TO held it together until they got up to the engine room, at which point they leaned against the door to the elevator, slumped to the floor, and cried. They were quiet at first, then the sobs got louder as they lost the fragile hold they had on the ache that throbbed inside of them. They had messed up and had made DH uncomfortable about everything.
They remembered just after they had told them how they felt, how long they had sat in the weapons bay looking at the stars and just holding one another. They remembered the little kisses they had exchanged. Everything was fine! Nothing went wrong until TO had asked DH to rub their ears.
Was that what made DH so uncomfortable? Was ear rubbing that perverted?
Of course you’re perverted. You’re hardly any better than a civilian half the time. How many times have you thought about DH in what you knew were inappropriate ways? How many times have you let those thoughts get to where you need to take care of yourself- hidden in the showers, under the blanket in your pod, or even in the observation deck? Of course you’re perverted. You shouldn’t impose that on DH.
They’d apologize.
The thought came so quickly, TO felt ashamed that they hadn’t done it right way back down when they were dealing with the filter. They’d apologize for being weird. They’d tell DH that they understood, that they were being weird, and that they’d not do anything that DH didn’t want them to.
DH wouldn’t have to rub their ears anymore. TO wouldn’t try to be around DH all the time or to touch them so much. Well, at least that was a bit of a relief; always trying to be touching DH like in the movies was exhausting, and it made it hard to get any work done.
Still, that provided very little comfort.
They took quick gulps of breath as they calmed themself, forcing their breathing to slow. Before they went down, they had to pull themself together. They had to wipe away the tears and look more composed than they already did. They wished again that they had never felt like this. This was all so stupid! Why did the shows and the movies present this romance stuff as being good, as being wonderful? This was all hard, and it just caused so much pain so far…
They suddenly remembered Q10. They remembered how willing they had been to be corrected. TO remembered how at the time they couldn’t understand how anyone would want to be corrected. Now they wondered if they would volunteer. If they knew that being corrected would stop them from hurting, stop them from wanting strange things from DH… would they do it?
No...no, it was too late for all that now, too late for wishing for such things. They probably wouldn’t get corrected now, and they had told DH how they felt already. They wiped their eyes and stood up.
Besides all that… even if DH was uncomfortable, they knew DH didn’t hate them. They knew DH would be sad if something happened to them.
They had to go back down to talk to DH. They had to apologize for making such a mess of things, for being so perverted, and for breaking their promise.
======
When TO got down to their living area, they didn’t see DH. At first they wondered if maybe they were still working on the screen, or if they were hiding, but then they heard the shower.
Of course they’d be in the shower; they had just completed a relatively dirty job and TO had left them to finish it by themself. That was something else they’d have to apologize for. They’d wait until DH got out of the shower, and before they started their research, they’d apologize.
It was then that a message came in through TO’s communicator. Finally, they had their response from Avery.
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TO;
I’m sorry, don’t know how to help with this. I know DH would be more than happy to help you with any research you were doing. Did you speak to them and find out what it was they didn’t like about the research?
-Avery.
TO knew what DH didn’t like about the ‘research’; It was too much, too weird, too perverted. DH didn’t like what they were doing and TO had pushed them. They were no better than some perverted civilian. These were all things that they couldn’t tell Avery just now.
They didn’t think that they could have told Avery, even if they didn’t have to speak in code. How could they admit to how they had acted? How uncomfortable they had made DH?
TO took another deep breath as they sat at their work table. It would all be fine; they had to believe that. They still loved each other, and TO knew that they could fix this! All TO had to do was talk to DH; just like Avery and GiDi had been saying.
TO suddenly shook their head and chuckled. Maybe it wasn’t even as bad as they thought, and maybe they had just misunderstood something? They had run off quickly, and maybe DH had more they wanted to say.
It occurred to them that they had broken their promise; the promise to not run off when upset. A dull knot of anxiety hit their stomach as they thought about that; it was another thing they’d have to apologize for.
‘Well, I wasn’t running away, I just wanted a moment to myself.’ They thought, but even as they considered that they realized that if DH had run off and started crying by themself, they’d make TO worry because they hadn’t spoken to them! TO would feel awful for making DH feel that way!
Just another thing to apologize for. They wondered if they should tell DH how sad and worried they were, but they didn’t want to upset DH needlessly.
TO turned to the screen, thinking that at least they’d do some research while they waited, if only to occupy their mind; it was unlikely that DH would be in the shower to much longer, anyway.
They glanced at the door to the washrooms, and the idea of going in, of offering to help DH with their back, entered their head. They wanted to do that, to mimic how DH had helped them way back when TO had gotten splashed with filth while working in maintenance.
Maybe not now; not after everything that just happened.
It was as they were turning back to their work desk that they saw that the blanket which DH had hung across their sleeping areas had come loose at the corner. One magnet seemed to have fallen, and now it looked untidy. TO scanned the floor and found the magnet by the door to the washroom. They snatched it up off the floor and went to put the blanket back into place. They reached up, shifting the blanket so that they could reach up and around on both sides to put it up properly.
That’s when they noticed the mess. At first, they weren’t sure what they were seeing and in their shock, they pulled down the blanket from where it hung, letting it fall to the floor.
DH had separated the beds, pushed them to opposite sides of the small sleeping area. The blankets that TO had carefully and neatly tucked around the corners of the beds were now sitting in a pile in the center of the floor. The storage crates were now sitting between the two beds, creating a barrier at one end.
TO felt their legs grow weak. They tried to stay standing, but then they wondered why they bothered, and fell to their knees.
DH didn’t want to touch them anymore. They didn’t want to hold them. They didn’t want to sleep with them. TO had been so terrible, so perverted and deranged in what they wanted, DH had decided they couldn’t even sleep with them anymore.
Even if they apologized, would DH ever be ok with them again?
They were so tired of crying, so tired of hurting like this, but it was their own fault. They had made DH uncomfortable and had messed everything up! Now, DH wasn’t comfortable being around them anymore, even while they slept.
TO thought of all the times they had woken up, their legs pressing together and their ears flushed because of how DH had been breathing on their ears. They had been so careful to hide that from DH before, but since they had told DH how they felt, they had stopped hiding that.
They knew DH enjoyed sleeping with them, so how uncomfortable did they have to be to do this?
TO couldn’t cry. They felt too tired to cry. They leaned against the bed as they sat on the floor, the horrible feelings inside of them swelling up and wrapping around them.
It hurt too much to cry. Why did DH go this far? They had been sleeping together for so long! Had they really made them so uncomfortable that they had to move the beds apart?
And why hadn’t they told them?
A little flame of anger sparked from the darkness of TO’s sadness and shame. OK, maybe they were weird. Maybe they were a pervert, and maybe there was something wrong with them, but if they had made DH uncomfortable, then why hadn’t DH told them before it came to this! Why had they done this without talking to them!
Anger, shame, and sadness mixed as TO waited, sitting on the floor between the two beds.
TO wasn’t sure how much time had passed until DH came out of the shower. They didn’t move when they heard the water stop, didn’t turn around when the door opened, and hardly reacted as they heard DH catch their breath upon seeing TO on the floor among the blankets and storage crates.
“Oh… I thought you’d take longer.”
TO stood slowly, their ears pinned back, “You wanted to have this all moved apart and cleaned up by the time I got down, didn’t you.” they said, their voice cold and quiet. DH should have told them! If they were uncomfortable with all this, then DH should have told them so that this never happened! They turned to face DH, their eyes narrowed.
DH had been crying; TO could tell by the blue ringed eyes. At least that cooled down some of the anger inside TO. Still, a part of them was happy about it. ‘good. They’re sad. I’m sad too!’
They’d figure this out; maybe it wouldn’t be comfortable or pleasant, and maybe it wouldn’t work out in a way that TO liked, but they didn’t care; They were going to figure this out.