TO and DH had watched no shows the day before; DH had said that they wanted to focus on something they were researching, and wanted to work on their own personal research for a little while. It hadn’t bothered TO at first; occasionally one or both of them would want to work on their own project. This time, it made TO worry. They wondered if they had been too clingy the day before, or maybe if they hadn’t been attentive enough. They thought about what DH had said about it all feeling weird and wondered if DH was thinking it was weird and was trying to create some distance.
They worried they had somehow messed it all up without even realizing it. Specifically, they worried they should never have asked DH to touch their ears.
They sighed as they checked the scans in the engine room; it was taking longer than normal, and today TO just wanted to finish their tasks and go back down to see how DH was. It’d be better if they knew DH was alright, and that their actions in the last bit had just been a coincidence.
It’d be a relief to hear what Avery thought about it, at least. TO had sent off a message ages ago, but hadn’t received a message back yet. They checked to see if maybe they had missed a message, but when they saw they hadn’t, they just went back to read over what they had sent earlier.
Avery;
While the research project is going along, I’m worried that maybe DH is less invested than I had hoped. While they do help, I find I’m the one doing most of the work, and starting most of the research. I wonder if maybe DH regrets offering to help.
-TO.
That was the best they could tell Avery right now. They couldn’t tell Avery how DH seemed to be avoiding them suddenly. Even if they could, what if it was just a misunderstanding? What if DH wasn’t avoiding them and they were just reading too much into actions they’d have ignored otherwise?
They wished they could ask C12 about it. C12 was the only synth that they knew of who might understand. Well, C12 or Snout. Still, there was no way to contact either of them.
An alert suddenly popped up on their chip, but it wasn’t Avery; it was from the scans that they had taken from the engines.
-Alert; Replace and clean exhaust filter-
Exhaust filter? Where was that? TO selected the alert, and it gave them full instructions. Apparently, the filters were on the very bottom floor, close to where the airlock was. They’d have to go down, replace the filter, and clean the old one.
They got up with a sigh and checked once more to see if Avery had responded. They hadn’t. TO let a low growl of frustration escape their mouth as they closed their messages. What did it matter if Avery responded; Avery didn’t understand and would probably just tell them to talk to DH-
Talk to DH.
TO had figured that telling DH how they felt was the actual hard part. They thought everything would be easy after that, especially if it turned out that DH wanted to be their mate. Apparently, that wasn’t so easy.
Maybe they had to talk to DH again. Maybe it really was nothing, and if they just talked to DH, then they’d realize that it was nothing! Yes… yes, that was likely it, right? All TO had to do was talk to DH, and DH would tell them they were being silly.
They got up and went into the elevator. They’d ask DH to help them with the filter. At least that way, they’d be doing something while they talked, and it would all be a little less awkward.
======
“When’s the last time someone cleaned that!” DH said, their nose wrinkling up in disgust as TO pulled the filter from the machinery hidden behind the wall on the lower floor.
“You’d think that this stuff would get changed before we boarded it, right?” TO muttered as they dropped the fetid smelling filter into the tray they had brought down with them. “Maybe this needs to be changed frequently. How long have we been out here now?”
“In Arkanian days, it’s been-“
“No… I mean, in Universal days.” TO said. It would be easier for them to think about the cycles of maintenance in terms of universal days.
DH stopped, their eyes going blank for a moment as they considered that, “I don’t know, not really.” they said. “I had gotten used to Arkanian days. It’s been about... nine Arkanian days?”
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TO did the math in their head, “Six Universal days then.” They muttered. TO poured hot and soapy water from a bucket into the tray, hoping that the force of the water might shift some of the scum. They only had three filters, and one was for emergencies, in case the main filters broke. They’d have to clean the dirty one right away. “The one we just put in is clean, so we’ll see now if we have to change it again in another six universal days.”
DH nodded as they squat down next to the tray, pulled on plain rubber cleaning gloves, and started working the dirt off of the filter. “Ugh… this smells awful.” They said. “Are we sure this isn’t bad for us? It might have weird spores or mold in it.”
TO checked the instructions on their comm once more, “According to this, it’s not dangerous. There’s not even a warning to wear gloves while handling this.” They glanced at DH and gave a grin, “But I don’t think either of us wants to touch it.”
“Nope; not at all” DH. Ran a long, blunt scraper along the screen and worked out an enormous pile of gunk, “I don’t want to get this on me at all! It’s awful!”
TO squat down across from them, pulled on the plain rubber cleaning gloves which felt so different from the surgical gloves, and held the screen while DH scraped off the gunk. “If you get tired, we’ll switch.” TO said.
“Yeah. Good. Ugh, We’ll have to flush the waste disposal after this, I’m worried this might stink up the entire ship if we don’t do that right away. “
TO nodded and glanced over at their comm. Avery still hadn’t answered. They had hoped they would and maybe have given them some other advice. Still, TO knew the only advice that Avery would give.
Talk to DH.
“DH…” TO said slowly as DH focused on scraping away the gunk, “... Do you mind if I ask you something?”
DH stopped what they were doing and looked up, “Of course not.” they said, “Why would I mind?”
TO felt their ears warm up as they glanced down at the filter. Despite the smell and the hard, dirty work, DH seemed so at ease, where lately they had seemed distracted and worried.
Was that because of them?
“It’s about the whole mate thing.”
“Oh.” DH’s ears flicked down, “Is… is something wrong?”
“Well, I wanted to ask you that!” TO said, “I mean-” They looked away, “This is stupid-“
“And you should tell me how you feel, even if you think it’s stupid.” DH said as though reciting something they had memorized. They gave TO a quick grin, “You’d tell me the same thing.”
“I know, I know. I’m telling you.” They cleared their throat, and tried to ignore how hot their ears felt, and how stupid they felt, “I just.. well, lately I feel - And by lately, I mean since we started… you know, being mates-” They were scrambling, hesitating. They took a deep breath. “I feel you’ve been more distant.”
“Oh.” DH said. They looked down at the screen. “You do?”
“I mean, You’ve always been really affectionate, right?” TO said, “Even when we were just getting to know one another, you were always more affectionate than I was! You were always touching me, and -“
“I didn’t think it was a problem-“
“It wasn’t! I liked it! That’s my point!” They sighed, “Now you… you’re not. You’re more hesitant. I feel as though If I didn’t-” If I didn’t touch you. If I didn’t embrace you. If I didn’t kiss you. They wanted to say all those things, “If I wasn’t being affectionate, you wouldn’t be.”
DH was silent as they stared at the screen, working hard to get the gunk off. TO didn’t know if they were deep in thought or just didn’t want to answer them.
“... Does it make you uncomfortable?” TO asked once they could no longer take the silence between them, “Do… do you dislike it?”
“What?” DH looked up, an almost panicked look crossing over their face as their ears twitched. “NO! No, I don’t dislike it! Not at all it’s just..” They stopped, and looked back at the screen they were clearing, “It’s just a lot, you know?”
“I don’t.” TO said calmly, “Please… please try to tell me?” The movies and shows they watched hadn’t prepared them for this. They thought that the hard part would be over once they told DH how they felt! Most of the media they watched never talked about what happened after people got together, it just showed them being happy and in love, or showed another couple that was ‘drifting apart’
“... I wanted this for a long time.” DH muttered, their ears dipping down. “And for a long time… I just assumed it wouldn’t happen. I got used to that, got used to-” Their ears took on a slight blue tinge, “I got used to… ignoring things. I spent a long time convincing myself that it was better that way, you know? And now it’s…” They looked up at TO, their wings wrapped around themself, their ears pinning back despite how low they were, “It’s a lot, all at once.” They finally said.
“Do you wish I had said nothing?” TO asked, “Should I have kept quiet?”
DH shook their head, “No… No, I’m happy you feel the same way! I really am!” They looked for a moment like they might reach out and take TO’s hand, but their hand stilled in the air, and they went back to work, “I just… Even a retiree was being mocked for this.” they muttered, “C12 suffered because of this, I’m not as good as C12 was.”
“But nobody’s here.” TO insisted, “Nobody is here to cause us problems, or-”
“But we shouldn’t be like this, right?” They looked away, “According to King Decon, or at least the higher ups… A synth in service to King Decon shouldn’t-“
“But we know we’re strange already.” TO said, “We know that!”
“I know, but this is the thing that’s a little beyond strange, isn’t it?” DH muttered. “This is something that could have gotten us in real trouble… If we want to serve King Decon, is it right to have a mate?” They closed their eyes and took a breath, their ears flicking down in sadness. “I just.. I don’t know if we should be like this.”
“... you don’t want to be my mate.” TO’s stomach clenched, and they felt like they were going to be sick. They felt like they wanted to run away.
“I do!” DH said, “I want to… but I don’t know if we should.” They scraped off the last bit of the gunk on the screen. “I know we don’t have to worry about being corrected now… and we don’t have to worry about being separated. I just worry that it’s wrong for us to feel this way”
“Don’t think it is.” TO said, their voice soft and hesitant.
“... I just want to go a little slow.” DH said. “Maybe we can still be ‘mates’ but without all the… I mean, maybe it’s ok if we don’t…” Their ears flushed, “If we’re not so physical with one another.”
TO’s stomach dropped. “Right.” They said. Of course, the way they felt was more important. DH loved TO just as much as they did… That should be enough, right?
They didn’t need to do the other things, right? Kisses and ear rubs, or any of the other stuff that TO thought about when they were alone… they didn’t need that, right?
They had done something weird. Maybe the ear rubbing thing was too weird.
“That’s alright then?” DH said without looking up at TO.
“That… yes.” TO said as they got up and stretched as though their legs hurt. They looked away, knowing that while they couldn’t hide how low their ears were from DH, maybe they could hide the tears stinging at their eyes. “We’re nearly done with this. Can you finish it up while I check the last of the scans in the engine room?”
DH was quiet behind them, and TO could only hear the water sloshing around in the pan as they rinsed the filter.
“... I can finish.” DH finally said, “You go on.”
TO left wordlessly, worried that their voice would crack and break if they said anything.
They had been too weird. They had ruined it, and now DH was uncomfortable.