That night, the thoughts had been with Kate for a long time. There were thoughts about her life, ideals, unfulfilled dreams, and loneliness in particular. Yes, all her thoughts had been about loneliness that had always been with Kate, holding her hand even when a man held it. Thus, loneliness hadn’t ever allowed Kate to feel the warmth of someone’s skin on her skin or the warmth of a soul that longed for another one. At the same time, those were thoughts about her cowardice and about the fact that she hadn’t ever allowed herself to be happy, not even when she’d been alone.
Kate knew very well the reason for that cowardice. She found it out when she was still very young and when only the classical music, the dance, and herself accompanied her. It’s when she asked herself for the first time the question, „Who am I, and why is there nobody with me?” Questions she found an answer from her mother when she told Kate’s father one evening, „She should better live this way: alone and on her own. Thus, she won’t do stupid things.”
When she heard these words, tears had bathed Kate’s eyes. Those were tears that were born in Kate’s soul not because of pain but because of release, because she thought her parents ignored her because they didn’t care about her. They really cared about her, even if they strangely did that. At the same time, they loved her as much as they could. Even so, none of them hadn’t ever managed to give Kate what she really wanted: a family, one next to which she could spend those cold nights or those stormy days, which she had been fearing for her entire life. Kate feared those stormy days because they reminded her of her powerlessness and loneliness.
Nevertheless, she didn’t have the family she wanted. At least, Kate didn’t have that family with whom she could talk for hours about trivial subjects just to make sure they’d have a reason to smile or talk about after that. At the same time, she didn’t have memories of a happy childhood. What kind of memories did she have? About a lonely childhood, which she spent between four walls - the walls of her room where an old gramophone played Bach or Beethoven’s music, Tchaikovsky or Liszt’s music.
Actually, Kate finally fell asleep that night listening to the same classical music. It’s been the only way she could cut the thread of her twisted thoughts that overwhelmed her so much. A music that slowly but surely filled her inside and made her dream eventually. Music that made her, even if it’s been for a short time only, forget about her problems and madness, hiding from herself in her own mind - in a perfect world where she could be the real Kate, the one that was free and happy like the birds from above the sea.
In that dream, Kate danced through the raindrops. She was free, breathing with all her chest the scent of that light and warm summer rain. Kate wasn’t in Dublin or Belfast, her hometown, in that dream but in Westport - at the docks, where she experienced the breakup with Alex, even if they hadn’t ever been together. There, with the seagulls dancing above the waves, Kate finally felt life’s joy and the fact that loneliness doesn’t always mean pain but simply a way of making peace with yourself.
Soon after this, she saw herself advancing barefoot through the fresh herbs that got up to her ankles. She wore a white dress in that dream, a dress with ornaments of the same color, which got up to her knees with two thin braces that made her naked shoulders seem so gentle. Her shoulders were really gentle at that moment, kissed by someone’s lips. Who exactly kissed her shoulders? Kate didn’t see. She only felt that that man was someone her soul knew, someone whom her soul had been longing for so long.
„He’s the man I’ve been in love with for so long, even if I haven’t ever realized that,” Kate told herself in that dream, closing her eyes for a few moments and sticking her forehead on the top of his head. And that almost blond hair, which touched her cheek, was so pleasantly smelling like sky and summer rain, happiness, and soul warmth… an aroma that Kate had often felt in her dreams and about which he’d been thinking for so long.
Honestly, Kate didn’t find such an aroma in the men whom she dated before Jonathan. She didn’t find it in Ward either, although she loved him so much. Even so, she hadn’t ever been pretending when she said that she loved him because she really loved him. If not, she wouldn’t have given him years of her life and wouldn’t have waited for him for so long to turn back to her, just as she wouldn’t have forgiven his repeated betrayals and long nights and evenings of loneliness.
Frankly speaking, Kate could forgive all this because she’d been happy. Did she feel all this because of Ward’s betrayal? Undoubtedly not. She did that because she was really happy in those evenings when she was alone and could dream about the man her heart had always longed for. „A blond man with blue eyes like the sky. A free soul, one so similar to the seagulls. And… yes, I wish I had been the water of the calm sea, above which the seagulls always fly toward the limitless horizon.”
This new thought of happiness made Kate smile again. She was sitting on a white rocking chair at that moment - a wooden chair that had been „forgotten” on an open field, surrounded by green grass from all over. All around that chair, immortality was also seen - one that had the form of the blades of fresh grass, which were so pleasantly dancing with the wind. Here and there, through the blades of grass and longing, blue or purple heads were seen - the heads of the shy flowers that were hidden there from the kind kiss of the sun. Even so, hidden there, they were eagerly waiting for the yellow sun to rise proudly in the sky and caress them with its golden rays, with that secret love that only a kind sun can keep in its soul - the love for everything that’s on earth.
Just as the flowers were enjoying the kiss of the sun, Kate was doing. She had her eyes closed at that moment and her head laying on the right shoulder of the man who stood by her. She didn’t see his face, not even this time. Even so, Kate knew who was with her. She felt it with her soul and in her heart that desperately yelled at her, „He’s love.” One love that wore a white shirt at that moment and jeans short pants that got up to his knees. He was also barefoot, just as Kate was, seeming that he also loved freedom, the kiss of the fresh grass and the flowers of longing… Those flowers that were hiding in the herbs’soul like all those dreams hidden among thoughts and ideals about people, about the world, about the past, or about what was coming.
Yet, all of sudden, Kate felt another pleasant aroma there, something that didn’t belong to those places - the coffee smell. Yes, it was impossible to feel the smell of coffee on an open field. All she should have felt there was the smell of rain, herbs, and flowers, just as she should feel the kiss of the sun from above and the glance of the blue sky that headed toward new horizons focused on her. Even so, Kate deeply felt that intense smell of fresh coffee and books. „A smell I’ve felt so many times before at him… even when I’ve been away from him and his coffee shop.”
Opening her eyes, Kate saw that she was alone there. She was sitting at the border of two parallel worlds - on the bed, in her hotel room, and on that white rocking chair. Where did her love vanish? She wasn’t sure. She only felt her heart strangely beating in her chest and, all of sudden, she started to fear and long for something more or for someone.
„Whom I’m longing for?” Kate suddenly wondered, covering her face and touching the bedding with her forehead. „Whom I miss so much? Who is my heart so stubbornly waiting for? Who? I can’t understand because… I don’t understand myself for so long, just as I stopped understanding others.”
Kate was right in thinking this. She felt betrayed so many times before: by the world and by herself that she started feeling weird and that she didn’t know where she was coming from or where she was heading at that moment. At the same time, it was nothing strange for her to have such dreams because, you see, her heart was longing for love. Her whole body dreamt of happiness in someone’s arms. She wanted to feel the aroma of that one whom she’d been waiting for so long. She wanted to feel his warmth when he’d hold her to his chest and she’d done the same. She wanted to stay for hours in his arms, eyes closed, in front of the fireplace and deeply breathing in the „Fresh scent of coffee.”
When she opened her eyes again, Kate smiled. She sadly smiled, her eyes bathed with tears. Two black eyes that seemed like two black grape berries, which were tightly held in the arms of the morning dew in which the sun mirrored its face. Yet, the sun had a face this time - of the man from her dreams, the one whose face she hadn’t ever seen, but whom she could see at that moment. She could see his face only with her soul while her eyes watched his back while he was moving away from her, advancing through the fresh grass that was bathed by tears - by the tears of the sky and by dewdrops and longing.
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Even so, Kate didn’t say his name loudly. She didn’t do that because she knew that it wasn’t fair to say loudly the name of her happiness. She could only smile and wish him happiness. She could only dream of him because she didn’t know how to bring him back to her. Kate didn’t know how to catch up with him and spend an entire life with him in a world projected by those shy dreams she’d been having all those years.
***
The glass with red wine, forgotten on the small table in front of the fireplace, perfectly reflected the dance of the flames. A glass that was only half-filled, which had the same color as the wooden around which the flames danced in the fireplace - beech logs that filled the cottage Doyle with an alive aroma. At the window, the raindrops were heard dancing on the glass, although it was winter and it should have been snowing. Along with the rain, the wind was acting up at that moment, a cunning wind that masked its voice to seem the one of the Northern wind, although it was pretty clear that they had no common feature. It was a winter game instead, which made Alex smile eventually.
Then, the man sighed. He closed his eyes and leaned on the back of the armchair with a wooden back, on which a soft pillow was also stuck. At his feet, a woolen blanket was seen, a blanket that had been manually woven by his mother and which Alex loved to have with him each time the Northern wind was heard acting up by the window. Yet, that evening, he seemed to have completely forgotten about the blanket because, the moment the blanket fell off his knees and took with it the book he had on his lap at that moment, Alex didn’t feel it.
He returned to the cottage about three hours ago, after Erin had insisted on him to do that because at least one of them should have gone home and had some rest. Alex would have liked Erin to go home and have some time only for her. Yet, she was stubborn and Alex couldn’t convince her to leave the hospital for a few hours. That’s why he decided not to upset her anymore and he eventually left the hospital. He didn’t go to his small apartment above the coffee shop „Aisling” though but returned to the cottage.
Why exactly did Alex return to the cottage that night? Because of the longing in his chest, a longing that spurred him to spend the evening there. Alex didn’t know the reason for that longing. Still, he listened to it eventually. Thus, returning to the cottage, he ignited the fire in the fireplace, poured some wine in his glass, took a book from one of the bookshelves, and sat on the old wooden armchair that had been in the cottage for years. Actually, Alex was sitting on that armchair for years, each time the Doyles decided to spend their holidays in the cottage from the mountains. There, Alex found his happiness and peace, not dreaming of something but just being among the book’s pages. Yet, that night, he couldn’t do the same. That night, he only allowed the longing in his soul and sadness to take over him, something that made him feel so lonely and forgotten by the world, something he loved so much in the past but still something he was so afraid of at that moment.
Yes, Alex was so afraid of loneliness at that moment. He was afraid of it because all this reminded him of her. All this reminded him of Kate, just as it reminded him of the kiss at the docks that he couldn’t forget, a kiss that pleasantly burnt his heart that evening - one that he would have liked to continue after that. Yet, all this remained only a dream, plans for the future, or simple wishes.
How not to feel all this when he knew very well that Kate returned to Ward and that they had wedding plans? He found out this by pure chance from a mutual acquaintance he had with Jonathan. Such news confused him so much, even if he’d suspected this from that day when he met her at the docks and Kate told him such weird words, letting him understand that she couldn’t give up on that relationship she’d been building for years. Yet, even if he suspected this, it didn’t mean it didn’t hurt him to know her in someone else’s arms. All this hurt like hell. Even so, even if he hated the thought of not having her with him, Alex was still a coward and didn’t do anything to bring her back to him.
Did he regret all that? Alex wasn’t sure! Actually, he was because… on one hand, he regretted that Kate had chosen that Worthy Rival and not him. On the other side though, he was calm because, all that time he’d spent with Kate, he started to dream of her, even if he knew that Kate wasn’t his. Yes, he could have made her his, could have taken her from the other one, and could have made her happy. Yet, „What about a man’s dignity?” He kept wondering after this. „What about the quote that „Don’t harm someone if you don’t want to be harmed?” And yes, Alex couldn’t take someone’s woman just because he suffered the same in the past when another man had stolen from him the woman he cared about more than his life.
The regret though, the one that sneaked into his soul eventually, bothered him so much. It was a regret about his happiness and selfishness. At the same time, those were thoughts about longing, a lonely life, and agony. He couldn’t not think about this when he knew himself so well. Yes, he really knew who he was and realized very well that once he let Kate go, after he’d fallen for her like a teenager, he couldn’t be happy anymore. The reason? His stubborn heart that could love only one woman for his entire life. Yes, Alex intended to love Kate for his entire life because he was like that. He would have loved her forever because they didn’t tie their lives and souls, fully lived their love, and suffered delusions because of each other - something that could have hurt them. If this had happened, it would have undoubtedly been easier for him to forget her. He would have undoubtedly found another muse eventually. Yet, Kate didn’t hurt him and he also didn’t do that. At least, they didn’t hurt each other because of betrayal or bad words. They had just given up on each other, hoping to make the other one happy even if they left each other so alone…
Yet, soon after this, those thoughts of hidden „sincerity” made Alex regret. They made him so miserable because he understood that he harmed himself eventually - he did that when he tried to avoid hurting another man, but injured himself so badly. He tried to make her happy, even if it was with the one she’d chosen and even if he was unhappy. It’s better to say that he was hurt - by his sincerity and by his dignity, something that had always been the cause for his difficult moments and failures before and something that hadn’t ever given him the chance to be himself and free. Why exactly? Because he’d lost in front of love so many times before. He lost happiness when it knocked on his door. Why? Because he’d been stupid and had always fallen in love with a woman who couldn’t make him happy.
Probably because of this, Alex hadn’t ever fought for something or someone before. He did that because he knew that the other women, in whose eyes he’d seen the beauty of the world, weren’t what his heart sought. He didn’t fight even when he felt that it would have been better if he’d done that. Then, he got used to the thought of loneliness and loving someone only from far away. Probably because of this, it’s been so easy for him to let Kate go, even if he knew that it was different that time and that she wasn’t just another woman whom his heart loved, but someone with whom he’d been in love with, for his entire life.
Yet, it wasn’t enough. Yes, his love wasn’t enough to make Alex fight for what he loved. He was too used to love from the shadows to come out eventually. He was too used to others fighting for him to do the same for someone else. Was he a coward? Undoubtedly no. Alex was just… afraid of happiness and sadness at the same time. He was afraid to suffer again because of a new abandonment and delusion. That’s why the man preferred to let her go while he still could do that. If he had waited for more and if she had left after that, Alex was sure that he wouldn’t have been able to stand up again… Like a wingless bird that wishes to rise to the sun again, even if she has forbidden to think about freedom.
Such thought filled his eyes with tears and his chest with longing. It put sadness in his arms again, even if he was lonely. Alex was so lonely at that moment, he also knew that very well. He also knew that he couldn’t do anything to get rid of it, at least not at that moment. Why? Because… he was a coward and didn’t know how to fight against the whole world for his divine right to be happy.
Eventually, holding the pillow to his chest, Alex fell asleep in that old armchair. His eyelashes were wet because of the tears that were stubborn to wash the retina even when he was asleep. Yet, those were still beautiful tears, something that made him look so handsome, somehow bathed by a secret light - the one of forgotten happiness, of dreams that he left behind a long time ago, dreams that he still kept inside because his love was stubborn and wanted to follow him everywhere. Yes, love was still there, even if Alex seemed to have forgotten about it. He seemed to be alone, but he wasn’t. No, Alex wasn’t alone at that moment when he felt the presence of love from everywhere, a feeling he’d been feeling with him for his entire life.
In his sleep, Alex dreamt of happiness again. It held his hand while they walked side by side on an open field. They were both barefoot, with the green grass secretly kissing their soles and making them smile all the time. On their shoulders, they wore white clothes: he - a white shirt with long sleeves, which he had rolled up to his elbows, while she wore a white knee-deep dress. In her hair… she had a violet flower - a flower that belonged to dreams, a flower of longing. A flower that his blue eyes clearly saw at that moment, eyes that were secretly smiling because that flower had something similar to his glance and her perfume - that secret perfume that made his chest yell at that moment, „Smile, Alex because this is a dream that it’s meant to happen one day.”