TO didn’t think they’d find relaying ‘everything’ would be as exhausting as it was. They didn’t think at first that they’d have to go all the way back to the early days of their training and explain how they and DH met and became friends. They didn’t think they’d end up explaining what training was like for them. TO’s story didn’t surprise Pearla, she had heard it all from GiDi before, but Lendulin and Petra had heard nothing about what life before Arkane was like for TO and DH.
Was it more exhausting to tell them everything that happened, or was it more exhausting to see their reactions? Seeing their eyes widen in horror at things that TO never thought were that bad in the first place, things that were just expected of them or ways that synths were treated, twisted in TO’s heart in a way they couldn’t comprehend.
“You don’t understand.” TO said after they explained about how their former officer in Recovery sent older synths off to be repurposed, “For most of us, for real synths, that’s just how it is. It’s expected! That’s what Kei would want to happen to them!”
“Don’t make it right.” Petra snapped, “Mother-fucking King Dick. Here I thought you were all robots or some shit. He treated you like them! Tools my ass.” Her tail lashed behind her. “Even the ones that are ‘normal’ are just well programmed. Of course, the ones that took Helen and her parents didn’t have any issues with it; Decon taught them not to think!” She turned to Lendulin, “This has to be some kind of personal rights violations-”
“And who would hold King Decon to his own laws?” GiDi said with a bitter laugh, “Besides, we’re not considered people; we’re tools.”
“Bullshit. You can think, you can feel; you’re a person.” She snapped, then turning to TO, she continued, “So what, just because he made you, he thinks he owns you?” She huffed, “I can’t believe that the whole ‘Decon created the synths’ thing is actually true.”
“Not entirely.” GiDi said, “There’s other evidence-”
“I’ll be right back.” TO said as GiDi started talking. They didn’t feel like sticking around to hear about Chilacians, didn’t want to see Petra’s anger when she learned about that, or feel Lendulin’s pity. They left the room mostly unnoticed as GiDi was talking, and didn’t stop walking until they were halfway to their room. Their room would be empty, and they weren’t sure they wanted to be there alone. They considered going back to the lab and waiting for DH, but they didn’t want to risk seeing something that might affect them badly.
Flit was right about that, at least.
After a few minutes, they simply sat down in the hallway, listening to the water running alongside the walking path. They considered dipping their toes in the water, but remembered the bug that they saw swimming in it earlier and changed their mind.
Had things really been that bad? Of course, it seemed awful at the time because they were in the middle of the whole situation, but it was only hard for them because they differed from the other synths; they were strange. Or, no, they weren’t strange, they just hadn’t been conditioned properly, their brain hadn’t been altered properly.
Should their brains have been altered? TO didn’t intend to mention that at all, but at one point, Petra had asked how so many of the synths could be so distant, or could go through their training without questioning the news they heard or railing against the rules imposed on them; GiDi mentioned the brain alteration, and the conditioning, and of course the warnings that Flit had given them on keeping quiet. The mention of all that had drawn expressions of disgust and horror, which was only a little less surprising than the relief that showed so clearly on Petra’s face when TO said that they and DH had not been altered in such a way….
It wasn’t wrong. It was fine, because they were synths, and synths existed to serve King Decon. But what of Chilacians then? Why did Chilacians exist? In the same way that TO never got to choose to have their brain preserved, none of the ‘normal’ synths choose to have their minds altered. No Chilacian had agreed to become a synth. What would TO have chosen if given the chance? Without knowing DH, or knowing any friendship or knowing how easy or hard their life might be, what would TO have chosen for themself?
Was altering their minds in the first place wrong? It would be wrong if they were civilians, but they were synths. It was different. Of course, they were only synths because King Decon chose them to be synths.
They leaned against the cool stone wall and listened to the water flowing past. Things were simpler when they were just synths, when they struggled because they were strange, and they simply had to strive to serve King Decon. Now, everything was different and confusing.
At least they had DH. At least through all of this, DH was a constant in everything.
======
“TO?”
They didn’t know how long they had been sitting, just listening to the water flowing past, but it must have been a while because GiDi had come looking for them.
“I just wanted some quiet.” TO said, “That’s all.”
GiDi nodded and sat down next to them. “I understand that.” they said as they positioned themself crossed legged next to TO. “The room’s a little loud, isn’t it?”
TO grunted in agreement and went back to listening to the water flowing, throwing all their focus into the sound. It kept them from thinking too hard on things that they couldn’t work out right now.
“... Are you alright?” GiDi asked, breaking TO’s focus, which had been hanging by a thread.
The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation.
“... No.” TO said after considering lying for just a moment. “I’m… really not.”
“I didn’t think so.” GiDi said. “I wasn’t for a while.”
“GiDi…” TO stared into the water, watching the movement but not really seeing anything. They felt like they were looking past the water, past the physical and to something far, far away that didn’t actually exist. “I killed seven civilians.” They said, “Everything else is confusing enough on its own, but that’s not. I killed seven civilians. Synth, Chilacian, or civilian, that’s….” they pulled their knees closer to their chest, “I should be repurposed.”
“No, you shouldn’t.” GiDi said as they put a hand on TO’s knee, “And if it helps, you easily saved three times that number. Children too.”
TO snorted as their ears dipped back, their wings tightening around their shoulders, “They wouldn’t have died.” They said, “The authorities would have taken them and what? Questioned them? Most of them knew nothing-”
“Technically, they could have them all arrested for ‘unlawful occupation’” GiDi said, “And most of them were legless, who don’t do so well in Arkane’s prison systems, or their legal systems. They’d likely had become indebeted after, and because they’d have a criminal record, they’d receive harsher work in dangerous environments. They wouldn’t last long.”
“... You’ve seen this?” TO asked, glancing at their smaller friend, watching as their ears pinned, and their eyes narrowed.
“Yes.” They said, “I’ve been here a while, and I’ve helped with a few things. If someone with a criminal record becomes indebetted, they get sent to do some of the most dangerous work on the planet… or off. And yes, they don’t survive. Legless children also don’t do well in the childcare systems for orphans here.” GiDi’s fist clenched on TO’s knee. “The state I’ve seen some of them end up in…” They shook their head, “Those officers knew what they were going to put those people through. They knew the system they’ve chosen to support.” They let go of TO’s knee, “... Of course, it was the same one I supported once. That you supported.”
“... And you don’t support any of it now.” TO asked, “The growth of the galaxy, the betterment of society-”
“I don’t.” They said, their voice sharp, “I’ve seen enough suffering, and decided it’s not worth it.” They looked to TO, “I’ve seen you and DH suffer before I was taken away. I’ve heard of your suffering afterwards. Flit, Snout… me., we’ve all suffered enough. We’ve seen people get corrected or reprocessed. I’ve seen legless people starve in a system designed to legally kill them off. I’ve seen citizens born in poverty pushed to work and work and suffer until they break, and nobody does anything, nobody changes the system because it’s working as it’s supposed to.”
“... it’s not supposed to-”
“Yes, it is!” GiDi snapped, “This is how King Decon wants it to work. Expansion and growth. He permits the abuse of the lowest of his people because the lowest people aren’t important to him. So long as they do the work that the system needs them to do, it works. He doesn’t care about suffering.” They looked away, focusing on the water once more. “If he did… he'd stop it.”
It made sense, and TO hated that. They hated knowing that GiDi’s reasoning here answered every question they had why King Decon allowed the systems on Arkane to continue, and why such suffering was allowed. Worse than that, they realized they had never been told any differently. We must make sacrifices for the good of the Galaxy; they just never realized ‘the good of the galaxy’ was such a mathematical, cold thing. Expansion and growth at any cost; even the cost of people’s lives or wellbeing.
“... I still didn’t want to kill anyone.” TO said, “Not even for King Decon.” They gave a sharp, bitter laugh. “The only time I ever thought I wanted to was when you took DH away.”
A sharp chuckle escaped GiDi’s mouth. “You wanted to kill me then, I took DH.”
“But I didn’t. And Avery was trying to hold me back, because they said that I shouldn’t, that I wouldn't want to kill anyone.” They grasped their arms, hugging themself as their wings tightened, “I didn’t want to kill them.”
“... I know.” GiDi said. “I know you. You wouldn’t hurt anyone if you could help it.”
“I didn’t even try to kill them.” TO said. “The officers just fell. The other one shot Tham, and then I shot them, but their-”
“TO…” GiDi shifted, and knelt in front of TO, “You don’t have to tell me if you don't want to… but if you want to, then just take a breath. Talk slowly.” They put their hands on TO’s arms, “It’s a lot. Just go slow.”
TO hadn’t even noticed their breathing picking up until GiDi said something. They swallowed and took several deep breaths before they started talking again.
“I shot the agent once.” They said, speaking slowly and purposefully, and taking deep breaths between each statement. “Something on them sparked. Tham was bleeding. I didn’t want the agent to fall in the water with whatever it was sparking on them. I shot them out. I don’t know when they died.”
GiDi nodded. “The anchor exaggerates anything listed as insurgent behavior.” GiDi said, “None of us believed for a second that you tried to hurt anyone.”
“They’re still dead because of me.”
“And if you did nothing, Tham would be dead and the kids you saw would go into a system designed to destroy them.” They shrugged, “It doesn’t make it better… but I think you’d feel like this no matter what you had done; if you had protected Tham or not.”
“You think so?” They asked. GiDi didn’t respond right away. Their lips pressed together as they stared at TO for a long moment. After a while, they slowly got to their feet, and held a hand out to help TO up.
“Come on.” They said, “There’s lots to do. You can help us get some survivors settled.”
TO frowned, their ears twitching in confusion at GiDi’s sudden shift in topic… but then they simply took GiDi’s hand and got up. Maybe this was something that GiDi didn’t want to talk about, and TO wouldn’t press their friend.