To anyone watching, DH was acting normally. Their quiet and hyper-focus on their work was the same as always, and their excited chatter with Vik seemed absolutely standard. Nobody watching would say that there was anything bothering DH at the moment. Still, TO could tell. They couldn’t put their finger on how exactly, but they knew DH was acting differently. The silences were different in some way: heavier and pensive. Their focus on their work and on Vik seemed, at least to TO, to be less about what they were doing and more about what they weren’t doing: that is, they weren’t talking to TO.
DH didn’t hate them. TO had to tell themself that over and over and over. DH didn’t hate them. DH would never hate them, they promised! Still, who was to say that feelings couldn’t change? Even if DH would never hate them, couldn’t they stop loving them as a mate? And what if DH told GiDi and Avery what they had done?
Well, what if Avery grew to hate them?
They had been so worried about DH’s feelings towards them that it never occurred to them that Avery or GiDi might change how they felt. Maybe GiDi already hated them after what happened. They deserved it, of course, but what would happen if Avery hated them too once they woke and learned everything that happened? The file Snout gave them about Chilacian families did mention in an offhand kind of way about pod dissolutions and exiles, but the information was vague. All TO knew was that it was often a last resort when a member of a pod was harmful enough to the others that the physical and emotional safety of the pod could only survive by cutting off the individual responsible. But, TO wasn’t that bad, right?
Was that something that could weigh, or something that the Ankyra would just know? Could TO themself weigh how they might have helped their family against how they had hurt them? They had helped the insurgency, sure, but in the end, had they been any more useful than any other person? And when they considered the situation from a more personal point of view, they could only see how they had helped DH at this point.
They allowed GiDi to be taken away back in training.
They allowed Avery to be assigned with Kei, which started the whole mess that ended up with Avery unconscious and bound to a bed.
They brought Avery in with them to find DH, which led to Avery being locked away all alone while TO was lucky enough to be locked away with DH.
Would their pod, their family as a whole, be better without them?
They considered all this as they nibbled on tasteless nutrition cubes for breakfast. Would their family be better off without them? They didn’t know at this point. Still, TO wasn’t exiled yet, and there was always the chance they could make themselves useful, make their presence a net positive to their family. But, how? Their plans as of late had all gone bad, and they couldn’t even do physical labor thanks to their injured knee.
What could they do? How could they be useful to their pod, or at the very least, how did they undo some of the damage they seemed to have done?
TO was still gnawing on the last cube, which DH insisted that they try to eat when DH got up from their desk to go look at a minor technical issue up in the engine room. Well, DH said they had to go up to the engine room, but TO was certain that their mate simply didn’t want to be around them. If they did want to be around them, then couldn’t DH have asked someone else to go and take care of the issue? Their mind raced to think of something they could say to DH, some way they could get confirmation one way or another on how DH really felt, but they the elevator door closed before they could, leaving TO alone in the living area with Vik. This, of course, meant they were practically all alone, since Vik had tiny headphones over their ears, their attention consumed by their work.
Well, no matter. They had some thinking to do, some problem-solving to perform. They separated all the issues that came up in their mind, all the ways they had failed their family, and placed them into two categories: what they could fix, and what they couldn’t. What they could fix, they had to consider what they could fix while injured, and what they could fix now. Some things were impossible at the moment thanks to their location, TO’s physical state, and, of course, the fact that Avery was unconscious.
They finally decided that the main thing they could try to fix was GiDi’s opinion of them.
It was as they decided this that the elevator opened again on their floor. They looked over, hoping that DH was back, but were surprised to see Pearla slid out from the elevator. She looked around, her eyes landing first on TO, then to DH’s empty seat, then to Vik. she came up behind Vik and gave the table which he sat on a few taps. It was more the vibrations that the noise that must have gotten his attention because even TO could hardly hear the sound of her delicate fingers against the table, but Vik slid the headphones off his large ears and looked up.
“Oh! Pearla! What brings you-“
“Could you scoot for a bit?” She asked, a smile crossing her face, “I want to talk to TO.”
TO didn’t hear how Vik responded. They were far too overwhelmed with relief. Pearla had been such a help when everything was falling apart back on Arkane! They helped with GiDi and Tham, and helped them in dealing with the other civilians! They had no doubt that she’d help now too!
Vik scurried away, carrying a tiny tablet in his hands as he disappeared up a vent. When Pearla then turned to face TO, any hope that they might have held in her helping them disintegrated instantly. Pearla’s face held that cold, angry mask she held when she was talking to her brother in front of the others back in Arkane, the one she wore before she yelled at him for his part in setting up the fail-safes.
“Have you… any conception of how hard GiDi tries to be just like you?” Her cold voice shot from her mouth like bullets. “Do you have any idea of how hard they try?” She came closer, gesturing with her hands as she spoke, “Ever since I met them, even before I knew what they were, they were always talking about their ‘sibling’, Tio. They were talking about how Tio is so smart, and clever, and how they can fly so well, and how they always come up with the good ideas to fix the problems. Every time something went wrong, they would say that ‘Tio’ would know what to do, that ‘Tio’ wouldn’t have let things get so bad.”
TO looked away, their wings clenching against their arms. They wanted to protest, to say that normally their plans worked, but they just didn’t this time. They wanted to say they did their best. Both of those phrases sounded so flimsy in the face of death and pain.
“On bad days, they go on and about they’ll never be like you!” Pearla snapped. “How they’ll never be smart enough, or strong enough. They’ll never fly like you, never come up with the stupid-clever solutions!” She glared at TO, “And then, yesterday, guess what! GiDi came up with the stupid-clever solution. They saved all of our lives and got us away from Kei. For moments, they were so proud of themselves. Everyone was proud of them. It should have been a time for celebrating!”
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“I.. I’m sorry.” TO finally said, “I know it doesn’t make up for-“
“Do you even know why you’re apologizing?” She asks, “Do you even really know what you did wrong??”
“I do.” TO said softly, “It’s my fault that Mark is dead. It’s my fault that Constance doesn’t have her parents right now. It’s my fault that Kei caught up to us, and it’s my fault-“
TO’s ears flicked, the anxious writhing in their stomach and the panicked fluttering of their heart suddenly overcome by confusion as Pearla laughed. It wasn’t her normal happy laugh, though; it was somehow different; colder and manic. “Stars and suns.” She said once she could speak again, “They shouldn’t worry about never being as smart as you, because clearly you’re a dumbass half the time!” She glared at TO, “Those things aren’t your fault. You did your best-“
“I don’t think I did-“
“Shut up.” She snapped as her tail flicked to the side and easily dented one of the nearby shelves, making TO fall into a terrified silence. That tail could hurt them, badly. Maybe they deserved it. Could they fight back? Should they fight back? Would they deserve it?
No, Pearla would never hurt them.
Still, she could. She could hurt them easily right now with TO injured, immobile, and unarmed.
Pearla looked over them and saw their ears flicked back low and shaking, their wings tightening around their arms, their eyes growing wide while their pupils dilated. She held a steady glare with them for a moment more, then sighed and looked away as she curled her tail up on itself.
“Maybe it’s not about you and what you did.” She said. “It’s not always about you. Maybe this time it’s about GiDi.”
“But… GiDi was better than me this time.” TO said as they looked away, their eyes still flicking to her tail, “They came up with the idea when I couldn’t, and it worked. I was useless.”
Pearla cursed in a language that TO didn’t recognize. “Then why didn’t you tell them that?!” she snapped. “Why didn’t you tell them that when it happened?! Why didn’t you look at them and say something like, ‘Oh, good job GiDi! You saved us all!’ Rather than shouting at them because you were scared! We were all scared! GiDi was scared, but their idea worked, and we didn’t have any other ideas!” She came closer, her eyes wide as she stared TO down, her gaze piercing right though TO. “Why didn’t you tell them they did a good job!” she huffed and looked away. “They were so proud that their idea worked. They were allowed to be happy and proud for all of ten seconds, and then you shouted at them. Do you have any idea how much that hurt them?”
TO looked away, their eyes downcast, “They should be proud… they did what I couldn’t.”
Pearla sighed and came closer. She lowered herself down, so that she was at eye level to TO. “Listen to me carefully.” She hissed. “Because I know you’re an idiot half the time. Seriously: roll a nice with you. If it’s even you’re absolutely brilliant. If it’s odd, you’re a dumbass. So listen to me carefully”
“I am listening-“
“You’re hearing, but you’re not understanding.” She says, “You’re so focused on making this about you, on this being your problem. You didn’t do well enough. You didn’t come up with a plan.” She glared at them. “GiDi has been brilliant since they got here. They’ve solved many problems without you guidance, up to and including getting you and DH away from King Decon. They don’t need you to fix everything. They can do it on their own!”
They looked away, “I know that, they don’t need-“
“What they can’t do on their own is to be proud of themselves!” She snapped. “They can’t pretend to be you and say, ‘Good job, I’m proud of you, thank you for saving our asses.’ They can’t convince themself that they’re just as good as you are!”
TO’s eyes widened, their ears flicking down, “But… but they are!” They insisted. “They came up with the plan, and-“
“Don’t tell me!” She snapped again. “Tell GiDi! Since they came to Arkane, they’ve been beating themself up over how they’re not good enough, how they’ll never be as good as you. Shit, they even keep talking about how they couldn’t pass that damned test you all had to take because they weren’t smart enough to realize it was just a simulation!”
“… It was only luck that let me realize that.” They said.
“Then tell GiDi that!” She says. “Have you ever once told GiDi that you were proud of them!? Of all that they’ve done!? Did you ever tell they that they were amazing just for surviving everything they went through, for fleeing everything they had ever known and surviving on a strange planet alone!”
“Of course I’m proud of them!” They said as their ears flicked back again, “They thrived here! They got out from King Decon’s rule before me and did so much better among you civilians than-“
“I’m not asking if you are proud of them. I’m asking if you ever told them that!”
Finally, TO understood. Their ears dipped again, and they looked away.
“That’s what I thought.” She said. She pulled herself upright. “That’s all they want from you, TO. You have no idea how fucking much they love you, and all they want is for you to think they’re capable, that they’re smart. All they want is for you to be proud of them.”
“I don’t know if they still love me after yesterday.” They muttered, “After…” They were about to say ‘after they had failed so miserably’, but now they knew that that wasn’t necessarily the issue. They were sure it didn’t help, but that wasn’t the primary concern.
Not after everything.”
“They do.” She said, “Otherwise they wouldn’t still be upset about it.”
That pulled TO into silence for a moment as they considered her words. Was that true? Was their anger at them a sign of some familial affection still?
She turned and headed to the elevator. “I don’t know when GiDi will come back down here,” she said. “But when they do, you’re gonna tell them everything you were telling me, and more.” She said. She glared back at TO. “Understood?”
Her tail still twisted around itself at the end and now as TO saw it tense and twitch, they realized that was an intentional act to to keep the thing from slapping the floor or another shelf.
“U-Understood.” They said.
“Good.” She snapped.
It took a moment for the elevator to reach them, and they sat in awkward silence for a moment more before she signed again. “And… look.” She said. “What happened to Mark wasn’t your fault.” She said. “I’m more likely to blame Kei and the indebted system for it.” She huffed, “if they hadn’t taken such shitty care of him, the infection might not have spread and he’d probably have been ok. He was too weak and sick when he got to use, though, and we didn’t even know if he’d survive liftoff.” She looked down. “I’d never say that it’s good that someone died, but I think it’s better that he died quickly on Arkane. If he got on the ship, Constance would have watched him die slowly and painfully. I’ve seen enough people do that to know how...” She trailed off, looking to the side as though staring deeply into something, “Well, it sticks with you.” She shook her head. “It’s bad enough that he’s dead. I’m glad Constance didn’t have to go though that… and glad that he didn’t have to suffer that level of pain when we don’t have the painkillers to make him comfortable enough.”
Finally, the door opened. She slipped inside again, then poked her head out once more.
“Still pissed at you for hurting GiDi, and I’ll stay pissed until you talk to them! But GiDi shouldn’t have said what they did. You’re both idiots, as far as I’m concerned.”
The door closed before TO could come up with any response, leaving them to think about how they had actually messed up. Yes, they had failed in coming up with good plans, but it seemed their bigger failure was in helping GiDi, in supporting them. Their mind raced back to the conversation they had with GiDi long ago back in training, when GiDi lamented that they didn’t feel precious, that DH was obviously so much more important to TO than they were.
They had promised to do better, but with GiDi now having Pearla, now having someone to whom they were most precious, the issue had faded from TO’s mind. It never occurred to them that GiDi would still want that from TO.