most of the cases, and this seemed to have been enough for both of them. At the same time, both of them suffered because of love and their eyes had seen the same silhouette of longing - the silhouette of the beautiful woman, something that filled the men’s hearts to the brim, making them slowly vibrate each time they thought about the muse of their soul.
Alex was thinking about her at that moment too. He was thinking about women in general and their beauty. At the same time, he thought that a woman’s thinking could be something deep and difficult to understand, just as she sometimes seemed someone who couldn’t be touched by others.
He didn’t think such things about Kate but about women in general. Why did he think about this? Because he understood how much suffering was in this world because of HER - because of a love for a pair of blue eyes or one that smelled like coffee, as he often felt at Kate. Yes, maybe he shouldn’t have thought about her so much because he understood that he didn’t have too many chances with her and that he would have eventually suffered just as Murphy suffered because of his muse. Yet, once his heart was stubborn, in love with the world and with the beauty of the woman, it wanted at any cost to beat only for her and only in the rhythm of her heart. It wanted to beat only in that rhythm set by two hands that touched each other on the sly one night, feeling the pleasant warmth of the other hand, something that wouldn’t have let them release it ever.
All these were simple memories though… memories about the first night when he touched the soft skin of her palm to protect her from the world. Yet, it had been enough to understand that it had been what he had waited for all his life. It had been enough for Alex to understand that from that moment he wouldn’t have loved anybody else, at least not as he got to love the stranger… in time…
„A beautiful Helen of Troy who mercilessly conquered the castle of my soul with only one smile,” Alex thought, smiling. Then, bowing his head and sighing, barely heard, he caught another thought crossing his mind, the thought about „Two black stiletto shoes, which were so pleasantly knocking on the autumn asphalt that night… and on the asphalt of my soul. About the pleasant melody of two heels that made me vibrate that night, like that piano or violin music that I always loved to listen to. Just as I fell for the light of her eyes, something I saw right from the start when I saw her heading toward me…”
She was also heading toward him at that moment. Yes, Kate was heading to the coffee shop at that moment too. He clearly saw her through that big window at which he looked again, smiling. And, like that first night, Kate was so beautiful… much more beautiful than he ever thought she could be: with her chestnut curls that fell over her shoulders and that black coat she was wearing at that moment, a thick coat meant to protect her from the cold winters of Westport that could cruelly bite the skin sometimes.
This time, Kate didn’t wear high-heeled shoes but boots. She wore high-heeled boots with a knee-length upper part, hiding under the large skirts of the white dress she was wearing under the black coat that was seen on her shoulders. A white dress that perfectly combined with the coat of the winter, on which her boots were confidently stepping, those boots that didn’t knock with their heels on the asphalt of the time but on the weather’s coat… a pure white… as only the winter’s coat could be… a winter of soul.
She was really coming that night, just as she had often come to his coffee shop lately. Actually, Kate had been there every single day in the last two weeks, spending the evenings along with Alex in front of the fireplace, sitting on that big armchair as she had sat the first day she’d been there, with a book on her lap, and with love shining in her glance… Yet, at this time, it was the love for life, the love for longing, and the love for the man who was sitting by her side, leaning on the back of his armchair with his eyes fixed on her. He did that while silently listening to her sweet voice reading the book she was always choosing… A beautiful voice that made the other clients also listen to her reading, as though they would have lived along with Alex that love for the beauty of the world.
When exactly these soul book sessions started, Alex wasn’t that sure. He only remembered that it happened after Lucas’s departure when he started to feel so lonely and so deserted. That evening, approaching Kate, to put a cup of fresh coffee next to her, she suddenly started to read fragments from „Pride and Prejudice,” the book she was reading that evening. Fragments that reached Alex’s soul, making him feel it as a kind of balm for the soul. All this made him forget about his duties in the coffee shop that night. And, sitting in the armchair that was to her right, which was free at that moment, Alex silently listened to the melody of her voice, which was reading about a pure love but still a proud one. A voice that read about longing and pain in the same flacon. A voice that read about two innocent souls that got to chase the love from them just because they couldn’t do violence to their conscience and be with the one they loved forever.
„Just as I fell for her,” Alex thought that night, eyes on her. „A beautiful Helen of Troy, a beautiful Helen in love with Paris, not knowing that another man, a shy and a silent soul, watches her from the shadows and is ready to put the world to her feet for a simple kiss. A kiss that I’m still waiting for because… this crazy heart doesn’t let me steal that kiss from her or grab her hand and, never letting her go, to keep her close to me for an entire life… like a saint relic that I’ve always missed.”
The man missed her so much at that moment too. Alex missed a beautiful love that was only theirs, not that love that he seemed to experience at that moment. Yes, Alex didn’t want to share his love for Kate with another man, with the other one who was still a „Worthy Rival” in his eyes.
Why exactly Alex continued to consider Jonathan a „Worthy Rival,” he had no idea. All he knew was that any man in this world deserved to be respected, no matter who he was. Alex also considered that the woman should be respected for her angelic nature, one built from harmony and beauty. The women were for Alex those pure creatures that should always stay by the men’s side… By the side of the man who would have loved her unconditionally and would have given the whole world just to make sure he’d be with her one day: holding her hand, whispering into her ear that he missed her and that he loved her, that she had to be only his… forever.
„Yet… the women are often of other men, especially of those that don’t deserve them. Even so, we can’t do anything to change this cruel reality. We can only run away from that painful truth and hide from the world, somewhere among bullets and pain, just as Lucas had done eventually when he lost his muse in the arms of another man.”
***
„Pride and Prejudice,” has always been for Kate a book about stupid ego and pain. A book in which she still often found herself because she was the opposite of Beth, the one who’d been ready to give up on love and feelings just to make sure that the one she loved wouldn’t consider her less than him, a love that still hurt her because she hoped to experience an equal and unconditional love. It’d been instead a love about hurt egos, longing for being someone who couldn’t be found in other people, a story about inner betrayal - of their own person. At the same time, it’s the story about those who couldn’t do violence to their conscience and stay by the side of the one they loved, even if this meant being less than the other one.
„Still, she’s like me in many cases, this Elisabeth,” thought Kate, staring at the flames that were madly dancing around the logs in the fireplace. „I also dream of that love that doesn’t hurt egos, of that love that accepts you as you are. Even so, I’ve always experienced the contrary, although it hasn’t been what I’ve wanted or looked for.”
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Eventually, remembering that she wasn’t alone in the coffee shop but with Alex, Kate closed the book and looked to her right, at the man who had stood there and silently listened to her reading. Looking at him, Kate saw Alex sleeping and not listening to her anymore. At least, he had his eyes closed at that moment, „So handsome and radiant,” Kate thought after this. Then… she saw herself smiling, although she didn’t know why she was doing this. Yet, her heart knew why her lips sketched that smile - it had undoubtedly been because of her melodious voice that calmed the man’s soul and made him feel so good around her. „And he’s really fine,” whispered Kate eventually. „It’s definitely okay now that his soul is calm and not agitated as it has been lately, although I haven’t ever understood the real reason for him having such feelings.”
Actually, Kate was lying to herself. She was lying to herself when she said that she didn’t know the reason for Alex’s sadness, and she did that because she didn’t want to accept the truth - that the man suffered because of love and for love. Alex suffered for Beauty at the same time and because he didn’t feel fulfilled. „Like that man about whom he had talked to me that evening,” Kate whispered again, making herself comfortable in her armchair and looking at the man’s sleeping face. „That man about whom you said that you hadn’t ever understood him. Still, he reminded you always about yourself,” she added, in her mind. Then, Kate sadly sighed… a sadness she wasn’t aware of, but which still existed in her heart.
There was the sadness to be blamed for everything that had happened lately: because Alex had lived in his own world and hadn’t been at all calm, for the cold weather, for those snowflakes that got to fall from the sky more often lately, and, undoubtedly, for those romantic nights they got to spend together. Evenings when the wildfire from the fireplace was dancing with the wind that got to their nostrils through the chimney. This often happened when they were alone in the coffee shop after Alex was closing it, with a glass of red wine in front and listening to the pleasant piano music.
Such nights made Kate dream so much. She was dreaming of happiness and about a heart that was all the time beating in the rhythm of piano music. She was always dreaming about that pleasant smell of fresh coffee that had a name already - the same name as the one whose eyes watched her at that moment - somehow with love, in admiration, and, undoubtedly, with his heart. Yes, with that heart that suddenly started to beat hard in her chest, making her feel again the unexpected longing.
„Still, it’s strange,” Kate thought eventually. „That I feel all this for you, Alex. That… I feel the longing in my soul and that I feel as though you are so far away from me, though I have you at the distance of a hand stretched in front. Or maybe… at the distance of a kiss?”
This thought made Kate wince. „At the distance of a kiss, Kate?” She suddenly scolded herself. „What the hell are you thinking about when you aren’t a free woman? Yes, you are still someone else’s woman, Kate. You are still His woman, even if He hurt you so much lately. That’s why, you don’t have the right to hurt another heart, not as long as you feel so hurt. If you do that, you’ll curse yourself forever for his unhappiness that will be only because of you.”
Yes, Kate scolded herself for such longing and dreams. She scolded herself for getting to think about a kiss with a stranger and not with Ward. Kate was doing this because she was a coward, who couldn’t leave the past behind her and that love for which she had fought for years, love that still made her so unhappy… at least it hadn’t ever made her as happy as she wanted to be.
Yet, she was happy at that moment. Kate was happy with only staying on that big armchair in front of the fireplace, where it was pleasantly smelling as burnt wood and dreams, as longing and ideal things hidden in the flames and ashes, in the eyes of a man that didn’t look at her at that moment, but where she had seen so many times before shining so vividly the love… the love of a sincere man for her. A longing of which she had been dreaming since she was little, but still a longing she started to fear so suddenly.
What exactly was Kate afraid of? Of happiness! Yes, she was afraid that she’d taste that happiness as if tasting a glass of red wine and that she’d like it so much. She’ll undoubtedly like that and she won’t be able anymore to give up on that glass of happiness, that glass that was so pleasantly smelling as fresh grapes and mint, a glass that could so suddenly spill on the floor, sentencing her to waiting again and loneliness. Not that Kate would have been so afraid of that loneliness, with whom she had been friends since long ago, but because she would have been alone after being with him, with Alex, the one she had seen as a good friend, lover, and, why not, as a good man to make her happy.
Shaking her head, Kate finally managed to chase such thoughts away because „It’s not fair,” she whispered eventually. „It’s not fair to think about him as being my savior, not as long as I’m not alone and I can’t save myself.”
Nevertheless, she’d been able to save him in the last two weeks. She saved him from sadness and loneliness because she’d seen so suddenly pain in his eyes after he’d read Lucas’s letter. Kate felt the pain in his chest - like a scared bird, that bird that was also a human’s heart, which had been dancing in the man’s chest for so long. It was something that Kate felt so well when she embraced him that evening in the street, allowing the naughty snowflakes to be the witnesses of that secret attachment between them and to that playful wind that was barely felt around to embrace them. Yes, they allowed the wind to listen to the secret of two hearts that started to beat rhythmically, even if they beat somehow on the sly.
„Something that shouldn’t have happened though,” Kate’s heart whispered eventually. „Nobody in this world should suffer because of love, not because of one that’s not mutual. Even so, we suffer because of it, clinging to the longing that has no future, to relationships that haven’t ever had a chance of success, at least not while being together. Why? Because we are cowards and can’t give up in front of our ego, the one that always tells us that if we accept defeat, we are losers, unhappy creatures on the path of longing, those creatures that always run away from love and truth.”
Eventually, Kate sighed again. Then, she stood up, carefully taking the warm blanket off the sofa, which was not that far from the fireplace. A blanket that she used to cover Alex to make sure he wouldn’t suffer because of the cold when the mad dance of the flames in the fireplace would be over and he wouldn’t be awakened yet.
Thus, staying so close to him, Kate could carefully watch him. She saw his long black eyelashes, despite the fact he had blond hair; she saw the smoothness of his skin, something that made Kate wish to kiss; just as she felt the aroma that came from him - that pure smell of fresh coffee and cinnamon, an aroma of wine and longing. At the same time, she felt that he was so pleasantly smelling like jasmine, a scent that wasn’t specific to the winter or those places. Yet, Kate felt all this, just as she heard his heartbeats. She clearly heard them in her ears. „Tuc-tuc, tuc-tuc” was secretly beating his heart, just as the Clock of Time was ticking in her chest.
Listening to this pleasant melody, Kate smiled. „So secret it is,” the voice of her mind whispered eventually. „As secret as the love is, Kate. A love that you can’t accept. Yet, you have to decide eventually if you embrace it or not and you’ll do that if you really want to be happy.”
With such thoughts that pleasantly rang in her ears and head, Kate moved away from the fireplace and approached the hanger. She took her coat and put it on her shoulders. Then, she left the coffee shop, making the minimum noise because she was afraid that she could awaken Alex and make him unhappy, as he had always been in the last few weeks.
„Just as I’ve been unhappy,” she said, once she was on the street already and felt the secret embracement of the weak wind and the cold. „I’ve really been. I’ve been sad, I must accept that. I have to, just as I have to do something to chase the sadness out of my heart and be me again and happy.”
Then… her footsteps confidently stepped on the white coat of winter. A soft coat that pleasantly caressed the material of her black boots, those high-heeled boots because Kate had always loved to wear high-heeled shoes. Especially, she loved the thin heels, something that gave her a certain safety and elegance. Heels that she loved so much because she had been in love with them since she was a little child, a love she borrowed from her mother, who also loved to wear high-heeled shoes. And, once Kate tried, at least involuntarily, to copy her mother, she also got to wear similar shoes and high-heels.
Kate hadn’t ever regretted having such a habit. She madly loved it instead. Why? Because it made her feel like a strong woman, one that was confident at the same time. Still, she’d been that woman who had hidden in the shadows after she met Ward and tried to make him happy, even if his words and actions had always hurt and demeaned her.
Nevertheless, Kate hadn’t ever complained about this. She also accepted that truth. She had to accept it, once she understood that, before moving on, she had to leave her past behind. How to do that, Kate didn’t know. Yet, she had to do that because she wanted so much to be happy. At the same time, she wanted those who surrounded her to be happy. In particular, Kate wanted Him to be happy, the one who took her out of her shell eventually and made her understand that love hurts only when you allow that.
With such thoughts in her head, thoughts that seemed to follow her slowly everywhere, Kate walked for a long time on those white streets. She wasn’t alone on the streets that night but with a lot of people. Yes, there were a lot of people who decided, as she did, to have a long walk at that late hour at night. Yet, Kate didn’t care about people, the wind, or longing. She only allowed the moment to take her into its arms, to listen to the pleasant melody of the snow that creaked under her soles. A melody with which she fell in love forever that night and which made her smile all the time even if a single name was touching her lips that night too… Alex.