Avery left the observation deck a few hours later to go back to their pod. TO, of course, decided to stay and wait for DH. Lately, they always met in the observation deck before they went to their pods so that they could have a few minutes to talk without worry about being recorded. They didn’t always talk about things that were problematic, but there was always a chance they’d talk about GiDi. It was also just nice to not have to worry so much about every word they spoke.
Still, the room felt so cold and empty when their friends weren’t there, and the beauty of the galaxy before them seemed more somber when TO was alone. It was also when they were alone that they found their thoughts slipping, lingering either on daydreams or memories; something they had been trying to avoid.
Sometimes they couldn’t help but let their thoughts slip. Today, it was memories that their mind lingered on; a conversation they had had with Avery nearly a period after admitting how they felt about DH.
“I couldn’t tell them!” TO said as they stomped into the observation deck, startling Avery with how loud they were. They flopped onto the couch, hiding their face with their hands, “I was going to, but I couldn’t!”
Avery sighed and closed up the file they were reading, “Why not?”
“I don’t know...Because C12 said I should wait? Because…” They had wondered why they couldn’t tell them, and why they felt so scared when the words were resting on their tongue, ready to come out.
“Does it even matter?” they asked, more to themself than to Avery, “I mean, DH knows I love them. We’re always together… does it matter if I tell them?”
“Clearly it does.” Avery muttered, “This is the third time you’ve gotten yourself all ready to go tell them, and the third time you’ve decided against it.” They glanced up from their book, “I have no idea what you’re feeling; again, I’ve never held any romantic feelings towards another-” TO’s ears still burned when Avery mentioned it. How could they say that so casually? “-But I’m assuming it’s different than just loving them as your friend. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be an issue.”
“I don’t even know if there’s actually a difference. Maybe I’m just overthinking it and maybe I do only love DH as my friend, as family-”
“Do you love GiDi?”
“Of course!”
“Do you love GiDi in the same way you love DH?”
“Well… no.” the idea of kissing GiDi or rubbing GiDi’s ears just seemed odd to TO.
“Then there’s a difference, and you should tell them.”
Platonic love, and romantic love. What even was the difference? It was a question that still bothered TO from time to time. It had bothered them enough that they had taken the risk to try to look it up from the database connected to their chip. The information they found had been civilian based, and not altogether useful. It simply stated that platonic love was love between friends and family, and that romantic love was love between sexual partners.
Even TO knew that overly simple definition wasn’t quite right. Even just from romantic shows that they had watched with DH, they knew that wasn’t right. There was romance without sex. There was sex without romance. Paring up romance and sex also seemed almost flippant to TO; there was more to it!
They just… didn’t know what that was.
Well, that was philosophy, and wholly unnecessary. While the logic didn’t make sense to TO, they at least knew what they felt. In the end it came down to two simple facts.
The first fact: TO loved GiDi and DH, but they loved DH differently than they did GiDi. Precious, GiDi had said once; they had envied how TO and DH seemed so precious to one another. The love TO had for DH was a different love, and somehow what they had seen of romantic love did seem to fit what they felt even if they couldn’t explain why.
The second fact: TO did want to be...intimate with DH. They wanted to kiss the space between their ears and the back of DH’s head. They wanted DH to stroke their ears. They wanted to-
The door slid open, and TO yelped in shock as DH came into the observation deck. Thankfully, DH didn’t notice how flustered TO was because they walked right in and flopped down on the couch. Their ears were down and pinned back, their eyes were half closed.
“I hate the armor.” DH snapped, “I thought it would feel like the armor we wear in the simulations, but it’s worse! and -”
“You got fitted then?” TO asked, doing their best to draw their thoughts away from where they had been going, “It took a while.”
DH sighed, “I didn’t JUST get fitted for armor.” they said, their voice taking on an almost sulky tone, “I got fitted for my armor, then they realized they could fit me for my medical examination.” DH put their hands to their eyes, “I got so many scans done that I’m stiff from standing or sitting, my eyes hurt from the flashing lights, AND I have a headache from all the noises.”
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TO reached out, hesitating only for a moment before they gently started scratching the back of DH’s head. They remembered that when they had their first really bad migraine that DH had done the same for them, and it had helped a lot.
It seemed to help DH. They hummed softly and leaned into TO, resting their head on TO’s chest. “Thanks” they muttered.
“It’s nothing.” TO insisted, “You’ve done the same.”
DH didn’t respond, but instead seemed to relax into TO. They didn’t fall asleep, but they relaxed so much that after a moment TO could hear soft, faint chirps coming from the back of DH’s throat. TO watched their friend’s hands unclenched, allowing their fingers to spread over their forehead while their palms kept comfortable pressure to their eyes.
TO hoped they wouldn’t move their hands, at least not yet. The way they looked in that moment, their precious chirps, the way they leaned back against TO, it made TO’s ears flush. It made them feel like their chest was going to burst.
It made them want to tell DH right now. TO knew they shouldn’t, but they also knew that if DH were to happen to look up right now, and see how flushed they were, and if DH were to question them on it…
TO knew they wouldn’t be able to lie. They knew they’d do the wholly irresponsible thing and tell them how they felt. They took several long, deep breaths, and after several minutes they managed to calm the frantic hum of their heart and regain their composure.
Still… Lovers did this right? Mates? There were lots of times in DH’s shows where even an established couple wasn’t quite this close. TO Had been paying far more attention as of late, watching them almost as though they were documentaries that required study.
“I feel a little better.” DH said, startling TO. TO’s hands stilled, and they wondered if it would be too odd if they continued. They tried to think back to when DH had done this for them but their head hadn’t felt better until they had gone to sleep.
“We could go to MO-6?” TO offered, “If you’re still in some pain?”
“No, it’s not that bad.” DH said. They stayed where they were for a moment, then sat up, stretching. “Still, all those tests are awful.”
“Most synths who have had their medical examination have had headaches afterwards.” TO said. They had heard some others complain about head pains, and even Avery had been in pain after their scans. “It’s apparently still better than when we’ve been inoculated; they’ll apparently do it early in the day and let us rest for the rest of the day to recover.
DH groaned as they leaned back against the couch, “Well,” They said, “We won’t have to worry about that until after we get our assignments.” They finally glanced at the now very calm TO, “Speaking of which…” they trailed off, their ears pinning back with worry as their hands clenched on their lap.
“I don’t know for certain if we’ll be assigned together.” TO said, answering DH’s unspoken question, “But I think we will be. My overseer was very transparent in that.”
DH relaxed all at once, their ears coming forward, their shoulders dropping, and even a muscle in their jaw seemed to unclench.
“I said I don’t know for certain!” TO protested.
“I know.” DH said as they gave TO a quick smile, “But you think we will be. That’s enough for me for now.”
“Right… And I think we’ll be on Arkane.”
“Arkane? Really?” DH sat up, “You think we’ll find GiDi?”
“I don’t know… but C12 recommended us for it. Apparently they recommended that you and I go to Arkane just before our examination.
“Then GiDi must be there.” DH said, though their ears still twitched with worry, “They have to be.”
“We might not find them, even if they are!” TO said quickly, “It’s still a big planet, and GiDi could be in hiding. There’s every chance that we may not see them!”
“I know.” DH said quietly. “It’d be nice to see them… But I know.”
The silence that followed screamed the unspoken thoughts that had been echoing around in TO’s head. GiDi might still be dead. They had no way to know what happened after they left the training center or if they had even managed to leave the training center at all. So long as they didn’t know for certain then they could believe that GiDi was still alive. The hope that GiDi was out there somewhere in the galaxy and happy was so much kinder than all the other awful things that could have happened, and which had been more likely to happen.
TO was happy at the moment to live in ignorant hope of what could be.
“Anyway.” TO said in an attempt to change the subject, “You got your armor?”
“Yes!” DH said, clearly relieved to have the topic changed, “Yes. I got my armor, and I hate it.”
“Why? Does it look worse than the armor we wear in the simulations?”
“Want to see it?” DH asked.
“I… yes? Where is it?”
DH sighed and stood up. They held up their right arm and pulled their sleeve back to reveal what looked like a thin, metallic bracelet. DH watched TO’s confused face for just a moment before they reached up and held their forefinger and thumb to the bracelet’s smooth surface.
It was as though the bracelet unfolded, forming first a tight layer over DH’s sleeve and over their exposed hand. The metal covered DH’s hand and arm, then continued to unfold over DH’s body, trailing up their neck and over their chest and back. Soon, all that showing was DH’s head and their wings which their armor had left exposed.
The armor puffed out once more and seemed to settle over DH’s body and form their armor. Once the body was formed, the metal spread up to form a bubble over DH’s head before it settled and set into place to create a smoothed helmet with narrow, oval eyes that gave DH a slightly buggy look.
“The sensation of the armor provides discomfort.” DH said, but they sounded weird. It was DH’s voice, TO could tell that, but there was something slightly off about it. TO wasn’t entirely sure if it was because they couldn't see DH’s ears or not. They were monotone, and the word choice seemed odd for DH. “Apologies; this unit’s translation software is always on.” DH reached out to their wrist again and a moment later the armor dissolved away, pulling into itself and shrinking up until it was once again just a bracelet.
“I hate the translation software!” DH snapped, their ears pinned back, “It’s so…”
“Well, it was translating for us to Synth-speak, and I couldn’t see your ears; of course it’s going to be odd.”
“It just feels so weird when it forms over me.” DH said as they frowned at the bracelet, “And as soon as the helmet activates properly there’s all kinds of data; it syncs up to my chip so I instantly get all kinds of information just to the side. It’s distracting” they sighed and flopped back into the couch, “But, the good news is that it can play radio signals without anyone else hearing, so I can listen to music whenever I want when I’m wearing it and nobody would know!”
TO was only half listening; they were distracted by the translation software. “What exactly did you say when you spoke to me? When the translation software was working?”
“What?” DH frowned as they looked at TO, “Just what I told you; The armor felt odd, and I hated the translation software.”
There had been something off about the translation to TO, but they figured that it had to be just the relay of DH’s voice and the lack of ear movements to provide the much needed context, tone, and the myriad of subtleties that their languages relied on.
“I guess when we’re wearing them, we’ll have to speak in Universal Common when we talk to each other.”
“Thankfully, the internal communications system isn’t automatically translated; not unless it’s activated. It’s not needed most of the time.”
DH had their armor, and TO was certain that they’d have their armor soon as well. They’d have their assignment soon, and then they’d know for sure if they were being assigned with DH. TO would need to have their own medical done, then they needed their inoculations, then a briefing with their Overseer.
Then they’d be gone from the training center. Synths finishing their training would be sent out in the new period. That was just three days away. Three days until they were gone from the center. Three days until they didn't’ have to worry about training or classes or simulations. Three days until they didn’t have officers and overseers all around.
Three days until they could tell DH. That at least made it easier for TO to hold their tongue right now.