Approaching the window, in front of which Kate was sitting for a while already, and looking in the distance, Erin saw her sad. Yes, there was undoubtedly sadness seen in the glance of the woman next to her. Yet, even if she suspected what could have been the reason for that weird shine seen in Kate’s eyes, Erin didn’t dare to ask her loudly about the reason for her heart’s bleeding. Why? Because Erin Doyle felt the same at that moment, although she couldn’t totally explain why she felt that.
Actually, Erin thought that she had forgotten, and since long ago, what pain meant. She thought she had forgotten that past that had made her sad and solitary in many cases. At the same time, she seemed to have forgotten the betrayal of her former lovers, her betrayal in front of other people and in front of herself, just as she seemed to have forgotten that she had been betrayed so many times before by her business partners, whom she had blindly believed in, but whose hand hadn’t shaken when they stabbed her back. Just as she seemed to have forgotten that friends betrayed her before, whom she had found out that had two faces, and that many had been with her because she belonged to a wealthy family, considering her the best solution to get rid of their problems if counting on her.
It only seemed to be like that but it wasn’t because Erin hadn’t ever forgotten anything. She only thought so. Yet, she remembered each word, each painful touch in her soul or on her skin, just as she remembered people’s faces - of those who had made her suffer in the past and whom she hated. Or maybe not? Erin wasn’t that sure, just as she wasn’t sure of anything lately. All she knew was that her heart was madly yelling at her, „Fall in love, Erin! Be happy too, Erin Doyle, even if not in the arms of the one that might have stolen your heart.”
When she remembered this wish, Erin smiled. She slowly bent her head and closed her eyes for a few seconds. Then, looking at the red liquid from her glass, she compared it to her bleeding heart, one that still wanted so badly to love. „Stubbornly, by the way,” Erin thought. „Just as her heart seemed to be hungry for feelings. Yet, both stubborn and hurt, our hearts prefer only to beat, waiting for something. Or maybe for someone? Honestly, I have no idea, just as I have no idea if I can love someone else anymore.”
Suddenly catching Kate’s glance focused on her, Erin turned and looked at her for a while, after she winced at first. Then, she forced a smile and gave Kate the glass of wine, which she brought there for her, thinking that maybe Kate would have also liked to sip from that sweet-bitter liquid while staying in front of the window and watching the lit street lamps, with the night dancing around them. Outside, the cold wind started to blow too, making the branches of the tall tree, which was growing right in front of the window, move both slowly and fast, as though fighting with its inner demons. The tree was simply imitating the two women who also seemed to fight with their inner demons, women the tree looked at for a long time, silently, as though the three of them were so afraid of cutting the thread of magic that bonded them. Yes, they were afraid to move away from each other, especially Kate and Erin, who even if they weren’t either friends or enemies, still didn’t want that.
They’d been rivals though. For seconds only, but they’d been rivals. Yet, it had been enough for them to compare each other, and find defects and virtues in the other one because the woman’s heart is just like that - if it sees a rival in front of her, it reads her backwards and forwards just to make sure it won’t give up in front of the other one or let the other one know that it feels worse than its rival. The woman’s heart does this in just seconds. Yet, this is enough for them to understand if there is a danger for them or if they should fight. Then, when they understand what the deal with the rival is, they straighten their backs, and proudly look in front, like those ancient queens who hadn’t ever been afraid of anything… Queens that are capable of standing up and making things work because a woman’s heart is capable of miracles and making things possible.
„Just as love doesn’t stay away from us nowadays,” whispered Erin eventually, looking at the waving of the branches.
Kate smiled, touching the glass of wine with both hands. Then, looking at the clumsiness of her fingers, she asked, „What makes you think this, Erin? A hidden story that’s known only by you?”
„Honestly, yes. And there are so many, in fact.”
„Why exactly? I mean… why do you prefer to keep them hidden, once they are stories you’ve cared about?”
„Because I’ve been afraid of love,” replied Erin after a few moments of silence. „Just as I’ve been afraid to betray myself, be betrayed by the world, and betray others. I’ve been afraid not to be capable of moving on once another story is over. At least, I thought it’d be easier this way for me: to stand up and move on if nobody knows through what my heart is going on at that moment.”
„Like a soldier who has fallen on the battlefield, but who is still stubbornly clinging to life. Yes, he does that, although his life is hanging on a very thin thread.”
„Something like that. And… I don’t know why, but I feel that it’s a story that has also happened to you. Or… isn’t anything like that?”
„Actually, it is,” replied Kate, not thinking too much about this. „There’s a story I’ve cared about too much. I loved that story with all my heart, I put in so much to make it work and make this relationship flow, I involved myself totally in this, just to understand that none of what I did was good. Or… it was not worth it right from the beginning and I just lied to myself that it was a story with a happy ending? I have no idea, honestly!”
After such words, the silence took over the two women for a long time. Only the wax candles, which were lit all over that apartment, were silently talking: about past love stories, those that still lived in those two women’s hearts. They were also talking about a love that might have come, a love born in their souls and fed by smiles and the fugitive touches of their hands that dreamt of such a love story for an entire life. The two glasses of red wine, which Kate and Erin still held in their hands, talked too - about nostalgia, love, sadness, and fulfillment. Eventually, they were two in-love souls that had been, so many times before, trampled by those they had loved so much.
Eventually, when she felt that that silence overwhelmed her more, Kate looked at Erin and asked, „Have you ever been happy?”
Erin winced. „Happy? With whom?” She asked, seeming that she didn’t understand the meaning of Kate’s question.
„With the one you loved with all your heart. I was wondering if you had at least been so in love to lose your head and see nothing else than him and your love, forgetting yourself and the dreams you might have had once.”
„Honestly, yes,” replied Erin, after a short time of thinking about her answer. „I loved someone. A lot, to be sincere. I’ve also been happy, I can’t deny that. Even so, it’s over. Suddenly and unexpectedly, even if I wanted it to continue forever. It hadn’t been as I wished though. I also regretted that. Yet, as my father says sometimes, „If life also gives you a glass of bitter wine, take it, drink it, and move further proudly because it’s the only way you assure yourself a great future with something or someone better that waits for you.” I believe that, you know?! I believe that my happiness is there, somewhere, waiting for me. I’m sure we’ll find it one day. Yet, I also think we have to wait a little longer to hold its hands and be really happy.”
„What if happiness doesn’t belong to us anymore? What if we lost the train of love while running behind another one that seemed better?”
„Are you talking about Jonathan now? Forgive my daring. I just… found out things about you meanwhile.”
„The reason?” Kate innocently asked.
„I liked you,” Erin replied, without thinking too much about Kate’s question. „I really liked you and I still like you because you seem to be a soul so similar to mine. You also seem to be someone who knows what love means… just as Alex can love someone. Yet, he still didn’t have the chance to meet that unique love he had always dreamt about.”
Kate smiled this time… innocently, clumsily, and shyly. „Honestly, I’ve also dreamt of that. At least, I’ve been dreaming about this lately. I dreamt of love, hidden in a cold hotel room. Yes, I dreamt of love in his arms, in those strong arms that had often held me to his chest when he wanted that. I think it hadn’t ever been just because I wanted that. It hurts, you know?! It hurts like hell, but I understood that too late when I stopped feeling happiness knocking on my door.”
„It’s just an illusion.”
„What exactly?” Kate asked, staring at Erin’s lips, who sipped from her wine.
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„Happiness! This is an illusion eventually. Just as I think that betrayal is also an illusion. Just think about this: we suffer when something we really want doesn’t happen eventually. We suffer because we’ve had too many expectations about something or somebody but so few about us.”
„Are you talking about dreams right now? Those we betrayed while chasing new ones?”
„That’s right! I was talking about dreams… those dreams that we’ve buried in our souls so many times because we’ve been afraid to allow them to surface and knock us down. We actually… fear happiness, ourselves, and everything that surrounds us. We fear all that because we know that we won’t be able to find the way back to happiness in case we have lost ourselves somewhere. Yet… do we really lose ourselves if we just chase our dreams and not the dreams of other people?”
„What are you talking about this time? Honestly, I can’t follow your thoughts. Not now.”
„Honestly, neither have I. Since long ago I don’t know what exactly I think about or want. I know only one thing: that I want to be happy and I’ll have it. Yes, I’ll make it one day.”
„And… is this your only dream now, Erin?”
„No,” replied Erin, smiling. „It’s not my only dream, but this is the most important now: my happiness and, not the least, Alex’s happiness. He has always been and will always be the most important person in my life.”
„What about you? What about what you want? What about the time you wasted while you chased someone else’s happiness, the time you could have wasted to find your own happiness? Isn’t that time also important?”
„It is, Kate. That time is also important. I just… think that I’ll be selfish if I think only about myself. I’ll regret that.”
„Is this because others will be unhappy?”
„No. It’s because I’ll know that I haven’t done everything for those I love. Eventually, I’m a woman. Yes, I’m a woman, one that’s formed from longing, love, care, and desire to see others happy, a woman that wishes to be happy too, to be held in someone’s arms, whose hand to be also held and kissed when we go somewhere, no matter if I’m a strong woman or not.”
Kate smiled again. „Eventually, we are all women. All of us want the same, I think.”
„What about dreams?”
„We leave them behind. We let them wait until the right time comes, and they do the same: wait.”
„Dreams about what in particular? A happy family or maybe a relationship you’d like to have worked?”
Kate shook her head. „No, dreams about me,” she suddenly said. „Dreams about what I’ve always wanted to do. Like… writing a book, for example. I’ve always wanted to write a soul book, one about that love I’ve always dreamt of. I want to write a book about a life I haven’t ever had, but which I’d like others to have, even if they are simple characters or normal people.”
„It’ll be a lie then. If that happiness is only in the book, don’t you think so?”
„A lie? About what?”
„About your heart, Kate. Yes, I think that it’ll be a lie if you write that book about happiness, something you’ve only wanted to experience, but you haven’t ever had. At the same time, I think that that book won’t be successful. At least it won’t be successful if you aren’t able to live the same happiness you want to write about.”
„I’ll be overwhelmed by illusions then. I’ll forget who I am maybe. Yet, if I find my happiness, who knows - maybe my dream won’t be just a dream eventually, and something better can happen to me.”
„I have a different opinion. Do you know why?” Kate shook her head. „Because your heart longs for all you’ve said before, Kate. Your soul doesn’t dream only to fulfill your dreams but also for you to be happy. That’s why, before thinking about others and dreams, think of yourself and of those or that one whom you want with you.”
Erin kept silent the moment the door opened and Alex and Mark entered the apartment. They silently looked at each other, for a long time, as though only their eyes and heart talked to each other. Maybe those eyes were really talking - those black eyes that were lost in the universe of a pair of blue eyes while Erin was looking at two red lips because of the cold wind that was acting up in the street… lips that she felt that she was ready to kiss, even for an entire life if possible…
***
Looking at Erin’s sleeping face, Mark smiled. „She’s so beautiful,” he thought. Then, somehow unable to control himself anymore, he touched the top of her nose with his finger, which he slowly moved down until he touched her lips.
Flynn’s delicate touch made Erin wince. Opening her eyes, she looked at him, confused. Mark instead looked straight into her eyes, smiling with his eyes because he was really happy to be only with her in the back seat of her car. Yes, she was only his, after he had asked the driver, who brought them there, to leave the car in the parking lot and leave. Then, after Flynn paid him, the driver left them alone, saying nothing, and this happened because Mark was afraid that the noise of their voices would awaken Erin and break the magic.
Yet, he’d been afraid in vain because Erin had slept a lot that night. They had probably been in the parking lot for about two hours after the driver left. Time that Mark hadn’t regretted wasting there because he had dreamt of that for so long. Yes, he had been dreaming of her for years, without having at least the hope that Erin would see him one day. Because of this, Mark even thought at one point that she was deliberately ignoring him, even if he also didn’t know why she was doing this. Nevertheless, he hadn’t ever been upset with her because he loved her so much, and knew that as long as his love for her was alive, they still had a chance to be together one day.
„A chance that’s now so real,” murmured Flynn, still looking into Erin’s eyes.
She, without looking elsewhere or seeming scared to hear such words from Flynn’s mouth, looked at him, silently waiting for what would come. Seconds passed after this, then minutes in a row, but Mark didn’t do anything else: he only looked at her, with love, and this was clearly seen in his eyes while she looked at his lips, those she thought about for an entire night since the talk she had had with Kate in front of the big window when Alex and he returned from the supermarket.
„Like a stupid,” she whispered after this. „I lost myself completely, even if I tried so hard for this not to happen.”
„What exactly?” Mark suddenly asked, confused because of her words.
„Nothing,” Erin rushed to say. Then, moving a little, she straightened her back. She did that, feeling a little numb after she slept with her head on Flynn’s right shoulder. Then, stretching her body, she felt that she hadn’t moved at all while she had slept in the car. Even a strange thrill ran through her body at one point. This happened not because of the numbness but because she unwillingly touched Flynn’s right hand, which he supported on the seat to keep his balance.
Not only did Erin feel that thrill. The same happened to Mark, who winced eventually. Even his Adam’s apple moved up and down somehow uncontrolled. Nevertheless, feeling all this, Mark didn’t totally understand why he felt it. There were two reasons for that strange feeling: that unexpected touch, which he still dreamt of it to happen, or having Erin so close and wanting more than that with her. Yes, Mark seemed not to know the answer while Erin did. She knew that answer, but she was so stubborn and didn’t want to accept it, as she had been doing for months if not years when she denied her feelings for Flynn. Erin was afraid to accept her feelings because she was aware that Mark was younger than her and he was also her brother’s best friend. If she had accepted his love, she was sure that it wouldn’t have been fair. At least Erin thought about all this for so long. At that moment though, having him so close to her, at the distance of a kiss from her, she started regretting having avoided telling him what she felt for him. At the same time, Erin regretted the intimacy between them, and she did that, feeling that she was betraying Alex.
Remembering her brother and that she had sworn not to be involved with his friends ever, Erin tried to leave the car. Yet, the door closed back right after she pulled the doorknob to open it. Then, grabbed by Flynn into his arms and held to his chest, Erin fell prey to the moment, watching him in silence.
Mark didn’t do the same. He didn’t watch her because he had done that for so long, doing nothing else than that. What he did instead was to steal the kiss from her… that kiss that they had been expecting for years, the kiss about which Erin talked to him that day when she told him that if he waited for longer without telling the girl he liked about his feelings, he might have lost her. And yes, Mark didn’t want to lose her. Flynn didn’t even want to wait for more. He knew that he had waited enough and had been a coward for so long while waiting for Erin to decide to give them a chance. Something Erin hadn’t ever done. That’s why he decided to take the first step toward her, even taking the risk of being rejected.
That day Erin hadn’t rejected him. On the contrary, she completely stuck her chest to his, closing her eyes and wrapping her arms around his neck, wishing for more than this. She wanted everything in one single night. She wanted to know what exactly Flynn was hiding in that beautiful bag of muscles as she used to joke each time she saw Mark training at the gym. And yes: Mark Flynn looked damn good. That’s why she wanted to be his that night and maybe for more, allowing at least this to herself if life hadn’t allowed them to be together for an entire life.
Mark seemed to want the same. He wanted to be with her at least that night. Yet, he suddenly stopped: too suddenly as Erin thought after this. He stopped the kiss, which filled both of them to the brim and made them vibrate, right when they wanted more and more. Then, looking at her with love, Mark whispered, „I think we are rushing, Erin! I think that’s not fair.”
„The reason?”
„I just… feel that we are rushing!”
„Instead, I think that it’s the right moment, Flynn. We have wanted this for so long and we finally have the chance to be together. So… what about entering for a coffee?”
Mark nodded. „At least not tonight, Erin. I don’t want to rush. I don’t want to ruin everything as I’ve done so many times before.”
„Are you doing this because of me?”
„Yes,” Mark suddenly answered, making her wince. „I love you too much to ruin the things between us, Erin. I’ve waited for this for so long to lose everything after this kiss.”
After this, Flynn held her to his chest again. He tightly held her, hiding his face in her blonde hair, styled in a short bob, deeply breathing in its aroma. A scent that reminded him of wildflowers and chrysanthemums. She also smelled like jasmine and flowers of longing. „Flowers that will be my adoration for an entire life because I intend to love you for so long,” he told her eventually, both holding each other in their arms and being so happy that they had finally been able to defeat their inner demons, those that kept them so far away from each other all that time, as though they were forbidden to love or to be together.