Well this is awkward...

I wouldn’t call myself socially adept, but even I can see there’s something hinky going on. It’s never a good sign when, after a long separation, your old friend doesn’t immediately come over to say hi and instead greets everyone else around you. Another bad sign is when said friend stops smiling after you tire of waiting and approach her first. Even worse is when she throws out a half-hearted ‘Good to see you too’ and immediately calls her scary-intense friend over to run interference, then leaves to go talk to someone else.

The writing on the wall is plain to see. Yan’s avoiding me because she no longer harbours any romantic feelings and is worried I won’t handle rejection well.

I won’t lie, it hurts. Not so much the rejection, which I knew would be a real possibility and was prepared for, but mostly, it’s finding out she thinks so little of me, she’s concerned about how I’ll react. I guess she believes all the unsavoury rumours she’s heard about me, or thinks I’ll use my new Imperial Manwhore status to pressure Du Min Gyu, or maybe she’s just not thrilled at the prospect of being the fourth woman in the relationship, but regardless of her reasons, it’s clear the spark between us is gone and she no longer even trusts me.

What a difference a year makes.

It’s all right. I’ll be okay. So Yan doesn’t want to pick things up where we left off. Big whoop. It was a teenaged romance driven by hormones and instincts, which is exactly why so many of them end in abject failure. At that age, it’s ‘out of sight, out of mind’, which means she’s probably been dreading this moment since her arrival in Nan Ping. That’s why she avoided you all this time and never tried to get in touch. Hell, if she had any lingering feelings, they probably evaporated after you invited her to a banquet in honour of your concubine. Oh god, is that why she gave Zabu and Shana back? To draw a line in the sand and show where she stands? I’m such an idiot for not seeing it sooner and getting all worked up about this reunion.

Whatever. It’s fine. Just keep calm and carry on. Show her you’re okay with how things are, and maybe you can go back to being friends at least. Besides, you wouldn’t even know what to do with four or five wives. It’s nice in theory, but look at the facts. You have two betrothed and a concubine, but you’re still cranking it out on your own every chance you get. No wonder Yan doesn’t want you anymore, she probably kicked herself for being an idiot the second her mind cleared up, wondering why on earth she was ever attracted to a spineless, brain-dead loser like yourself.

...

Well, that escalated quickly. Also, again, stop talking to yourself, especially if all you’re gonna do is insult me. Er... you. Whatever. Shaddup. Please and thanks.

Leaving Mila and Luo-Luo to handle the intimidating Ryo Da’in and her penetrating stare, I head over to greet the other guests of honour at tonight’s festivities. While Du Min Gyu is undoubtedly the star of the show, with his table sitting at the front of the banquet hall, Eccentric Gam and Broken Blade Pichai each have their own tables beside him. Dressed to the nines in his colourful, blood-covered, and battered armour, the Southern Expert Pichai sits alone in quiet meditation, his eyes closed and food untouched amid all the celebration, a picture of calm and serenity which puts me at ease. Conversely, on the other side, Gam Prime seems like the embodiment of chaos and destruction, inhaling all the food before him like his life depends on it while Wu Gam and the other guests watch on in a mixture of horror and amusement. Seeing this peak Expert behave like an animal makes me embarrassed for him, and the other guests aren’t shy about their derision.

Politics aside, something doesn’t add up. Jorani was very evasive when outlining the whole ordeal and all but glossed over the final moments of the battle, ending with a simple ‘then the Defiled broke and ran’. Defiled don’t break. They might retreat or withdraw, but they never break, not in the manner Jorani and Mila described, running like headless chickens through the Central Plains. Also, Jorani never mentioned Du Min Gyu being injured, but on the way in, I overheard two guests speculating about what injuries the Great Hero Du had taken and reference an apology he made earlier this evening. I’m not sure what Jorani is hiding, but he wouldn’t lie or omit details unless put up to it. Having seen the cracks and dents in Pichai’s armour and how urgently Gam Prime is replenishing his body mass, it’s clear the battle wasn’t as cut and dried as the Legate would have us all believe.

What happened at the Canston Winery and why aren’t they allowed to talk about it?

Putting my curiosity aside, I approach the two Gams first since I at least have a rapport with the younger one. It’s amazing how similar they are, not only in physical features with their slender builds, fluffy white fox ears, and threadbare robes, but also their demeanour, both moving to guard their plates when I approach, as if worried I’ll steal the food right out of their mouths. Tempted to ask for a bite as a joke, I quash the urge when Gam literally growls when my eyes stray to his plate, a sure a warning and threat as I’ve ever heard.

I now see why they call him ‘the Eccentric’.

“How’d you do it?”

Interrupted as I draw breath to greet them, the most eloquent response I can manage is, “Er, what?”

Popping a piece of chicken into his mouth, Gam chews loudly while pointing with his chopsticks, both things even Tali and Tate know not to do. “Little five here says you got into his head and he froze up, blames himself and poor nerves for his loss, but I didn’t raise no mousy warrior, so I wanna know how’d you do it?” Switching to Sending, he continues, “How’d you cheat with no one noticing? You and the Legate in on it together? You his illegitimate son or something?”

God, I wish. Things would be so much easier if I was, but sadly, amber eyes are hereditary and the Legate’s are a lovely shade of brown. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The lie comes easily but Gam is not so easily convinced, staring me down to intimidate me into submission. Weathering his gaze with only minimal cringing, I find it difficult to keep a straight face while the half-beast Expert chews with his mouth open, an ordeal which is horrify to watch and listen to, especially in stereo with Wu Gam doing the same beside him. After a torturous pause, my last nerve snaps and I say, “I’ve no illusions about our respective strengths. Though I won our first match, who’s to say what would happen if we fought again? Perhaps ‘little five’ will surprise everyone and emerge the victor.”

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...Why? Why did you add that last bit? Why taunt the big, strong warrior who could crush your skull with one hand?

Neither Gam is pleased by my flippant response, but the crowd loves it, none-too-quietly snickering in the background as they eavesdrop on our conversation. If not for Gam restraining him, ‘little five’ would have likely jumped to his feet and demanded a duel right here and now, something I’d hoped to avoid for... well... forever. Eager to change the subject, I offer them a military salute to smooth things over and say what I came to say. “Congratulations on a battle well fought and exposing the corruption lurking in our midst.” Even though I discovered it and handed the honour over on a silver platter.

I wanted to go kill piggies...

Following Luo-Luo’s instructions to the letter, I take my prepared gift from my Death Corps escorts and hold it out with both hands, waiting for Gam to accept it instead of placing it down in front of him. Thankfully, the quirky half-fox is quick to forgive and his eyes light up as he snatches the gift away to inspect it. There are a lot of unspoken rules to giving gifts, and while I wanted to pick three pieces of art from the wagon, Luo-Luo insisted I put more thought into my gift since whatever I presented would be scrutinized by the watching crowd and dissected for hidden meanings and significance. There’s a whole list of general things to avoid like pears, umbrellas, shoes, handkerchiefs, or anything to do with the number four, not because they’re shitty gifts, but because they’re homonyms for parting, breaking, evil, farewell, and death respectively, which I guess is seen as a veiled insult or something. It was hands down the stupidest shit I’ve ever heard.

And then, Luo-Luo kept talking.

Sharp objects are no good because it means I’m severing my relationship with the individual, while anything black or white is bad because those are colours associated with funerals, as are flowers, incense, candles, and more. In the same vein, green is also not a good colour, especially green hats for reasons Luo-Luo wouldn’t explain. I’m also supposed to avoid giving away jewellery or combs because those gifts have an intimate connotation, so much so that giving someone else’s wife a necklace might have you duelling her husband in the streets.

There’s more, but that’s all I could handle in one afternoon. It’s reasons like this why I hate social interaction. What’s the point of making things so complicated? Sometimes, a gift is just a gift, especially since I’m only giving one because not giving a gift would be rude and grounds for a grudge-ing. Going with Luo-Luo’s suggestion, I picked out a bunch of herbal remedies, health supplements, and general body care items for the three aged warriors, though judging from the grease and grime built up in the Eccentric’s beard and hair, I have a feeling the bath bombs and scented soap will go unused. It’s all packaged in a fancy jade box too, because a gift that looks cheap is worse than no gift at all. Never mind that the medicinal ingredients themselves are expensive enough, the important thing is it must look expensive.

Slipping away while Gam Prime rummages through his gift, a definite social faux-pas according to Luo-Luo, I approach the meditating Broken Blade Pichai and find myself presented with something of a challenge. Decorum demands I stand and wait until he accepts the gift, but since his eyes are closed and no amount of throat clearing can get him to open them, I’m not even sure if he knows I’m here. Quickly losing patience in these silly power games, I smile and pretend I’m nodding at a Sending and carry on a fake, silent conversation, one which comes to an abrupt end as I place the box on the table and walk away without a word, not caring if the crowd reads too much into it. At least this way no one will think I was rude, since the only way Pichai can expose me is if he admits he was rude first.

I can’t believe I’m only coming up with this now. Pretending to receive instructions through Sending is frigging brilliant, the perfect way to avoid responsibility for my actions. All I have to do is stare off into the shadows, smile, nod, and then do whatever I want. Voila, responsibility free! If my actions offend anyone, they’ll blame it on a hidden Expert they can’t find, so they’ll be too scared to take their frustrations out on me.

I’m a genius.

Since Du Min Gyu is off with the snot-nosed brat and Yan’s working hard to avoid me, I hand the last gift to Song’s half-brother, a man so still and impassive he almost blends into the furniture without any Chi shenanigans. While the crowd deliberates over the contents of my gifts, haphazardly spread around his table by a disappointed Gam Prime, I escape to the safety of Ping Ping’s shadow, where no one is brave enough to approach lest the Divine Turtle smite them down in front of Empire’s finest and fattest. Still recovering from this morning’s clash out in the Azure Sea, the big girl ignores the fish and cabbage laid out for her in the middle of the banquet hall and instead sequesters herself in a corner, laying with arms and legs splayed out in all directions as she rests her head on the cold, hard tiles.

It’s a sad-turtle sploot, both adorable and heartbreaking at the same time.

Settling against her shoulder, I use my Loving Aura to lift her spirits, but to no avail. Ever since the embarrassing revelation with Sir Inky, I’ve been leery of throwing Love around willy nilly, but Pong Pong’s Aura of Despair really did a number on his future wifey, so I’m doing what I can to put her back together. Appreciative of the gesture, Ping Ping nuzzles me ever so gently before settling back down with a melancholic sigh.

That’s the thing about depression; it’s largely a solitary, uphill battle. While it never hurts to have help, all the love and support in the world can’t save you from yourself.

Honestly, I’m not doing much better. Having realized I’ve been rejected by Yan, I yearn to return to camp and snuggle my floofs, but leaving before saying goodbye to the guest of honour is more grounds for a grudge-ing. This is stupid, what am I supposed to do when the guest of honour skedaddles first? Sleep on the floor until he comes back? Plus, it’s nerve-wracking to be out here mingling while Pong Pong naps in my yurt, snuggled in Mama Bun’s embrace and guarded only by the unreliable and ignorant Jochi and Argat. I didn’t have much of a choice in the matter, since bringing Pong Pong around would be so much worse, especially if Ping Ping or Guan Suo recognize the tiny turtle for what he is. The two half-monkey brothers complained about being left behind, but I made up something about finding poisoned tea and they relented. Hopefully, they follow orders and keep everyone out, because I can only imagine what would happen in someone snuck in and disturbed the tiny terrapin tyrant from his peaceful slumber.

Tidal waves of fury or something of the like, I’d assume.

Taduk told me to say nothing and leave everything to him, so I’m not sure who knows about Pong Pong besides him, Lin, and Guard Leader. Hopefully, my scatter-brained Teacher thought to put more reliable guards on my yurt, since I’d only put 50/50 odds on Jochi and Argat sticking around for the entire time. Honestly, if it wasn’t for Yan, I wouldn’t have even bothered coming out, doubly so if I’d known how she felt about me beforehand. Feeling in need of a pick me up, I extend my loving Aura to Blackjack and laugh as the fearless hare scampers off of Ping Ping’s head and leaps into my waiting hands. Nose twitching as he devours a meaty treat, Blackjack seems none the worse for wear after this morning’s ordeal, my sweet little hare too tough for -

“Falling Rain?”

Yelping in surprise, I leap to my feet and find a sneaky stranger looming over me, well within striking distance should he attack. Clad head to toe in brigandine armour, the stranger’s handsome, angular face sports a grimace which seems entrenched there for all time. Though the spear in his hand garners most of my attention, I also notice the crowd’s uncharacteristic lack of response to my high pitched shriek, and I’m not sure if I should be relieved or worried no one noticed my unmanly reaction.

“Stay your hand.” The stranger’s grimace deepens as I reach for my weapon, and breaks into a snarl as I draw it, but then, his eyes widen in surprise. Much as I’d like to claim credit, it turns out my scream didn’t go entirely unnoticed as Guan Suo’s fingers wrap around the stranger’s neck, his bushy white eyebrow raised in question as if asking for permission to kill.

Studying the stranger for clues, I feel like an idiot once I notice a giant ‘Virtuous’ engraved on his chest-piece. “Err, don’t kill him. He’s with those people we met this morning, an Azure Ascendant.” What’s his name again? “Daxian, right? Sorry, I didn’t recognize you. What did you need”

Please don’t let this be about Pong Pong...

Rubbing his neck, Daxian’s cheeks burn red as he scowls at Guan Suo, though subdued enough not to say anything. “I’m here to bring you to see a mutual friend. Your Teacher is already there.”

My stomach drops at the thinly veiled threat. Gesturing for him to lead the way, I follow Daxian out with Ping Ping and Guan Suo in tow, wishing I could send them both away and spare them from Gang Shu’s fury, but Ping Ping refuses to remain behind and Guan Suo ignores all my silent warnings. How we slip out without anyone noticing, I’ll never know, but it is with a heavy heart I go to meet my fate.

What else could it be? Gang Shu must have found Pong Pong and was so furious with my deception, he took Taduk hostage to lure me out. I don’t know why he has to jump through all these hoops, but if I had to guess, it’s probably because of my status as an Imperial Scion. Either way, I doubt it’s enough to protect me from the wrath of an Ancestral Beast, though maybe I can beg him to spare Taduk, Guan Suo, and Ping Ping.

As for Blackjack... Even GangShu wouldn’t murder the cutest little hare, right?

Chapter Meme