The Prime Minister is one of the three most politically powerful men in the world, just below the Emperor and on par with the Grand Marshal. While the former holds absolute authority as head of state, and the latter drafts laws and manages issues of economic, the Prime Minister acts as judge, jury, and executioner while working through his army of clerks, Enforcers, Adjudicators, and Justicars. He speaks with the Emperor’s voice and dispenses justice in the Emperor’s name, and now I am at odds with his stupid son because the little shit thinks he can buy Luo-Luo.

What a way to kick off the start of a new year. Wooooo.

The carriage ride back from Yang Jixing’s manor goes by without incident, and after thanking the borrowed Death Corps for their help, I send them back with a poop-free carriage and a barrel of rice wine for their troubles. It’s not their fault they’re working for an irate man-child, and the Death Corps do love their wine. I don’t know why it surprised me to learn they like to unwind with a drink or two, but seeing Ravil and Bulat organize a team drinking contest with the Ones was an eye-opening experience.

And not just because none of the Death Corps seem to have a gag reflex. What the fuck were the Imperials training them for?

I hope Jixing doesn’t punish his Death Corps for escorting me home. I don’t think anyone expected me to get back in the carriage after having Ping Ping flatten half the manor, but fuck it. I’d rather be ambushed and assassinated than walk all the way back or wait for a rickshaw. I’ve already done my three hundred steps today, and I’m fucking exhausted.

After hugging Ping Ping good night, I hobble inside and find my entire family battle-ready and armed to the teeth, though this didn’t stop them from enjoying new years cake. Not exactly surprising, though Lin’s war gear warrants a double take, looking oh-so-adorable in her form-fitting leather armour, scandalously tight leggings, and ever-present white silk scarf. Wider and longer than I’d deem practical, my wifey wears the scarf like a hood and mantle, draped over her head and wrapped snug around her shoulders before spiralling down both arms where they’re tied off at the wrist, probably to keep it from getting in the way of her archery. Though I’d prefer she never got within bow-range of an enemy, better to have and not need than need and not have. “I love your outfit wifey. Very forest-ranger slash hunter-chic.”

Beaming at the compliment, Lin snuggles into my chest and giggles while I soothe Mila’s jealous pout away with a smile and assure everyone I wasn’t harmed or humiliated. Once they’re all convinced there’s no need to exact vengeance or preemptively retaliate, I sit down at the dining table and narrate the course of events while envying Luo-Luo’s unusually warm welcome from the floofs. Aurie, Jimjam, and Sarankho are almost fighting for the right to rub against her legs while Banjo and Baloo nestle their heads in her lap, and I sit here two seats over all but ignored. Though they’ve been getting along lately, this is the first time I’ve seen the animals be so affectionate with her, and I can’t say I’m not jealous.

Man... If I knew Luo-Luo’s music would make my fur-babies love her more than they love me, I would’ve torched her stupid zither months ago. Didn’t even sound that great, a boring, one instrument melody with no accompaniment or vocals, though I do admit, there was something about her performance which made me think. I can’t quite put my finger on what was so entrancing about her song, but if I had to put it into words, it felt like... her music was more than just the strumming of notes on her instrument, but a melody which came to life and tugged at the heartstrings of emotion, a piece which transcended the mundane and approached the divine, almost a natural force unto itself.

It was... an ineffable, spiritual experience, and Luo-Luo used it to steal the love of my floofs...

Luckily, Mama Bun still loves me best since she wasn’t present for the recital, so I stroke her ears and tell my story while the sweet bun cuddles Pong Pong and snores in my lap. When I get to the partial destruction of the manor, everyone accepts my actions with the same stoic pragmatism as always. Akanai, Dad, and Alsantset nod in approval while Charok and Mila shake their heads and laugh, but Mom seems a little put off by my actions. Never one to hold her tongue, I soon learn she’s not mad because I offended an Imperial Scion, but because I didn’t explore my options. “A replacement consort was only the opening offer,” Mom explains, swatting aside Dad’s futile attempts to keep her quiet. “I am not advocating we accept and sell your consort, but you could have at least bargained to see how much value he places upon the girl.” Fixing Luo-Luo with a calculating stare, it’s plain to see Mom doesn’t understand why the Imperial Scion is going through so much effort to... obtain her, but my consort only tears up a little in the face of Mom’s casual disregard.

Poor Luo-Luo, life must be rough with a dragon lady for a Mother-in-law, but to be fair, Mom grumbles about all my wives. In her eyes, nothing short of absolute adoration and dutiful devotion is good enough for her son, so even Lin, Mila, and Yan fail to make the cut. Song might pass muster if she threw her name in the hat, so they’re not exactly healthy or realistic standards, but all mothers want the best for their children, so Luo-Luo shouldn’t take the disapproval too seriously. Unfortunately, Akanai makes things worse by opening her mouth. “Perhaps the offer was a sham, a ploy to shame the boy by taking what is his. Accept, and he earns a reputation as a cuckold, refuse and he earns himself a powerful enemy, a situation designed solely to make trouble for us.”

Flashing Luo-Luo a smile to raise her spirits, I shake my head and reject Akanai’s theory. “I don’t think so. If that were the case, the offer would have been made publicly. Jixing expected me to agree and was genuinely surprised when I rejected him. Offending me wasn’t his purpose because in his eyes, I’m nobody, a mere savage of no consequence and an ant to crush without thinking. He seemed upset we were even breathing the same air, so why go out of his way to ensure a private meeting using an Imperial Missive? No, he’s legitimately interested in Luo-Luo, I’d stake my fortune on it.”

But why?

Though I’m too polite to voice the question, Husolt has no qualms about dealing another blow to Luo-Luo’s pride. “Don’t see why he’d go to all this effort. He would’ve had to get permission to come all the way out here, and Imperials outside the East are about as rare as a rat on a sinkin’ ship. Lovely and special as yer girl is, I can’t see an Imperial puttin’ so much significance on a servant, especially considering how they like to keep their bloodlines pure and whatnot.” Wincing as Akanai pinches him under the table, Husolt adds, “No offence.”

Seeing as Mila inherited her jealous streak from her mother, I’m not sure if the pinch was because of his blunt statement or because he called Luo-Luo lovely. “Pure bloodlines?” I ask, glancing around the table. “Are Imperial Scions really so much stronger?”

“Hard to say.” Half-smiling and half-sneering at the thought of a challenge, Dad explains, “Every few decades you hear tales of Imperial Scions coming out to test the Empire’s greatest warriors in single combat and offering employment to those they deem worthy. The Scions usually win these duels, though whether this is the truth or merely the challenged warriors giving face, only the participants themselves can say. The matches are always carried out in secret with no witnesses allowed, and oftentimes the recruited warriors simply disappear, either killed or brought back east without fanfare.”

Which explains why everyone thought Solitary Sword Zhang Jun Bao was dead until he showed up as the Legate’s seneschal. Hmm... Turning to Luo-Luo, I ask, “Could this have something to do with you being first generation of nobility? They want you to... uh, procure a stronger bloodline?” Considering it sounds like the Imperial Clan is big on keeping things in the family, I’m not sure they’re doing bloodlines right. If anything, constant inbreeding would result in a weakening bloodline, but whatever. It’s not like I have a leg to stand on in this argument; I’m marrying one adopted aunt and lusting after the other one, which while technically is not incest, it treads a fine line.

Brightening as if being valued for her pedigree is a good thing, Luo-Luo nods like a chicken pecking at grains. “It’s possible, but difficult to say since this one has no knowledge of her heritage. It could also be due to this one’s humble talents.” It hardly sounds humble when she says it, but the statuesque beauty continues without shame. “Perhaps Yang Jixing was present during this one’s graduation ceremony and grew infatuated by her performance. As you may recall, this one rejected an offer of employment from both the Prime Minister and the Grand Marshal since she could not afford to offend either one.”

Not gonna lie, I totally didn’t know that. Well shit. No wonder he behaved so irrationally and hated me sight unseen, the woman he’s obsessed with rejected him due to politics and somehow ended up with me instead. Am I the bad guy here, standing in the way of true love? Nah, he could’ve been more polite about it, and I asked Luo-Luo if she wanted to go with him. She refused, so not my fault. Still, she must have put on one hell of a performance to still have Jixing on the hook seven years after the fact, so I guess this makes her the local equivalent of a pop-star. Is it superficial to be more attracted to her now that I know she’s famous?

This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

Perhaps misreading my stare, my troublesome consort’s pride deflates as she bows low in her seat, her forehead touching the table and bosom threatening to burst out of her robes. “Luo-Luo begs Lord Husband’s forgiveness for the troubles she’s caused. The consequences for offending the Prime Minister’s son will be grave, so this one will abide by whatever decision the family makes, but regardless of the final outcome, know that she is grateful for Lord Husband’s actions this night.” Drawing herself up to full height, she regains her proud, noble demount and adds, “Also, should Lord Husband and the family decide to keep Luo-Luo, she will strive to prove her worth and become a Martial Warrior of note, one who will not bring shame to the Bekhai.”

Says the woman who once screamed at the sight of Aurie. “Thanks, but there’s no need to prove your worth. The day we met, I promised you no one would treat you like a slave or force you to do anything you don’t want to and that still holds true. As for the Martial Warrior thing... Don’t push yourself too hard. No one expects you to become a Peak Expert, the training and weapons are mostly for self-defence. By all means, train if you want to, but don’t do it because you feel compelled to.” Noticing all the blank stares directed my way, I worry I’ve overstepped and ask, “Err... Right? Or... no? Are we... gonna... you know?”

“Of course not,” Akanai scoffs, while Mila playfully pinches my cheek. “Worry not girl,” my Grand-Mentor adds, offering Luo-Luo a comforting smile. “The boy speaks true. No one will force you away, nor should you ever feel compelled to train.” Why is everyone looking at me while Akanai repeats what I just said? Because I asked if we would sell Luo-Luo? I don’t want to, but this is the Prime Minister we’re talking about, so I asked because I didn’t want to overstep and throw the Bekhai into another huge conflict against an overwhelming enemy...

With our decision made, the topic of conversation turns to what our next move should be. Considering what Yang Jixing threatened to do, we make arrangements to give up on our cases still awaiting adjudication and discuss less scrupulous actions we could use to settle them, such as theft or blackmail. There’s also the matter of Mila beating the snot out of those pompous young nobles a few days back, and a whole host of inter-unit issues which naturally arise when you have thousands of battle-trained warriors brimming with arrogance and testosterone gathered in one area. It’s all minor stuff, but adequate enough excuse for Adjudicators and Justicars to find trouble with our people. When all is said and done, our enemies must make the first move, so all we can do is prepare for the worst and wait for the hammer to drop.

Exhausted from the longest first day of the year in memory, I almost fall asleep at the table before Alsantset sends me away, and Lin, Luo-Luo, Mila, and Song all help me bathe and get into bed. Normally, I’d be titillated about having four gorgeous women undress and wash me, but I’ve been sweating all day and none of them care to get naked, so it’s not as fun as I’d hope. Though I’ve gotten used to my gaunt, frail body, I see their initial revulsion and cannot blame them for it. I’ve tried to eat more, but I have no appetite and eating too much gives me unbearably painful stomach cramps, so there’s not much I can do except pray my sugar beet idea pans out.

Snuggled with Mama Bun in my comfy silk pyjamas, I smile as Lin, Mila, and Luo-Luo each give me a kiss on the cheek while Song offers a friendly nod and pat on the shoulder, which is a lot coming from her. Tired as I am, sleep eludes me as I lie in bed and stare at the ceiling even though I can’t make anything out. Terrible night vision, yet another way in which I am diminished, less than what I was. So many minor and major issues and inconveniences, all of which put together make the weakest human in existence. Freed from the haze of painkillers, my mind focuses and sharpens as the agony creeps back into perception, a slow and insidious sensation which usually lingers at the edge of awareness. I welcome the pain, because it means I still live, and where there is life, there is hope.

Gritting my teeth, I close my eyes, reach for Balance, and choke back my screams as my body is set aflame.

Not in reality, but in perception, and when it comes to pain, what’s the difference?

Lung’s heaving and chest damp with sweat, I lie in bed and wait for the agony to subside, the consequence of gathering Chi with a shattered Core and broken Spiritual Self, the Chi circulatory system if you will. I don’t try this often for obvious reasons, but it hasn’t gotten any better in the four months since Sinuji. I don’t know what else to do and Taduk didn’t have any suggestions on how to fix it besides bed-rest and time, but it would appear I’ve run out of the latter.

On the upside, my Oaths no longer work and I can talk about the Brotherhood or the Purge all I want, so there’s that. No idea if this is permanent, or the Heavens just won’t affect me till I fix my Core, but for now, it’s mostly a non-issue.

Today was a... not exactly an eye-opening experience, but a wake up call. If I were still Falling Rain, Number One Talent in the Empire, would Yang Jixing have the gall to march in here, where my father holds power, and straight up demand my woman? Ugh, calling Luo-Luo ‘mine’ feels so wrong, but in the eyes of this world, in Jixing’s eyes, she belongs to me and he thinks he can just take her. This crisis is only happening because I am weak, which means maybe it’s time I got working on a real solution instead of waiting for one to fall into my lap.

So what are my options besides waiting years for my Core to naturally heal? Well, I could go the Ancestral Human route and solve the age old mystery of how to manipulate Raw Heavenly Energy. My Core is shattered and I can’t use Chi, but who says you need a Core to use Heavenly Energy? Instead of jumping through hoops to turn Heavenly Energy into Chi, I could manipulate the Energy of the Heavens directly and grow myself a brand new body with a working Core or whatever it needs to withstand this hellish death world. Problem is, it’s kind of a tall order, doing what no human has ever done before, so putting all my eggs in the Ancestral Human basket seems like a recipe for disaster considering I don’t have the faintest clue where to start.

Another route I could take is the Demonic one and invite the Spectres in to refurbish and redesign me from the ground up. Demons create new forms when they take over their hosts, so presumably they could do the same for me, though I’m not exactly sure how to go about controlling the process or retaining control in the aftermath, not to mention the fact that I haven’t seen any Spectres since Sinuji. Apparently a broken Core means no Spectre vision, but I’m sure I can think dark thoughts and manage without it. Besides Gen figured out how to partially Demonize, so it shouldn’t be too hard to pull off, though if I’m being fair, no one has ever heard of another Defiled succeeding in a partial Demonic transformation, which kinda makes Gen a genius. Another problem is that Demons tend to lean on the side of the grotesque, and while I wouldn’t call myself vain, I’d rather not turn into a monster, which is what I imagine I’d become if I gave the Spectres free rein to remodel as they see fit.

Metal hands wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, but what if I go full Pudge? I don’t want to be fat...

Or ugly.

Or an inhuman murderous monster.

But mostly, it’s the fat thing. Gross.

Initially, I thought those were my only two options if I couldn’t fix my Core, but Pong Pong’s poop offers a third alternative. Divine Poop gives rise to Spiritual Plants, which Bicorn Bunnies and presumably other animals eat to help Forge their Spiritual Hearts. If that’s the case, then theoretically, I could eat Spiritual Plants and turn my body into a Spiritual Heart too, or at least parts of me. How it works, I’m not entirely sure, but I’ll figure it out as I go. From past experience, I know Divine Poop can give rise to Spiritual Plants in as little as two weeks, so Taduk should have results in another ten days, but I’d like there to be more time between the ‘poop fertilization’ and the ‘going into my mouth’ steps, for both sanitary and sanity reasons.

Historically, studies have shown eating Spiritual Plants does nothing for humans, but no one has ever sat down and actually tested it out. Why would they? Spiritual Plants are too valuable to waste on feeding plebs, and while some have reported suffering complications from eating certain varieties of Spiritual Plants, that’s not conclusive evidence. It’d be like saying all plants are bad for you because hemlock is poisonous. Sure, there are certain varieties of plants people shouldn’t eat, but what if I grew Spiritual Turnips or Spiritual Rice? So long as I eat enough, I could have Spiritual Bones, Spiritual Muscles, Spiritual Organs, and even Spiritual Skin, turning myself into a nigh invincible warrior the likes this world has never before seen. Forget feeding an army of rabbits, I could feed an army of people and have indestructible warriors out the wazoo once Taduk figures out the specifics of how to grow the right variety of Spiritual Plant.

Okay, that’s not exactly how Spiritual Hearts works, but a man can dream. Seriously, personal power through eating has got to be the best training regimen ever. No sweat, no effort, just om nom nom and a Martial Warrioring I will go, right along the easiest Path to the Martial Peak. Besides, if it turns out Spiritual Plants don’t do a body good, then I can still use Pong Pong’s Divine Poop to grow useful resources like Idamare, fox-glove, Blood Needles and other stuff. The little turtle is now eating three servings of shrimp per day and pooping an equal amount, and the only reason he isn’t getting more is because I’m worried he’ll get bored of the taste.

I have a few other theories in the mix, like how raw cannibalism is the secret to the superior Defiled physique, but I’d rather not dive off the deep end until I’m well and truly desperate. There are also external sources of power I could use, but most of those would only put me in more danger, not less, because people are greedy. Lastly, I could appeal to the Legate for help, but I doubt he’ll care enough to keep me safe, unless the Prime Minister happens to be one of those political enemies he keeps harping on about. Even if they are at odds, relying on the Legate isn’t a viable long-term solution since once I no longer have anything to offer, he has no reason to keep sheltering me. I need personal strength, and essentially my options are as follows: accomplish the impossible and become an Ancestral Human, succumb to the heretical and become a Demon, or take a page from animals and form a Spiritual Heart. Those are my three choices for getting better, and each one is a tall order for a frail, drugged up cripple besieged by enemies on all sides.

Traversing the road to recovery will be a long and arduous journey, one I am determined to see through, but the problem is: will my enemies give me the time I need, or will they strike before I am ready?

There’s nothing I can do about it except take things one step at a time, starting with a letter to Broken Blade Pichai begging for advice. As for the rest, I have family to rely on, and besides, even without personal strength, I am not entirely without fangs. Yang Jixing may have a Prime Minister in his corner, but I have a family and allies of my own, not to mention a vast fortune, Spiritual Guns, Runic Devices, and Divine turtles to boot. If the little Imperial Shit wants to throw down, then I’ll gladly send him running back east, whether it be through economic, military, or terrapinian might.

Terrapin-ion? Terrapinician? Turtilian? Whatever. Turtles, I got them, and soon, maybe super powerful bunnies too. Then, the world shall know true fear as I, Falling Rain, unleash my hordes of heavily-armed heavenly floofs against them!

...

I swear I’m the good guy here.

...

Most of the time.

Chapter Meme