I live a blessed life.

I have a powerful and respected grandmother, a wealthy and ferocious grandfather, a famous and influential father, an earnest and indulgent mother, a doting and devoted sister, and a supportive and encouraging brother. I have three blushing, affectionate women who love me, multiple loyal and trustworthy friends, hundreds of staunch, dependable comrades, and the most adorable niece and nephew in the world. Throw in the sweetest giant turtle around, a whole legion of adorable floofs, and my significant personal fame and wealth, it’s clear I am better off than most miserable inhabitants unlucky enough to have been born in this death world.

Yet even with all this and more, I manage to be utterly miserable.

It’s too bad I can’t blame my gloom and doom on occult factors anymore. The Spectres went silent after I figured out how to Devour Heavenly Energy and turn it into Chi, and I haven’t heard a peep from them ever since, which means this latest bout of depression is all one-hundred percent all natural with no ghostly or occult additives. This means there’s no easy fix because I can’t just Devour and Cleanse all phantasmal party poopers before moving on with my life. Sadly, that’s just how depression is, a pervasive burden which clings to your metaphysical self and refuses to let go despite your best efforts to free yourself.

People who don’t understand might say things like ‘what do you have to be depressed about’ or ‘do something that makes you happy and cheer up’, because they’ve never been depressed and make no distinction between depression and sadness. Depression isn’t just feeling a little down in the dumps or needing to cry. Depression is waking up in the morning and still feeling tired, not because you didn’t sleep well or long enough, but because the mere thought of getting out of bed is exhausting. Depression is having an empty stomach and plenty of food, yet lacking the will to walk into the kitchen to grab something to eat. Depression is seeing all the great things you have going on in your life and feeling guilty because you truly believe you don’t deserve any of it.

Depression isn’t sadness. It’s indifference. It’s apathy. It’s crippling numbness. I’d love to cheer up, I really would, except I can’t, and I’d love to know why, even if only so I can explain it to my loving family and future wives.

It sucks knowing I can use Chi and having no idea how I do it, but contending with my baffled but well-meaning loved ones might actually be worse. There was a time when I’d go through one of these depressive episodes with everyone remaining none the wiser, or at the very least keeping quiet about it. That’s how Alsantset and Charok handled it, largely leaving me to my own devices while keeping an eye on me so I don’t fall to pieces, and it worked. Mostly. Okay, it didn’t really work, but still. I liked it way better than what Yan, Mila, and Lin-Lin are trying, which can only be described as a concentrated effort to overwhelm me with affection and attention so I have no time to be depressed. Now, I’m not exactly complaining about their... enthusiastic distractions, except at the end of the day, that’s all it is. A distraction. My depression isn’t going to melt away due to love and affection, because if that was the cure, then I wouldn’t be depressed to begin with.

All this and more goes through my mind in response to Tali’s innocuous question as she sits atop sweet Nuno, her adolescent quin-in-training. Instead of unloading all my inner turmoil onto the poor kid just because she asked if I was okay, I just smile and say, “I’m fine sweetling. Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention and missed your turn. Could you please run through it again, just for me?”

“Okay Rainy, but you gotta watch carefully this time, ya?” All sugar and smiles, Tali brings Nuno around for another run at the obstacle course, and this time I make sure to pay attention and not let my mind wander off.

Smile Rain. Don’t ruin Tali’s fun or make her think you don’t care, because you do. You watched Tate do this without breaking down, so just do it again. Focus on the moment and nothing else. Tali looks cute as a button in her colourful riding clothes, her bright smile a balm for the soul as she frantically waves to make sure I’m watching. Then it’s off to the races, or rather the obstacle course, one Lin-Lin put together for the express purpose of playing with the animals. My sweet wifey never pulls her punches when it comes to fun, and this obstacle course is no different, though it does start off easy with a series of agility poles. These present no obstacle to lithe Nuno as she snakes in and out around them, winding about like the furry, bipedal snake she is. Next up are the hurdles, and while the quin can blow straight through them, she knows her rider needs her to slow down and so she does. Moving at a brisk walk, Nuno ambles forward as Tali comes to her feet, quin and rider working in tandem to get past this second obstacle. While Nuno slips underneath the hurdles, Tali hops over them, her arms stretched out to either side for balance as she wobbles precariously in place.

Though she’s no doubt Lightening for all she’s worth while Stabilizing to keep steady, truth be told, it’s mostly natural dexterity and Nuno’s steady gait allowing Tali to keep her balance, but it’s still impressive as hell. I still have trouble standing on quin-back sometimes and Tate passed this part on all fours, but give Tali a year or two to practice and she’ll be zipping through and hopping over these hurdles like my sweet wifey Lin-Lin.

Which is kinda concerning. Impressive as it is, some of this stuff is really dangerous, like the triangle jumping section which comes next. Nuno can’t even do them on her own, still not quite athletic or coordinated enough to jump from one near vertical wall to the next without tumbling off, so in the interest of safety, Tali isn’t even allowed to try, nor are any of the other kids. Truth be told, I doubt there are many Sentinels willing to try either. Although Lin-Lin makes it look easy, I know for a fact Mila can’t do it, mostly because she’s too heavy for Atir to pull it off, and every time the twins ask Dad to show them how it’s done, he always finds some excuse or another to slip away, and I can’t blame him.

After the triangle jumps is the balance beam, the pit vault, and the ring jumps, which Tali and Nuno navigate with ease before finally coming to the stairs. Oddly enough, this is usually the hardest part of this obstacle course, bar none. Give a quin a steep slope and they’ll run straight up without a care in the world, but stairs are a real challenge. It’s not that quins can’t walk up stairs, but they have trouble doing it quickly because of how they’re built, with their feet so far back and away from their eyes. It makes it difficult for them to tell how high they need to lift their feet, so quins tripping over a step is a more common sight than you’d think, but Tali and Nuno have run this course a hundred times before and have figured out the best way around it. Lowering her head and tucking her paws against her chest, Nuno launches herself over the final obstacle like a low-altitude missile, her round, furry belly a hand-span away from the stairs and eyes firmly locked on the horizon. Landing softly on the other side, Nuno stamps her feet and squeaks in victory while Tali beams with delight and guides her back over towards us, where I greet my sweet niece with a genuine smile and a hefty round of applause.

“Great job Tali, I’m so proud of you.” As I open my arms wide for a hug, Tali squeals and leaps into my embrace, all too happy to roughhouse with her healthy uncle Rainy again. Twirling her about with a smile, I toss her up into the air and cherish her screams of laughter before catching her on the way down, then toss her once more just for the hell of it. Beside us, Tate crosses his arms and scowls because he thinks he’s too grown up to be thrown about like a child but is still jealous of all the fun his sister is having, so after setting Tali down, I ignore his protests and lob him into the air as well. Ending the fun with a big kiss on Tate’s cheek, I laugh along with him while hugging him tight, wishing we could go back to the days when he was just a wide-eyed little scamp who liked to chew on my sleeves. “You both did great out there,” I say, dropping to one knee and giving them both one last hug for good measure. “I bet you guys worked hard, yea?”

“Ya! We were here every morning, with Daddy, or Grandma, or...” So excited to share his efforts, Tate launches into a long list of caretakers and babysitters who brought him to the obstacle course, while Tali chimes in with a few he misses, much to his annoyance. While Tali thinks nothing of it, Tate sees her as his biggest rival and is always trying to one up her, but the sweet girl has too much talent and Tate doesn’t work nearly hard enough to surpass her in most areas, whether it be riding quins and Demonstrating the Forms or mathematics and calligraphy. It’s not that Tate is bad at anything, but Tali is just too good, near top of the class in any subject she enjoys and better than most at everything else.

It’s alright little man. Inferiority is nothing to be ashamed of. Give it your all and do the best you can do, and that’s all anyone can ask for.

When Tate and Tali’s list comes to an end, I give them both another hug just because before sending them on their way. “All right now. You know what to do. Bring your quins to... over to be inspected, so you can make sure they’re not injured.”

“Okay Rainy.”

Running off with their quins in tow, the twins bring their animals to the new quin-trainer, a woman whose name I’ve yet to learn. It’s hard seeing the twins hand over their reins to an unfamiliar face, because before, they would’ve handed them over to cheery, red-faced Mengu who would’ve then taken them through the inspection with him. The portly quin-trainer isn’t around to take those reins or guide the twins today, because he died in Sinuji last week. He died fighting to protect me from Demons and Defiled even though I was perfectly capable of protecting myself.

Or, put another way, he died for nothing and I’m to blame.

That right there is the unvarnished truth. It’s not the Uniter’s fault, nor are the Spectres or Defiled to blame. Mengu, Khagati, and Kharnate were all veteran Bannermen who survived countless tours fighting at Dad’s side, but they fell the first time they rode out to defend me. My fault goes beyond this, because not only was I the sole reason they were in Sinuji at all, I’m also responsible for letting things escalate so far to begin with. It’s so stupid. All of this happened because I thought I was crippled, when I am in fact far from it. The cure was literally right in front of my face all along, those sealed gourds of Chi Water which sat for months on my wall beneath the crumbling remains of my broken Spiritual Weapons. All I had to do was drink one and all my problems would’ve been taken care of in one fell swoop.

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Think about it. Say I drank a gourd of Water Chi a week after my Core shattered. What would’ve happened? Well, my body would’ve fixed itself and I’d be hale and healthy as I am now, unable to utilize Chi and weaker than most Martial Warriors, but still stronger than your average citizen, which isn’t bad for a guy who had his Spiritual Weapons destroyed. So long as I appeared vigorous and able bodied, then as the former Number One Talent in the Empire, people would be more willing to give me face, face the crippled, debilitated Falling Rain wasn’t afforded because that guy was an eyesore. Being strong enough to stand tall and walk around on my own would’ve made all the difference in the world, because to most, that would mean there was still hope. Your average citizen doesn’t understand the intricacies of the Martial Path or all the benefits Chi bring, they only know that Martial Warriors are strong and powerful, an image I no longer fit as a cripple. This, more than anything, is why I was so quickly cast aside and condemned, because in the eyes of the majority, there was no hope for my gaunt, feeble self, so why bother caring what happens to me?

Image matters. It sucks, but it’s true.

Everything would’ve turned out differently if I’d been this healthy five months ago. Jixing wouldn’t have been so bold as to directly act against me, not if I still had hope for recovery and the love and support of the people. Even if the Imperial bastard still tried to steal Luo-Luo away, the Legate would’ve been forced to step in and defend me lest he appear ungrateful. It’s one thing to abandon a lost cause like a cripple with a shattered Core, but another thing altogether to give up on a recovering ally with hope for the future, a minor distinction which would’ve made all the difference in the world. Jixing might have still turned the Justicars against me, but the Legate would’ve stepped in to fight it, maybe by securing me a non-combat position or doing something besides dangling me out like bait for his enemies. Hell, even if I was still sent to Sinuji, there’s a good chance the Iron Banner wouldn’t have come along, because I rode out to the front lines plenty of times without them before. They only came along this time to protect my crippled ass, so if I wasn’t crippled, there would’ve been no Bannermen guardians, which means Mengu, Khagati, and Kharnate wouldn’t have died and I wouldn’t hate myself for being an incompetent shit-head who can’t find his ass with both hands and a map.

Well... you know. If my ass were Chi and the map was actually a unique state of Balance which affords me the means to use said Chi without a working Core. So... mildly more complicated than finding my ass with a map, but that’s no excuse. I’ve used Chi on at least three separate occasions after my Core was shattered, once immediately after, once while Orating the story of how I met Qing-Qing to all of Sinuji, and a third time when I went apeshit on Wraiths and Demons shortly after. Theoretically, I should be able to do the same whenever I please, except I’m too stupid to figure out how.

I swear to God, if this is all because of some more split-personality bullshit, I will ask Taduk to lobotomize me with a chopstick and turn me into a drooling vegetable.

Sensing my inner turmoil, Lin-Lin’s slender arms slip around my neck and squeeze tight in the warmest of hugs from behind. Still down on one knee, I lean back into the embrace and press my cheek against hers, savouring the soft sensation of her silken skin and the weight of her body pressed against mine. You’d think I’d be all tapped out after a morning of heavy petting with Mila and a bath-time lovemaking session with Yan, but you would be wrong. It’s not sex I’m craving, though sex is always nice, but rather physical warmth and intimacy which I need, if only to fill the void in my chest where my heart once sat.

“Hubby,” Lin-Lin begins, and I hold my breath in anticipation of whatever banal platitude she’s about to throw my way, but as always, my sweet wifey bucks the trend. “I’m hungry. Let’s go have tea and sweets, ya?”

Ugh. That means going out in public, but that’s fine, I guess. I don’t mind the stares or accusations so much, because no one can hate me more than I hate myself. “Sounds good to me. Where do you wanna go?”

“Nowhere. I don’t wanna eat at any stinky tea-house.” Leaning against me with her full weight, Lin-Lin buries her face in my shoulder and asks, “Can you make something instead?”

“Sure.” While I might lack motivation to make food for myself, I’m more than happy to whip something up for my beloved wifey. It’s been months since I cooked though, so I should pick something simple. Coming to my feet and lifting Lin-Lin with me, I stand up straight and piggy-back her over to the rest of our group. Might as well spoil her a bit while I’m still strong enough to do so. “How does steamed red-bean buns sound?”

“Yummy. Egg custard too? And lotus seed paste please, those are Tate’s favourite.”

“Mila’s too, so I’ll need to make a lot.”

“Shhh, don’t let her hear you or she’ll deny it and won’t eat any.”

“Then come back a few hours later to eat them all in secret.”

“Hmph.” Greeting us with hands on her hips combined with her best glare, Mila’s displeasure does nothing to diminish our grins. “I only did that once,” my freckled beloved huffs. “And it was barely a dozen buns. I told you, I was starving because I just finished training and there was nothing else ready to eat.”

“Of course, beloved,” I reply, while Lin-Lin giggles behind me. “I believe you. Don’t worry, I’ll be sure to make plenty, so you can eat as many buns as you want.” Turning to Lin-Lin, I lower my voice to a feigned whisper and ask, “Do you think three dozen is enough, or should I go for five?”

“Better safe than sorry, ya?” Lin-Lin replies, and while Mila continues to glower and glare, I notice she doesn’t try to stop me from making so many buns.

Honestly, when it comes to steaming buns, making one dozen isn’t all that much different from making ten dozen, so I might as well go big. Glancing around the group, I ask, “Any other filling requests?”

While Yan and Luo-Luo politely decline, Song is not shy at all about voicing her desires. “Beef and scallions,” she says, pausing only a brief second before adding, “Barbecue pork too. And sesame paste for dessert. Please.”

“Will do.” When Tali and Tate return, they add almond paste and roast duck to the mix, so I enlist them as helpers and we all go home to prepare. Making steamed buns is as simple as can be, with most of the time spent waiting for the dough to rise, but with so many varieties, our work is cut out for us. While I tend to the grill preparing meats and boiling cane sugar, Lin-Lin, Tali, and Tate grind away with their mortars and pestles turning beans and seeds into paste. All three wear similar adorable expressions of intense concentration while going about this most important work, and it is a sight which soothes the soul. As for everyone else, they keep the animals distracted with games and music so they don’t sneak in and steal the fruits of our labours. Blackjack is the sole exception as he lazes on my shoulder, giving me soft kisses whenever he feels he deserves a treat. Voracious though his appetite might be, that’s only in comparison to his size, so I let it slide and keep him around instead of chasing him away.

I know I shouldn’t play favourites, but I’m not. This is just pragmatism. I would love to spoil the cats, bears, and bunnies too, but they’re all bottomless pits of gluttony which can never be wholly sated, whereas Blackjack can only eat about a half-kilogram of meat before falling into a food coma. That’s still like half his body weight, so it’s pretty damn impressive to watch, but it’s not much in the grand scheme of things.

With so much to be done, there’s barely any time to think until the first batch goes into the steamer, and I use this much needed break to take in the surroundings. Out in the courtyard, Luo-Luo continues plucking away at her zither while Song and Aurie listen intently at her side, but the other animals are wholly uninterested in any music besides her original piece, Rise to Glory. Why that might be, I’m not entirely sure, but I’m 99% certain it’s because the animals don’t care for music in general. While I don’t feel a thing when hearing her play, I made Mila, Lang Yi, Bulat, and Rustram sit down and detail what they remember regarding their experience while Condensing their Auras. In the days after the battle, I even asked Luo-Luo to play a concert for the soldiers of Sinuji and made every literate soldier in my retinue write down what they felt during each movement of the musical piece. It didn’t help, so I made them do it again the next day, then again the day after. I would’ve kept trying, but the day after Luo-Luo’s third concert, we left Sinuji to head back to the citadel and our schedule was too packed for daily concerts.

My recent interest in Luo-Luo’s zither has nothing to do with enjoying her music and everything to do with trying to understand how it works, because I think it can help explain how I work, or at least part of me. I think what makes ‘Rise to Glory’ so special isn’t its scales, harmonies, or composition, but rather the emotions Luo-Luo feels when playing the piece, emotions she then conveys to the crowd through her music and Chi, which is pretty much Aura, only better. Like Dastan said, Heavenly Energy is bound through emotion and utilized through intent, and what better combination of emotion and intent than music?

Well... maybe better is the wrong word. I’m sure painting, poetry, calligraphy, and all that other artsy shit is just as good, but I’ll be damned if I understand any of it. Anyway, this is probably also how I accidentally Orated in Sinuji, and it seems like it’d be easier to figure out compared to reaching some instinctive state of Balance I have no frame of reference for. I have some other ideas, but I wanted to rest a few days before putting any of them to the test, and until then, I’ll ponder over the mysteries of the Musical Path. Luo-Luo’s not the only example I have to draw on either, because my quirky, Medical Saint slash Runic Craftsman of a teacher also uses music to convey intent, always humming and conducting when studying and crafting. I figured that if Runes are the written language of Heavenly Energy, then music is a shared experience of sorts, like how math is universal, in a fashion. Or not. I don’t really know. If emotion and intent are the driving forces behind understanding the Martial Path, then there really isn’t much room for logic and reasoning.

“Hubby, the next batch is ready to go in.” Slipping under my arm to steal a quick hug, Lin-Lin stares up at me with her limpid, autumnal eyes, so bright and beautiful I never want to look away. Right now though, they’re also tinged with worry, and she studies me closely before asking, “Are you tired? You go lie down and I’ll ask Char-Char to finish up.”

“I’m fine, sweet wifey of mine.” Stealing a quick kiss from her soft lips, I touch my forehead to hers and say, “Thanks for making me do this.”

“Silly hubby, I should be thanking you, ya?”

“Don’t pretend.” Pinching her rounded cheek ever so softly, I hold her close and reveal her devious plan. “You knew I needed something to do and a reason to do it, which is why you asked me to make something to eat. Bringing the twins in to help was a neat trick, means I’m more focused on getting things done right than fixated on my thoughts.”

“Maybe.” Sticking her tongue out in girlish provocation, she adds, “Or maybe I just wanted something to eat, ya? You think too much hubby.” Breaking free from my embrace, she shoos me back into the kitchen with a smile. “If you’re not tired, then get back to work before Mi-Mi gets hungry and stomps over to ask where her buns are.”

“I heard that,” Mila growls, ironically stomping across the courtyard. “I’ve been slandered by you enough today, and I won’t stand for it any longer!” Yelping in mock fright, Lin-Lin scurries off with a grin and leaps up onto the veranda roof where Mila can’t reach her, and the two set off on a merry chase while everyone else laughs along. Walking back into the kitchen with a smile, I shake my head and wonder how I could ever be so lucky to have not one, not two, but three beautiful women who love me.

Maybe four. Luo-Luo’s motives are still suspect, but let’s be real. Even if she doesn’t truly love me, she’s loyal, else she would’ve left with Jixing, and she’s stuck with me for the rest of her life, so at the very least, her interest in my affections are pragmatic. Relationships have been built on less, so I guess it’s time I stopped keeping her at arm’s length. Besides, all of Mila’s talk about shared wedding beds got me thinking, not to mention Yan’s constant innuendo about bringing someone else into the bedroom. I mean, if my good health is temporary, I might as well make the most out of it while I can, if only so I won’t have too many regrets when whatever is keeping the world’s pressure off my back runs out and I go back to being a cripple again.

Not that my only interest in Luo-Luo is sexual...

Yan either...

And I can’t help it if I’m attracted to Song. I haven’t acted on it, so doesn’t that count for something?

No, brain. Stahp. Leave me alone. I am not a horrible person for wanting sex with multiple people, including Mila and Lin-Lin.

Sigh... fine. You win brain. I’m a terrible person. Happy? No, you aren’t, because you’re me and I’m fucking depressed.

Honestly, a lobotomy doesn’t actually sound so bad anymore. Maybe it’ll teach my brain not to be retarded, but I doubt it. It’d be too easy, and nothing in life is ever easy.

Nothing.

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