TO was grateful for Petra and Lendulin’s presence. They realized just how much they had to talk to someone about what they had learned only after their crying had slowed and their composure returned in fragments. It had been clear for a while that TO liked the two, that they enjoyed talking to them, and that they wanted nothing to happen to their new civilian friends, but they hadn’t realized how close they had gotten. They hadn’t realized how much they felt they could trust the two.
Only a day ago that realization would have thrilled TO. Today, it scared them. Here they were, letting all the hurt and pain caused by one of their oldest friends flow out of them in front of two civilians who they had only met weeks ago. Yes, they knew that this was essential, that they had to talk to someone about this. GiDi’s actions had hurt them and while talking about it made it hurt all the more in that moment, the lingering dread and weightiness of the information seemed to lessen.
Still, how could they trust these two when it seemed they couldn’t even trust GiDi? Did they want to risk suffering more? If they trusted these two now, showing their pain to them and letting the two comfort them, would that make an eventual betrayal hurt all the more?
They thought that they should have spoken to Flit or Snout about this. At least they had had nothing to do with the failsafe.
… But they had hidden information from them in the past. Flit had disappeared with GiDi, left them and DH in the training center without really knowing if their friend was alright. Flit and Snout had altered them before they could even think! Yes, they were more at ease with this now, and their anger at the older synths had lessened…
Despite that, if GiDi could hurt them like this, couldn’t Flit and Snout? They had known GiDi longer than they knew either of them.
Petra had her arms around TO, her attached wings wrapping around them almost like synths wings. Petra had moved her chair closer to TO and was gently squeezing their shoulder with her webbed hand.
It helped. The contact helped them, and TO couldn’t help but wonder if that was because of the stuff they had read. Was that Agel thing forming with them now? Could that connection soothe and comfort a synth, even if the other person wasn’t a synth themself?
It took a minute for the pain to lessen enough that they could push away from the two, standing up and wiping their eyes with a tissue as they stepped to the other side of the hall. “Apologies.” They muttered, not even realizing how stiff their speech had gotten, “I… that helped nothing.”
“It’s ok, TO.” Lendulin said, “It’s fine… If you want to talk or complain or just cry, we’ll be here. Ok?”
They’d be here, sure, but for how long? What would it take for them to choose to manipulate them, to hide something important? How long would their betrayal take?
A part of TO knew that wasn’t fair and knew that Lendulin and Petra had done nothing to them. Still, they couldn’t help but worry that they would. They wanted to believe their friends, and in this moment when they couldn’t talk to DH or Avery, they wanted to accept their help and comfort. They told themself that they had known Lendulin and Petra longer than DH had known Vik, that the two likely did just want to help.
“You’ve only known them for a week longer, and you haven’t been around them much lately. Add up the time you’ve spent with these two, and compare it with the time DH has spent with Vik, or even the time you’ve spent with GiDi. If GiDi could betray you, what makes you think these two wouldn’t?”
The thought hurt, but they couldn’t ignore it. “Thank you.” They muttered, crossing their arms as their wings tightened around them, “I’ll be fine though.”
“Alright…” Pearla said, though she clearly wasn’t convinced, “So, what are you going to do?”
“Nothing, for now.” They said in a voice that felt cold even to them. It was uncomfortable talking to them with their back turned and their sudden distrust of their friends sparked guilt in their heart simply because they had done nothing. TO turned around and attempted to relax as they leaned against the wall.
These two had done nothing to them-
For now.
-And they just wanted to help.
Until they didn’t.
“Nothing?” Petra frowned, “You should talk to GiDi.”
TO expected her to say that they should talk to DH, and tell them the truth. They didn’t expect her to suggest talking to GiDi right away. “That is my plan.” They said, “But I can’t talk to them now.”
“Why not?” Petra frowned, “What, they’re busy or something? If they hurt you, you need to tell them!”
“Or they need to tell DH.” Lendulin said, her lips pursed, “I mean… They’re your mate-”
“And dealing with stuff already.” Petra said. “This will come out eventually, and DH is going to find out, and it’s going to hurt. If they’re already hurting, then that’s going to pile on the hurt. Do you think that’s a good idea when everyone has to push to get off this planet?”
TO gave a deep sigh of relief and finally felt their muscles truly relax. “Yes. You understand.” They said to Petra, “DH can’t handle this yet.”
“So, you’re gonna just suffer alone?” Lendulin asked.
“No, they have us.” Petra said, “They’re not suffering alone.”
For a moment, TO thought it would be ok. They thought maybe they could accept Petra and Lendulin’s support even though they might hurt them in the future. Even if an eventual betrayal came to pass, was that a suitable price for their care and friendship now?
Then they recalled the Agel thing once more. It would hurt more if that bond solidified. It wasn’t fair. They wanted to let Petra help them, especially since she understood TO’s thinking in this!
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It wasn’t fair. Friendship with civilians was hard. Of course, GiDi wasn’t a civilian, and they had still hurt TO. If it weren’t for the Agel, then maybe things would be ok. Of course, that affected the Ankyra more than it did any other synth. Maybe it would be ok. They weren’t an Ankyra.
Or… were they? No, they couldn’t be. They had DH. They loved DH. they had romantic feelings for DH, and so they couldn’t be an Ankyra. Or, was that how it worked? The file so far only said that an Ankyra never went through Enkavma.
Well, TO hadn’t done that yet. A new flare of panic rose in them. Could they be an Ankyra?
“So, you’re going to see GiDi today, right?” Petra asked. “You’re going to ask them why they did that, right?”
“R-Right.” TO said, letting Petra’s words pull them from their suddenly spiraling thoughts. Petra and Lendulin were here, and they were helping. How could they just expect the two to hurt them in the future? Ignoring the persuasive counterarguments in their head, they nodded. “I mean, I am going to talk to them, yes, but not today.”
“Well, you should.” Lendulin said as she gestured for another can of water, which Petra passed to her. “The longer you wait, the worse it’ll be when DH finds out you know.”
“I know.” TO said, sighing. “But I can't talk to them now.”
“Why not?” Lendulin pressed.
While TO frowned, trying to think of the best way to say that they weren’t able to talk to GiDi, Petra’s eyes suddenly lit up.
“Oh, right!” She turned to Lendulin. “That thing that Pearla told us about. They won’t be talking to GiDi for a while yet!”
“Ah.” A light flush covered Lendulin’s face. “Right. I forgot about that.”
TO’s ears went parallel to the ground as they gaped at Petra, “... You knew?”
“Well, Pearla told us?” Petra said with a shrug, “I mean, it’d be hard to hide anyway if they’re running off for a few days of seclusion every month…”
“Right. Well.” TO cleared their throat, their ears warming, “At any rate… I won’t be talking to GiDi for a while longer.” Their wings tightened around them, “And even once they’re available, that’s the day we’ll be leaving Arkane. It won’t be the best time to have a serious conversation.”
Lendulin sighed as she leaned forward, her elbows on her tail and her chin in her hands. She looked at TO intently. “This is a problem then.” She muttered.
“And you think you can hide this from DH?” Petra asked, “You synths can read ears and stuff. Will that give it away?”
“Maybe…” TO muttered. “They’ll know I'm upset about something. But, there’s lots to be upset about.” They shrugged, “DH is also upset because of Vik, and we’re both worried about Avery.”
“I still think you should tell DH.” Lendulin muttered. “I mean, they’re your mate. It’s going to hurt no matter when you tell them.”
“It’s a choice between duration or intensity.” Petra said, “Either have a terrible time now with the extra bad news atop what's already a big problem while they’re already working hard to help here, or spread it out longer and dilute the pain.” She shrugged, “In a few days we’ll be on a ship and you’ll have time to talk to DH without having to worry about running around and getting things done.”
Lendulin sighed again, but nodded, “Yeah… I guess.” she said, “At least, if you need to talk, you have us here.”
TO’s ears must have dropped as the spiraling, paranoid rhetoric in their head returned because suddenly Petra said, “... If you want to talk to us, that is…”
“Sorry.” TO said, guilt mixing with the anxiety in their stomach, “If… If I need to talk, I’ll come find you.”
“... Or we’ll check in on you.” Petra said, “Because we are worried about you. You’ve been through a lot, and now you can’t talk to DH about a good portion of what’s bothering you.”
“Right.” Lendulin said, “So don’t just hide things from us, ok?” She gave a wry grin “You know, not like you did the whole being a synth thing.”
Petra huffed, “Yeah, that was big.” She said, “And I don’t know who I was angrier with! You for not saying anything, or Pearla for not telling us anything!” She shrugged, “At least you had a reason to hide it from us, I suppose.”
They hid that from them, didn’t they? It was true that they and DH hid the fact that they were synths from Petra and Lendulin. They had forgotten about that, since the two seemed to forgive TO, but now that fact reared up along with everything else they were feeling.
Maybe they deserved this.
Really, what was the bigger secret? GiDi suggesting a failsafe in their chip to knock them out in order to pacify the insurgency, or TO hiding the fact that they were synths from their friends.
It wasn’t the same. They had only just met Petra and Lendulin back then, and they had to keep things a secret! Besides, in the beginning they never set out to be friends with Petra and Lendulin.
Oh. Right. TO and DH had used them in the beginning. They befriended the two in order to get closer to Pearla who clearly had something to do with the insurgency. They never wanted the friendship of civilians, that just happened! All they wanted in the beginning was information.
They absolutely deserved this. GiDi’s betrayal seemed so minor in comparison.
“Thank you.” TO said, their tongue heavy and their ears low, “If I need to talk, I’ll come to you.”
“Good.” Lendulin said.
“… But I should get to work” TO said, turning to the curtain hanging before their small alcove. “There’s lots to do.” There was lots to do, and TO was grateful for that. If they kept busy, if they occupied their mind, then they could keep their thoughts from following this spiraling whirlpool of guilt and blame and hurt.
If they worked hard enough, they’d be too tired to feel.
“Alright.” Petra said, taking the handles of Lendulin’s wheelchair and pushing her behind TO, “But if there’s anything we can help you with…”
There was. There were lots that the two could help them with which would save TO plenty of time and energy. The two had spent a lot more time among the civilians down here in the tunnels and having their help would simplify things.
“No, thank you.” TO said as they pushed away the blanket and headed into the darkened hall before them. “I can take care of it myself.” They turned back and gave their best civilian smile hoping it would distract from how low their ears were. “I'm sure you have a lot to do yourself.”
They needed their work, and nobody would take the sweet relief of exhaustion from them.